Today, I realized that the only boy that shows up at my door...

By mapleleafs34 - 17/1/2010 19:24 - United States

Today, I realized that the only boy that shows up at my door is the pizza boy. FML

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Love

Understandable

Yappy neighborhood

Tidy your room

By Anonymous - 23/9/2009 12:08 - Australia

Today, my husband blew all the candles on his birthday cake while I was taking a photo in front of him. I will probably never use cocoa powder to decorate a birthday cake anymore. FML

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By Alana - 1/1/2011 05:27 - Australia

Today, I went to a New Year's party with my boyfriend. Later into the night, he got drunk, and left me there to go to another party with his friends. I have no car, and no way to get home. FML

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By HelpMe - 25/2/2014 09:59 - United Kingdom - Galashiels

Today, my mum asked me how the guinea pig was doing. We don't have a guinea pig. Turns out she had volunteered me to look after the next door neighbor's guinea pig when they were away and 'forgot' to tell me. They have been gone two weeks. FML

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By Ice cold - 22/11/2012 05:35 - Australia - Cheltenham

Today, my girlfriend decided to break the news that she wanted us to be "just friends." However, she did it not in just any old way - while ice-skating. I'm currently in hospital getting stitches in my arm after I tripped in shock and she ran me over. FML

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By Anonymous - 30/11/2009 02:39 - United States

Today, my mom sat on a pencil and started bleeding. She then made me clean the wound on her butt and put ointment on it. FML

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By Pierceew - 19/9/2009 05:22 - United States

Today, after making out with this guy, our tongue piercings got stuck together. After about five minutes of trying to unlock them, I accidentally vomited a little in his mouth. FML

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By - 18/4/2019 02:00

Today, I found out I'm going to have to come into the office on yet another weekend to plow snow. This wouldn't be so bad, if I actually got paid to work weekends. FML

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By Anonymous - 28/7/2009 22:27 - United States

Today, I was supposed to hear back from a major scholarship competition. After months of waiting, during which my parents were convinced I had won, I discovered that my entry had never been received. Apparently the woman I had confirmed with had had a long day, and lied so that she could go home. FML

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By :( - 6/6/2013 23:37 - United States

Today, at my new job at a funeral home, my boss threatened to fire me if I didn't "lighten the hell up" while dealing with our grieving clients. FML

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By peacechick25 - 2/1/2011 09:36 - United States

Today, as a finisher to a date with my girlfriend we decided to park behind the school and mess around. As we were pulling into a dark shaded spot, she drove straight into a snow bank. We spent the rest of our time together trying to dig the car out. FML

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By Amanda - 13/12/2010 16:29 - United States

Today, I was in the car with my mom. We were discussing my brother, how he's been screwing up majorly lately and she blamed it on his friends. Then she turned to me and said, "It's a good thing you've never had any friends." FML

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By me - 21/2/2012 23:56 - United States

Today, while driving, I slowed down and made sure I safely went by a pedestrian, and in the process rear-ended the car in front of me. FML

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By notnow - 27/9/2013 01:32 - United States

Today, minutes before I walked down the aisle at my wedding, my drunk mother stumbled up to me and told me she was depressed and wanted to leave. FML

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By Marjo86 - 27/9/2019 20:00

Man vs. Wild

Today, I got stung by a hornet. I asked my mum to pass me my allergy medication, but she refused, because they were my brother's, saying "he's allergic to bees and wasps!" No mum, wrong kid. FML

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By Anonymous - 20/6/2020 08:08

Fake mystery guy

Today, I dressed cute to surprise my boyfriend of 2 years. Instead of being happy or impressed about it, he accused me of cheating and dressing up to impress a new guy he'd made up in his head. FML

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By Anonymous - 9/8/2015 01:23 - United States

Today, at Walmart, a lady came up to me and informed me that I "look like the kinda skank that'd give it up on the first date". FML

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By squishy - 11/2/2010 00:07 - United States

Today, my 4-year-old niece told me she likes it when I'm around because I'm "squishy and smell like fried chicken all the time." FML

