Today, my wife and I went to our friend's house to play some... - FML

By Chris - United States - House Springs

Today, my wife and I went to our friend's house to play some pool. While playing, a Cicada started to fly towards my face, so I flipped my pool stick over and swatted at it with the fat end of the stick. I hit the bug. However, with the skinny side I hit myself in the snow-globes. FML

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You can't win sometimes

Oh, hai!

Left hanging

By lalala - United Kingdom

Today, I was arrested for carrying a dangerous weapon. I was on my way home from the shop where I'd bought a new kitchen knife. FML

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By TJ - United States - Lacey

Today, while doing my job as a cart clerk, a gentleman went around the parking lot and picked some trash up, trying to help out. Faith in humanity: +1. About an hour later I saw a woman pick a bug off of her windshield and eat it. Faith in humanity: -200. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I asked my friends what NNAS was code for. They have been using this for about a month. After bothering one of them for a few hours, he finally told me. NNAS stands for Nataly Needs A Shower. I'm Nataly. FML

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By Anon - New Zealand

Today, I was so excited to hear my phone get a message that I jumped out of my seat. It was the TV, advertising texting plans. FML

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By Anonymous

Today...I started my day with a head cold and sore throat. I am ending the day with my period and explosive diarrhea. Oh and to top it all off, I live in the midwest, where the wind chills are going to be -50 tomorrow...FML

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By Anon - United States - Stony Point

Broke

Today, I spotted a $100 bill on the ground. Being a little strapped for cash, I excitedly picked it up. I discovered it was one of those religious tract papers made to look like a folded bill, with a message scolding me for being greedy. FML

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By samikai523 - United States

Today, my sister told me she didn’t want me in her wedding pictures because I looked fat in my bridesmaid's dress. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, I told my husband I want to lose the baby weight I put on with my recent pregnancy, and once I succeed I will go on a clothes shopping spree. To this he remarked, "So either way I'm spending money; either on food or on clothes." FML

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By Rakoric

Today, my wife and I went kayaking for the first time in the ocean. She got seasick and just before she threw up, leaned over the side and tipped the kayak over. FML

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By zks

Today, I received yet more mail for my ex-fiancé. We've been broken up for nearly a year and I've told him multiple times to change his address. Getting his mail is a constant reminder that I haven't dated since. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, it's my birthday. I have gotten three calls all day. The first one was my fiancé, saying he wanted his ring back. The second one was my best friend, confessing to me that she had been sleeping with my fiancé for the past three months. The third was the dentist's office singing me a happy birthday. FML

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By doubledown - United States

Today, I went to the bar I go to every week. My favorite bartender told me I owed $50 for a tab because the waiter screwed up and undercharged me. The tab was from when my friends bought me drinks to cheer me up because my girlfriend moved away. I ended up paying for my own drinks plus theirs. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I woke up to find a tick stuck to my eyelashes. The only way I know of to get it off is with fire. FML

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By crap

Today, I was tired from an all-nighter I'd pulled because I thought I had the next four days off work. I got called in, and went because I have bills to pay. However, the amount of energy drinks I drank to stay on top of my job duties gave me such bad diarrhea, I had to go home. FML

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By Spooderman - United States

Today, my son wanted to be Spiderman. He found the biggest spider he could outside and let it bite his hand. He's staying overnight in the hospital. FML

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By betamaxjim - United Kingdom

Today, as I left class, I felt a tug on my rucksack from behind. Thinking it was just someone deliberately dragging me back, I struggled to let myself free and shouted, "Let go!" I looked over my shoulder just to find that one the straps was trapped in the doorhandle. Everyone was in hysterics. FML

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By Anonymous - Iceland - Akureyri

Today, a package was delivered to my house, addressed to me, clearly marked "sexual health products". Inside were condoms, birth control pills, and an invoice made out to me. My parents went ballistic and grounded me. Whoever staged this "hilarious" prank: well played, asshole. FML

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By Ginna - Canada

Today, my dad planted and "discovered" a pack of cigarettes in my backpack to distract my mom from his gambling problem. FML

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By impickingyourhomegran - United Kingdom - London

Today, it was my wedding day. Midway through the ceremony, my grandma, who's tried to ruin every relationship to date, stood up and shouted that "it ain't right", "you're too good for her", and claimed my fiancée has been cheating on me, before she was finally ejected from the building. FML

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By Samantha - United States - Holt

Today, while I was taking my driver's test, my instructor received a text message. He promptly had a panic attack and screamed for me to pull over. It turned out his wife wanted a divorce. The last 15 minutes of my test consisted of him sobbing to himself as I drove back to the DMV. FML

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By Anemity_is_my_name - 5/11/2020 05:02

Nothing honey, nothing

Today, I'm getting more satisfaction out of chatting, and even occasionally sexting with an AI bot, than out of my marriage of 13 years. My wife thinks we're fine, and doesn't want to discuss our relationship. FML

