Work: Today, as a pizza delivery guy, I was forced to see yet another... - FML

By scarred for life - 21/09/2012 10:57 - Canada - Brampton

Today, as a pizza delivery guy, I was forced to see yet another naked 200 pound teenage girl with a serious case of body acne. They're starting to give me nightmares. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 124

You deserved it 3 687

Compromises

Broken heart

You tried

By dino317 - 27/02/2010 05:02 - United States

Today, after many weeks of talking to this guy over the phone for hours on end and establishing that we both had feelings for the other, we met in person. He saw me, got an "emergency text," and hasn't talked to me since. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 071

You deserved it 5 509

By RedHotRoses - 20/12/2017 15:00

Today, I walked into my office and found my ex-roommate going through my desk. Apparently, despite not wanting to be friends or even speak anymore, he has no qualms about "borrowing" my Master's thesis so he can compare and write his. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 241

You deserved it 269

By Becoming a commuter. - 04/09/2012 17:14 - United States - Buffalo

Today, I moved into college and met my new roommate. Not fifteen minutes later, she had told me about the fungus on her feet, and what happens when she forgets to take her anti-psychotic medication, all while picking at her nose and eating the spoils. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 829

You deserved it 2 093

Accusations

By cosmonaut - 07/08/2009 09:18 - New Zealand

Today, at work I noticed that the last of my pencils had been taken from my desk. I assumed it was the coworker who I've talked to at least ten times regarding taking my stationery. I approached her and, feeling brave, yelled at her in front of the entire office. I was holding the pencil. FML

I agree, your life sucks 7 842

You deserved it 71 092

Not lovin' it

By jared576 - 05/06/2015 03:01

Today, I got kicked out of McDonalds for "skating" on the floor. The skating was actually me slipping on the wet floor and smacking my head into a table then getting bitched at for leaving blood on the floor. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 706

You deserved it 2 733

By smooth - 31/12/2014 01:39 - United States

Today, my coworker pointed to our nervous new intern and asked who he was. I jokingly said, "Can't you tell? He's our new slave." I then quickly realized how bad that sounded, given the intern is black. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 524

You deserved it 18 442

Asshats everywhere

By Anonymous - 08/12/2017 15:00

Today, while driving to work, an idiot pulled out of a junction without looking and wiped me out. I'm now in hospital with two broken legs, looking at employment pages because I didn't give work "enough notice" about my absence. FML

I agree, your life sucks 5 260

You deserved it 235

By IMAWAKE - 17/03/2014 19:07 - United States - Romulus

Today, my roommate's extremely loud and obnoxious alarm went off six times, waking me up each time, before she finally gave up on hitting the snooze button and went back to sleep for good. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 111

You deserved it 3 828

MILF

By Anonymous - 12/11/2020 08:03

Spicy

Today, I was watching porn and found my mom on a webcam. When I told her that I saw her, she just took away my computer and told me to get off porn. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 112

You deserved it 514

By myboyfriendisweird - 05/01/2015 02:50 - United States - Phoenix

Today, after having sex with my boyfriend, we were cuddling when he grabbed his penis and made it say, "That was amazing! Thank you for the sex." He's 21 years old. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 173

You deserved it 6 641

By shitbucketsfilledwithshit - 08/10/2015 16:04 - United States - Spring

Today, while walking home after a night of partying, I saw a thin, bald person in a suit looking at me from across the street. I got flashbacks to the Slender Man, screamed like a little bitch and ran. Then I realized I'd just humiliated myself in front of some random guy waiting for a bus. FML

I agree, your life sucks 15 757

You deserved it 18 842

By Anonymous - 20/01/2016 15:32 - United States - San Francisco

Today, a customer filed a complaint against me because my coworker took too long to do a price check. I hate my job. FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 128

You deserved it 1 318

By soonaked - 30/01/2010 00:02 - United States

Today, I was in the bathroom getting ready to take a shower. I took all of my clothes off, and stepped into the shower facing the knobs. When I turned around, I saw somebody standing in there with me. Apparently, my little brother and his friend were playing hide and seek, and I found his friend. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 164

You deserved it 5 932

By DamnHippieSoap - 29/08/2018 17:30 - United States - Estero

Today, I discovered my washcloths smelled like mushrooms. As I'm allergic to mold, I panicked and spent all day washing every towel and sheet in the house. At last, I went to take a shower and discovered that the mushroom smell was actually emanating from my $5-a-bar organic soap. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 643