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By Average Lover - 27/10/2018 03:00

Today, my wife and I decided to go to an adult store and buy some toys to spice up the bedroom a bit. She wanted to buy a double-edged dildo so "we can use it together". I'm a guy. FML

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By Anonymous - 24/8/2016 03:07 - United States - Dover

Today, I was helping my Grandfather to sort through tubs and bins after cleaning out his attic, and I had to move a 50lb bin downstairs. That's when the dog thought it would be funny to block the top of the stairs as I was going down. FML

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By Twiddle - 7/12/2009 07:00 - Canada

Today, my boyfriend invited me for dinner to meet his parents. Turns out his stepmother is my gynecologist. FML

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By dumbassbuffet - 11/11/2011 15:53 - Canada

Today, I cut my penis on a desk fan. FML

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By technicallywroteabook - 21/8/2015 05:15 - United States - Grapevine

Today, I turned in an essay about a book I'd read over the summer. My teacher later called me to her desk and began to gush about how interesting the book sounded and asked to borrow my copy. The book I wrote about is not real, and the main characters are named after my childhood pets. FML

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By Pooperscooper - 20/7/2009 18:45 - France

Today, I learned when you're babysitting a 5 year old, and you hear the toilet flush and then the words "uh oh", it's already too late. FML

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By Charon - 9/10/2009 22:11 - United States

Today, I asked a girl I like to homecoming. I brought her to my house beforehand for dinner with my family. My brother asked her whether we were just friends or dating, she shouts "Just friends!" and then starts flirting with him with me in the room. FML

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By Anonymous - 29/5/2013 15:21 - United States

Today, I fainted. Instead of stopping to help, some guy stopped to draw a penis on my forehead. The EMT laughed. FML

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By qwerty6 - 30/9/2009 06:17 - United Kingdom

Today, it was my birthday. I asked my mom that instead of a present if she would make a donation to my favourite charity. She said that this wasn't a "proper" present for a 15-year-old girl. Instead she got me a kettle because "ours had broke and you make the most tea in the family." FML

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By pedestrian - 26/1/2011 05:07 - United States

Today, I let my friend borrow my car. She parked it in a towing zone, and it was towed. The best part is, it was towed by a bogus towing company. The cops assure me it's safe in a chop shop somewhere. FML

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By FreeToFly3733 - 19/8/2010 11:25 - Canada

Today, I finally found my cellphone when I heard WHACKWHACKWHACK inside the washing machine. FML

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By Anonymous - 24/5/2011 04:38

Today, my boss ate a small piece of paper off her desk, thinking it was frosting. I have to work for this woman. FML

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By Alexea Luton - 11/11/2019 01:00

The eye of the beholder

Today, my boyfriend compared me to an unattractive actress. When I said it was sort of messed up to say that to me since she's not pretty, he said, "She's not as bad as you." FML

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By Js2cool - 29/9/2015 02:32 - United States - Fitchburg

Today, I went to clean my cat's litter box, not realizing she was in it. As I lifted the top half of the litter box up, she sprayed me with piss. FML

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By Anonymous - 25/12/2012 07:12 - United States

Today, after giving my mother and my girlfriend their Christmas presents, I realized just how similar they looked both in box size and wrapping paper. I noticed after my mother gasped upon finding a vibrator in her box. FML

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By SureDoesMakeAGirlFeelGood - 13/4/2016 01:45 - Canada - Paradise

Today, I found out that my husband has more topless pictures of his ex on his computer than he does of me. FML

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By poupi - 25/12/2008 12:57 - France

Today, I was reading the end of my book. I turn the page and see, written at the top: "Lauren kills Paul in the end... You shouldn't have pissed me off." It was from my sister, we had a fight yesterday. FML

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By pistonsunshine - 10/10/2009 18:06 - United States

Today, I took a girl out I've been seeing for two months on our first real date. I had saved all my money for the week for this. I took her to a beautiful restaurant uptown. She got hammered, hit me and screamed that I would never be as good as "Marshall." FML

