Today, the only person to wish me a happy birthday was a survey... - FML

By Anonymous - 2/4/2012 02:33 - United States

Today, the only person to wish me a happy birthday was a survey website. I took their stupid survey out of appreciation. FML

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Night terrors

Don't you know that you're toxic?

Higher standards

By gleefan116 - 28/8/2010 00:18 - United States

Today, my girlfriend, who recently started French classes, and I were having sex. Knowing how whispering in my ear turns me on, she whispered something in French, and I came. Later I found out it meant something like, "You should lose a lot of weight." FML

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By bronco_lover89 - 22/5/2012 01:05 - United States - Essexville

Today, after months of using the empty driveway across the street from my house, a note was placed under my windshield wiper. It read, "Please stop parking in my driveway. P.S. You’re hot. Are you single?" FML

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By Anonymous - 30/4/2009 04:52 - United States

Today, my girlfriend bought this hot pink Chanel nail polish. Bored, she thought it would be funny to paint my nails. I finally gave in and let her paint my toe nails. After she left, my buddy calls to to see if I can give him a ride. I forgot I had a swim meet today. FML

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By Never Going Back To The Doctor - 4/7/2013 07:03 - United States

Today, at the doctor's, I had lots of papers to fill out so my boyfriend offered to help. We submitted them and the doctor called me a few minutes later. Under disorders my boyfriend had written, "Major cock craving disorder." The doctor couldn't stop giggling. FML

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By ljd09 - 4/11/2009 04:06 - United States

Today, I watched my car roll backwards on the freeway, while attached to the tow truck that I was sitting in. FML

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By thanks..? - 3/11/2018 17:30

Today, my dentist said I have a good tongue. That's the best compliment I've gotten in months. FML

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By Miserableperson - 18/3/2017 18:00

Today, I found out that we're supposed to get 3 feet of snow, and the person who plows our driveway is out of town. We're stranded on a huge hill. FML

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By LogicalMolly - 13/12/2011 05:16 - United States

Today, it's the last day of finals week. Unfortunately the only test I've passed this week is the pregnancy test I took during my lunch break in a Subway bathroom. FML

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By lk mm, n vwls - 11/1/2014 01:20 - United States - Mansfield Depot

Today, my boss hung a dartboard in his office. It has a printout of my employee photo taped to it. FML

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By xxmollyxx - 16/12/2010 11:54 - Sweden

Today, I dropped my remote behind the bed and went to reach for it. Instead of the remote, I grabbed hold of a rat carcass that must have got in when builders were working in my bathroom several weeks ago. FML

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By Avery - 24/3/2012 20:06 - United States - Los Angeles

Today, I realized I've been confusing scenes from The Lord of the Rings with American history. FML

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By Anonymous - 13/11/2018 13:30

Today, a few months after my son lost a canine tooth, he went to get a replacement fitted. He came home with his other canine tooth removed and both replaced by vampire fangs. Permanent vampire fangs in his mouth, where people can see them and judge me for being a bad parent. FML

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By superman_not - 10/6/2009 15:46 - United Kingdom

Today, I had to play the role of superman in a production on stage. They had to stuff my underwear because my 'thing' wasn't big enough. FML

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By Anonymous - 25/9/2019 18:00 - United States

The one that got away

Today, the only person who remembered my birthday was my stalker ex. He left condoms, birth control, furry handcuffs, and a lingerie set in my mailbox, with a note saying to prepare for our anniversary. We went out for a week. In sixth grade. FML

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By anonymous - 26/4/2015 13:35 - United States - Knoxville

Today, my fiancé threatened to break up with me if our dog couldn't be the best man at our wedding. FML

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By shescomfortablynumb - 5/6/2009 07:49 - United States

Today, I had a 3rd date with a great guy. Over dinner, he told me that he wanted to see more of me. When I agreed, he pulled out his schedule book and started to tell me he was dating 5 other women besides me. He then told me what week in the "rotation" would be mine. He wasn't kidding. FML

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By sacrophage - 28/2/2010 04:30 - Canada

