Intimacy: Today, after returning home from a camping trip, I found a leech... - FML

Nearly

28/09/2021 01:05

Today, I found out my dog of 11 years has very severe cancer. Her spleen, which has swollen to the size of a football, had a small rupture a day ago and would fatally within a week, we'll be putting her down tomorrow. FML

I agree, your life sucks 53

You deserved it 5

27/09/2021 06:27

Today, I have to get up and go to work. FML

I agree, your life sucks 57

You deserved it 103

Spicy

Spicy

Nice try, though

By Anonymous - 16/10/2021 20:00

Spicy

Today, I bought a $100 Victoria's Secret gift card for an ex who I still have a thing for, only to find out she started dating someone else a week ago. I just realized I bought lingerie for her to wear for someone else. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9

You deserved it 75

Unfriended

By thethrowawayplace - 15/10/2021 17:00

Spicy

Today, my friend was watching a black guy getting yelled at by the cops on TV. He then decided to yell, "Wow, ni***** really don't know how to behave!" When I didn't react, he yelled it over and over, until I slunk into my room. He knows I'm part black. FML

I agree, your life sucks 702

You deserved it 112

23/07/2011 00:57

Today, after returning home from a camping trip, I found a leech on my love spuds. I ended up having to call my dad in to help me get it off. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 005

You deserved it 5 000

Commando

Dysfunctional

Technologically challenged

08/04/2017 12:00

Today, I was cleaning the litter box and found a large clump. I later found my 3-year-old peeing there instead of in the toilet. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 694

You deserved it 588

Suspicious activity

By Anonymous - 20/08/2021 08:01

Today, I pulled to the side of the road to take my medication. A cop claimed he’d seen me circling the area several times and gave me a ticket for kerb crawling. I’d literally just got off the motorway to take my pills. My wife is never going to believe I was innocent. FML

I agree, your life sucks 855

You deserved it 74

16/09/2018 13:00

Today, I was sitting a full bus when a man seated himself next to me. After a few moments, he looked at me and said, "I can smell your vagina, you must be ovulating." I don't know if he was hitting on me or what but I couldn't race out of there fast enough. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 703

You deserved it 258

14/05/2011 23:35

Today, I went to my phone company and had my text history pulled. Why? Because a few days ago my 4 year old daughter told me that, "Daddy has a wife and a girlfriend." Turns out she was right. FML

I agree, your life sucks 49 712

You deserved it 4 382

Beep Beep Who's Got the Keys to the Jeep

By Loser - 12/08/2017 03:30

Today, I lost my keys while at the supermarket. I franticly back-tracked through the store, asking everyone I saw along the way. They eventually showed up, right where I left them... in my unattended car, the engine still running. There was an announcement made over the PA system. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 111

You deserved it 3 277

22/03/2013 15:01

Today, I had to endure a long face-to-face conversation with a coworker who had fierce BO. He had his fingers interlaced around the back of his head the whole time. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 271

You deserved it 2 772

10/11/2016 05:40

Today, I was taking a break in my work truck when I saw a huge swarm of bees flying my way. I have a hand crank window so I started cranking it up as fast as I could and the knob snapped off before it closed and I got stung by the whole swarm before I could get out. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 700

You deserved it 735

22/11/2009 22:13

Today, while looking through a stack of possible pictures for Facebook, I found one I really liked, until I noticed that I have recently developed a bald patch. Problem? I am a 22 year old woman. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 937

You deserved it 3 044

13/11/2009 06:26

Today, I had to meet my mother. Being a college student, I decided I was too lazy to shave this morning. She noticed the stubble on my face, and started crying because I'm growing up. I'm 23 years old. My dad yelled at me for making my mom cry. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 805

You deserved it 3 472

29/01/2015 17:01

Today, my parents continue comparing me to my "perfect" friend. He smokes dope, is a compulsive thief, and has gone to juvie numerous times. I'm passing school with flying colors and have never been in any trouble with the law. Apparently I should be more like him. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 910

