Comedy gold

By Landdownunder - 05/10/2019 06:00 - United States

Today, my boyfriend was going down on me and decided it'd be funny to blow raspberries in my crotch. He literally thought it was the funniest thing ever. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 664

You deserved it 291

Triage

Sketchy dude

Heaven knows I'm miserable now…

By Anonymous - 16/04/2009 18:42 - United States

Today, I was dressing in my apartment when I noticed I left the blinds open. Outside, a maintenance man was mowing the grass within eyeshot. I figured I'd leave the blinds open and give him a little peek of the goods. Later I found a note on my window saying, 'Next time, close the blinds'. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 309

You deserved it 120 112

By ruinedmoment - 24/02/2011 06:20 - United States

Today, I was looking at an old post between my ex and I on Facebook. Everything I was reading was adorable. Just as I was reminiscing about the great relationship we had, I look to the right of the screen to see the girl he cheated on me with in "People you may know". Thanks Facebook. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 449

You deserved it 8 180

By me - 30/11/2011 06:43 - Canada

Today, my girlfriend and I decided to try something new. I ended up tied to the bed, and my girlfriend discovered how ticklish I am. Worst 3 hours of my life. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 933

You deserved it 8 783

By jfranklin - 18/10/2010 01:39 - United States

Today, my girlfriend and I were making fun of a photo album on Facebook containing pictures of two friends who just got engaged. I jokingly asked her to marry me. She said yes. We have been dating for two months. She's not in on the joke. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 030

You deserved it 50 187

Tis the season to be jolly

By littl3storm - 23/12/2020 15:59 - United Kingdom

Today, at the ripe age of 20, I spent the early hours of my morning violently vomiting blood every time I got too warm. I then had the pleasure of shitting in a plastic container for a stool sample, due to said problem, after one and half hours of sleep. FML

I agree, your life sucks 895

You deserved it 56

Little shit

By NoPocketforme - 04/04/2021 00:30

Today, I ate the last Hot Pocket in the house. My little brother threw a temper tantrum and poured a bucket of water all over my desk and Macbook. My mom’s response? “Aw he’s just a little boy.” My brother is 13. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 364

You deserved it 71

By oops... - 12/09/2014 05:50 - Canada - Sylvan Lake

Today, my daughter was going to Bulk Barn so I asked her to pick me up something to snack on. When she got home, she brought over a bag and without listening to her explain what it was, I began eating it. She looked at me confused, then began laughing. It was a dog treat. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 546

You deserved it 29 536

By Anonymous - 22/06/2013 07:31 - United States - Piedmont

Today, my girlfriend told me that she feels pregnant. I didn't believe her, given how recently we had sex for the first time, so I told her to take a test to make sure. She's very sure now. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 782

You deserved it 51 198

By dumbteacher - 23/05/2011 14:35

Today, my AP teacher once again accused me of plagiarism. Apparently the words "demise," "ultimately," and "rural," are too sophisticated for an 11th grade AP student to use and MUST have been copied from the Internet. FML

I agree, your life sucks 51 457

You deserved it 3 172

By Anonymous - 01/02/2011 02:39 - United States

Today, I politely complimented a stranger's excellent posture. She responded by saying "I have a metal rod in my back." FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 511

You deserved it 7 171

Better Al than Ted

By Anonymous - 07/11/2021 23:00

Today, the older I get, the more I realise I married a clone of Al Bundy, right down to the sticking of his hand down his pants, the refusal to have sex with me except under protest, and the toilet he built in the garage only he is allowed to use. FML

I agree, your life sucks 891

You deserved it 209

By lmastr64 - 08/10/2010 10:31 - France

Today, I sit here in agonizing pain because of a scoliosis surgery. I have a bunch of painkillers that I need to suppress this incredible back pain. Looks like I can't take any. My mom has hidden them from me because she THINKS I need to be taken off them. I wish my doctor were here. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 927

You deserved it 2 755

By clash - 28/11/2008 06:30 - France

Today, I haven't had sex for so long that my condoms have gone off. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 828

You deserved it 7 570

By Darkheaven - 17/11/2008 11:27 - France

Today, I was in an online chatroom speaking to this girl that I really hit it off with. She then confided in me that she'd recently been dumped by her boyfriend and that he was a jerk. A little while later, we exchanged photos. It was my ex. FML

I agree, your life sucks 50 395

You deserved it 9 427

By conley19 - 15/09/2009 04:17 - United States

Today, at work a little girl wanted a slushie. Instead of pushing the tab in, she lifted it up and broke the machine, spilling slushie all over the floor. I was the only one working, so I had to clean it all up. I spent the rest of my shift covered in red slushie and smelling like cherry. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 171

You deserved it 4 782

By God,NotAgain,Please - 15/04/2017 19:00 - Pakistan - Karachi

Today, I re-sat an expensive exam I'd flunked 6 months previously. The same impossible multiple choice questions appeared, which I'd been unable to find the answers to, even with all my textbooks and the internet. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 257

