Miscellaneous

By Makala - 03/12/2011 08:15 - Egypt

Today, in geometry class, we were working in dead silence. Apparently my phone wasn't on vibrate, and I received 25 texts all at once, while it blasted "Hakuna Matataaaa" out of my back pocket. They weren't even texts from friends, just Facebook notifications. FML

agreeclassic 12 190

vote type 1 36 027

By gtfb1993 - 02/12/2011 22:21 - Canada

Today, I was at the laundromat, when an attractive girl set up at the machine next to mine. She looked me up and down, then noticed the skid-marks on my underwear. FML

agreeclassic 10 688

vote type 1 42 512

By waterbottlehit - 02/12/2011 05:23 - United States

Today, a private number called me telling me to "Beware the water bottles" as soon as a water bottle flew through my open window, hitting me. FML

agreeclassic 30 408

vote type 1 3 467

By Aaron - 01/12/2011 22:00

Today, my house was broken into. How? My mom left a key under a flower pot on the porch. She also left a note on the door saying so. He stole all of my guitars. FML

agreeclassic 37 555

vote type 1 2 754

By Hot Pants - 01/12/2011 17:09 - United Kingdom

Today, I went into hospital and was being treated by a really cute doctor. Not knowing that I was going to end up here, I put on novelty underwear this morning. Well, at least he found the little green glow-in-the-dark skulls amusing. FML

agreeclassic 25 440

vote type 1 5 817

By AmericanDream - 01/12/2011 05:41 - United States

Today, after recently moving to America as I've always dreamt of, I saw my first, majestic deer. My boyfriend slammed it with the rental car. FML

agreeclassic 32 279

vote type 1 3 838

By maggie - 30/11/2011 19:25 - United States

Today, I got a round brush stuck in my hair so badly that I couldn't get it out for 45 minutes, and had a panic attack. I had to drive through town with a brush dangling from my head, to the hair salon, and listen to them laugh while they got it out. FML

agreeclassic 25 815

vote type 1 8 898

By Madi - 30/11/2011 17:55 - United States

Today, my boyfriend discovered that I fart when I'm tickled enough. The best part was when he decided to show his family. FML

agreeclassic 34 770

vote type 1 3 633

By BFH4Life - 30/11/2011 09:27 - United Kingdom

Today, my dad announced to the whole family that we will be having a vegetarian dinner this Christmas to make my step-mum happy. FML

agreeclassic 36 963

vote type 1 5 758

By Anonymous - 30/11/2011 03:13 - United States

Today, I decided to light a candle in my room. Since fire intrigues me, I put an old brochure into it. Paper burns fast, and now my carpet has a big, black burn mark. FML

agreeclassic 7 291

vote type 1 72 570

By Anonymous - 30/11/2011 02:09 - United States

Today, I'm spending time with my granny, with whom I'm supposed to live with for a few weeks. I've noticed that she repeats the last word of every sentence I say, and now I'm wondering how it's possible for me to now be so horrible that I want to punch a sweet 92-year-old lady in the head. FML

agreeclassic 27 889

vote type 1 5 659

By anon - 29/11/2011 23:59 - United Kingdom

Today, a guy lost control of his umbrella in the wind, which then hit me in the eye, making me bleed. He screamed at me for trying to steal his umbrella. People laughed. FML

agreeclassic 37 826

vote type 1 2 282

By Anonymous - 29/11/2011 18:40 - United States

Today, I went to go get my driver's license, only to be told that I need a copy of my birth certificate. In order to get the copy of my birth certificate, I need a driver's license or my passport. In order to get a passport, I need a copy of my birth certificate or a drivers license. I have none. FML

agreeclassic 48 711

vote type 1 5 548

By seanjohn268 - 29/11/2011 17:21 - Canada

Today, I discovered that you should always unplug the electric mixer before licking the beaters. FML

agreeclassic 11 373

vote type 1 66 282

By moopymoplady - 29/11/2011 00:44 - Canada

Today, I saw Santa. He gave me the finger. FML

agreeclassic 29 296

vote type 1 5 631

By Anonymous - 29/11/2011 00:01 - United States

Today, I found out where a few of my favorite outfits went. My mother had taken them out of my closet, wrapped them, and given them to my cousin as a gift. FML

agreeclassic 36 296

vote type 1 2 597

By Exhausted - 28/11/2011 06:07 - Iran Islamic Republic of

Today, I was called an "inconsiderate scum bucket" by my neighbor because I allowed my loud alarm to go on too long before silencing it. The only reason that I sleep through my alarm is because I have to wear earplugs, as they have their TV on maximum volume until 4am. FML

agreeclassic 33 925

vote type 1 2 652

By Meowingtons500 - 28/11/2011 04:02 - Canada

Today, I was looking through some old family pictures for a scrapbook I'm making. I found images of my dad passed out in his underwear, my great-grandpa having a drunken bath, and an unidentified moustachioed man sitting on the toilet, giving the photographer the finger. FML

agreeclassic 25 586

vote type 1 3 142

Meowingtons500 app_comment_confession_title

Meowingtons500 18

Monday 28 November 2011 22:51

Think Mario moustache + typical Saskatchewanian redneck man with a 80's trucker hat and you gots it.:)