You deserved it 2 373

12/04/2009 07:21

Today, it was my birthday. My grandma gave me a hug and a check after wishing me a happy birthday and walked away giggling. I was excited because it was the only gift I had gotten all day. Ten minutes later, I realized that it was actually just my tax refund. FML

I agree, your life sucks 53 142

You deserved it 3 459

28/10/2011 01:48

Today, I had to sit patiently at the checkout at work, listening to my own father rant about how the twinkies he was buying were "twice the size back in my day", and how "you could buy a dozen of these suckers for just 10 cents." He didn't stop there. No, he tried to haggle over the price. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 806

You deserved it 2 376

14/02/2014 01:31

Today, I was out with my girlfriend at a club. As a slow dance began, a guy approached and asked, "May I cut in?" My girlfriend surprised me by saying, "Sure!" As I was about to protest, the guy cut me off and said, "Sorry miss, I was asking him." FML

I agree, your life sucks 51 917

You deserved it 7 230

07/02/2011 17:44

Spicy

Today, my boyfriend asked me to play dead so he could have sex with my "corpse." FML

I agree, your life sucks 57 871

You deserved it 7 749

14/04/2017 04:00

Today, my girlfriend yelled at me for not showing up to her mother's birthday party. I didn't go because I had to finish a project for work over the weekend. This is the same person who refused to go to my father's funeral because she, "didn't feel like getting dressed up." FML

I agree, your life sucks 6 615

You deserved it 827

21/06/2019 02:09

Today, I got written up at work over false accusations that I didn't do some safety tasks. The same tasks that were done before I had even arrived. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 520

You deserved it 125

13/04/2009 17:39

Today, my girlfriend of 8 years dumped me. When I asked if there was another guy, she responded, "You were the other guy". FML

I agree, your life sucks 168 230

You deserved it 13 325

Monday blues

By Anonymous - 09/11/2020 11:02

Today, I asked my boss if I could take a vacation day for my birthday on Monday. She called to tell me yes, and then told me I'm getting laid off. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 006

You deserved it 66

12/07/2011 13:34

Today, I moved into my new apartment. My neighbor is apparently crazy and thinks I'm trying to 'steal' her husband. She watches me and is super paranoid. I have a two year lease. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 958

You deserved it 3 157

31/08/2012 23:40

Today, at college, we had a substitute philosophy teacher, because our professor is on bereavement leave. During his presentation, the sub managed to segue from the early works of Immanuel Kant straight into "the myth of the vaginal orgasm." I'm still shocked and highly confused. FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 830

You deserved it 2 108

27/03/2013 19:55

Today, my husband called me, saying he was in the hospital with a friend who'd just broken his arm. Too bad I then heard a female voice in the background mutter, "She'll never buy that". FML

I agree, your life sucks 62 339

You deserved it 4 305

17/02/2013 15:50

Today, while on my way to the movies, I stopped at a gas station to pick up candy so I could avoid the high prices at the movies. The guy who tore my ticket asked for my purse, confiscated my candy, and then kicked me out of the movie theater. That guy was my boyfriend. FML

I agree, your life sucks 51 592

You deserved it 9 012

15/04/2018 06:00

Spicy

Today, I drove 2 hours to spend the night with a man who I have been seeing for a few weeks. We had sex for the first time. About an hour later, he told me he wasn't really into me and asked to be friends. Then, he apologised because he has herpes. FML

I agree, your life sucks 8 645

You deserved it 2 097

20/11/2012 06:47

Today, my parents kindly told me what they are getting me for my 18th birthday. An eviction notice. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 604

You deserved it 3 414

15/09/2009 17:16

Today, I got stuck in an elevator. The help-line tells me, "Don't touch the door. We'll be there soon". Two hours later, I've got a headache, my legs are stiff and my date must think I stood her up. The tech finally arrives, pries the door open, then rudely asks, "Why didn't you do that yourself?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 319