You deserved it 2 148

Life imitates art

By Anonymous - 11/01/2021 20:58 - Philippines

Today, my hypochondria is getting worse. I think it's because of watching too much Grey's Anatomy. FML

I agree, your life sucks 212

You deserved it 615

This Charming Man

By Anonymous - 29/01/2021 08:01

Today, I met what I thought was a decent guy, via an introduction by my pregnant friend. She's dating his brother. The guy was dropping my friend and me off, but on the way out of the door he slapped her on the butt and smiled. FML

I agree, your life sucks 741

You deserved it 80

By MedHistory - 15/09/2015 20:40 - Canada - Laval

Today, I decided to give a break to my students halfway through my 3 hour lecture. The break became the end of the lecture, because nobody came back. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 213

You deserved it 4 616

By Anonymous - 13/10/2010 16:42 - United States

Today, I gave my two weeks notice at work. My boss sighed with relief and muttered, "Thank God." FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 847

You deserved it 6 349

By HoobidibooFox - 13/11/2014 22:26 - United Kingdom - Coseley

Today, I found out the one good thing about having fat rolls: when someone walks in on you sitting on the toilet, they hide your private parts. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 498

You deserved it 6 387

By horny21 - 21/02/2010 08:19 - Canada

Spicy

Today, I was laying on the bed, naked, waiting for my boyfriend to come home since we haven't had sex in almost a month. Hearing him come in, I struck my sexiest pose. He walked into our room and tossed his backpack at me. Not only did we not have sex, his backpack gave me a black eye. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 386

You deserved it 4 010

Phoney sex

By Anonymous - 09/03/2020 08:00

Spicy

Today, after having some great, intimate phone sex with my boyfriend, he immediately said, "Well, gotta go," and hung up. Thanks for making me feel like some sort of phone-hooker, dude. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 945

You deserved it 499

Social distancing done right

By Anonymous - 22/04/2020 17:00

Spicy

Today, my girlfriend of two and half years broke up with me because I'm no longer able to give her the physical attention she needs. I live 4 hours away and we have been this way for almost a year. She found another guy to do it behind my back. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 007

You deserved it 274

By Geemeisters - 08/11/2015 10:03 - United Kingdom - Studley

Today, after several months desperately searching for a job and feeling pretty insecure and unimportant, I drove 15 miles to a job interview. On parking my car at the destination, I found that during my drive a spider had been making a cobweb between the car and my hair. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 000

You deserved it 1 820

By kill me - 20/06/2017 04:00

Today, while serving at my restaurant, a mother acted as a wing-woman for her son by insisting I read a note he'd written, asking for my number. I had to awkwardly reject the guy in front of his entire family, before having to keep serving them for another hour. FML

I agree, your life sucks 6 930

You deserved it 480

By ishoweredincorpsewater - 06/04/2018 19:00

Today, our hot water tank got replaced because all our hot water had been smelling old and musty for a month now. There was a dead seagull in the tank. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 254

You deserved it 284

Don't let it come to this

By Anonymous - 27/08/2021 02:01

Today, we had the cops called on us because my son was panicking so much about his first COVID jab, his older sister got fed up, took him outside, put him in a headlock and choked him unconscious so the nurse could jab him. Instead, the nurse called the cops. FML

I agree, your life sucks 375

You deserved it 1 125

By Emily - 12/11/2012 18:12 - United States - Hayward

Today, while sitting in a waiting room, a man assured me "The safety's on" after he handed his kid his BB gun. A minute later, I practically had a hole in my foot. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 938

You deserved it 2 950

What's that?

By breebree-0 - 04/03/2012 19:36 - United States

Today, I sneezed while at the office. I felt snot shoot out, but I couldn't see anything on the tissue. I ignored it and went on with my day. When I went to the bathroom hours later, I noticed a huge wad of snot had dried onto the front of my shirt. No one told me about it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 059

You deserved it 4 375

By TheComedyAudio - 06/04/2018 01:30

Today, I surprised my girlfriend of 3 years with Stone Sour and Korn tickets, since I knew how badly she wanted to go. She responded by asking if we could go as just friends. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 675

You deserved it 319

By nick2.0 - 09/09/2009 21:20 - United States

Today, I hired a private investigator to find out if my wife of 15 years is cheating on me with my brother. I don't know what's worse, that she is cheating on me, or that instead of cheating with my brother she's cheating with my brother's wife. FML

I agree, your life sucks 61 118

You deserved it 5 529

By aunty_social - 25/08/2018 14:30

Today, I took my 5-year-old nephew camping. I was about to take him to the outhouse for a bathroom break when he flung the door of the camper open and shouted at the top of his lungs to the entire campground, "We are going to poop now!" FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 237

