Today, I punched myself in the face while trying to put my bra...

By anniemeece - 7/4/2012 15:15 - United States - Palo Alto

Today, I punched myself in the face while trying to put my bra on. FML

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anniemeece Say more :

Wow, I can't believe this actually got published! :O Okay, most of the questions are how: it's a sports bra. I hooked it in the back, and as I was adjusting the front so that it, ahem, fully encompassed everything and that the straps weren't twisted, my hand slipped as I was pulling up the front, and with the power of the elastic, hit myself in the mouth. I know, it was pretty silly.

Miscellaneous

Who's a good boy?

Too embarrassed to get them from a store?

Vultures

By SwAGkiLlS - 15/7/2012 15:12 - United States - Milwaukee

Today, my girlfriend said that we should try something new. I got excited because I thought it would be about sex. Nope, she wanted me to start speaking with animal noises so we could build up a secret language. FML

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By joarasmi - 1/6/2018 05:00

Today, I came home to a completely trashed house and just stood there in shock until I heard something upstairs. I ran to heroically catch the robber and, despite being a 4'10" woman, I did it! How? The fat fuck got stuck in my window. FML

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By msmusiclover7 - 27/2/2010 15:58 - United States

Today, I found out that my dad recently created a Facebook account for himself. So I friended him. He refuses to accept my friend request. He did, however, accept my sister's. FML

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By badhairday - 21/2/2018 01:30

Today, I went to the salon to get my extremely curly hair cut for the first time in years. Apparently, "just trim the dead ends" and "give me an afro" mean the same thing to a barber. FML

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By Anonymous - 24/10/2013 21:26 - Canada - Calgary

Today, I realized I have erectile dysfunction while drunk, and premature ejaculation while sober. FML

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By Anonymous - 24/7/2016 06:40 - United States - Huntsville

Today, after a week of my new neighbor constantly yelling in his native language, I finally complained about the noise. Turns out that's just his normal talking voice. Goodbye sleep. FML

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By Sad bitch - 18/6/2018 19:00

Today, I realized why my lavender products were no longer helping me calm down. I use lavender so much when I'm anxious that I've associated the smell with anxiety. FML

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By wtfdaughter - 3/2/2015 16:59 - Brazil - Recife

Today, my daughter put a doll in the microwave "to keep her warm". She's 17. FML

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By Anonymous - 30/3/2013 20:38 - Germany - Bad Windsheim

Today, I went to the supermarket to get some Easter gifts for my kids. At the register, I was verbally abused to the point of tears by the cashier, for having way too many items for the 12 items or less lane. I had 13. FML

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By frenchgirl - 23/11/2009 06:59 - United States

Today, I saw one of my favorite hockey players in public. I had met him once before, and to my shock, he remembered me. I was pretty excited until he started talking to his friend in French. He didn't seem to realize that I'm fluent in the language. He basically called me "ugly psycho bitch." FML

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By Anonymous - 21/11/2010 08:01 - Mexico

Today, I was walking with and hugging my girlfriend at the same time. I tried to be funny and touched her breast, saying "Boob" in a silly voice. In reply, she slapped me in the crotch, saying "Dick" in the same voice. FML

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By thiswouldonlyhappentome - 31/5/2011 00:33 - Aruba

Today, I finally found out what that weird smell in my apartment was. My ex-boyfriend had been breaking into my apartment and hiding rotting fruit all over the place. I found this out when a ceiling panel fell and a swarm of fruit flies attacked me. FML

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By pissedandcomputerless - 7/11/2013 18:42 - United States - Lawrence

Today, I failed on a school presentation because I was not prepared. Apparently, the fact that my computer crapped itself and started giving off smoke last period isn't a good reason for not having my presentation prepared. FML

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By of course - 20/4/2019 12:00

Today, I woke up at 2 a.m. needing a drink. Not only did my cat wake everyone up when I tripped over him, but I also spilled a whole gallon of milk on myself. FML

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By Kamburgler - 2/7/2011 06:33 - United States