You deserved it 3 540

Earthquake

By Bolin - 17/05/2021 08:08

Today, I have to sleep in another room, with the door closed, because if I don't, my girlfriend's snoring will keep me awake. I was diagnosed with chronic insomnia because of this. FML

I agree, your life sucks 832

You deserved it 98

29/06/2011 04:10

Today, our carbon monoxide detector started beeping. My mom started freaking out and made me go stand outside so I "don't die". I stood outside for 20 minutes, it was raining and it turned out that the detector was just low on battery. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 144

You deserved it 4 373

03/11/2018 05:00

Today, I got severe diarrhea in a public bathroom. I told my 6-year-old to stand directly outside the stall where I can see her shoes. She proceeded to inform everyone who came in that "Mommy has diarrhea." FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 675

You deserved it 309

26/07/2011 10:33

Today, it's the first day of my Hawaiian honeymoon. We found out that the pool is under construction and our room is infested with roaches. We are paying $375 a night for this. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 066

You deserved it 4 488

15/05/2015 20:26

Today, I woke up so hungover that when I went to the bathroom and caught sight of myself in the mirror, I screamed, slipped backwards, and smashed my head against the rim of my bathtub. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 231

You deserved it 11 976

09/07/2009 15:00

Today, I heard a student in the class I assist having trouble with a download. I walked over and showed him how to save to his flash drive, and how to use 7z to unzip said file. I then found out I'd just assisted him in downloading a half gig of porn during class. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 747

You deserved it 9 522

23/09/2016 01:52

Today, the guy I'm seeing told me, "I've always loved you as a person.... but not in any other way." While he was inside me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 987

You deserved it 1 064

07/01/2011 02:45

Today, feeling melancholy, I took a blanket out to the backyard and lay down to look at the clouds. My dad came out to ask me what I was doing. I told him, he smirked, squatted over my face, and farted. He then ran back inside and told my mom. She laughed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 013

You deserved it 6 194

30/09/2011 15:12

Today, my roommate was packing up her kitchen stuff as she prepared to move out. Apparently that includes the majority of things I bought last week to replace all of her stuff she is taking. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 323

You deserved it 2 988

10/03/2009 21:30

Today, my parents got back from their weekend ski trip. I had a few parties over the weekend and had cleaned up absolutely EVERYTHING; beer cans, throw up, spilled drinks, etc. The only thing I forgot about was the condom someone left in my parents bed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 17 088

You deserved it 72 559

11/09/2013 08:20

Today, my boyfriend and best friend decided to "help" by assembling my new front porch while I was away. Ecstatic, they displayed their handiwork. It's charming how the porch is precariously balanced, it leans in such a way that it appears it will fall over if you walk through the front door. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 254

You deserved it 3 457

06/09/2010 18:01

Today, I woke up to the sound of my roommate's alarm clock going off at 6:00 in the morning. His bedroom door was locked, and he was passed out in his bed from drinking too much. It rang continuously for five and a half hours before it finally ran out of batteries. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 984

You deserved it 3 206

Or does he?

By Anonymous - 09/02/2021 00:30

Today, I read a message from someone on Instagram asking if I wanted to "hook up with a nice guy sometime." It was my uncle – he doesn't recognize his own family before messaging them. FML

I agree, your life sucks 955

You deserved it 47

13/06/2010 14:36

Today, it's my Nana's birthday and to say she is having a good time is an understatement. She's so drunk, she took out her false teeth tried to put them in her dog's mouth. When she failed, she tried the cat's. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 090

You deserved it 4 193

30/06/2016 19:35

Today, I have put in many job applications and had many interviews for a variety of positions all of which I am highly qualified for. Today, I heard back from all but one that I am overqualified. Welcome to Walmart. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 485

You deserved it 926

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Top comments

throwglitter1 0

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Saturday 23 July 2011 5:49

love spuds? bahaha :)

Idonebeenhad 17

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Saturday 23 July 2011 5:56

ydi for calling them love spuds

Comments

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Saturday 23 July 2011 5:49

wow

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Saturday 23 July 2011 5:53

it sucked that much, you had to call ur dad? -Pun intended

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Saturday 23 July 2011 5:53

that blows

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Saturday 23 July 2011 5:53

that blows

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Saturday 23 July 2011 5:53

that blows

Idonebeenhad 17

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Saturday 23 July 2011 5:56

ydi for calling them love spuds

flockz 19

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Saturday 23 July 2011 5:56

the leech really had to grow a pair to go after the love spuds.

sourskittle95 5

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Saturday 23 July 2011 6:13

I can't even imagine how awkward that would be...

