Love: Today, I realized that the only boy that shows up at my door...

By mapleleafs34 - United States

Today, I realized that the only boy that shows up at my door is the pizza boy. FML

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Love

Serious times

Triage

What a tool

By it's called an accelerator, grandma, get your ass in gear - United Kingdom - Leeds

Today, I had my first driving test. The instructor turned out to be the kind of twit who made me do the full 60-minute test, only to tell me afterwards that he was failing me for the only mistake I made less than 2 minutes after the test started. Time wasting tit. FML

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By Anonymous - 14/11/2020 14:08 - United States

Management 101

Today, I once again got less than 20 hours of work for the entire week. My boss's solution? Double the staff. FML

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By FreeToFly3733 - Canada

Today, I finally found my cellphone when I heard WHACKWHACKWHACK inside the washing machine. FML

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By Poop - United States

Today, I was in a video chat with an old friend who I haven't talked to in years, and my mom walks in. The first thing she says is, "Did you close the toilet after you pooped? Cause today on the news I heard that your poop particles can fly up to 25 feet, landing on your toothbrush." FML

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By notmyday - United States

Today, we were fooling around and I was just about to orgasm when she looks at my clock and says "I have to go LOST is on in 20 minutes." FML

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By best_mom_ever - United States - Mount Juliet

Today, my husband and I decided to tell our sixteen-year-old daughter that she's adopted. Her response was, "Thank God!" FML

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By ozzy - United States - Campbell

Today, was trying to have an adult conversation with my fiancée but she's always on her phone, so I sent her a text message instead. Relationship goals. FML

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By Anonymous - 4/7/2020 14:01

Great time to try for a kid

Today, my boyfriend of 4 years complained about having to jack off for IVF. We haven't had sex in 9 months, I have to take hormone injections, and I'm jealous of his own hand. FML

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1358

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, as I was ringing in a customer I noticed that the Febreeze spray can was wet. Noticing this I sniffed my hands because they had gotten wet and said to the customer, "Oh the can is leaking want to go get another one?" He then said, "No it's OK, I just sweat a lot." I sniffed some customer's sweat. FML

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By fuck - United Kingdom - Farnham

Today, I was browsing porn in my room, when my dad barged in. I quickly switched to another tab, only to see it was parked on another porn page. I had another browser window open, so I switched to that. More porn. My dad said, "Riiiggghhhttt... You need help, son." FML

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By Drewbie - United States - Park City

Today, while having sex with my girlfriend on the bathroom floor, I felt something tickle my balls. I looked back to see her sister's kitten getting in on the action. I think I just had my first threesome. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Seattle

Today, while waiting for a bus, someone started smoking at the bus shelter, which is illegal in my city. I politely asked him to stop smoking, citing the city ordinance. He just cackled and said that if I'm so concerned about the state of my health, I should start by losing 90 pounds. FML

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21555

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By damnit - United States

Today, I had a wet dream. The problem was that I was dreaming about watching porn. I can't even get laid in my dreams. FML

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25565

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By Anonymous - Norway

Today, I got a phone call from a friend, who lives in the same neighbourhood as me, wondering if it was my father she saw walking a dog by her house, wearing only his boxers. It was. FML

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By lukey_G - United States

Today, my girlfriend was driving me to her house against my will when I said, "Sometimes it's annoying that you always decide where we go because you drive." She replied, "Yeah, I wish I could be more of the girl in this relationship." FML

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By Marcella - United States

Today, my fiance told me he thought it was time that we started to see other people. I'm six months pregnant with his baby. FML

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55405

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By Floof - United States

Today, I was skiing in Vermont for the third day straight. Since I was getting very little sleep, on the top of the chairlift I let out a huge yawn, pulling a muscle in my face. As I slid down the ramp, everyone saw me thrashing my head around and making funny, painful faces as I fell down. FML

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23477

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By cait - United States - Edmond

Today, within one day of meeting me, my stepmom decided to break up with my dad. Her reason being, "I love you, but I just can’t put up with the kid." I’m 'the kid'. I’m 28 years-old. FML

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1731

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, my kids told me that for the FIRST time, my cooking was delicious. I made Kraft dinner that night. FML

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46134

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By Littlebigben

Today, I found a cellphone. I went through the contacts and called the one listed as 'dad' to inform them I could leave it at a cash register of the store I found it in or take it to the police station so they could pick it up. They then called the police, insisting I stole it. FML

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5572

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By cargaljen - United States

Today, my husband sweetly asked me, "You know what I'd really like to do if I had an extra $4,000?" Expecting a romantic answer, I asked what. He said, "I'd get you a tummy tuck." He still can't figure out what he said wrong. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, while blowing my nose after being bunged up for days, it finally unblocked. A solid slimy multicoloured booger roughly the size of a grape shot out, blew right through the tissue and landed on my manager's shoe. Hell hath no fury like a lady sneezed upon. FML

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By HowAreYouAlive - United States - Ashburn

Today, my coworker called in to say that he couldn't make it to work today because he was in a coma and asked if I could cover his shift. This isn't the first time he's tried to use this excuse. FML

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By littlemiss - Canada - Whitby

Today, my little sister chased me around the house with a mallet, giggling like a maniac. I ended up having to pin her to the ground, rip the mallet out of her hand and lock her in the bathroom. This isn't the first time. My mom still insists it's perfectly normal. FML

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By justgivemethed - United States - Westminster

Today, I was tutoring a band member. Whenever I ask him to play a D or any D scale, he stops just to snicker and say, "Ha ha. D." He still sucks. I hate his guts. FML

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42765

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By anon - Canada - Goderich

Today, my father tripped over the dog and hit a wall. He was so convinced his arm was broken that we waited for 3 hours in emergency to find out he had a bruise. FML

