Miscellaneous: Today, I had so much skin peeling off my lips that it got caught... - FML

By Anonymous - 04/03/2016 16:47 - United States - Suwanee

Today, I had so much skin peeling off my lips that it got caught in my fork as I was eating. FML

I agree, your life sucks 18 184

You deserved it 5 478

Sorry…

Best teeth in the game

Boozehounds

By rongo12 - 11/05/2012 21:41

Today, I was heading to the bathroom when I clearly saw a little boy walking into my bedroom. My wife and I live alone, and I screamed at the top of my lungs, thinking he was a ghost. Turns out my wife collected him from school for a friend, and I just didn't hear them arrive. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 661

You deserved it 6 778

By selfishsexysanta - 24/12/2012 18:06 - United States

Spicy

Today, I gave my husband an early Christmas present: Santa-themed lingerie. He got angry and called me selfish, for "using" him as an excuse to get myself nice stuff. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 298

You deserved it 13 800

Smoked

By Anonymous - 21/09/2020 11:01 - Canada

Today, I washed my clothes in the shared laundry room. All my clothes came out smelling like smoke. FML

I agree, your life sucks 988

You deserved it 109

By sothatsano - 16/12/2015 08:56 - United States - Spokane

Today, I was going to propose to my girlfriend. At the right moment, I got down on one knee. As I was reaching into my pocket to get the ring, she got so freaked out she kicked me in the face. I chipped a tooth and the ring flew off, and now I can't find it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 359

You deserved it 1 810

By Meow - 15/09/2009 13:21 - Singapore

Today, I was finishing up my art project that was due the next day. I was really tired and fell asleep on my table. Three hours later, I woke up to find my project torn to bits. I went out and saw my cat vomitting out feathers and other materials I used for my project. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 674

You deserved it 8 127

By mouseart - 03/11/2016 14:51

Today, I work as an assistant to a sculptor. We finished all our projects early so his wife decided to have me clean their kitchen. I wasn't paying attention and picked up a dead mouse. I screamed and threw it away as hard as I could. It hit their five-year-old son in the face. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 297

You deserved it 1 314

Mix up

By luckygirl - 06/06/2019 12:09

Today, I have a bad cold, so I've been carrying tissues around with me. I noticed our puppy had pooped on the floor, so I grabbed a napkin and cleaned it up, then threw it away. I then blew my nose with my tissue. Apparently, I threw away my tissue and used the napkin. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 638

You deserved it 569

By reasonablysingle - 11/06/2016 03:27 - Australia - Greystanes

Today, I'm taking care of my 12-year-old daughter because my ex-wife thought she could cure our daughter's lactose intolerance by sneaking milk into her soy breakfast. The milk had expired. FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 289

You deserved it 1 234

By TheDrugsAreStrongWithThisOne - 20/07/2015 08:21 - United States

Today, a customer wanted corporate's number because we aren't allowed to sell pies after midnight. After a drug-fuelled cuss-storm, she punched me in the face through the open window and peeled out of drive-thru like a bat out of hell. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 840

You deserved it 1 932

By compguy - 25/02/2010 15:39 - United States

Today, I applied and was accepted for a part-time network engineering position. Being contract work they asked me what I charge. I replied, "$12 an hour." After a look of surprise they accepted me for the position and said, "Our last guy charged $200 an hour, you're a bargain." FML

I agree, your life sucks 17 591

You deserved it 34 776

By let it go! - 01/12/2018 13:00 - United States - Hesperia

Today, my ex from high school is married and has kids but still found time to make yet another fake profile to berate me for cheating on him when we were 17. I've already blocked him, moved states, and changed my number twice. We're in our 30s. Fml

I agree, your life sucks 3 404

You deserved it 1 477

Bushy

By Mustache - 03/11/2020 14:02 - Austria

Today, I was on my way to meet my partner's parents for the first time. Although I was in a rush, I managed to hop into the shower and shave. I now have a cut on my upper lip. I'm a woman. FML