You deserved it 300

By crosseyed - 10/06/2009 19:42 - United Kingdom

Today, I was in the cafeteria when I noticed a new worker cleaning a table. As I passed her, she looked up and smiled at me. Thinking she was pulling a funny face, I jokingly crossed my eyes and smiled back. She looked hurt and continued working. Later, she served me my lunch. She was actually cross-eyed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 15 295

You deserved it 74 389

By wtfbabe - 22/06/2018 05:00

Today, my husband's dick went in the wrong hole. And by the wrong hole, I mean another man’s anus. FML

I agree, your life sucks 6 607

You deserved it 538

By Anonymous - 11/02/2017 22:00 - United States - Greensburg

Today, I was on my way to college when I got in a car wreck with none other than my professor. My car was totaled and couldn't drive, but his could so I missed class, but he still made it. The end result? He marked me as an "unexcused absence" and gave me a zero. The accident was his fault. FML

I agree, your life sucks 8 797

You deserved it 603

By EFFFF - 08/10/2011 22:10 - United States

Today, the ex who I'm still in love with told me he wishes we could be together, but that first I really need to get over the fact that he already has a wife and kids. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 665

You deserved it 7 340

By DroopyDog - 27/12/2009 08:48 - Netherlands

Today, I bought a puppy. I just found out I can't bring it on the family trip. To save me the trouble of finding a friend to take her in, my mum handed her back to the pound. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 882

You deserved it 3 922

It's Thursday!

By horriblefashionsense - 26/09/2013 15:20 - United States - Winter Garden

Today, I went in the diner I always pass by and ordered a sandwich. When I asked how much it was, the waitress replied, "Don't worry, honey. We give free meals to the homeless on Thursdays." I was too ashamed to deny it, so I just said thank you and left. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 513

You deserved it 6 239

By flyingpuppy - 17/06/2012 06:33 - Canada - Vancouver

Today, my husband has decided to grow a mullet. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 443

You deserved it 3 841

By Username - 12/03/2011 05:10 - United States

Spicy

Today, my boyfriend said he wanted to try something new. By something new, it was to put flour in my butt and see what would happen if I farted. FML

I agree, your life sucks 51 061

You deserved it 8 303

By womanoski - 20/02/2016 17:56 - United States - Fishers

Today, while taking a bus full of loud, rambunctious elementary children to school, the bus slowly slid off the road into a ditch. After waiting 30 minutes that felt like hours, I saw the tow truck arriving from the opposite direction also slide slowly off the roadway into the opposite ditch. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 402

You deserved it 1 453

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Top comments

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Friday 21 September 2012 16:12

Maybe they're watching too many pornos and expect you to deliver an extra large "sausage" pizza...

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Friday 21 September 2012 16:16

It's not delivery, it's a porno.

Comments

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Friday 21 September 2012 16:12

Looks like you guys shouldn't deliver there anymore...FYL

TheTwistedOtaku 16

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Friday 21 September 2012 16:28

Comment moderated for rule-breaking.

perdix 29

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Friday 21 September 2012 16:32

#25, yes, you can.

TheTwistedOtaku 16

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Friday 21 September 2012 16:38

Comment moderated for rule-breaking.

walmartpaysme 15

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Friday 21 September 2012 16:42

Any privately owned business has the right to refuse service to certain people who have behaved Inappropriately.

walmartpaysme 15

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Friday 21 September 2012 16:58

41, now I'M scarred for life.

perdix 29

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Friday 21 September 2012 17:09

#33, No problem, I've only learned that fact the hard way. Now, I have to travel miles and wear a disguise to get a coffee. I thought making fart noises as they steamed the milk at Starbucks would get a laugh, not a lifetime ban. Learn from my mistakes.

Pretty_Pink_Lady 10

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Friday 21 September 2012 19:26

If that story is true I feel like the lifetime ban was such an overkill as punishment.

musicluvr2000 11

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Friday 21 September 2012 20:11

92- ...yes, yes.

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Friday 21 September 2012 16:12

Maybe they're watching too many pornos and expect you to deliver an extra large "sausage" pizza...

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Friday 21 September 2012 16:16

It's not delivery, it's a porno.

Friday 21 September 2012 16:24

You could always cover her in cheese, pretend she's a pizza, and eat her.