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By craphanded - 19/7/2011 17:45 - United Kingdom

Today, I saved a bird from being run over as it lay in the middle of the road. Thinking it had a broken wing or something, I started carrying it home, intending to take it to the vet later. It crapped in my hand and flew away. FML

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By Anonymous - 19/2/2013 18:47 - United States - Indiana

Today, I got locked out of my car for an hour in frigid weather at a busy gas station. Every time I tried to use the key, the alarm went off and the locks wouldn't work. The car company claims they've never heard of this happening. I just bought it last week after taking out a 5 year loan. FML

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By youfuckingdumbassmum - 27/12/2012 23:20 - United Kingdom - Cambridge

Today, I was texting my mother after my boyfriend broke off our relationship. She offered incredibly supportive replies such as "No, really?" and "Aww, that sucks." before apparently getting bored and claiming she had to go because her "text reception" was breaking up. FML

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By lookwhereyasittin - 24/1/2016 17:47 - Netherlands - Den Haag

Today, it was the first day in my life that I fell into a toilet because someone left the toilet seat up. I'm a guy. FML

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By Anonymous - 6/7/2011 11:06 - United Kingdom

Today, I was the designated driver. It was also my birthday party. FML

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Top comments

By jessxoxo28 | 5

#781002 - Monday 18 January 2010 2:24

get his #

By MoobyTheCow | 2

#781011 - Monday 18 January 2010 2:25

YDI for not ordering Chinese.

Comments

By 123e3 | 0

#780991 - Monday 18 January 2010 2:22

FAIL

By Sirin_fml | 46

#780993 - Monday 18 January 2010 2:22

This sounds like the setup for a cheesy porn flick (-:`,

lubby_fml | 0

#781244 - Monday 18 January 2010 4:00

giggity...

Sirin_fml | 46

#781260 - Monday 18 January 2010 4:06

Giggity-goo.

gingersnapper | 0

#782638 - Monday 18 January 2010 19:55

Seriously, OP. Time to put on a slutty negligee and some really bad disco music the next time you answer the door.

pwincessa23 | 1

#1380894 - Friday 10 September 2010 8:18

go out some more Hun.

By amiracle | 0

#780996 - Monday 18 January 2010 2:23

...really?

Mustardnight | 3

#781732 - Monday 18 January 2010 9:25

Serves you right for being a maple leafs fan!!! Go habs!! Colis d'ostie.

Dukaness | 0

#782421 - Monday 18 January 2010 17:40

Its more of an FML for being a leafs fan.

By jessxoxo28 | 5

#781002 - Monday 18 January 2010 2:24

get his #

extrasnipes | 22

#5896304 - Wednesday 26 March 2014 12:46

it's probably on her speed dial

By Person1233 | 12

#781004 - Monday 18 January 2010 2:24

OP, I think we can change that ;D

By superHydrate | 4

#781010 - Monday 18 January 2010 2:25

that's one sad fml!!

izzy21_fml | 0

#1209939 - Monday 9 August 2010 1:51

maybe the cause of this is ordering to many pizzas making you gain weight therefore the only boy to ever show up is the one delivering pizza

By MoobyTheCow | 2

#781011 - Monday 18 January 2010 2:25

YDI for not ordering Chinese.

Venumsucker | 0

#787224 - Wednesday 20 January 2010 23:45

actually im white and thats all im interested in they're just so shy

jamieleigh_315 | 0

#2627832 - Monday 6 June 2011 4:51

# 43 lmao aww it's okay

By renots4206 | 0

#781024 - Monday 18 January 2010 2:27

Call for some chineese food and you can have a party!

By ensemble_coeur | 0

#781025 - Monday 18 January 2010 2:27

mapleleafs34? YDI for liking the Toronto Maple Leafs

Trilogy | 1

#3424916 - Thursday 13 October 2011 5:15

#9 I agree compleatly

By davidhasmorefun | 0

#781029 - Monday 18 January 2010 2:28

maybe instead of eating you should go
to the gym