Today, I discovered that my abusive, obsessive, psychotic ex-boyfriend from over two years ago still has a thing for me. How did I find out? Although I've ignored him walking unnecessarily past my house for the past two months, it was hard to ignore when he fell from a tree outside my window. FML

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By mom2010 - 15/12/2010 15:07 - United States

Today, my fiancé told me that he doesn't think cheating is a big deal because everybody does it. FML

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By - 22/12/2019 18:00

Travel gift

Today, I decided to buy my Chinese Studies professor a gift from Taiwan. So I bought her a mini-Taiwanese passport that said "Republic of China" on it. As it turns out, it was actually a two-pack of travel condoms. FML

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By Naulwenn - 23/6/2016 04:25 - France - Groslay

Today, my divorced parents have started sending each other photos of both of my bedrooms, to, “compare the shambles and see who wins.“ FML

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By thesadone - 3/7/2010 06:49 - United States

Today, I realized that the best and most entertaining part of my 3 day mini vacation was realizing my nipples work on the touch screen of my iPhone. FML

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By yellowjacket_34 - 13/11/2009 17:47 - United States

Today, I was a TA watching the class take a test. I didn't realize that the projector was still on while I was searching the Internet. They watched me google "chronic itchy anus". FML

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By up to no-good... - 22/8/2014 04:09 - United States - Albuquerque

Today, my parents accused me of being secretive. I have no idea what they're talking about; all I do is work, go to school, sleep, and eat. Now I'm grounded until I tell them what's going on. I have crazy parents, that's what's going on. FML

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By Anonymous - 17/2/2018 19:00

Man vs Boy

Today, it was my first day at a new gym, which cost a fortune. Some skinny teen who had clearly never lifted in his life dropped a weight while I was stretching and broke my ankle. Money down the drain. FML

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By Anonymous - 1/7/2016 22:35 - United States - Salt Lake City

Today, I saw my ex best friend and my cheating ex-girlfriend hanging out at the gym, where I work. They signed up here just to piss me off. It's working. FML

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By joshua - 25/1/2010 21:24 - United States

Today, I got a call from my younger brother's school to pick him up immediately. He had a test today and had the brilliant idea that by telling everyone he had head lice, he could go home. I had to leave work to pick him up, and now I have to take him to a doctor so they can verify he can go back. FML

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By Cress - 11/2/2018 19:00

Today, my dad asked what I wanted for my birthday. The only thing I wanted was the complete series of Dragon Ball Z on DVD. He just sighed, shook his head, and asked me to pick something normal. FML

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By E - 20/10/2016 19:07

Today, my office smells like a giant turnip green fart because of a sewage leak. FML

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By stoggie96 - 22/4/2012 15:34 - United States - Wooster

Today, I realized that both my husband and son refer to me as "the bitch." FML

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By an anon - 27/3/2015 05:31 - United States - San Francisco

Today, some well-meaning soul told me to just pray my depression away, which would be about as effective as praying away a knife in my shin. FML

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By Iguana - 12/9/2012 02:35 - Canada - Oromocto

Today, my boyfriend invited me over to "play with his lizard." After excitedly rushing across town, I realized this wasn't a euphemism, he actually bought an Iguana. FML

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By luckygirl - 13/10/2015 16:20 - Croatia - Zagreb

Today, I gave my virginity to my boyfriend. All I got in return was rug burn and an infection. FML

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By thisreallysucks2 - 23/3/2009 02:15 - United States

Today, I texted my boyfriend to see if he wanted to finally have sex today. His response was "Can't, Platinum just came out." I didn't know what that meant so I searched "Platinum 3-22-2009" on Google. I found out he's talking about a new Pokémon game. FML

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By Anonymous - 21/4/2013 04:11 - United States

Today, I got hit by a car while riding my bike. Instead of coming to my aid, the driver just laid on his horn and screamed out the window for me to move my ass, because he had places to be. FML

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By needs_another_loan - 2/10/2009 01:43 - United States

Today, while I was at work, my wife discovered you cannot put out a grease fire with water. I came home to a frantic spouse, a fire department bill, and a newly destroyed kitchen. FML

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By Anonymous - 8/2/2017 19:00 - Ireland - Navan

Today, at work, I bumped into what looked like a small child and said, "sorry, little man". Turns out he actually was a "little person". FML