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Saturday 23 July 2011 6:13

Ewwwie, that must've been awkward.

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Saturday 23 July 2011 6:49

that SUCKS. I bet your dad BLEW up with laughter after he saw it.

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Saturday 23 July 2011 6:56

WTF are love spuds?

Jay1D 0

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Saturday 23 July 2011 7:01

I assuming they're testicles.

flockz 19

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Saturday 23 July 2011 7:13

no they're mister and mrs. potato head durrrr

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Saturday 23 July 2011 7:16

Then who was leech????

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Saturday 23 July 2011 7:21

You call transvestite hookers "leeches"? I bet there was so much sucking going on that it took a while for your dad to pull it off your "love spuds".

YourEvilHero 12

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Saturday 23 July 2011 7:49

would have sucked even more if you got a boner

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Saturday 23 July 2011 8:17

got the love spuds, in the love shack! baby love shack!

moosemonkey1000 6

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Saturday 23 July 2011 8:28

the fuck are love spuds?

moosemonkey1000 6

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Saturday 23 July 2011 8:28

the fuck are love spuds?

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Saturday 23 July 2011 9:11

And that's why children, you where bathing suits while swimming.

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Saturday 23 July 2011 9:13

**Wear

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Saturday 23 July 2011 9:14

*wear

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Saturday 23 July 2011 9:17

Yes I realized my mistake, and yes I corrected it. No need to correct it again.

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Saturday 23 July 2011 9:38

If you payed any attention to time, then you would realize they where posted within a minute of each other.

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Saturday 23 July 2011 10:18

*Were.

DoubleEdgedBlade 4

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Saturday 23 July 2011 10:54

*paid

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Saturday 23 July 2011 11:12

"love spuds??" this is the first and god willing the last I ever here that used by a man. >.< lmao FYL

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Saturday 23 July 2011 11:12

Eh, its good father-son bonding! I've had to dig a tick out of my boyfriends balls while camping. we've never been closer :-3

dolphincheddar 10

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Saturday 23 July 2011 16:30

at least it wasn't your mom that had to do it

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Saturday 23 July 2011 18:46

143 - Owned

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Sunday 24 July 2011 23:44

My first thought.

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Monday 25 July 2011 3:10

love spuds? da fuck....

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Monday 25 July 2011 4:28

My thoughts exactly.

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Wednesday 27 July 2011 4:51

-143 wowwwww really????

TYbarnes1995 13

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Monday 30 June 2014 7:56

And the fact you have to burn off leeches

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Saturday 23 July 2011 5:49

woow that sucks ...

TheMasticater 9

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Saturday 23 July 2011 6:01

Is it too soon to make a blowjob joke?

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Saturday 23 July 2011 6:18

at least it didn't get your love carrot.

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Saturday 23 July 2011 7:19

I'm guessing love spuds refer to OP's balls from analyzing all the "blows"/"sucks" puns. I can't see the gender of OP on my iPhone so can anyone confirm?

evaki1 12

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Saturday 23 July 2011 12:44

That s not punny!

throwglitter1 0

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Saturday 23 July 2011 5:49

love spuds? bahaha :)

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Saturday 23 July 2011 6:26

Bahaha that was my first thought too. "Love spuds" haha...best term ever XD

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Saturday 23 July 2011 6:30

lmao mine too.

androiddestroya 7

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Saturday 23 July 2011 7:40

props for "love spuds"

davidisbeast 12

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Saturday 23 July 2011 9:17

ok so is that a reference to breasts? :O

AsianCookie247 14

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Saturday 23 July 2011 9:20

I thought the same thing! lol

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Sunday 24 July 2011 10:23

135-no to his balls

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Monday 25 July 2011 5:31

OP, next time that happens, just use salt. easiest way to get rid of them. damn aquatic mosquitos.

xX_LilSammie_Xx 4

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Monday 25 July 2011 18:04

-Insert amused chuckle.-

Saturday 23 July 2011 5:49

woow that sucks ...

