Today, my wife and I went to our friend's house to play some... - FML

By Chris - 5/4/2012 02:50 - United States - House Springs

Today, my wife and I went to our friend's house to play some pool. While playing, a Cicada started to fly towards my face, so I flipped my pool stick over and swatted at it with the fat end of the stick. I hit the bug. However, with the skinny side I hit myself in the snow-globes. FML

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Nice neighborhood

Live dumping

Everyone's an expert

By lurna301 - 17/7/2012 00:58 - United States - Glendale

Today, my boyfriend's mother introduced me as his "friend". We've been together for 10 years. FML

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By Shrek's Pubes - 22/5/2019 20:00

Today, I tried to dye my hair blonde. Turns out, green hair doesn't suit me. FML

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By working_as_usual - 8/10/2012 00:09 - United States - Valencia

Today, I was telling my co-workers about how I'd gotten tickets to a concert in a few days. My boss overheard. Later, he told me I now have to work on the night of the concert. However, he was kind enough to offer to buy the tickets off me for half of what I'd paid for them. FML

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By BobbyMalone - 17/1/2009 14:11 - Canada

Today, my mother asked a woman at the clothing store we go to all the time when her baby was due. Turns out the woman isn't pregnant. FML

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By Crazyyyymomentsss - 7/8/2009 15:31 - United States

Today, I found why exactly my clothes always seemed more stretched out after about a week of owning them. My mom steals and wears them when she goes clubbing. My mom is 46, twice my size, and gets out more than me. FML

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By :) - 22/4/2010 17:37 - Greece

Today, I was getting my portrait done. The artist told me to smile. He looked at me, then said, "Oh, don't smile." FML

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By Therunawaymoh - 11/10/2018 12:00

Today, my maid of honor and best friend of 10 years won't answer my texts and blocked me on social media. This is because last night she and my fiancé got into a huge drunken fight about who loved me more and she stormed off. I get married in 5 hours and I have no idea where she is. FML

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By Hypocrisy - 28/9/2011 22:16 - United States

Today, I was called a pervert. On a phone sex line. FML

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By Antoine Karam - 27/6/2019 04:30

Today, I was invited to an engagement. My crush is getting engaged next month to a man she told me she hated. FML

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By knockedup - 13/2/2011 10:00 - Australia

Today, I had to say a deep sincere speech on assembly in front of the whole college on the recent floods in Queensland. Instead of saying "We are Queenslanders, when we get knocked down, we get back up" I stumbled and said "We are Queenslanders, when we get knocked up..." FML

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By Anonymous - 9/7/2012 20:15 - Canada

Today, my mother was leaving the house to attend her sister's funeral. Just as she was walking out the door, my brain experienced the most horrific shart imaginable, and I uttered through my reassuring smile, "Have a blast." FML

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By pistonsunshine - 10/10/2009 18:06 - United States

Today, I took a girl out I've been seeing for two months on our first real date. I had saved all my money for the week for this. I took her to a beautiful restaurant uptown. She got hammered, hit me and screamed that I would never be as good as "Marshall." FML

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By Anonymous - 27/5/2020 20:00

"Now, I ain't sayin' she a gold digger…"

Today, my wife wants a divorce. Apparently, she only married me for my potential, since my twin brother is a lawyer, she hoped I’d become a success as well, but since I’m content to be a carpenter, she considers me a disappointment and a failure. FML

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By Anonymous - 27/11/2015 15:52 - United States - Westerville

Today, after many years of being single, I finally worked up the courage to ask my coworker out. He said no and gave me "fair warning" that he's going to report me for sexual harassment. FML

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By thanksbro - 28/9/2009 00:10 - United States

Today, I came home from school and ran to the nearest bathroom to go #2. In my hurry, I forgot to shut the door so I asked my older brother who was walking by to close it for me. After a while he didn't respond, so I looked up to see not my brother, but his best friend watching me take a crap. FML

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By thisrllysucks - 5/9/2009 14:16 - United States

