Miscellaneous: Today, my wife and I went to our friend's house to play some... - FML

By Chris - United States - House Springs

Today, my wife and I went to our friend's house to play some pool. While playing, a Cicada started to fly towards my face, so I flipped my pool stick over and swatted at it with the fat end of the stick. I hit the bug. However, with the skinny side I hit myself in the snow-globes. FML

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Dementia or hate? You decide

Serious times

Commando

By DutchOven - United States

Today, was my wedding. After eating, I had an urge to fart. I let one rip just before my husband and I were called to do the garter dance. He seductively tried to use his teeth to remove the garter and came out from under my dress dry heaving. I dutch ovened my husband in front of everyone. FML

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By IPityTheStool - United Kingdom

Today, I used the staff toilets at school. As I sat down, I heard a sudden plop, followed by the stench of diarrhoea from the next cubicle. It was followed by a "I do apologise!" It was my English teacher. And we continued to chat. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I have a busy week scheduled at work, so I took my file home to smash out some reports. Naturally I did not do any work at home and then I also forgot to take the file back to work the next day. Instead of saving time, I wasted an hour driving home to collect it. FML

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By Cammi0 - United States

Today, I realized the only way I can pay my bills this month is if I steal from my 8 year old's birthday money. FML

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By hottygirl905 - United States - Port Saint Lucie

Today, I found out I have a kidney infection. Now I'm forced to drink at least 4 glasses of water before going to bed. I also have to be woken up every two hours to be told to, "GO PEE BEFORE YOU DIE!" by my mother. FML

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By fire - United States

Today, I interviewed for a full scholarship to college. In the interview I said that I was excited about the new dean because I think she’ll be able to really make improvements and bring the school back to where it used to be. After the interview, I learned my interviewer was the former dean. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I apologized to the cat for walking into the laundry room while he was using the litter box. FML

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By Firstborn - Canada - Halifax

Today, I got into a major fight with my parents over my younger brother stealing from me. Their response was to get angry at me for my "tone" with them. My brother is 18 with an obvious drug problem, but my tone is the problem. FML

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By nomorexbox - United States

Today, I actually heard my 14 year old son muse to himself, "If I can drive drunk in Grand Theft Auto, how hard could it be in real life?" FML

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By raidered - United States

Today, my three year old nephew was pointing at the TV screen and saying "Uncle, Uncle!" He thought it was me on the screen. It was Rosie O'Donnell. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada - Dartmouth

Today, my boyfriend informed me of how I had really hurt his feelings. Apparently, not wanting to be sent a photo of his poop is hurtful. FML

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By hcditfi5foygy

Today, I learned that my new neighbour's car alarm goes off every time a car drives by blasting loud bass. So far, it's gone off 6 times in the last hour. I can't wait until he's done moving in here, where he and his car will stay for the next year. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my boyfriend looked at me and suggestively told me to take a shower. He's leaving for two days so I humored him, thinking he wanted to do it in the shower. I waited for 20 minutes before he knocked on the door, telling me he needed to shower as well. He just wanted me to take a shower. FML

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By Katsura - United States - Perrysburg

Today, my boyfriend wanted to get into an open relationship. He has no romantic feelings for me anymore, but he didn't want to separate from my cat. FML

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By lol - 28/10/2020 09:57

Waze?

Today, while working as an Uber driver, I asked my passenger for directions and she didn’t know. She was going to her own house. FML

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By Anonymous

Wrong place, right time

Today, I stopped to gas up. The pump wasn't taking my BP rewards card, and it said to go see the cashier. I went in to ask what's up, where the cashier politely pointed out that I was in a Shell gas station, not a BP. FML

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By Jamie - United States

Today, my boyfriend and I were having phone sex when he stopped responding. Five minutes later and ready to hang up, he apologized because he got distracted with his game of Tetris. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Port Townsend

Today, my 27 year old boyfriend chose playing with Lego over making sweet love to me. FML

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By Unculturedsimp - 19/5/2020 17:00

Baby daddy

Today, my girlfriend of a year broke up with me because I got her pregnant and didn't own up to it. I wouldn't have blamed her if it didn't actually happen in her dream. FML

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By Anonymous - 22/10/2020 21:08 - Israel - Tel Aviv

The Final Countdown

Today, I found out that I have three weeks to get better at my shitty job before we start discussing my "future" with the company. FML

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By mee - 24/11/2020 08:02

Knock off

Today, I overheard my six year-old step-son playing with his sister and cousin. His sister was the baby, cousin the step-dad, and he got to be “the best one” because he was the "real dad." FML

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By McChunky =( - United States

Today, I was with my family at a buffet getting dessert. As I had my chocolate cake in hand, I grabbed an extra slice of cheesecake for my mom because I knew she would like a slice. Upon returning to my table, a couple walking behind me commented, "See, that's why Americans are so obese." FML