I agree, your life sucks 865

You deserved it 223

By Anonymous - 12/09/2009 16:33 - United States

Today, at Six flags, friends and I were going to ride "Superman". People lose their phones on it easily, so I asked a friend who decided not to ride to put mine in her bag. When it ended, I learned she went and asked an employee in navy to hold onto it, but couldn't find him. Employees wear yellow. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 391

You deserved it 7 057

By poop - 21/03/2015 16:47 - United Kingdom - London

Today, I was at my Mandarin teacher's house. I had diarrhoea and had to go to the toilet. My mum texted me while I was still in the toilet saying, "We all heard you". FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 559

You deserved it 2 713

By FuckSteakNShake - 06/06/2017 16:00

Today, I was fired, all because I asked my manager for help on the line when we were short staffed and he was on his butt in the office. He said it wasn't his job to help us. Apparently, asking your manager for help when you're busy gets you fired. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 870

You deserved it 218

By catsonuincorns - 15/04/2018 06:00 - United States - Clovis

Today, I was in a car accident with my dad. A wheel slammed into my door, dislocating my arm and breaking it in three places. Later on, the people who hit us came over and gave my little sister a gift basket. She wasn't even in the car. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 448

You deserved it 225

By Anonymous - 31/05/2012 19:03 - Canada

Today, I drunkenly staggered home and crashed on the couch. When I woke up I realized it wasn't my house. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 598

You deserved it 34 298

By Anonymous - 15/10/2015 20:34 - United Kingdom

Today, I got nearly kicked out of the room I rent because I refuse to close my curtains at night. Apparently, my landlady thinks it doesn't look nice when people pass by and look. My room is on the third floor and I just want to see the stars. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 499

You deserved it 1 857

By Anonymous - 24/01/2015 21:40 - United States - De Forest

Today, I noticed that my boyfriend's sister looks at my ass more than my boyfriend does. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 960

You deserved it 3 740

By atang - 09/04/2009 09:16 - United States

Today, I was leaving a clothing store when the security guard stopped me and demanded that I surrender the clothing I was "trying to steal" by hiding it under my shirt. It turns out, he was just looking at my pot belly. FML

I agree, your life sucks 55 815

You deserved it 11 432

By sendhelp - 03/08/2015 05:31 - United States - Provo

Today, my roommates decided to do some experimental baking. To be supportive, I tried one of their creations. I've been alternating between vomiting and diarrhea for the past hour. My jaw is sore from vomiting, and I can barely muster the energy to flush between "switching sides" anymore. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 535

You deserved it 2 429

By thanks.... - 03/01/2014 21:04 - United States

Today, I woke up to every window in my house packed with snow. It was so bad that I thought I'd been snowed-in, and I started freaking out. It took two hours and multiple phone calls before I found out that my neighbor had taken our prank war too seriously and staged the whole thing. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 146

You deserved it 13 396

By Anonymous - 19/12/2013 22:49 - Australia - Kensington

Today, my mother decided to inform me that she doesn't believe canned food can have an expiry date and that the food is still okay to eat years after the 'supposed' expiry date. She's probably been cooking my dinner with expired food for over 17 years. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 882

You deserved it 4 989

Not a real doctor

By silencio - 24/05/2012 10:44 - Canada - Ch?teauguay

Spicy

Today, my mom watched a Dr. Phil episode. She's now hysterical because she assumes me and my friends are involved in sex parties. All because a man on the TV said so. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 304

You deserved it 2 378

By Mintspice - 19/12/2018 06:00 - United States

Today, my friends decided to pull a prank. They told my girlfriend I had cheated on her, which I hadn't. Her revenge? Inviting me over to have me walk in on her with my brother. Our 6 month anniversary was two days away and I got her a trip to Spain, which cost me almost three pay-checks. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 970

You deserved it 594

By Anonymous - 17/01/2013 00:53 - United States - Wahiawa

Today, I went on a run with my crush. She expressed how happy she was to have a decent running partner, because the last one kept complaining he thought he might throw up. We got to the top of the hill and I puked right in front of her. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 577