Today, I was going to ask this girl I love to homecoming. I set up a scavenger hunt, and my friend led her through it. At the end of the scavenger hunt I had a note that said, "Homecoming?" She said yes and hugged my friend. When I told her it was me who was asking, she laughed and said no. FML

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By Anonymous - 2/12/2010 00:36 - United States

Today, my fencing team took pictures for the yearbook. We were having individual pictures with our weapons, and it was my turn. When the photographer told me to pose, I tried to be super cool by quickly putting my sabre against my chest like some sort of soldier. I poked myself in the eye. FML

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By Anonymous - 3/12/2013 14:04 - Canada - Kitchener

Today, I found out that if you accidentally step on your boss's dog's tail, yes, you can get fired. But not because you stepped on the dog's tail. You didn't say sorry. FML

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By tylerlove361 - 11/2/2009 05:30 - United States

Today, I cut myself with child-proof scissors. FML

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By Miss_Kristen - 26/2/2012 15:31 - United States

Today, an African-American family came into the restaurant at which I work. They said, "Jackson, party of 5." After I laughed, I realized they were serious. FML

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By WorkerBee - 17/3/2019 02:00

Today, I found out I didn't get accepted into a program I was nominated to attend at work that all other applicants with less experience than myself did. I found out when they asked if I had gotten the acceptance email. They didn't even bother telling me I was rejected. FML

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By sensativenose - 19/9/2009 06:35 - United States

Today, I went on a date with the girl I like to a skating rink. On the ride home she put her arm around me. Her armpits stank and I smelt them the whole hour and a half drive. FML

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By Anonymous - 5/4/2017 16:00

Today, I found my dad smoking the weed he grounded me for having. FML

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By paidback - 25/12/2009 01:10 - United States

Rejection erection

Today, I rejected my wife for sex. She then started to masturbate next to me. I got an erection. She then rejected me for sex. FML

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By holymoly - 5/9/2012 06:12 - Canada - Calgary

Today, my grandparents took me out for dinner for my birthday. After singing, "Happy birthday dear..." they froze. I had to say my own name because they'd forgotten it. FML

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By BluesMan1990 - 16/9/2009 10:21 - United States

Today, I was giving a speech to my 300 some-odd person class. All throughout it, people had been giggling and cackling while I was speaking. I soon realized that my pants had been unzipped. I accidentally fell asleep with all my underwear in the washer last night and had gone commando that day. FML

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By CARnage - 21/5/2010 10:11 - Australia

Today, I hadn't been out in two weeks, and I was looking forward to going to the beach with my friends. Instead, I rear-ended someone at a roundabout and had to go home. FML

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By ModernDayMaid - 25/3/2019 22:00

Today was just like any other normal day. Spent the day cleaning the house from top to bottom. I felt great until I went into just about every room I’d cleaned and saw that it was messed up again with zero attempts from my stepdaughter to clean it back up. I really hate preteens. FML

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By trashcanned - 6/4/2009 11:47 - United States

Today, it was really windy and rainy causing me to trip and knock into a little kid. While still gathering myself, I apologized and patted the kid on its' head. Then I see people around me starting to laugh. I turn and look at the kid, and discover I've been interacting with a trash can. FML

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By even axe would smell better - 4/2/2014 18:55 - United Kingdom - Aylesbury

Today, a kid in class kept chatting to his friend, and was made to swap seats. Every time the guy he swapped with moved, the stench from his armpits wafted over. It smelled like nacho cheese crossed with ball sweat. It got so bad that I eventually had to go dry heave in the toilets. FML

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By xxxkkxxx - 29/7/2011 15:37 - Hong Kong

Today, my parents took me on a plane ride for a vacation in Hong Kong. What they didn't tell me was that the "vacation" is extended for three years. FML

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By nurse - 13/9/2019 02:01 - Norway

Boing!

