Today, I realized that the only boy that shows up at my door...

By mapleleafs34 - United States

Today, I realized that the only boy that shows up at my door is the pizza boy. FML

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Love

And today, on Dr Phil…

Nice neighborhood

Delayed proposal

By Arachnofail - France - Goussainville

Today, while driving, a spider crawled onto my gearstick. Not being afraid of them, I casually flicked it off. Onto the person sitting next to me. The person evaluating me for my driving test at the time, who happened to be arachnophobic. FML

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By anonymous - United States

Today, my husband and I got married. The only thing that is different so far is that he now thinks that it's okay to shit with the door open. FML

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By Awesome. - United States

Today, my mom admitted that she always makes me put away the dishes because my obsessive compulsive tendencies force me to arrange the glasses and silverware by size, just the way she likes them. FML

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By HoHoSnow - United States

Today, I got stuck in the snow in the middle of street. As I was just beginning to get myself unstuck, the snow plow came by and buried the front end of my car. FML

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By Fml37 - Canada

Today, I had to take a taxi to work, because I was pressed for time, and didn't have a ride there. When I got to work, I paid the cab driver, and realized I had spent more money on the cab than I was going to make at work. FML

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By rabid_otaku - United States - Sycamore

Today, I had to stop at a gas station to go to the bathroom. A sign on the door told people to knock since the door didn't lock. As I was peeing, a lady walked in on me. Rather than simply saying sorry and shutting the damn door, she opened it wider and stepped in to apologize. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Everett

Today, I actually used Febreze as a substitute for deodorant. FML

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By cargaljen - United States

Today, my husband sweetly asked me, "You know what I'd really like to do if I had an extra $4,000?" Expecting a romantic answer, I asked what. He said, "I'd get you a tummy tuck." He still can't figure out what he said wrong. FML

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By Anonymous - India

Today, while stuck in a traffic jam, my son silently changed my gear to reverse. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I got my very first paycheck of $129 for over 40 hours of work. I got paid roughly $3.00 an hour. Alaska minimum is $9.50 per hour, and my HR office is refusing to answer my calls. FML

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By Nyquilwtf - United States

Today, I learned that Nyquil has such an amazing effect on me, that it won't even allow me to wake up to go to the bathroom. FML

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By stoopidRUnner - United States

Today, I was running by a school and saw that a deer had caught his antlers in the fence. I felt bad for it so I tried to help it free. Finally, he became unstuck. Then he rammed his antlers into my hip. Now I can't run in the marathon I have been training for a year to race in. FML

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By greenintheface - United States

Today, I had a horrible stomach flu and was well into my second hour of dry heaving when I heard my husband knock on the bathroom door. I was touched that he was worried about me until I heard, "Honey, what did you make me for dinner?" FML

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By Marie - United States

Today, I had a meeting at work with my board of directors for a potential promotion. When one of them told a joke, I politely let out an amused snort. Then, I noticed my director's white shirt and tie covered in red splatter. I nose bled all over the director of my company. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom - Preston

Today, I had an upset stomach all day at work. When lunch break came, I rushed to the bathroom. Just as I turned into an unstoppable human whoopie cushion, a co-worker walked in. He heard the entire arse symphony, and just asked "What the fuck, dude?!" as he left. FML

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By fatman - United States

Today, my mom signed me up for Weight Watchers as a surprise birthday present. FML

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31587

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By Rothaar - United States

Today, I was at the gym and as I was pulling out my earphones and getting off my treadmill, I heard the girl behind me say to her friend on the treadmill next to her, "Wow, there have no cute guys today." Her friend replied, "None at all. It's like everyone suddenly got gay or ugly." FML

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By 2gewd4u - United States

Today, I walked in on my sister sitting on the toilet, trying to use "The Force" to pull over the toilet paper roll sitting on the sink. FML

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By unemployed - United States

Today, I was at a second interview for a job that I really need as I got laid off last month. Midway through the interview, I went to cross my legs and realized I had 2 different shoes on. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was swimming at the water park, when out of nowhere a lifeguard bombed into the pool, grabbed me, and hauled me to the surface, running his hands over my chest in the process. Apparently, the way I swim makes it look like I'm in my drowning death throes. FML

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By NotAnInLawFamilyMan - United States - San Francisco

Today, my mother-in-maw informed us that she sold her house and is moving in with us so we'll "take care" of her in old age. She's in perfect health. We've only been married for 4 months. My wife can't stand her for more than 2 weeks at a time, let alone living with us. FML

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By say no to indoctrination - 22/8/2020 20:02 - United States

Indoctrination

Today, I was called everything from a communist to a nazi to a national traitor for suggesting that kids shouldn’t be forced to recite the pledge of allegiance at school until they’re old enough to truly understand what it means. Someone even threatened to kick my ass for speaking up. FML

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Today, I was stuck in a window seat next to the biggest/angriest man I've ever seen. During the trip I reached down to pick up what I thought was my pillow but instead managed to pull off his huge sock. Couldn't put it back so had to pretend I had no idea why he was glaring at me when he woke up. FML

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By ice cream dude - United States - Denver

Today, I finished my first two weeks as an ice cream truck driver. Now I can't get that annoying ice cream truck music out of my head. It's even in my dreams. FML

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By ChloeisaDoll

Today, I was told I have a brother… By a stranger in a parking lot, while leaving my grandfather's wake. FML

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By pianoblues - Canada - Thunder Bay

Today, I did a piano audition for a musical. Afterwards, the judge asked if I have experience with percussion, and then told me she was considering me for a percussion part. I guess my piano audition really was THAT bad. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was getting intimate with my girlfriend. When she went to give me a blow job, I got embarrassed and told her I'd rather just please her instead. Now she thinks she's inadequate and I'm being a jerk. FML

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By Beva - Sweden - Falk?ping

Today, due to technical problems, I had to call the company's IT-support as my computer went totally haywire. I explained via phone that I couldn't access anything. The support then tried contacting me by e-mail and got upset with me when I didn't answer. FML

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By Mel Cluze

Fire!