Today, this really cute guy at work kept flirting with me and cracking the funniest jokes. Before he left, he told me how much he enjoyed making me smile. An hour later, I saw my reflection in a mirror, I had a huge piece of food stuck in my teeth. FML

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By Ihatebuses - 14/6/2018 19:00

Today, while getting on a city bus, I sat down on a urine-soaked seat. FML

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By Oops - 6/2/2010 08:17 - Australia

Today, I was talking to a female friend online. She was typing out a story bit by bit about how awful she was feeling after being teased. I was responding with "So, so true" but because of my slow typing it appeared after she wrote, "Doesn't help being fat." FML

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By KindStranger - 4/1/2020 20:00 - United Kingdom - Shrewsbury

Getting frisky

Today, I was walking home when I thought I saw a man beating up a woman in a phone box, I opened the door and pulled the man of the woman, turns out they where just "getting frisky" FML

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By ShowerGirl - 30/4/2013 07:54 - United States

Today, while I was in the shower, I heard a door slam. Assuming it was my fiancé, I shouted "I love you!" I later opened the bathroom door to see my stereo and television missing. I'd said "I love you" to whoever robbed my apartment. FML

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By ohEw - 9/11/2017 10:00 - United States - Pasadena

Today, while doing my laundry, I found a very clean but presumably used ribbed condom in my freshly washed and dried sheets. It was not mine. FML

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By c - 9/2/2012 00:07

Today, I finally got up the courage to tell my boyfriend of a year and a half that I love him. His response was to start to snore, pretending to be asleep. FML

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By Anonymous - 25/3/2016 21:55 - New Zealand - Auckland

Today, the cockroach infestation at my house has gotten so bad that I can now tell the difference between male and female cockroaches. FML

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By _akwardsituation - 1/1/2010 06:07 - Canada

Today, I realized the odd smell I've been trying to get out of the house is coming from me. FML

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By Great - 29/5/2015 12:13 - Canada - Toronto

Today, I was on the train going to work when my travel tea cup began spilling inside my purse, which was on my lap. It went all over my skirt, pooled at the bottom of my feet, and, yes, everyone notice that it happened to be piss-colored yellow. FML

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By Anonymous - 8/10/2015 15:10 - United States - Altamonte Springs

Today, in the middle of a presentation, I fought a shart, but the shart won. FML

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By Anonymous - 22/10/2014 16:09 - Norway - Egersund

Today, my 17-year-old son managed to easily convince my 13-year-old daughter that if you have sex before getting married, you'll instantly get horrible diseases that will kill you. Her freaking out is how I found out she's not only gullible as hell, but sexually active as well. FML

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By CallaC - 15/3/2012 02:01 - Canada

Today, my dad sat me down for the sex talk. Almost before he could open his mouth, my mother popped her head into the room and said, "Be realistic, Dan. Who would want to sleep with that?" FML

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By VDM - 3/6/2013 21:16 - France - Poissy

Today, my 6-year-old son was so angry at me for not buying him overpriced candy at the airport, that he told a security guard I had a machine gun in my suitcase. The interrogation was not pleasant. FML

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By cramps - 17/9/2009 13:59 - Australia

Today, I got my period. 10 minutes into a 3 hour exam. Apparently they are serious when they say you may not leave the room under any circumstances. FML

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By Bear - 1/2/2009 17:38 - United Kingdom

Today, I walked in on my Mum and Dad having sex and didn't even realize what they were doing until she shouted at him to go harder. FML

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By Anonymous - 11/1/2011 03:27 - United States

Today, I sent a friend request on facebook to the only person I became friends with this semester at college. He denied me. FML

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By Anonymous - 1/8/2012 09:02 - United States

Today, I discovered that the only reason my husband is taking yoga classes with me is because he wants to be flexible enough to suck his own rod. FML

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By Nutty - 21/7/2019 00:04

Today, my girlfriend refused to have sex with me, because my underwear are Fruit of the Loom instead of Hanes. According to her, since all real men wear Hanes, I'm unfit to have sex with her because I wear Fruit of the Loom and am therefore not a man. FML