Today, I was giving a patient an injection when I heard a cracking sound and the needle was gone. Panicking, I got a doctor to have a look. The patient was sent to have x-rays to find the needle in her thigh. I then noticed the springback system in the syringe. FML

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By Jack - 26/10/2009 06:32 - United States

Today, I was in minding my own business in bed in my dorm room. It was dark and my roommate came over, intending to slap my ass really hard. The problem is, I was lying face up. FML

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By bex - 7/1/2009 15:42 - United States

Today, I went out to lunch with two friends from high school. We saw a girl that we graduated with at the restaurant. The girl gave both of them hugs and introduced herself to me. FML

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By Victoria - 18/9/2019 06:00 - Australia - Perth

My name is?

Today, while interviewing for a job, I was greeted by the interviewer with a handshake and a greeting of, "Hello Victoria, my name is Bill." I responded with, "Hello. My name is Bill." I think it's safe to assume I didn't get the job. FML

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By indian:( - 18/1/2009 21:57 - United States

Today, I realized that I hate lying to my mom about having a boyfriend. FML

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By coltsfoot - 23/5/2010 09:08 - Norway

Today, while having sex with the guy I have seen for about 3 years, he answered the phone. I found out that he had a girlfriend while he was inside me. FML

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By rink.attendant.6 - 21/6/2012 15:40 - Canada - Dryden

Today, I saw my crush working the only open till at the grocery store. When she saw me approach her queue, she immediately called for more cashiers. FML

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By Jennagirl - 12/10/2009 14:03 - Australia

Today, after spending the night at my boyfriend's house, I was heading out the door when he called me back to hand me something I had left at his house a while ago. It was one of my bras. It wasn't until I got home I noticed the cup size was a B. I'm a size D. FML

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By Bigfoot - 2/9/2017 01:30

Today, I participated in an obstacle course. As I was going over a set of monkey bars, my balls got crushed between the bar and my gut. I barely managed to get down before blacking out in the middle of the road. FML

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Top comments

By mpj13 | 8

#4261802 - Thursday 5 April 2012 8:06

You don't hit those kind of balls in pool

By kymidwest | 0

#4261796 - Thursday 5 April 2012 8:05

Rack em' ;)

COMMENTS

By kymidwest | 0

#4261796 - Thursday 5 April 2012 8:05

Rack em' ;)

Reply

kelissa_fml | 16

#4261832 - Thursday 5 April 2012 8:11

Another comparison to snow-globes??

Reply

IAdminIFlow | 0

#4262036 - Thursday 5 April 2012 9:08

ur like haha u litlle bastar..... ouch what the fu... oh shit.

Reply

Rhysviri | 10

#4262130 - Thursday 5 April 2012 9:57

You should have whacked the cicada with your balls instead. Y'know? (;

Reply

shanemaximo | 7

#4262134 - Thursday 5 April 2012 9:59

Scratch. Ball in hand.

Reply

ShyAnn29 | 14

#4262175 - Thursday 5 April 2012 10:16

I've never heard of them referred to snow globes before

Reply

K_kanaka | 26

#4262305 - Thursday 5 April 2012 12:07

A man should always protect their face but more importantly they should always be careful of their ahem "snow globes"

Reply

deviable | 9

#4262312 - Thursday 5 April 2012 12:13

Calling them snow globes makes
me think you have dandruff down there.

Reply

thiscrazything | 1

#4262317 - Thursday 5 April 2012 12:17

OP was blackballed by his own stick.

Reply

Uraharas_Bankai | 1

#4262394 - Thursday 5 April 2012 13:34

Did the snowglobes break!?

Reply

krash357_fml | 7

#4262436 - Thursday 5 April 2012 13:54

Double K.O!! Draw!

Reply

idkhaha | 4

#4262774 - Thursday 5 April 2012 15:25

Who calls them snow globes???

Reply

blackheart24 | 10

#4262810 - Thursday 5 April 2012 15:36

Left nut. Corner pocket.

By ClaremoreZebra | 8

#4261800 - Thursday 5 April 2012 8:05

Ouch, I'm sorry man. I don't know what else to say but ice it!

