Kids: Today, I found my 6-year-old daughter recording herself on her... - FML

By DarkChild - 11/02/2016 22:18 - France

Today, I found my 6-year-old daughter recording herself on her little tape recorder. When I asked her what she was up to, she replied in her cute little voice, "I'm recording myself so you'll have a souvenir when I'm dead." FML

I agree, your life sucks 612

You deserved it 38

Batman

And today, on Dr Phil…

Life is unfair…

Compensating

By Jpev - 12/05/2016 01:09 - United States - Huntsville

Today, my girlfriend and I were walking back to my car after a long day of work. A large SUV had parked next to mine, so I jokingly said to my girlfriend, "What do you think they're compensating for?" That's when the couple behind us unlocked their vehicle. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 057

You deserved it 4 304

By Anonymous - 17/09/2014 20:07 - United States

Today, I was eating a hot fudge sundae and I complained that the fudge was at the very bottom and I couldn't reach it with my spoon. My husband muttered "Fat girl problems." FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 991

You deserved it 13 108

By Anonymous - 10/06/2014 20:06 - Barbados - Bridgetown

Today, my nineteen year old daughter handed me a book on raising children and said "Maybe you'll do better next time." FML

I agree, your life sucks 51 302

You deserved it 16 443

By smellychick - 14/03/2018 11:00 - United States - Hesperia

Today, my boyfriend dumped me for being a "cheating whore" when he found men’s deodorant in my bathroom cabinet. I just have abnormally strong B.O. and men’s deodorant works better for me. According to him, "No girl sweats that much." FML

I agree, your life sucks 5 062

You deserved it 285

Touchy

By Anonymous - 04/03/2021 20:01

Today, I found out that my paper about World War 2 has led my teacher to believe that I hate Jews. I wrote my paper about the technological advances made during the war, and made no mention of Jews. She and I are both Jewish. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 127

You deserved it 70

By me - 10/11/2012 19:49 - United States - Bend

Today, my dad agreed to let me borrow the car to go rock climbing with my friends. He'd just filled it up with gas, which is how I realized halfway back home that one of my "friends" had siphoned well over half the gas straight out of the tank. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 781

You deserved it 2 233

By Kimmiko - 04/06/2009 12:17 - Germany

Today, I was driving on the motorway when a cop car made me stop. It was a routine check and when they said "Have you been drinking?" of course I said no. To that, my 6 year old sitting in the back screamed "Yes she did! She's lying I saw her drink!" I had drunk a milkshake. FML

I agree, your life sucks 111 040

You deserved it 7 145

By Mrs. W. - 11/08/2015 00:32 - United States - Las Vegas

Today, a kid on a bike passed me and commented on my "big fat butt." Recognizing him from the neighborhood, I told my husband to go speak to his parents about the inappropriate comment. It turns out his father is the man who yesterday commented on my "big bouncing tits." FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 355

You deserved it 2 369

By anonymous - 07/07/2016 15:24 - United States

Today, my friends woke me up on my birthday by spraying me with silly string. I have a job interview and it won't come out of my hair. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 734

You deserved it 1 020

By Hannah - 17/06/2011 21:24 - Ireland

Today, I made the long drive to work, got out of the car, and realised that I'd forgotten to put shoes on before I left the house. FML

I agree, your life sucks 17 179

You deserved it 33 600

By Chase - 15/05/2017 18:00

Today, I turned 21 and had a huge party because I could finally drink legally. Got arrested for public intoxication. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 295

You deserved it 6 287

8 out of 10 dentists

By Anonymous - 03/01/2021 08:02

Today, my 45 year-old sister blamed my parents yet again for losing one tooth after the other because they did not tell her to brush her teeth before going to bed. It's general knowledge, honey. And somehow, I still have all my teeth. FML

I agree, your life sucks 765

You deserved it 1 601

By Anonymous - 21/06/2013 20:27 - United States

Today, my mom cut off the legs of all my pants, because she says I don't show enough skin for guys. I'm now forced to wear jaggedly cut shorts that barely cover my thighs until I can buy new ones. FML

I agree, your life sucks 55 064

You deserved it 5 280

By Anonymous - 20/03/2012 16:50 - Sweden - Nora

Today, I was walking back to my hotel from the town square, and got lost. I turned back and walked around town for an hour, freaking out and panicking. When I finally found the hotel, I realized it was practically a stone's throw from where I was when I turned around. FML

I agree, your life sucks 20 159

You deserved it 6 912

By RestlessDiesel - 18/04/2016 14:40 - United States - Hudson

Today, I pulled off the road to help a turtle cross it. Before I could get out of my car a dump truck ran over the turtle, splattering my car with turtle guts and bits of shell. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 991