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38712

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By Anonymous

Not a biology major

Today, I found out my boyfriend ate glitter. When I asked him why he would do such an insane thing, he replied, "I wanted my jizz to sparkle." FML

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By Anonymous

Big Little Lies

Today, my boyfriend dumped me for a guy. I was the only one who knew he was bisexual. Now everyone thinks I "turned him gay." FML

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By mypoolisstilldirty - Australia

Today, I found out that the pool boy has been stealing from me for over a year now. The latest things that he has taken are my laptop, the cash I hide in my closet and my wife. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, was my first meeting with business partners as I am new to the team. Instead of saying that I was looking forward to "stretching my legs" or "spreading my wings", I told them I was anxious to start "spreading my legs". FML

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By Sarah - United States - Hampton Bays

Today, I found out that I'm not actually allergic to chocolate, when my mom freely admitted to me that she made it up when I was a child because she didn't want to share any cookies with me. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was turned down for a job as a cashier at Best Buy. I worked like hell to get into and then graduate from one of the top Telecommunication schools in the country. I spent all my time with extracurriculars to help my resume instead of partying like my friends. I can't even be a cashier. FML

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By lucy_g - United States

Today, I was talking to my boyfriend, feeling pretty low. I said something along the lines of "You like me even when I look like shit." He replied, "Ah, that's just how you naturally look." FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Harker Heights

Today, my brother walked in on me jerking off. I managed to close the porn tab, at least, only to end up on my mom's Facebook profile. FML

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By iskiel - Australia - Melbourne

Today, I was shopping at my workplace, out of uniform, with my husband. A customer recognised me and wanted me to serve him, but I couldn't since we can be fired for doing so while off-duty. He complained to my manager, who wasted no time publicly bitching me out. FML

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By Mom - United States

Today, I found out all about my son's secret online double life. He's been moonlighting for two years as a male prostitute by the name of Peter Parker. FML

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45346

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By explanations - United States - Des Plaines

Today, after dating for almost a year, I decided to introduce my parents to the man I was sure I'd fallen in love with. When dad saw him, his and my boyfriend's face completely dropped. I asked them what was wrong because I could feel the discomfort. Turns out, I'm dating my dad's drug dealer. FML

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By grovage - United States

Today, a repairman came to fix my couch, which is under warranty because the frame had broken in multiple places. To ensure I got a new couch out of the deal, I stabbed multiple holes into the cushion. The guy fixed the frame, but said there was nothing he could do about lacerations on the sofa. FML

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5724

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By NotAsToughAsHeThinks - United States

Captain Badass

Today, a man pulled me violently into an alleyway and informed me I was being mugged. Being a body-builder, I said, "Oh yeah? Go on then." He kicked my ass in a matter of seconds, stole my wallet, then farted on my bruised face. He called me a wimp. FML

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16115

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By Bob

A heads up next time maybe?

Today, when my girlfriend walked out the room, for a laugh, I covered my whole body except my knob in blankets. Then when I heard her come back in, I yelled, "Surprise!" It was her mom, who'd dropped by unannounced. FML

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Top comments

By jessxoxo28 | 5

#781002 - Monday 18 January 2010 2:24

get his #

By MoobyTheCow | 2

#781011 - Monday 18 January 2010 2:25

YDI for not ordering Chinese.

COMMENTS

By 123e3 | 0

#780991 - Monday 18 January 2010 2:22

FAIL

By Sirin_fml | 46

#780993 - Monday 18 January 2010 2:22

This sounds like the setup for a cheesy porn flick (-:`,

lubby_fml | 0

#781244 - Monday 18 January 2010 4:00

giggity...

Sirin_fml | 46

#781260 - Monday 18 January 2010 4:06

Giggity-goo.

gingersnapper | 0

#782638 - Monday 18 January 2010 19:55

Seriously, OP. Time to put on a slutty negligee and some really bad disco music the next time you answer the door.

pwincessa23 | 1

#1380894 - Friday 10 September 2010 8:18

go out some more Hun.

By amiracle | 0

#780996 - Monday 18 January 2010 2:23

...really?

Mustardnight | 3

#781732 - Monday 18 January 2010 9:25

Serves you right for being a maple leafs fan!!! Go habs!! Colis d'ostie.

Dukaness | 0

#782421 - Monday 18 January 2010 17:40

Its more of an FML for being a leafs fan.

By jessxoxo28 | 5

#781002 - Monday 18 January 2010 2:24

get his #

extrasnipes | 22

#5896304 - Wednesday 26 March 2014 12:46

it's probably on her speed dial

By Person1233 | 12

#781004 - Monday 18 January 2010 2:24

OP, I think we can change that ;D

By superHydrate | 4

#781010 - Monday 18 January 2010 2:25

that's one sad fml!!

izzy21_fml | 0

#1209939 - Monday 9 August 2010 1:51

maybe the cause of this is ordering to many pizzas making you gain weight therefore the only boy to ever show up is the one delivering pizza

By MoobyTheCow | 2

#781011 - Monday 18 January 2010 2:25

YDI for not ordering Chinese.

Venumsucker | 0

#787224 - Wednesday 20 January 2010 23:45

actually im white and thats all im interested in they're just so shy

jamieleigh_315 | 0

#2627832 - Monday 6 June 2011 4:51

# 43 lmao aww it's okay

By renots4206 | 0

#781024 - Monday 18 January 2010 2:27

Call for some chineese food and you can have a party!

By ensemble_coeur | 0

#781025 - Monday 18 January 2010 2:27

mapleleafs34? YDI for liking the Toronto Maple Leafs

Trilogy | 1

#3424916 - Thursday 13 October 2011 5:15

#9 I agree compleatly

By davidhasmorefun | 0

#781029 - Monday 18 January 2010 2:28

maybe instead of eating you should go
to the gym