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By maidmyday - 12/8/2009 14:25 - United States

Today, I started a new job as a maid. As I was cleaning the master bedroom's en-suite bathroom, the owners of the house came in and started making love. I was too scared to admit I was there, but after there was silence for a few minutes I thought it might be safe to leave. It wasn't. FML

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By Baileyy - 1/3/2011 23:18 - United States

Today, while pensively thinking up my next awesome Facebook status over dinner, I finally came to the conclusion that I need to get a life. FML

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By FMeRight? - 28/12/2016 20:15 - United States - San Francisco

Today, my boyfriend finally proposed to me in front of his whole family with the ring his mother had helped him pick out. Two hours later, I found emails of nudes from another women that had been sent to him a week prior, on his phone. Our flight for home leaves in a week. FML

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By anonymous - 10/11/2016 14:29 - United States - Lewistown

Today, I was subpoenaed on behalf of my mother-in-law. My husband said if I didn't defend her and consequently lie under oath, our marriage is over. She said, "I can get rid of two problems in one day!" FML

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By betamaxjim - 19/11/2012 20:06 - United Kingdom

Today, as I left class, I felt a tug on my rucksack from behind. Thinking it was just someone deliberately dragging me back, I struggled to let myself free and shouted, "Let go!" I looked over my shoulder just to find that one the straps was trapped in the doorhandle. Everyone was in hysterics. FML

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By Anonymous - 28/12/2016 01:28

Today, I attempted to score with a previous friend-with-benefits by sending her a photo of my Christmas present, bondage rope. She arrived an hour later in a mad panic. She thought I was going to hang myself. FML

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By Nick - 20/3/2009 16:45 - United States

Today, my wife of over 20 years told me she wants a divorce because she wants "a change in life". She has had the same mullet hair cut since '84. FML

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Top comments

By Cad6 | 24

#4272417 - Saturday 7 April 2012 20:14

It was booby trapped.

By Justforlolz | 13

#4272329 - Saturday 7 April 2012 20:03

I guess you could say...
That was...
*sunglasses*
A booby trap.
YEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAA- *shot*

COMMENTS

By Finnick_fml | 12

#4272280 - Saturday 7 April 2012 19:57

Ouch.. how did you manage to do that? o.O

Cad6 | 24

#4272417 - Saturday 7 April 2012 20:14

It was booby trapped.

Isabelana | 5

#4272448 - Saturday 7 April 2012 20:18

I'm going to take a safe guess and say it probably didn't fit... lol

X_Codes | 11

#4272517 - Saturday 7 April 2012 20:29

@1: What we need is a demonstration video both of the accident and of the proper way to put one on. The first half because watching someone punch themselves in the face because it's YouTube gold, the latter for the benefit of the OP, and the whole idea for the benefit of men everywhere. ;)

stevenJB | 25

#4272581 - Saturday 7 April 2012 20:45

Wow how many times have I seen that same comment on this site before...?

Finnick_fml | 12

#4272606 - Saturday 7 April 2012 20:51

@49, well, I'm actually curious... You think you'd un-clip your bra before you put it on... and full on punching yourself in the face seems pretty extreme. Buut, yeah, F OP's life..

WilkersonJesus | 1

#4272608 - Saturday 7 April 2012 20:51

my roomate's ex-wife makes $79/hr on the laptop. She has been out of a job for 9 months but last month her pay was $8641 just working on the laptop for a few hours. Go to this web site CashLazy.com

xoconnie | 8

#4272702 - Saturday 7 April 2012 21:16

skilllllzzzzzzzz

jackgoldstein | 5

#4273333 - Sunday 8 April 2012 1:32

Pics or it didn't happen

PeachesnCream88 | 0

#4274039 - Sunday 8 April 2012 4:32

How do you do that?! :S

Matty1188 | 6

#4274881 - Sunday 8 April 2012 9:12

29 - mad props to you.

boofgall | 16

#4292759 - Thursday 12 April 2012 4:22

I've accidentally smashed through my closet door while hopping to put pants on. Took the whole door off. That was fun!