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By no more tp

Today, I ran out of toilet paper in the bathroom. I was forced to use tissues to do the job. As if that wasn't bad enough, the sanitizer in the tissues gave me a rash that made me have to stand up frequently in the lecture hall. Several people asked if I had Tourette's. FML

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By SlappyMcGee - United States

Today, I was talking to a hot girl at the bus stop. She seemed interested in me and I was feeling a connection forming. When the bus came, I offered to let her board first, but she said it "wasn't her bus" and said goodbye. Later, I realized I'd spent 20 minutes making moves on a prostitute. FML

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By couchsurfer - Canada - Toronto

Today, I finally convinced my girlfriend to allow the cats to sleep with us on the bed. As we started to cuddle, one of the cats pissed right in between us. We are sleeping on the couch until the baking soda absorbs the smell in the mattress. I'll be sleeping there longer than that. FML

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By Anonymous - France

Today, my boyfriend thought it would be sexy to pick me up and throw me on the bed. I rolled off and broke my collarbone. FML

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By SaMike - United States

Today, I took my girlfriend to the movies. She's pretty conservative and I decided after four dates to give her her first ever kiss. As I leaned in she violently sneezed and hit me in the nose with the hand she brought up to cover her face. I broke my nose and got blood down her cleavage. FML

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By mistickfae - United States

Today, I was complimented for having amazingly lifelike warts as part of my witch costume, and was asked how I achieved the effect so well. I didn't have the heart to admit they were just my pimples under green makeup. FML

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By youaresodumb - United States

Routine

Today, I was having sex with my girlfriend. I finished too quickly and apologized. She said she was used to it by now. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Worcester

Today, I finally had sex after a year-long dry spell. It caused an ovarian cyst to rupture and ended up with me in the ER. I'm afraid to ever have sex again. FML

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By Andrew - Canada

Today, there was a meeting at work. I had to give a presentation to my boss and the other attendants. My first subject was on how my 5 year old son got to my briefcase and replaced the contents of it with crayons and a stuffed teddy bear. FML

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By monsterinlaw - United States - Columbus

Today, I found out that even after three years, my boyfriend's mother replies, "Unfortunately" when asked if we are still together. FML

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By hwood - United States

Today, my Grandmother was sent to the ER. My family blamed it on her being allergic to my cats, making me feel guilty. She just called me to tell me the test results informed her that she is actually allergic to the carrot cake they got her. I gave my cats away 15 minutes ago to a little girl. FML

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By dormlyfe - United States - Moraga

Today, I met new people at my dorm, only to find they already knew me because they listen to my boyfriend and me have sex all the time. FML

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By what - United States - Livermore

Today, the man who stole my laptop at the train station yesterday used the contact information I had written on it to call me and ask for the password. FML

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By icybrent94 - United Kingdom - Arlesey

Today, I decided to have some fun by joining a Harry Potter forum and making a thread saying it's all for little kids. When I checked back later, my post had been edited into me tearfully coming out of the closet, and some guy had said he'd passed my details on to Anonymous. FML

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By hairy - Serbia

Today, my boyfriend dumped me. Apparently my nose hair scares him. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Acton

Today, I found out I'm pregnant. Yesterday, I finally came to my senses and started using birth control. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, while I was on the bus, my foot fell asleep. When we arrived at my stop, I stood up and limped to the front of the bus. As I walked down the steps, I tripped, fell, and smashed my nose into the ground. The driver just laughed and drove away. FML

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By drano - United States

Today, I was working as a cashier at my job. A guy came up with a cart full of stuff and it took me 10 minutes to ring it all up. When I told him his total, he felt his pockets, said "Oh shit I forgot my wallet!" and walked away. He left about 15 bags worth of things for me to put back. FML

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Top comments

By mpj13 | 8

#4261802 - Thursday 5 April 2012 8:06

You don't hit those kind of balls in pool

By kymidwest | 0

#4261796 - Thursday 5 April 2012 8:05

Rack em' ;)

COMMENTS

By kymidwest | 0

#4261796 - Thursday 5 April 2012 8:05

Rack em' ;)

Reply

kelissa_fml | 16

#4261832 - Thursday 5 April 2012 8:11

Another comparison to snow-globes??

Reply

IAdminIFlow | 0

#4262036 - Thursday 5 April 2012 9:08

ur like haha u litlle bastar..... ouch what the fu... oh shit.

Reply

Rhysviri | 10

#4262130 - Thursday 5 April 2012 9:57

You should have whacked the cicada with your balls instead. Y'know? (;

Reply

shanemaximo | 7

#4262134 - Thursday 5 April 2012 9:59

Scratch. Ball in hand.

Reply

ShyAnn29 | 14

#4262175 - Thursday 5 April 2012 10:16

I've never heard of them referred to snow globes before

Reply

K_kanaka | 26

#4262305 - Thursday 5 April 2012 12:07

A man should always protect their face but more importantly they should always be careful of their ahem "snow globes"

Reply

deviable | 9

#4262312 - Thursday 5 April 2012 12:13

Calling them snow globes makes
me think you have dandruff down there.