You deserved it 1 822

Thanks, I hate it

By MdT - 23/05/2009 11:51 - South Africa

Today, my family returned from a holiday in Egypt. A holiday that I really wanted to spend with them. As if leaving me behind wasn't bad enough, they then made me watch a 200-picture slideshow of how much fun they had. FML

I agree, your life sucks 49 779

You deserved it 3 683

By phonesmuggler - 18/04/2013 19:30 - United States

Today, I briefly left my laptop while I went to use the toilet. When I came back, I found "I" had posted on Facebook, calling my mom a "stupid cunt who should just stay in the kitchen." The only other person home at the time was my grandpa. She didn't believe it, and permanently grounded me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 803

You deserved it 5 793

By 4_and_20_blackbits - 26/08/2013 08:38 - New Zealand - Christchurch

Today, while baking, I was joined by my roommate who doesn't really cook. I was making a batch of dough and she volunteered to help. After showing her how to knead, she really got into it. Afterwards, I asked why she wanted to help. "It really cleans my nails", she said. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 331

You deserved it 3 964

By thegirlofthedad - 29/01/2013 09:48 - India - Mumbai

Today, I saw a lady who had fainted. I ran over to help, only to find out that she was unstable and had a knife in her hand. She was pointing it at me, and growled threateningly every time I tried to move away. It took the cops an hour to defuse the situation. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 564

You deserved it 2 767

By trev - 30/05/2011 16:12 - United States

Today, when I weighed myself on my scale, it broke. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 081

You deserved it 28 905

By Carlos Cervantes_1981647997 - 08/08/2019 06:00

Today, like any other day, I look just like Kim Jung-un. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 466

You deserved it 194

By ItWasOurAnniversary - 28/09/2016 12:08 - Australia

Today, my boyfriend and I wanted to kayak. On the way, I told him I had to go back to our hotel because I needed the bathroom and didn't want a public one to smell. Once back in the elevator at the hotel, it got stuck. For an hour. I pooped myself and had to wait 40 minutes after that for help. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 326

You deserved it 2 452

By latter - 24/09/2013 00:05 - United States - Middle River

Today, I had to explain to my brother why it's not OK to stick his knob in the toaster. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 224

You deserved it 3 293

By fuck you, kid - 16/07/2014 18:56 - Australia - Brisbane

Today, I babysat a 9-year-old kid for the first time. The moment his parents left the house, the little shit looked me dead in the eyes and let me know that if I didn't let him do whatever he wanted, he'd tell his parents that I touched him in his "no-no place". Suddenly I hate kids. FML

I agree, your life sucks 56 932

You deserved it 3 978

By whatchagonnado - 24/03/2013 07:35 - Canada - Victoria

Today, while at my boyfriend's house, I needed to use the bathroom. I decided to be a good girlfriend and leave the seat up for him. He later yelled at me for not putting the seat down because he needed to take a dump. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 869

You deserved it 8 839

By scumbag - 05/11/2009 10:12 - United States

Today, I got a call from the guy I have been seeing. I wasn't him. It was his wife wondering why I have her husband's number. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 061

You deserved it 6 405

By Stung - 10/02/2012 14:13 - United Kingdom

Today, I got into a fist-fight with a wasp, aka a Nazi helicopter. Despite swiping at it with ninja-like skills, I lost. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 437

You deserved it 29 052

By shifala - 22/01/2015 09:02 - Philippines - Caloocan

Today, I was riding my bike to work in a hurry and hit a pothole. I flew off and hit the ground hard. I was badly shaken, but an old lady came over, checked me out and helped me to my feet. After she left the scene, I realized she'd pickpocketed my wallet while "helping" me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 969

You deserved it 3 178

By chlorinesmells - 30/05/2012 13:51 - United States

Today, a kid I taught to swim became my new boss, at the pool that I have worked at for nine years. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 883

You deserved it 3 832

By Anonymous - 25/06/2019 22:14

Today, my mother-in-law told me to "just wait" until she gets home from her trip, because apparently, taking a vacation with her partner is more important than the birth of her first grandchild. Contractions started a few hours ago. Part of me hopes she misses it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 097

You deserved it 198

By Beesmakemerun - 10/04/2017 04:00

Today, I made a joke about my electric lawnmower sounding like a bunch of angry bees. It was verified when I ran over a beehive in my backyard. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 211

You deserved it 526

By Ginny - 30/06/2009 09:23 - Netherlands

Today, I decided to start running to stay fit. Before I left, I put my cell phone in my sweat shirt pocket, and jumped vigorously up and down and ran around my apartment to make sure it wouldn't fall out. On a bridge, it slides out of my pocket and drops fifteen feet into the water below. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 358

