By Becks - 7/9/2020 23:01

The spirit of John Lennon

Today, I found a bug in my bra. Not a huge deal, so I flicked him out. Turns out he was a black blister beetle. I woke to at 3 a.m. to insane pain, as well as the water blisters all over my boobs. FML

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And today, on Dr Phil…

Cake is everything

Not now, mom, I'm in pain

By lifestinks - Canada

Today, when my boyfriend reffered to my hair, I told him I was going to dye it. He responded by saying, "finally, so how much you going for, 40, maybe 50 pounds?". I said dye it, not diet. FML

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By Sfg_926 - United States - Newberg

Today, I told one of my coworkers that she looked really cute today. Later she sent an email to me and cc'd the entire office saying "It really makes me feel uncomfortable when you say things like that to me. And I shouldn't have to feel that way at work." FML

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By Anonymous - 8/4/2020 17:00

Headfucked

Today, after two weeks of migraines, my doctor informed me that bowel movements are one my triggers. This means every time I shit, I will have a headache. FML

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By joyful-not - United States

Today, my sister got married. For the second time. She's 30. Two men have loved her enough to cry over their vows to her. Every single person there asked me why I wasn't married yet. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, it was my birthday. I was heading back to my apartment and I heard noises inside the door. Assuming it was the surprise party I'd hinted at, I flicked on the lights as two heavy guys pushed past me. I was robbed. FML

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By ouch - United States - Sterling

Today, I spontaneously got my ear pierced. By spontaneously, I mean my 12-year-old sister stabbed one of her earrings into my ear while I was sleeping. She claimed the freckle on my earlobe looks "exactly the same" as the hole from her ear piercing. FML

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By someone - United States

Today, while walking home, the gods were kind enough to grace me with the sight of an old man jogging past me in nothing but a pair of short shorts. The image of his balls swinging to and fro underneath like a pendulum has been forever burned into my retinas. FML

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By Tytonic - United States - Havertown

First dates

Today, after my first dinner with my new girlfriend, I was using a toothpick when I fell, stabbing the roof of my mouth. She then laughed at me, as there was so much blood. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, while sleeping over at my guy friend's house, I woke up mid-air after falling off his abnormally high loft bed. Luckily, there was a table and 3 shot glasses to break my fall. FML

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By You're Not a Wizard

Today, I earned the nickname of "Harry Potter" for all the wrong reasons. I got locked in a storage cupboard for most of my shift, and couldn't get out. FML

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By HeSaysImNoBeard - United States

Today, I went to see the new Twilight movie, for the second time. The first time was at the midnight premiere. I would be "okay" with it if the person who had dragged me to see it both times hadn't been my boyfriend. FML

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By targe - Australia

Today, after a stressful series of events, I went to the beach to unwind. I sat on the sand, breathed in deeply and closed my eyes, trying to find some sort of inner peace. Then a seagull shat on me. FML

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33760

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By muggle68 - United States

Today, was my birthday. I have been heavily hinting that I want an iPhone. I opened my present from my parents and found an iPhone box. Ecstatic, I quickly opened it. Apparently, my parents thought it would be funny to wrap my present, a $10 iTunes gift card, in the box my Dad's iPhone came in. FML

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36193

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By thanksmom - United States

Today, I finally got up the nerve to invite the guy I like to hang out at my house. It was also the day my mother decided that our house is a "pants optional zone," and that she should implement that policy immediately. While he was at our house. FML

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By BornToBeABurden - United Kingdom - London

Today, I asked my mum when she gets the urge to smoke. The answer I was looking for was "after I eat" or maybe even "when I'm tired". What I got was "every second since you were born". FML

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By holycommander - United States

Today, I woke up next to my girlfriend. I was woken up by my mother breaking into my house to tell me I need to get ready for work. Then she got mad that I had a girl over. I'm 20. FML

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43438

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By mouthwash - United States - Gallipolis

Freudian intensifies

Today, I had a dream where I was cuddling with a girl. She rolled over to face me, snuggled up into the crook of my neck, then muttered in disgust, "Ugh, your breath stinks!" Cock-blocked in my own dreams. FML

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35652

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By fail - United States

Today, I found out yet another of my guy friends liked me. I posted that I just wanted a guy friend that had absolutely no romantic feelings for me. My crush volunteered. FML

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34824

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, it was my birthday. My boyfriend had been telling me for the past two weeks that he had something planned for the occasion. His plan? Me watching TV with his parents, who hate me, while he went to work. His gift? A brand new Xbox 360 for himself. FML

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By Username

Today, my brother announced his engagement. I'm going to be the Maid of Honor. My ex, who told me after five years of dating that he didn't believe in marriage, is going to be the Best Man. I get to walk down the aisle with him. FML

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By shrek - United States - Chattanooga

Today, my mother and I were watching a movie. She got up to go to bed, and I blurted out, "Please don't leave me." Her response: "You really need a boyfriend." FML

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13329

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By that girl has a beard - Canada

Today, I went to the movies. A really cute girl sat beside me. I tried to strike up a conversation with her until she turned to look at me and I realized he was a guy. I couldn't even finish the movie because I felt his judging eyes burn holes into me the entire time. FML

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By chubbs - United States - Vacaville

Today, after waiting 2 hours for my landlord to leave so I could take a shit in peace, I sat down on the toilet. The doorbell immediately rang. It was my landlord, who wanted to let me know that he had just backed into my car. FML

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By nevergoingtopeeagain - United States - Richmond

Today, I went to the bathroom on the way to class. After washing my hands, I couldn't figure out how to turn off the water. I finally resorted to asking a professor for help. She turned it off, looked me in the eyes and said, "Please don't tell me you're here on a scholarship." FML

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By oompaloompa

New, from L'Oréal!