You deserved it 747

By mediocreboobs - 18/02/2009 22:31 - United States

Today, I was home alone tanning in my backyard which is fairly secluded. I took my top off and laid there for awhile before I looked over and saw the UPS guy standing at my gate with a package because nobody answered the door. I looked horrified and he said not to worry, he'd seen better. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 375

You deserved it 8 820

By Z - 14/11/2012 00:43 - Australia

Today, my girlfriend snapped at me for being lazy and incompetent, and declared that if I was going to behave like a child, she would be treating me like one. This includes safety-proofing the house, talking to me like a 3-year-old and slapping me with a wooden spoon when I do something wrong. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 661

You deserved it 35 449

By snidpea - 31/01/2010 17:07 - France

Today, I sprained my ankle while playing soccer. I still have to walk home. In the rain. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 998

You deserved it 3 470

By Anonymous - 03/04/2017 00:00

Today, my husband told my 5-year-old daughter that if I swallowed a watermelon seed, I would get pregnant. Tonight, she dropped one in my mouth while I was asleep. FML

I agree, your life sucks 5 231

You deserved it 603

By Anonymous - 17/08/2010 17:06 - Canada

Today, my aunt asked me to babysit my cousin. She gave me a warning that he says he's allergic to foods to get out of eating them. When I brought out my homemade cooking, he told me he was allergic, so I made him eat it anyway. Turns out he WAS allergic. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 880

You deserved it 13 216

By stuck - 07/11/2012 15:00 - United States - California

Today, I paid a locksmith $100 after I locked myself out of my apartment. All he did was hit it, and it flung open. It wasn't locked, it'd just got stuck. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 254

You deserved it 23 899

By Lukev7 - 12/09/2009 13:14 - Australia

Today, was my first day at Military School. When our commander walked into the sleeping quarters, instructing us all to get up and stand at the foot of our beds. I had morning wood. To which the commander wasted no time in adressing in front of the rest of the room. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 901

You deserved it 5 567

By Anonymous - 10/06/2019 05:19 - United Kingdom - Oldbury

Today, my girlfriend broke up with me because I was too tired for sex, which she interpreted as me confessing to not wanting to have sex with her because I’m having sex with other women. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 265

You deserved it 263

Recognize this?

By Anonymous - 06/10/2014 02:42 - United States - Rock Island

Today, I sent my boyfriend a picture of my vagina. He replied, "What's that?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 316

You deserved it 19 733

By fuckmyparents - 25/01/2019 00:00

Today, the school I applied to work for told me they were not going to schedule an interview. Why? Because they think my papers and name are fake. My name is Seymour Skinner. I’m not joking. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 716

You deserved it 149

Headphones are a health hazard

By Anonymous - 01/07/2021 16:01

Today, only some excellent security footage stopped me being arrested after I bumped into a young girl while looking at my phone and her mother, an Uber Karen, accused me of sexual assault and an off-duty woman police officer tackled me to the ground before I'd even took off my headphones. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 150

You deserved it 103

By halloweenless - 01/11/2010 13:14 - United States

Today, I spent over $160 and 2 hours preparing for a Halloween party I was throwing. The only person who showed up was my sister, who helped me decorate. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 070

You deserved it 4 299

By Anonymous - 07/10/2015 13:45 - Belgium - Herenthout

Today, I told one of my classmates for the third time that I'm not into guys and wasn't interested in going on a date with him. He just looked at me blankly and said "So I'll pick you up at 9?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 266

You deserved it 2 174

By Imdead - 14/09/2018 22:00

Today, we're taking the plane home from Dublin after a school trip that I only barely got onto after troubles with my passport. Luckily for me, a kind person has decided to save me from the passport this evening - together with the rest of my wallet. I'm stuck. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 592

You deserved it 218

By Anonymous - 09/01/2016 03:20 - Canada

Today, I found out what unwashed, warty feet taste like after someone kicked me in the mouth with one. FML

I agree, your life sucks 20 194

You deserved it 1 800

By Bug5992 - 09/12/2012 22:46 - United States - Kent

Today, I was getting intimate with my current bootycall when he thought it would be funny to make animal sounds. He "baa-ed" "moo-ed" and "gobbled" until losing his erection from intense laughter, leaving me there very confused and unsatisfied. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 764

You deserved it 10 291

Size Queen

By Anonymous - 05/10/2021 05:00

Today, I was hooking up with a girl, but when she got my pants down, she got mad and left, saying she was gonna kill her sister who lied to her about me having a large penis. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 278

You deserved it 142

By Anonymous - 12/09/2009 07:25 - Australia

Today, at dinner with my boyfriend and my family, my mother had too much to drink and asked my boyfriend how I was in bed with the purpose of embarrassing me. His reply? "Not as good as her sister." His defense? "It was only one time." FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 750