By Maht_fml | 0

#4272289 - Saturday 7 April 2012 19:59

looooool

Justforlolz | 13

#4272315 - Saturday 7 April 2012 20:02

Ahhhh, that wonderful moment when you post an absolutely shit comment in a vain attempt to be first, and yet you still fail. Try again.

Cad6 | 24

#4272355 - Saturday 7 April 2012 20:06

Cool story bra.

Michaelsgirl04 | 9

#4272620 - Saturday 7 April 2012 20:54

laughing out out out out out out loud?

buck33 | 14

#4272639 - Saturday 7 April 2012 20:59

Laughing over obnoxious owls on opium out loud.

Hope this clears it up.

By harof1c | 0

#4272301 - Saturday 7 April 2012 20:01

Get a bigger bra?

Meowingtons500 | 18

#4272729 - Saturday 7 April 2012 21:23

60- Harsh.

Dracoboxer357 | 35

#4272790 - Saturday 7 April 2012 21:48

64- I have, and I don't recall her even once belittling or insulting anyone, something virtually everyone else, myself included, is guilty of.
So yeah, harsh. :p

Cad6 | 24

#4272813 - Saturday 7 April 2012 21:52

Some threads appall me.

Meowingtons500 | 18

#4272863 - Saturday 7 April 2012 22:04

64- Leave the kid alone. She's what, fourteen? You're 17 and are calling her a dumb ass for no obvious reason.
If I were you, I'd shut up now.

kitkat789 | 2

#4272961 - Saturday 7 April 2012 22:46

60-shut the f*** up ur the dumbass!

DocBastard | 38

#4272964 - Saturday 7 April 2012 22:46

Why can't we all just get along?

That being said, chel777 you need to go put your hand in a meat grinder. That's the best way I can think of to prevent you from posting more unnecessarily mean comments directed at children.

Isaac_The_Man | 0

#4273019 - Saturday 7 April 2012 23:05

69- U thumbed up your comment for the number(;

Eiregal2 | 10

#4273218 - Sunday 8 April 2012 0:31

Never you mind love, you did nothing wrong! From where I am you made a perfectly
Fine comment! Here, have a cookie! (gives cookie)

PeachesnCream88 | 0

#4274062 - Sunday 8 April 2012 4:36

Aha these threads r hilarious

melikesfml | 11

#4277090 - Sunday 8 April 2012 21:34

Why is 32's comment thumbed down. It makes perfect sense. He's probably thinking that the girl was struggling to get it on because it was tight or something. Silly people.

By eddeeezzyy | 19

#4272308 - Saturday 7 April 2012 20:01

Want me to help you out there? ;)

DREWBERTMAN | 2

#4273081 - Saturday 7 April 2012 23:37

I'll get the right boob, you get the left? I want in on this action...

eddeeezzyy | 19

#4273221 - Sunday 8 April 2012 0:31

Sorry, but this a one-man job.

LegalyWhite | 7

#4279113 - Monday 9 April 2012 6:47

No bra?

By melliemoo17 | 6

#4272317 - Saturday 7 April 2012 20:02

How???

By Justforlolz | 13

#4272329 - Saturday 7 April 2012 20:03

I guess you could say...
That was...
*sunglasses*
A booby trap.
YEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAA- *shot*

samanthamordecai | 9

#4272398 - Saturday 7 April 2012 20:11

This made my entire day. You, sir, are awesome.

Justforlolz | 13

#4272419 - Saturday 7 April 2012 20:14

*ohstopityou.jpg*

zack11742 | 7

#4272841 - Saturday 7 April 2012 21:59

Although it is a sweet comment it has been previously posted so to both of you great comment

Justforlolz | 13

#4272931 - Saturday 7 April 2012 22:32

The comment number is 11. It was one of the first comments up. Unless you're referring to it being a bad joke. There IS a reply to the first comment with the same joke but it's from a higher number, thus making it later.