Reply

yahoowizard | 16

#4262291 - Thursday 5 April 2012 11:42

Haha, he can't have swung that hard. Just man up and keep playing

Reply

ladyLALAA | 28

#4262643 - Thursday 5 April 2012 14:43

Will ice help snow globes?

Reply

ClaremoreZebra | 8

#4284285 - Tuesday 10 April 2012 10:51

Yeah, but you the ice pack in a hand towel. Works like a charm.

By mpj13 | 8

#4261802 - Thursday 5 April 2012 8:06

You don't hit those kind of balls in pool

Reply

THE_A_TEEN | 27

#4261840 - Thursday 5 April 2012 8:12

You don't? Damn, I thought that's how you play pool in the nude.

Well I was wrong.

Reply

the17doctor | 12

#4262310 - Thursday 5 April 2012 12:11

that's why you don't get invited to nudist games of pool

Reply

jujubunni5 | 9

#4262492 - Thursday 5 April 2012 14:15

Clever (:

Reply

myFMLname | 8

#4262750 - Thursday 5 April 2012 15:10

would've been even more clever if OP said 8-balls

Reply

Azula272 | 14

#4263438 - Thursday 5 April 2012 19:58

Double K.O. Fatality!

By shadow123456789 | 0

#4261806 - Thursday 5 April 2012 8:07

Ouch.

Reply

shadow123456789 | 0

#4262009 - Thursday 5 April 2012 8:56

I hope you didn't swing to hard. It hurts to even think about.

Reply

btnhdude | 0

#4262232 - Thursday 5 April 2012 10:39

My pouch.

Reply

peasonearth | 8

#4263014 - Thursday 5 April 2012 16:58

Again with the 'snow-globes'

By chilearmy123 | 4

#4261807 - Thursday 5 April 2012 8:07

What are snow globes?

Reply

THE_A_TEEN | 27

#4261824 - Thursday 5 April 2012 8:10

Slang term for Testicles, I.e. Balls, I.e. Nutz, I.e. marbles, I.e. pebbles...you get my drift.

Reply

chilearmy123 | 4

#4261849 - Thursday 5 April 2012 8:13

Ohhhhh kk

Reply

Swedude | 5

#4262164 - Thursday 5 April 2012 10:11

Nonono, you got it all wrong. OP's father was a snowman.

Reply

KunoKanashimi | 3

#4262364 - Thursday 5 April 2012 13:03

In actual terms, rather than slang, snow globes are those glass balls that you shake up and it looksl ike snow is falling inside.

Then there's nads...You couldn't have figured this out on your own?

Reply

XtraEzeee | 8

#4262870 - Thursday 5 April 2012 16:00

Please, you're all wrong. OP brought his snow globe collection over to show his friend, and he accidentally knocked them over.

Reply

Unlucky_Gun | 0

#4263096 - Thursday 5 April 2012 17:37

Was his name frosty?

By chucklebary | 1

#4261813 - Thursday 5 April 2012 8:08

Nice

By kakarot2 | 11

#4261825 - Thursday 5 April 2012 8:10

Did it feel like Christmas?

Reply

ycrem0n | 20

#4261940 - Thursday 5 April 2012 8:29

Jingle balls, jingle balls, jingle all the way

Reply

Torva_fml | 16

#4262720 - Thursday 5 April 2012 14:56

Oh what fun it is to rii........ Oh.... Nevermind, you're probably still sore.

By DirtyMike911 | 0

#4261827 - Thursday 5 April 2012 8:11

Get the wife to kiss it better.

Reply

EduJav321 | 24

#4262569 - Thursday 5 April 2012 14:29

Or something similar

By EatMare | 8

#4261837 - Thursday 5 April 2012 8:11

wouldn't been easier with a shoe?

Reply

jtthegr8 | 26

#4261996 - Thursday 5 April 2012 8:44

He was trying to multi task, maybe his balls had an itch?

Reply

auzz1_pride | 9

#4262121 - Thursday 5 April 2012 9:54

Maybe he had no shoes on :O

By sikmunkee | 9

#4261845 - Thursday 5 April 2012 8:13

so close.