You deserved it 2 885

Tell me lies, tell me sweet little lies

By malicemassacre - 17/01/2021 23:01

Today, I found out that the rivalry between my boyfriend and my only friend I have in this city was just a cover up. I'm now a single mom of a 2 year-old and a 5 month-old. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 091

You deserved it 140

By sierraisfucked - 02/06/2009 07:55 - United States

Today, I was in Walmart with my mom. I was looking for some CDs I wanted and saw a cute guy. Then he nodded at me and as he started to walk towards me, I hear my name being called over the intercom. Apparently, according to my mom, it was time to go. FML

I agree, your life sucks 49 393

You deserved it 4 176

By SmoothTalker - 16/03/2009 17:40 - United States

Today, I had a meeting with my super-hot TA. When I got to her office, she complimented me for being early, to which I thoughtfully replied "oh I usually come early." She laughed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 58 235

You deserved it 33 888

By grossed out - 05/05/2013 23:10 - United States - Mount Prospect

Today, I was at my aunt and uncle's house. I went to the bathroom and after I washed my hands, I took a Q-tip out of the carton to clean my ears. When I reached for a second one, I noticed that every Q-tip in the carton was actually already used. FML

I agree, your life sucks 50 179

You deserved it 8 229

By Anonymous - 15/06/2014 00:34 - Canada - Nanaimo

Today, I started my job as a driving instructor. My first client showed up piss drunk. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 140

You deserved it 4 226

By BetterThanChocolate - 20/04/2014 23:24 - United States - Silver Spring

Today, at a big Easter egg hunt, the kids found a wild bunny. Everyone smiled and "aww"ed, until my dog caught and ate it in front everyone. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 102

You deserved it 5 584

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Top comments

manb91gb 14

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Saturday 5 October 2019 7:09

Ohh if only you could queef on command, you could blow some right back! That'd stop him.

faiona 12

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Saturday 5 October 2019 12:24

Yeah that's not only childish, but also could be deathly, air is not a good thing to enter your reproductive system, in rare cases it could cause embolism.

Comments

manb91gb 14

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Saturday 5 October 2019 7:09

Ohh if only you could queef on command, you could blow some right back! That'd stop him.

bullsonyourface 20

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Sunday 6 October 2019 2:48

you mean you can't?

manb91gb 14

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Sunday 6 October 2019 10:16

No, because I have a penis my dear...

BurnInDemonFire 32

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Saturday 5 October 2019 7:33

You're dating a child. That's illegal.

timinator5000 28

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Saturday 5 October 2019 16:43

I wouldn't do it but I never knew it was illegal? Why does that make him a child?

BurnInDemonFire 32

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Sunday 6 October 2019 4:02

Dating a child is the crime, not blowing raspberries. And seeing as how blowing raspberries is the usual tactic adults rely on to make a child laugh when they're crying, how is it not childish?

faiona 12

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Saturday 5 October 2019 12:24

Yeah that's not only childish, but also could be deathly, air is not a good thing to enter your reproductive system, in rare cases it could cause embolism.

Sinshine 27

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Saturday 5 October 2019 14:40

Where did he get those raspberries while between your legs? Do you keep stock there?

bullsonyourface 20

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Sunday 6 October 2019 2:46

clap clap clap

bobsanction 18

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Saturday 5 October 2019 21:28

In his defense, that's kinda funny.

bullsonyourface 20

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Sunday 6 October 2019 2:47

and here I thought I was the only one that pulled shit like that whilst giving head

0neiros 14

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Wednesday 9 October 2019 23:34

Lack of respect for you and immaturity aside, if you look it up, blowing air into the vagina is VERY DANGEROUS, and can land you in the hospital in absolute agony. Google it, make him read it, and tell him not to ever do it again unless he wants to be single

Nearly

Today, I feel like I'm going crazy as I'm in a 2-year relationship with a guy who's 17 years older than me (I'm 23). He's a wonderful partner and I'm totally in love, but the age gap causes monthly, sometimes daily, shifts between wanting to have it all with him, and wanting to leave him. FML

I agree, your life sucks 7

You deserved it 48

Today, it has been 7 years of me submitting FML’s. I don’t know what worse, that I’ve submitted so many of that none have never been featured. FML

I agree, your life sucks 51

You deserved it 26

Spicy

Today, I found out on Facebook that my mom and step-dad have an open marriage. To make matters worse, my step-dad shamed me for not being more sex positive. FML

I agree, your life sucks 532

You deserved it 146

Today, I found out why my husband faked being sick on Thanksgiving. He was invited to Thanksgiving dinner by to the coworker he’s seeing. She was planning to introduce him to her family. He never told her he was married, so knowing I would tag along if he came, he faked having a “fever” so he couldn’t go out. FML

I agree, your life sucks 839

You deserved it 47