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Saturday 23 July 2011 7:30

I can picture the leech's reaction when it realized it wasn't sucking blood

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Saturday 23 July 2011 8:23

cut your balls off. then it will never happen again lol....

DoggyDoggWorld 0

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Saturday 23 July 2011 10:08

3- no pun intended?

brainsforblondes 0

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Saturday 23 July 2011 10:26

^lol

Feklfekl2222 32

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Saturday 23 July 2011 12:23

you're not meant to pull leeches off it's much safer to leave them on

Sunny_Eclipse 6

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Saturday 23 July 2011 14:36

Aww look at the Pika-kitty.

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Saturday 23 July 2011 5:49

lol love spuds good one

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Saturday 23 July 2011 7:58

5-get a new profile picture, your is annoying. middle finger and a smile, classy.

IAm1AwesomeChick 7

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Saturday 23 July 2011 9:31

Why be so mean?

pink_raindrops 26

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Saturday 23 July 2011 16:18

That's not being mean, it's being honest. Those types of pictures are really stupid.

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Saturday 23 July 2011 17:03

maddie- because everyone wants to see just one eye and your chin. grow up

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Saturday 23 July 2011 18:01

plus he's ugly

superguavafruit 0

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Saturday 23 July 2011 19:25

Are you here to look at people's pictures?

jellybeans4833 7

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Saturday 23 July 2011 5:50

Lol aww the leech wanted to stat with you :( you're so mean!

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Saturday 23 July 2011 5:53

at least you don't have to worry about blueballs anytime soon xP

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Saturday 23 July 2011 7:23

Ah man no soda!? I love bawls!

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Saturday 23 July 2011 5:54

love spuds. that's a new one haha

markymark1429 8

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Saturday 23 July 2011 6:35

wooah cutie!

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Saturday 23 July 2011 7:59

fersure.

ilovemyjohnnyboy 0

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Saturday 23 July 2011 8:19

shut the hell up. you are annoying!

IAm1AwesomeChick 7

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Saturday 23 July 2011 10:37

Why be mean?

shorewoodTBIRD 0

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Sunday 24 July 2011 0:56

hello:)

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Sunday 24 July 2011 7:43

heyy

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Friday 27 January 2012 5:38

According to ur face it is

Sweej 1

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Saturday 23 July 2011 5:54

Why would you call your dad? .... and what did he do that you couldn't?

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Saturday 23 July 2011 5:57

op's dad is a professional massage therapist.

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Saturday 23 July 2011 5:57

op's dad is a professional massage therapist.

KaySL 24

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Saturday 23 July 2011 6:05

I believe his dad helped him "get it off", Sweej.

amrik 11

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Saturday 23 July 2011 6:38

sprinkle salt on its head :)

edogy 0

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Saturday 23 July 2011 7:20

WTH are love spuds?!?!

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Saturday 23 July 2011 7:57

the same question seemed to pop into my head while reading this.. an fml and wtf moment!!

illegalmexxican 0

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Saturday 23 July 2011 10:33

love your pic

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Saturday 23 July 2011 18:42

why not ur mum?

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Saturday 23 July 2011 5:54

that sucks balls!

HowardTheDuck 0

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Saturday 23 July 2011 6:33

lmao

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Saturday 23 July 2011 6:33

hahaha litteraly

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Saturday 23 July 2011 7:52

leggit .

IAm1AwesomeChick 7

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Saturday 23 July 2011 10:39

Leggit?

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Saturday 23 July 2011 13:04

if you can't figure it out, he meant legit.