You deserved it 4 587

Mind your own beeswax, Amanda

By look in the mirror bitch - 10/11/2020 14:04

Today, I called someone out for her brazen homophobia. She was ranting about how gays are sinners. When I mentioned that she had three children by three different men, all out of wedlock, and was currently living with her boyfriend, also considered a sin, she reported me to HR for harassment. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 306

You deserved it 221

By hiker - 29/03/2011 19:00 - United States

Today, my dad said that if I walked home from school, a distance of 8 miles, he would give me $50. Two hours and four massive blisters later, I come home. When I asked for my money, he said "I was kidding." FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 438

You deserved it 14 179

Since when has that been there?

By Michelle - 19/12/2020 08:01

Today, I thought something was wrong with my car battery because my dashboard lights were really low. I paid $77 to find out the dimmer switch was turned down. FML

I agree, your life sucks 339

You deserved it 756

By YouWish - 25/08/2016 03:57 - United States - Mount Pleasant

Today, on my way to work, I was checking my hair in the semi-reflective window of an office building. I suddenly realized that the guy I had a one-night stand with last week was standing on the other side, looking confused. He now genuinely believes that I am stalking him. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 325

You deserved it 1 652

By Celluloid - 29/04/2011 06:52 - United States

Today, I thought I heard someone shifting around in my house. I froze in fear and then I heard it again. I thought I was hearing things until I realized that it wasn't an intruder in my home. The shifting noise was my thighs rubbing together when I walked. FML

I agree, your life sucks 17 046

You deserved it 39 811

By mack - 25/10/2009 08:54 - Canada

Today, I went to a 'haunted' theme park, actors had been trying to scare me the whole night. I was waiting by an outdoor heater for my friend when a hand came out of nowhere close to my face. I screamed at the top of my lungs, but it was only some chick wanting to warm her hands by the heater. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 694

You deserved it 7 111

By Fresca11 - 29/06/2011 00:51 - United States

Today, I was having dinner with my boyfriend. We'd just got our food when my dad walks in, comes up to our table and says, "I didn't say you could leave, you're too young to be dating him", then drags me out of the restaurant. We are both 15, and it was my first date. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 424

You deserved it 14 013

By fmlimoverit - 12/09/2010 00:39 - United States

Today, my boyfriend of 6 months broke up with me because he felt "our religious differences kept us apart." We've never talked about anything religious. Ever. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 182

You deserved it 3 674

By maybe? - 11/02/2015 16:11 - Germany - Hamburg

Today, at a paintball match, my boyfriend shot me between the legs and asked, "Still want kids now?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 475

You deserved it 3 973

By Anonymous - 30/03/2011 16:37 - United States

Today, I told my crush of two years that I love him. He responded with an, "Aww, I'm sorry." and a pity hug. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 580

You deserved it 9 875

By aianmoo16 - 01/05/2016 21:52 - United States - Chicago

Today, I was at a mini arcade and accidentally put a hundred dollar bill through the quarter machine. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 383

You deserved it 9 129

By Anonymous - 25/12/2014 21:00 - United States

Today, my dad has discovered selfies and my mom has discovered taking pictures of food. Now I'm at a restaurant, suffering through it all and not being able to eat anything until my mom has taken pictures of it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 077

You deserved it 2 605

Liquid fun

By Anonymous - 16/08/2020 05:04

Today, after 25 years, I quit drinking. It wasn’t worth it. My life and everyone around me still sucked. So I started up again. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 220

You deserved it 617

By MWT77 - 27/07/2019 15:00 - United States - Chicago

Today, I came home from my aunt's funeral to find my basement flooded due to a sewer backup. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 798

You deserved it 81

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Top comments

ki087 20

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Saturday 5 March 2016 1:19

dude, get some chapstick.

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Saturday 5 March 2016 1:24

Maybe you've been mind controlled by an evil wizard to slowly commit autocannabilsm.