By wow - 28/11/2011 01:07 - United States

Today, my mom went through my textbook and sharpied everything that could be "pornographic." It's a high-school biology textbook. FML

agreeclassic 33 947

vote type 1 2 074

By honor sucks - 27/11/2011 23:16 - United States

Today, I lost a huge bet with my friends. I had to either post a sexual message on my mom's Facebook wall confessing my "love" for her, or be ratted out for cheating on a school test earlier in the year. Now I'm considered a freak by half my school, and am indefinitely grounded. FML

agreeclassic 9 031

vote type 1 45 215

By davidh5012 - 27/11/2011 21:41 - United States

Today, my dad had his "sixteen years overdue" vasectomy. I'm fifteen. FML

agreeclassic 31 541

vote type 1 2 901

By Anonymous - 27/11/2011 11:46 - Denmark

Today, I caught my mother trying to text on her iPhone, with her nipple. FML

agreeclassic 43 408

vote type 1 3 598

By Matthew - 27/11/2011 02:33 - United States

Today, I was arrested for breaking into a house. This is what happens when I lose my key. FML

agreeclassic 29 909

vote type 1 4 584

By anonymous - 27/11/2011 00:12 - United States

Today, after spending hours putting up our tree and decorating it, it fell over and shattered the glass ornaments. FML

agreeclassic 28 590

vote type 1 4 646

By Person15 - 26/11/2011 23:13 - United States

Today, I was at the mall and started singing along to the playing of "I Want a Hippopotamus for Christmas." A kid glanced at me and said to her mom, "She IS a hippopotamus." FML

agreeclassic 35 394

vote type 1 10 489

By Me - 26/11/2011 23:10 - United States

Today, my neighbors coated their house in flashing Christmas lights and blared out "We Wish You a Merry Christmas" all day long. Only 29 days left until Christmas. FML

agreeclassic 28 560

vote type 1 3 366

By Anonymous - 26/11/2011 16:52 - United States

Today, I shaved half my eyebrow off trying to shave my uni-brow. FML

agreeclassic 18 385

vote type 1 31 602

By meeeeeee - 26/11/2011 15:38 - United States

Today, I walked in on my boyfriend peeing in the cat's litter box. I'm the one who has to clean it out. FML

agreeclassic 29 999

vote type 1 3 910

Keep it down

By Help - 26/11/2011 06:03 - United States

Today, it's the second week into my new neighbors' routine. He works nights, she works days. He likes to blast out Slayer and Napalm Death all day, she likes to drunkenly sing out of tune to Adele all night. I'm on the verge of a nervous breakdown. FML

agreeclassic 31 770

vote type 1 2 511

By ravlol - 25/11/2011 18:08 - United States

Today, my friends and I were going to do an ugly sweater photo shoot. When we met up, one of them was wearing a sweater I gave on her birthday. FML

agreeclassic 30 450

vote type 1 10 583

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Today, our deaf old dog not only barks for no reason while lying comfortably on her dog bed, lacking for nothing, she now also barks in her sleep. And not those dreamy little yips either; full barks, loud enough to be heard in the next room. Which is where I sleep. FML

agreeclassic 859

vote type 1 157

Today, the CEO of my company told me the only reason I'm being sent to this huge tech conference is because the company will look better with a girl there. I'm expected to stay out until 4am with creepy rich business partners to stroke their egos. FML

agreeclassic 3 334

vote type 1 267

Today, I was accused of stealing when I dropped a $20 bill in front of my boss. His logic: I'm too poor to have a $20 bill and there's no way it was a tip, since our customers are "so stingy". It was a tip and it was going to get me through the rest of the month. He won't give it back. FML

agreeclassic 54 600

vote type 1 3 064

Today, I found a baby squirrel on the pavement and thought I'd try and rescue it. While I googled what to do, it started running around. I tried to grab it, but it ran straight into the path of a car. FML

agreeclassic 22 430

vote type 1 4 063

Today, I realized that I'm the only person in my house not getting any. My sister is sleeping with my ex. My roommate is sleeping with my brother, and my mom texted me, asking to make it look like she slept in her bed so that she didn't have to do the "walk of shame" in the morning. FML

agreeclassic 24 530

vote type 1 2 926

Today, my 7-year-old daughter made a new game: hitting me in the groin when I'm not expecting it. She hunts me in the house, hides around corners, and behind furniture to ambush me. She'll even do it if she catches me napping. I'm a grown man living in fear of a little girl. FML

agreeclassic 57 148

vote type 1 13 080