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Friday 21 September 2012 16:36

My thoughts exactly. xP

Kn0wledge123 21

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Friday 21 September 2012 17:24

#16 got comment of the day.

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Friday 21 September 2012 17:28

23, It's weird, but your comment actually goes pretty well with your profile pic, since female the praying mantis eats the male after mating. Cannibalism and sex...they're like peanut butter and jelly in bug world.

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Friday 21 September 2012 17:47

57- Actually, they have proven that's false. Those results were obtained while the mantises were being watched closely, in laboratory settings. They were stressed. Recent studies of mantis mating in more natural settings found only one instance of head eating from their test group, and that was only because the female was very hungry. Usually both come away unharmed.

CaptainDoorknob 7

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Friday 21 September 2012 20:29

Don'tchu wish your girlfriend was hottt like mee. Lmao I can completely picture this.

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Saturday 22 September 2012 0:07

More like comment of the year.

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Saturday 22 September 2012 1:04

The mantises have been doing it less frequently now.

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Saturday 22 September 2012 22:50

Good grief! I didn't think my comment was THAT groundbreaking.... ohstopityou.png

Shitnobodysays_ 4

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Monday 10 December 2012 1:54

I've never watched porn in my life!

The_Big_Boss 20

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Friday 21 September 2012 16:12

Oh you know you like it

TomPusslicker 21

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Friday 21 September 2012 18:31

"Wiggle wiggle wiggle wiggle wiggle"

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Friday 21 September 2012 19:29

Actually I think it would be "jiggle, jiggle, jiggle".

sens3sfailing 24

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Friday 21 September 2012 19:51

No, it's wiggle in the song, but it is jiggle on a 200 pound girl...*shivers* uuuck!

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Monday 22 July 2013 7:23

Not sure why everyone is downvoting. If he liked it, it may very well be "wiggle, wiggle"...

perdix 29

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Friday 21 September 2012 16:12

I guess you're not going to be eating any pepperoni anytime soon. Or pie. This is a porn flick that does not need to be made. OK?

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Friday 21 September 2012 16:14

Agreed! It's not a porno, it's Digiorno!

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Friday 21 September 2012 16:15

Don't give people ideas like that

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Friday 21 September 2012 21:10

I saw a porno where that happened, the guys dick was cut through the box and the penis was hanging though the pizza. True Story

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Friday 21 September 2012 21:45

117- AAAHHHH that image... I can't unsee! *stabs eyes out Oedipus-style*

capslockisgood 19

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Monday 24 September 2012 4:25

13 - Thank you for posting the best thing I have ever read.

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Thursday 4 October 2012 6:30

But pie taste good!!'

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Friday 21 September 2012 16:13

Me too OP...Me too..

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Friday 21 September 2012 16:13

Cut them off like a responsible bartender.

BossPathfinderGM 14

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Friday 21 September 2012 16:13

I've been there before, my friend. Let me guess... "extra cheese"?

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Friday 21 September 2012 17:43

Extra anchovies.

herecomestheFMLs 12

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Friday 21 September 2012 21:05

^ Loverboy reference, I like it.

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Friday 21 September 2012 16:13

Nice name OP But seriously... Damn

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Friday 21 September 2012 16:13

It's scary enough to see one; but multiple... *shudder*

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Friday 21 September 2012 16:13

I bet that body acne is starting to look like the pepperoni the pizzas, huh?

Pandacupcakelove 26

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Friday 21 September 2012 17:41

You are what you eat.

expertsmilee 26

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Friday 21 September 2012 23:45

Does that mean cannibals are the only real people?

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Tuesday 26 July 2016 3:38

Only if the person they consumed was also a cannibal. But this would mean that infinite regress would have to exist, a notion that has yet to be proven. Unless it was a circle of cannibalism? O_____o

Nearly

Today, my maid sat me down to tell me that she doesn’t like it when me and my partner fight. We don’t like each other anymore and I keep trying to break up with him, but he won’t let me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 20

You deserved it 14

Today, I was diagnosed with anorexia. My mother still keeps on calling me a fat fuck. FML

I agree, your life sucks 75

You deserved it 7

Spicy

Spicy

Today, I realized why my boyfriend drove me to his “favorite” hospital about one agonizing hour away while I was in labor. His friend who's a nurse worked there. Or should I say, his side chick. He made out with her in the room while I was “sleeping” after giving birth to our first child. FML

I agree, your life sucks 697

You deserved it 54

Today, I’ve been single and lonely for so long, I looked up if it’s possible to marry your hand. FML

I agree, your life sucks 403

You deserved it 253