Today, my girlfriend and I were spending the night at a hotel. We were awoken at 3 a.m. by the fire alarm. We quickly got dressed, went down the stairs to the reception area… and were told that it was a false alarm. All because some jerk lit a cigarette in his room. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Southfield

Today, my fully grown, 90-pound German Shepherd sniffed and wagged his tail as a guy mugged me. FML

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By bleue - France - Montberon

Today, in a crowded doctor's waiting room, my two-year-old daughter let a loud fart rip. I asked her, "What do we say?" She replied, "IT'S ME!" FML

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By Bes - Canada

Today, at school, I was trying to pee in the stall, but I couldn't. I repeatedly pushed my bladder. Unfortunately, I didn't realize a number of thing. My stall was open, I made noises from frustration, and I looked like I was jacking off. When I gave up, somebody clapped and yelled, "FINALLY!" FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I told my dad that I have a very serious drinking problem and that I need to go to rehab because I can't stop on my own. He told me that I just need to make new friends and suggested I join a sorority. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I was texting with my childhood crush late at night and we were exchanging secrets. I figured this was as good a time as any to tell her about my long-standing crush on her. Turns out she's a lesbian. FML

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By BadKarma - United States - Douglas

When it rains, it pours.

Today, my washing machine, dryer, vacuum cleaner, and laptop all stopped working. FML

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By - 23/1/2020 18:00

Just love!

Today, I told my boyfriend that I loved his flaming red hair. He told me that he loved the fuzz on my butt. FML

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By veggiegal - United States

Today, I found a bone in my sandwich. It was a veggie burger. FML

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By thatoneguy - United States

Today, a five year old that I am babysitting picked up a knife and said he would chop my nuts off if I didn't give him his ice cream before dinner. Only 5 more hours to go. FML

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By The Selfie Parent - Canada - Mount Pearl

Today, I looked at my twelve-year-old daughter's test. One of the question was, "When is a good time to worry about your parents?" Her answer was, "When they take selfies, because selfies aren't made for old people." FML

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By CreeptacularBait

Today, after over a month of running to lose weight, I can’t walk without crying from the shooting pain in my legs. My husband is upset that I won’t go to the grocery store, make his lunch, or go hiking with him. FML

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Top comments

By jessxoxo28 | 5

#781002 - Monday 18 January 2010 2:24

get his #

By MoobyTheCow | 2

#781011 - Monday 18 January 2010 2:25

YDI for not ordering Chinese.

COMMENTS

By 123e3 | 0

#780991 - Monday 18 January 2010 2:22

FAIL

By Sirin_fml | 46

#780993 - Monday 18 January 2010 2:22

This sounds like the setup for a cheesy porn flick (-:`,

lubby_fml | 0

#781244 - Monday 18 January 2010 4:00

giggity...

Sirin_fml | 46

#781260 - Monday 18 January 2010 4:06

Giggity-goo.

gingersnapper | 0

#782638 - Monday 18 January 2010 19:55

Seriously, OP. Time to put on a slutty negligee and some really bad disco music the next time you answer the door.

pwincessa23 | 1

#1380894 - Friday 10 September 2010 8:18

go out some more Hun.

By amiracle | 0

#780996 - Monday 18 January 2010 2:23

...really?

Mustardnight | 3

#781732 - Monday 18 January 2010 9:25

Serves you right for being a maple leafs fan!!! Go habs!! Colis d'ostie.

Dukaness | 0

#782421 - Monday 18 January 2010 17:40

Its more of an FML for being a leafs fan.

By jessxoxo28 | 5

#781002 - Monday 18 January 2010 2:24

get his #

extrasnipes | 22

#5896304 - Wednesday 26 March 2014 12:46

it's probably on her speed dial

By Person1233 | 12

#781004 - Monday 18 January 2010 2:24

OP, I think we can change that ;D

By superHydrate | 4

#781010 - Monday 18 January 2010 2:25

that's one sad fml!!

izzy21_fml | 0

#1209939 - Monday 9 August 2010 1:51

maybe the cause of this is ordering to many pizzas making you gain weight therefore the only boy to ever show up is the one delivering pizza

By MoobyTheCow | 2

#781011 - Monday 18 January 2010 2:25

YDI for not ordering Chinese.

Venumsucker | 0

#787224 - Wednesday 20 January 2010 23:45

actually im white and thats all im interested in they're just so shy

jamieleigh_315 | 0

#2627832 - Monday 6 June 2011 4:51

# 43 lmao aww it's okay

By renots4206 | 0

#781024 - Monday 18 January 2010 2:27

Call for some chineese food and you can have a party!

By ensemble_coeur | 0

#781025 - Monday 18 January 2010 2:27

mapleleafs34? YDI for liking the Toronto Maple Leafs

Trilogy | 1

#3424916 - Thursday 13 October 2011 5:15

#9 I agree compleatly

By davidhasmorefun | 0

#781029 - Monday 18 January 2010 2:28

maybe instead of eating you should go
to the gym