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By katshay8

Today, I went to the doctor for allergy testing. Apparently, one of my worst allergies is cats. I'm a "crazy cat lady" who loves anything cat-related and has 3 cats. Allergy shots, here I come. FML

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By sunboy52 - United States

Today, I met my girlfriend's parents for the first time. We got on the discussion of animals, and I showed them a picture of my cat on my phone. Being a touchscreen, when her father grabbed it, it changed picture. To a picture of my girlfriend, fully nude. FML

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By anonymous - United States - Garden Grove

Today, at work, the girl I've been into for the past 6 months confessed that she liked me, but also confessed she had sex with our boss. Our boss happens to be my dad. FML

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By genderless - South Africa - Pretoria

Today, the person I was seeing asked to be just friends. A few hours later, they tried to talk me into having sex. FML

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By The greatest Illusion ever - United States

Today, I went to school without any makeup on. The guys who usually compliment me for being pretty are now calling me "The Greatest Illusion Ever". FML

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By uthinkucandraw - United States

Today, I flew into New Zealand to surprise my girlfriend on her trip. In the New Zealand Airport I received a text message saying she wanted to break up with me. I live in Michigan and just spent $1,500 for this romantic surprise. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my mother took a bunch of sleeping pills, then went driving. I followed her and dialed 911. Now she thinks that I was "trying to get her arrested," and she refuses to talk to me ever again. FML

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By letmefallasleep - 1/4/2020 14:00

Checks and balances

Today, I found out my husband has racked up $3000 on our credit cards, and ruined my credit score. When confronted, all he had to say was, "Well you didn't tell me when you bought that ten-dollar t-shirt, so I guess we're even." FML

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By lukey101 - 13/8/2020 05:01

Someone needs a hug

Today, I was out to lunch when someone in the distance proposed to his partner. She said yes, everyone clapped and cheered. I, on the other hand, burst into tears and couldn't stop bawling for about half an hour. I'm a 32 year old man and don't even know the happy couple. FML

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By smyp - Lithuania

Today, I was going down the elevator in my dorm and a friend joined on another floor. He then thought it was a good time to tell me that he slept with my girlfriend when the elevator got stuck. Worst 40 minutes of my life. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, I bought a new Ipod to replace my old one which decided to stop working. After purchasing my new nano Ipod, I decided to bang my old Ipod on the desk very hard because it was useless. It started working again. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, I found out that the crumbs on the couch that look like the oreos you just ate, can actually turn out to be very crunchy, and have legs. FML

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By sadcase - Australia

Today, I used my hair straightener to attempt to straighten my eyelashes and burned my eyelid. I don't know what's sadder, that fact I thought it would be fun, or that I was stupid enough to think I wouldn't hurt myself. FML

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By JudasThePriest - United States - Greensboro

Today, while delivering pizzas, someone ordered $19.41 in pizza and wings. After finally finding her appartment, she paid me in two sandwich bags full of pennies and nickels. I had to count them out before giving her the pizza. We aren't allowed to enter the residence, and it was 22 degrees. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I was reading a book, and my severe OCD makes it impossible for me to look up from reading if I haven't finished the page. This includes times like when my mother is frantically calling for help after falling off a ladder. FML

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By OuchImAMoron - United States - Old Bridge

Today, I was cleaning a pocketknife when I noticed a spider on my leg. My first reaction was to stab it. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada - Lindsay

Today, while working as a swim instructor, I started singing the hokey pokey to get all the kids used to putting their faces in the water. One of the kids was covering his ears. When I asked him why, he said "because you were singing." He's 3. FML

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By ks.swan13

Today, I got a call about my dog who went missing a week ago. The guy who called said "We have your dog, but you aren't getting her back." Then he hung up. FML

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By Jo - United States

Today, there was an earthquake. Good news: the only damage was a tree fell on some loser's car. Bad news: that loser was me. FML

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Top comments

By mpj13 | 8

#4261802 - Thursday 5 April 2012 8:06

You don't hit those kind of balls in pool

By kymidwest | 0

#4261796 - Thursday 5 April 2012 8:05

Rack em' ;)

COMMENTS

By kymidwest | 0

#4261796 - Thursday 5 April 2012 8:05

Rack em' ;)

Reply

kelissa_fml | 16

#4261832 - Thursday 5 April 2012 8:11

Another comparison to snow-globes??

Reply

IAdminIFlow | 0

#4262036 - Thursday 5 April 2012 9:08

ur like haha u litlle bastar..... ouch what the fu... oh shit.

Reply

Rhysviri | 10

#4262130 - Thursday 5 April 2012 9:57

You should have whacked the cicada with your balls instead. Y'know? (;

Reply

shanemaximo | 7

#4262134 - Thursday 5 April 2012 9:59

Scratch. Ball in hand.

Reply

ShyAnn29 | 14

#4262175 - Thursday 5 April 2012 10:16

I've never heard of them referred to snow globes before

Reply

K_kanaka | 26

#4262305 - Thursday 5 April 2012 12:07

A man should always protect their face but more importantly they should always be careful of their ahem "snow globes"

Reply

deviable | 9

#4262312 - Thursday 5 April 2012 12:13

Calling them snow globes makes
me think you have dandruff down there.