Comments

ki087 20

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Saturday 5 March 2016 1:19

dude, get some chapstick.

Eyalsh 32

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Saturday 5 March 2016 8:01

my ex showed me a method for that, when brushing your teeth, brush your lips also. over a couple of times they will look like new. side effect being a weird feeling in the lips right afterwards for about an hour. but it's totally worth it.

aliciousness116 16

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Saturday 5 March 2016 11:50

YESS, that method works!

Brandi_Faith 33

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Sunday 6 March 2016 2:49

Chances are he has some sort of medical issue and it's worse than just your average chapped lips that Chapstick can fix. My cousin had insane chapped lips and went to the doctor it was so bad. The doctor told her she was actually having a type of allergic reaction to her Chapstick and every time she used it to help it was actually making her worse. She was told to stop using all chapsticks and only use Vaseline. It ended up clearing up fairly fast. Try Vaseline only, for about a week, and if there's no improvement go see the doctor.

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Sunday 6 March 2016 9:13

Actually Chapstick makes your lips worse once you stop using it. They put in these crystals that dry out your lips immensely once you stop using it.

youdontsay123456 21

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Saturday 5 March 2016 1:21

This is when chapstick comes in handy....

MegasaurusRex89 28

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Saturday 5 March 2016 1:24

Exfoliation and lip treatments are your friend.

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Saturday 5 March 2016 1:24

Maybe you've been mind controlled by an evil wizard to slowly commit autocannabilsm.

sumi90 12

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Saturday 5 March 2016 1:25

Drink plenty of fluids; water, juices etc. and apply some glycerine instead of Chapstick. It's more effective.

cheshirecat13242 32

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Saturday 5 March 2016 1:25

Slap some coconut oil on that shit, OP! Works like a charm. You'll have lips like Beyoncé after a week

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Saturday 5 March 2016 1:35

Nice!

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Saturday 5 March 2016 7:18

Pertinent advice. Coconut oil works wonders.

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Saturday 5 March 2016 1:41

Exfoliate your lips. A glove or a spin brush works wonders.

DirectorLincoln 12

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Saturday 5 March 2016 2:59

The fuck?

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Saturday 5 March 2016 4:50

as does a toothbrush.

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Saturday 5 March 2016 6:24

For u who don't know, a spinbrush is a toothbrush... It's motorized.

Druu 53

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Saturday 5 March 2016 1:44

Eww, dude, that is just so gross. Apply vaseline, especially overnight. (Mentholated chapsticks sting like crazy if your lips are chapped.)

feven 32

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Saturday 5 March 2016 1:54

Sounds painful. But seriously you couldn't find Chapstick or Vaseline anywhere? You kind of deserve it.

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Saturday 5 March 2016 2:05

That's called your forkskin.

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Saturday 5 March 2016 4:38

So is he slowly becoming Jewish?

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Saturday 5 March 2016 18:17

Hey we don't need no lip service from you, boy.

Nearly

Today, I feel like I'm going crazy as I'm in a 2-year relationship with a guy who's 17 years older than me (I'm 23). He's a wonderful partner and I'm totally in love, but the age gap causes monthly, sometimes daily, shifts between wanting to have it all with him, and wanting to leave him. FML

I agree, your life sucks 7

You deserved it 48

Today, it has been 7 years of me submitting FML’s. I don’t know what worse, that I’ve submitted so many of that none have never been featured. FML

I agree, your life sucks 51

You deserved it 26

Spicy

Spicy

Today, I found out on Facebook that my mom and step-dad have an open marriage. To make matters worse, my step-dad shamed me for not being more sex positive. FML

I agree, your life sucks 528

You deserved it 145

Today, I found out why my husband faked being sick on Thanksgiving. He was invited to Thanksgiving dinner by to the coworker he’s seeing. She was planning to introduce him to her family. He never told her he was married, so knowing I would tag along if he came, he faked having a “fever” so he couldn’t go out. FML

I agree, your life sucks 837

You deserved it 47