Reply

thiscrazything | 1

#4262317 - Thursday 5 April 2012 12:17

OP was blackballed by his own stick.

Reply

Uraharas_Bankai | 1

#4262394 - Thursday 5 April 2012 13:34

Did the snowglobes break!?

Reply

krash357_fml | 7

#4262436 - Thursday 5 April 2012 13:54

Double K.O!! Draw!

Reply

idkhaha | 4

#4262774 - Thursday 5 April 2012 15:25

Who calls them snow globes???

Reply

blackheart24 | 10

#4262810 - Thursday 5 April 2012 15:36

Left nut. Corner pocket.

By ClaremoreZebra | 8

#4261800 - Thursday 5 April 2012 8:05

Ouch, I'm sorry man. I don't know what else to say but ice it!

Reply

yahoowizard | 16

#4262291 - Thursday 5 April 2012 11:42

Haha, he can't have swung that hard. Just man up and keep playing

Reply

ladyLALAA | 28

#4262643 - Thursday 5 April 2012 14:43

Will ice help snow globes?

Reply

ClaremoreZebra | 8

#4284285 - Tuesday 10 April 2012 10:51

Yeah, but you the ice pack in a hand towel. Works like a charm.

By mpj13 | 8

#4261802 - Thursday 5 April 2012 8:06

You don't hit those kind of balls in pool

Reply

THE_A_TEEN | 27

#4261840 - Thursday 5 April 2012 8:12

You don't? Damn, I thought that's how you play pool in the nude.

Well I was wrong.

Reply

the17doctor | 12

#4262310 - Thursday 5 April 2012 12:11

that's why you don't get invited to nudist games of pool

Reply

jujubunni5 | 9

#4262492 - Thursday 5 April 2012 14:15

Clever (:

Reply

myFMLname | 8

#4262750 - Thursday 5 April 2012 15:10

would've been even more clever if OP said 8-balls

Reply

Azula272 | 14

#4263438 - Thursday 5 April 2012 19:58

Double K.O. Fatality!

By shadow123456789 | 0

#4261806 - Thursday 5 April 2012 8:07

Ouch.

Reply

shadow123456789 | 0

#4262009 - Thursday 5 April 2012 8:56

I hope you didn't swing to hard. It hurts to even think about.

Reply

btnhdude | 0

#4262232 - Thursday 5 April 2012 10:39

My pouch.

Reply

peasonearth | 8

#4263014 - Thursday 5 April 2012 16:58

Again with the 'snow-globes'

By chilearmy123 | 4

#4261807 - Thursday 5 April 2012 8:07

What are snow globes?

Reply

THE_A_TEEN | 27

#4261824 - Thursday 5 April 2012 8:10

Slang term for Testicles, I.e. Balls, I.e. Nutz, I.e. marbles, I.e. pebbles...you get my drift.

Reply

chilearmy123 | 4

#4261849 - Thursday 5 April 2012 8:13

Ohhhhh kk

Reply

Swedude | 5

#4262164 - Thursday 5 April 2012 10:11

Nonono, you got it all wrong. OP's father was a snowman.

Reply

KunoKanashimi | 3

#4262364 - Thursday 5 April 2012 13:03

In actual terms, rather than slang, snow globes are those glass balls that you shake up and it looksl ike snow is falling inside.

Then there's nads...You couldn't have figured this out on your own?

Reply

XtraEzeee | 8

#4262870 - Thursday 5 April 2012 16:00

Please, you're all wrong. OP brought his snow globe collection over to show his friend, and he accidentally knocked them over.

Reply

Unlucky_Gun | 0

#4263096 - Thursday 5 April 2012 17:37

Was his name frosty?

By chucklebary | 1

#4261813 - Thursday 5 April 2012 8:08

Nice

By kakarot2 | 11

#4261825 - Thursday 5 April 2012 8:10

Did it feel like Christmas?

Reply

ycrem0n | 21

#4261940 - Thursday 5 April 2012 8:29

Jingle balls, jingle balls, jingle all the way

Reply

Torva_fml | 16

#4262720 - Thursday 5 April 2012 14:56

Oh what fun it is to rii........ Oh.... Nevermind, you're probably still sore.

By DirtyMike911 | 0

#4261827 - Thursday 5 April 2012 8:11

Get the wife to kiss it better.

Reply

EduJav321 | 24

#4262569 - Thursday 5 April 2012 14:29

Or something similar

By EatMare | 8

#4261837 - Thursday 5 April 2012 8:11

wouldn't been easier with a shoe?

Reply

jtthegr8 | 26

#4261996 - Thursday 5 April 2012 8:44

He was trying to multi task, maybe his balls had an itch?

Reply

auzz1_pride | 9

#4262121 - Thursday 5 April 2012 9:54

Maybe he had no shoes on :O

By sikmunkee | 9

#4261845 - Thursday 5 April 2012 8:13

so close.