You deserved it 16 157

By brutality - 15/06/2009 05:38 - Canada

Today, I saw a few old co-workers at the bar. They recognized me and started calling me by the nickname they had for me that I was unaware of. It appears I was known as "butch megan" by the entire office for 2 years. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 864

You deserved it 4 098

By Fatty Fatty Fatso - 05/05/2013 00:41 - United States - Somers

Today, I learned that my mother counts my jeans as two pairs when she counts how many she's putting in for a load of wash. I've gotten that fat. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 597

You deserved it 39 022

By Drim - 25/11/2009 17:52 - Canada

Today, I learned that there is a limit to being thrifty. For example buying a pan from the dollar store is most likely going to cost a lot more than a few dollars. Especially when it melts all over your stove which you now have to replace. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 069

You deserved it 31 805

By Anonymous - 11/04/2018 06:00

Spicy

Today, I secretly turned off the internet to see what my kids would do. Barely 10 minutes later, I caught my oldest son masturbating to a photo of my sister in a bikini because, as he put it, "A man has needs and the internet's fucked." FML

I agree, your life sucks 6 583

You deserved it 2 129

By Anonymous - 16/11/2014 00:04 - United States - Cleveland

Today, I asked my dad for advice. I recently got drunk and had a one-night stand. I feel terrible, because I'm engaged to a wonderful lady. My dad just said, "You did the right thing, son, keep it up. She's gonna steal half ya shit in the divorce anyway". FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 729

You deserved it 34 315

By whatrights - 12/07/2009 08:59 - United States

Today, I learned that "Officer, I do not consent to any searches" means "Officer, please handcuff me, I am trying to be difficult" in cop speak. FML

I agree, your life sucks 51 363

You deserved it 23 740

I don't like to move it, move it

By Anonymous - 22/03/2020 09:30

Today, I realized just how sedentary both my work and home lives are after I went to the doctor with a rash on my butt and he diagnosed it as bedsores from near constant sitting. FML

I agree, your life sucks 841

You deserved it 1 139

Wreck

By Car Problems - 03/03/2021 20:01

Today, I paid over $500 to pick up my car from the mechanic, after it'd spent almost a month there. It broke down again on the way home. FML

I agree, your life sucks 969

You deserved it 53

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Friday 12 February 2016 11:37

That's actually really sweet, if you ignore the giant creepy factor.

MMKJ 9

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Friday 12 February 2016 11:37

I hope you never need that souvenir

Comments

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Friday 12 February 2016 11:37

That's actually really sweet, if you ignore the giant creepy factor.

MariaGiovanni 25

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Friday 12 February 2016 18:27

I think she just means that she knows she has to die someday but she can't imagine life without her mom so she must believe she will die first. Kids usually think of their parents as super immortal beings.

MMKJ 9

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Friday 12 February 2016 11:37

I hope you never need that souvenir

moodyreallyrocks 27

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Friday 12 February 2016 11:39

That's actually kind of scary..

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Friday 12 February 2016 11:40

Don't worry, kids take some time to fully understand the idea of what truly "death" means

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Friday 12 February 2016 11:42

Kids can be so thoughtful sometimes

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Friday 12 February 2016 11:42

I think that u have a sweet sweet girl:)

crayon_chomper 20

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Friday 12 February 2016 11:46

Well...at least she's thinking of you!

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Friday 12 February 2016 11:47

Kids say the darnedest things.

Darkness_Hate 29

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Friday 12 February 2016 11:49

Technically she's not wrong..but indeed it's a creepy affection (even if thoughtful)

dextrementor 24

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Friday 12 February 2016 11:56

At least she was thinking of you.

Nearly

Today, my maid sat me down to tell me that she doesn’t like it when me and my partner fight. We don’t like each other anymore and I keep trying to break up with him, but he won’t let me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30

You deserved it 17

Today, I was diagnosed with anorexia. My mother still keeps on calling me a fat fuck. FML

I agree, your life sucks 95

You deserved it 7

Spicy

Spicy

Today, I'm on day 11 of having COVID. My husband said to me, "I hope you get better soon so we can finally have sex again." Thanks for being concerned about MY health and wellbeing. FML

I agree, your life sucks 570

You deserved it 116

Today, I realized why my boyfriend drove me to his “favorite” hospital about one agonizing hour away while I was in labor. His friend who's a nurse worked there. Or should I say, his side chick. He made out with her in the room while I was “sleeping” after giving birth to our first child. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 287

You deserved it 95