Today, I used a self-tanning towelette to help even out my tan lines and disguise my vitiligo a bit. Now my stomach is orange and my spots are even more noticeable. FML

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1222

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By Amanda Howard - 27/4/2020 02:00

Says something about you, probably

Today, my brother, who recently got out of prison after doing time for armed robbery, got a job at Target. I applied to the same Target six times, and was denied every time. FML

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1847

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By MIND BLOWING - Canada - Toronto

Today, after waking up from a drunken night, I realized the burning sensation I had from the lube during sex was because I used hand sanitizer. FML

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13192

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By Why me. - United States - Kent

Today, I emailed my boss to let her know I was uncomfortable working over what my university’s 28-hour policy allows. She demanded I work 40 hours this week. In any other job, I'd be fine, but if I work over 28 hours, the university will fire me. If I refuse to work 28 hours, my boss will fire me. FML

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3544

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By Anonymous - Australia

Today, I laughed about a fold in my girlfriend's jeans that felt like she had a tiny boner. She started crying. Turns out she has a slight deformity. Oops. Explains why we've been taking it so slow. FML

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29900

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By treats - Singapore

Today, I caught my dad eating the dog treats I'd bought for my dog. The only thing he could say was "These are really good, no wonder the dog is so obedient. Wanna try one?" FML

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27233

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By cumbucket cops - United States - Barberton

Today, I found out that my unemployed husband has his own web-comic, that he makes money off it, and that it mainly involves the main character's airhead, money-grubbing wife ruining his life. She looks strikingly like me and shares my name. FML

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By Loser - United States - Winona

Today, I was skinny dipping with some cute girls from school, one of which I really like. Everything was great until I caught a fish on my own personal nightcrawler and they had to take me to the ER. I'll forever be known as "salmon dick". FML

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4307

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By gb739 - United States

Today, I called my boss and said, "I have been awake since 3 a.m. throwing up." He replied, "Great, see you at 9." and hung up. FML

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35156

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By likecomeon - United States - Glendale

Today, I figured out why my 'best friend' hasn't talked to me in weeks. She assumed an FML post she read was about her. It was posted in 2009. I met her last year. FML

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26818

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By SorryUncleTommy - United States - Brooklyn

Today, it was my uncle's funeral. I wasn't very close with him, but I still wanted to be respectful. My boyfriend, being the jackass that he is, was singing the Spider Pig song from The Simpsons under his breath while making his fingers walk up my leg, trying to get under my skirt. FML

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29177

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By sleepy125 - United States

Today, the first guy I've ever loved is going to a fancy rush party with my best friend. He did tell me he needed space to think about us this whole weekend. I guess I know what he's been thinking. FML

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22157

You deserved it

2018

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By Isoldael - Netherlands

Today, I caught three kids setting fire to a bush. After chasing them off, I parked my bike by a house and went to get water. After I'd put the fire out, I walked back to my bike just in time to see the kids running off with it. FML

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32959

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By Justme - United States

Today, I had surgery on my "girl parts" and can't have sex for six weeks. My boyfriend sees no need to spend any time with me until I heal up. FML

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53225

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was meeting my girlfriend at the airport after studying abroad for a year. She ran to hug me, and I wanted to pick her up and spin her around, like they do in those romantic movies. I tried to do that, but instead I dropped her. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I overheard my dad telling his work buddy that he's disappointed in his kid. I assumed he meant my brother, for flunking out of school. He meant me, for quitting sports to focus on my studies. FML

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Top comments

By daddycaitlin | 13

#7936714 - Tuesday 8 September 2020 2:03

Wait. Not a huge deal?? How are you used to having bugs in your bra? I could never.

By JoanT | 11

#7936722 - Tuesday 8 September 2020 4:27

Everyone but you

COMMENTS

By RichardPencil | 29

#7936689 - Monday 7 September 2020 23:02

Polynipples!

I hope you have pictures for us.

JoanT | 11

#7936722 - Tuesday 8 September 2020 4:27

Everyone but you

RichardPencil | 29

#7936738 - Tuesday 8 September 2020 5:24

So, you've seen them?

C'mon, do me a solid -- forward me the pics!

JoanT | 11

#7936739 - Tuesday 8 September 2020 5:31

Dude I’m the author and fuck no even if I had pics I wouldn’t send them you

RichardPencil | 29

#7936741 - Tuesday 8 September 2020 5:33

Are you Becks or JoanT or both?

Don't be stingy.

By Darlene King | 3

#7936711 - Tuesday 8 September 2020 1:23

Can you say that fast 3 times?

Black blister beetle
Black blister beetle
Black blister beetle

By daddycaitlin | 13

#7936714 - Tuesday 8 September 2020 2:03

Wait. Not a huge deal?? How are you used to having bugs in your bra? I could never.

JoanT | 11

#7936721 - Tuesday 8 September 2020 4:26

I live in Hawaii bugs are so common, plus I grew up with so many brothers they never bother me until they give you painful water blisters on the boobs

RichardPencil | 29

#7936754 - Tuesday 8 September 2020 7:23

Do I want to know how your brothers give you "painful water blisters" on your boobs?

Uh, ... no. If you'll share your tittie pics with everyone in the world but me, I certainly don't want to know what your brothers do to your boobs.

By rebelwithmouseyhair | 16

#7936759 - Tuesday 8 September 2020 8:14

"The spirit of John Lennon"? C'mon guys, that's not a funny title.

jkjorn | 15

#7936818 - Tuesday 8 September 2020 15:21

Took me a while to get it, it's a little obscure.

(hint: google "I GOT BLISTERS ON ME FINGERS!")

By voodoo66 | 5

#7936906 - Tuesday 8 September 2020 21:45

sounds like the bug went to second base with you