Reply

thiscrazything | 1

#4262317 - Thursday 5 April 2012 12:17

OP was blackballed by his own stick.

Reply

Uraharas_Bankai | 1

#4262394 - Thursday 5 April 2012 13:34

Did the snowglobes break!?

Reply

krash357_fml | 7

#4262436 - Thursday 5 April 2012 13:54

Double K.O!! Draw!

Reply

idkhaha | 4

#4262774 - Thursday 5 April 2012 15:25

Who calls them snow globes???

Reply

blackheart24 | 10

#4262810 - Thursday 5 April 2012 15:36

Left nut. Corner pocket.

By ClaremoreZebra | 8

#4261800 - Thursday 5 April 2012 8:05

Ouch, I'm sorry man. I don't know what else to say but ice it!

Reply

yahoowizard | 16

#4262291 - Thursday 5 April 2012 11:42

Haha, he can't have swung that hard. Just man up and keep playing

Reply

ladyLALAA | 28

#4262643 - Thursday 5 April 2012 14:43

Will ice help snow globes?

Reply

ClaremoreZebra | 8

#4284285 - Tuesday 10 April 2012 10:51

Yeah, but you the ice pack in a hand towel. Works like a charm.

By mpj13 | 8

#4261802 - Thursday 5 April 2012 8:06

You don't hit those kind of balls in pool

Reply

THE_A_TEEN | 27

#4261840 - Thursday 5 April 2012 8:12

You don't? Damn, I thought that's how you play pool in the nude.

Well I was wrong.

Reply

the17doctor | 12

#4262310 - Thursday 5 April 2012 12:11

that's why you don't get invited to nudist games of pool

Reply

jujubunni5 | 9

#4262492 - Thursday 5 April 2012 14:15

Clever (:

Reply

myFMLname | 8

#4262750 - Thursday 5 April 2012 15:10

would've been even more clever if OP said 8-balls

Reply

Azula272 | 14

#4263438 - Thursday 5 April 2012 19:58

Double K.O. Fatality!

By shadow123456789 | 0

#4261806 - Thursday 5 April 2012 8:07

Ouch.

Reply

shadow123456789 | 0

#4262009 - Thursday 5 April 2012 8:56

I hope you didn't swing to hard. It hurts to even think about.

Reply

btnhdude | 0

#4262232 - Thursday 5 April 2012 10:39

My pouch.

Reply

peasonearth | 8

#4263014 - Thursday 5 April 2012 16:58

Again with the 'snow-globes'

By chilearmy123 | 4

#4261807 - Thursday 5 April 2012 8:07

What are snow globes?

Reply

THE_A_TEEN | 27

#4261824 - Thursday 5 April 2012 8:10

Slang term for Testicles, I.e. Balls, I.e. Nutz, I.e. marbles, I.e. pebbles...you get my drift.

Reply

chilearmy123 | 4

#4261849 - Thursday 5 April 2012 8:13

Ohhhhh kk

Reply

Swedude | 5

#4262164 - Thursday 5 April 2012 10:11

Nonono, you got it all wrong. OP's father was a snowman.

Reply

KunoKanashimi | 3

#4262364 - Thursday 5 April 2012 13:03

In actual terms, rather than slang, snow globes are those glass balls that you shake up and it looksl ike snow is falling inside.

Then there's nads...You couldn't have figured this out on your own?

Reply

XtraEzeee | 8

#4262870 - Thursday 5 April 2012 16:00

Please, you're all wrong. OP brought his snow globe collection over to show his friend, and he accidentally knocked them over.

Reply

Unlucky_Gun | 0

#4263096 - Thursday 5 April 2012 17:37

Was his name frosty?

By chucklebary | 1

#4261813 - Thursday 5 April 2012 8:08

Nice

By kakarot2 | 11

#4261825 - Thursday 5 April 2012 8:10

Did it feel like Christmas?

Reply

ycrem0n | 21

#4261940 - Thursday 5 April 2012 8:29

Jingle balls, jingle balls, jingle all the way

Reply

Torva_fml | 16

#4262720 - Thursday 5 April 2012 14:56

Oh what fun it is to rii........ Oh.... Nevermind, you're probably still sore.

By DirtyMike911 | 0

#4261827 - Thursday 5 April 2012 8:11

Get the wife to kiss it better.

Reply

EduJav321 | 24

#4262569 - Thursday 5 April 2012 14:29

Or something similar

By EatMare | 8

#4261837 - Thursday 5 April 2012 8:11

wouldn't been easier with a shoe?

Reply

jtthegr8 | 26

#4261996 - Thursday 5 April 2012 8:44

He was trying to multi task, maybe his balls had an itch?

Reply

auzz1_pride | 9

#4262121 - Thursday 5 April 2012 9:54

Maybe he had no shoes on :O

By sikmunkee | 9

#4261845 - Thursday 5 April 2012 8:13

so close.