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By Out of Shape - 16/8/2011 22:09 - Egypt

Today, I decided to start exercising. I almost passed out five minutes into the warm up, and couldn't even stand in the shower afterwards. I'm only 21. FML

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By Anonymous - 2/11/2018 12:00

Today, I found out my son has been sneaking out of his room at night to see his girlfriend. He's a fully-grown 23-year-old man with a job and his own car. He doesn't need to sneak out. What an idiot. FML

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By Anonymous - 26/6/2020 02:02

Emergency haircut

Today, I told off my crazy sister-in-law after she made my wife cry for putting on weight during lockdown. Then, as I was sleeping in my armchair, the crazy bitch snuck into the house and cut off every single one of my meter-long dreadlocks. Now I got a BALD HEAD. FML

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By littlepsychgirl - 29/9/2011 20:14 - United States

Today, my parents asked me if I would dog-sit for them while they go to my ex's wedding. FML

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Top comments

By TheFamilyElf | 17

#4248425 - Monday 2 April 2012 8:51

Stupid survey? Be nicer and maybe more people would give you birthday wishes!

Sorry op, that sucks. Happy birthday!

By GotBrains | 0

#4248485 - Monday 2 April 2012 9:00

Happy birthday! I suppose we'll see another FML by tomorrow saying " today I received more birthday greetings on FML than I ever had IRL or on Facebook, FML"
Sry OP, there ARE worse things in life.

COMMENTS

By TheFamilyElf | 17

#4248425 - Monday 2 April 2012 8:51

Stupid survey? Be nicer and maybe more people would give you birthday wishes!

Sorry op, that sucks. Happy birthday!

Reply

ladyLALAA | 28

#4248551 - Monday 2 April 2012 9:15

Yeah OP, it could have been worse, it could have been from your porn account! However, happy birthday I hope you ended up getting an amazing cake!

Reply

thiscrazything | 1

#4249040 - Monday 2 April 2012 12:43

Yes, things could always be worse, look at it this way, you have a whole new year to make new friends, so that next year they can celebrate your birthday! Good luck and happy birthday, OP.

Reply

siickman | 7

#4249088 - Monday 2 April 2012 13:03

12 is making a refrence to an earlier FML lol insiders are great :)

By PostItSticker | 11

#4248427 - Monday 2 April 2012 8:51

Time to get a life OP... Or atleast go outside... Hope it gets better

Reply

kateRAWR | 4

#4248716 - Monday 2 April 2012 10:09

Ahhhh , is that your dog ? Its sooo cute !

By rcgirl2 | 11

#4248429 - Monday 2 April 2012 8:51

Happy Birthday?

By Old_Man_Jenkins | 0

#4248459 - Monday 2 April 2012 8:55

Damn surveys

Reply

TheDrudgeChild | 4

#4248946 - Monday 2 April 2012 12:17

Hope OP enjoys having his inbox spammed by that thing for the next 5 months. Yeah, happy birthday.

Reply

rainbowbigbird | 7

#4249135 - Monday 2 April 2012 13:25

The gift that keeps on giving.

By Ruffclue | 9

#4248461 - Monday 2 April 2012 8:55

Happy Birthday OP. you still have whole day i m pretty sure people are gonna give you birthday wish sooner or later. cheer up : )

By GotBrains | 0

#4248485 - Monday 2 April 2012 9:00

Happy birthday! I suppose we'll see another FML by tomorrow saying " today I received more birthday greetings on FML than I ever had IRL or on Facebook, FML"
Sry OP, there ARE worse things in life.

By chris36taylor | 2

#4248494 - Monday 2 April 2012 9:01

You get what you give ;)

By monkeywrench1 | 10

#4248502 - Monday 2 April 2012 9:02

Now you see who's your real friends are.
(hint: the survey people) (;

By ninjadinos | 14

#4248528 - Monday 2 April 2012 9:07

Hey, at least somebody was thinking about you. Happy birthday, OP! I'd say have a good one but... :/

By ycrem0n | 20

#4248555 - Monday 2 April 2012 9:15

Well you came to right place, Happy Birthday!