Miscellaneous: Today, in the midst of sleep, my boyfriend hurled my cellphone...

By Anonymous - United States

Today, in the midst of sleep, my boyfriend hurled my cellphone across the room and into the wall because he couldn't be bothered to pick up or hang up an incoming call. FML

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Miscellaneous

Proactive

Commando

Season finale

By boyishgirl - United States - Anchorage

Today, I got to see my best friend for the first time in months. Her first reaction was to say, "Wow, you gained a lot of weight." I actually lost a fair bit. FML

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33836

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By LizP40 - United States

Today, I tried to initiate sex with my boyfriend. As I put on my most seductive moves, he ever so nicely says, "Babe, we just had sex last night. Why don't we wait a while so you've had some time to tighten back up." FML

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By GroosedOut - United States

Today, I saw my wife pick her nose and suck on her fingers. We're 38. FML

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44513

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By Broke - United States - The Colony

Today, I went to an ATM to see how much money I had in my account. I put the card in. It never gave it back. FML

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48877

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By WAPmeBaby - 25/8/2020 20:02 - United States

Anthony Fantano over here

Today, I'm driving with to Vancouver with my aunt. It's been four hours and she still hasn't gotten tired of her lone Nickelback CD yet. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1267

You deserved it

202

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By this is impossible - United States - Norristown

Today, my dad sat me and my sister down and give us a "talk". More like an angry irrational rant. He forbade us from being gay, marrying a Muslim or a black person, demanded kids from both of us, and threatened to disown us if we didn't. Where's my free will? FML

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25307

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By makayta - United States - Los Angeles

Today, a coworker asked me how I was because I looked down. I said, "You don't want to know." They replied, "You're right, I don't," and walked off. FML

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8750

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By Workplace woes - United States - San Francisco

Today, my coworker showed me photos of her anal fissures. I'm not a doctor. FML

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14051

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1001

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By Anonymous - Australia

Today, I got my first tip. It was a Mentos. FML

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27642

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By Sick

Today, I noticed a thick layer of mold growing inside the straw of my water bottle. I use that bottle every day. FML

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5656

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By jester777 - United States

Today, I sneaked into my girlfriend's house for some romantic time. Before going into her room, I took a dump in the bathroom. Once I was done, I not only noticed that there was no toilet paper left, but I heard her and her 6'5, heavyweight boxer, ex-marine father, talking outside the bathroom door. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was told that I don't meet the minimum requirements for a job I applied for. I currently hold the same job, at the same facility, but just wanted a day shift. Apparently I'm not qualified for the job I've had for 2 and a half years. FML

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By EchoDearEcho - Australia

Today, I introduced my girlfriend to my parents. My mother turned to me and said, "Wait you're actually gay? I thought you were just saying that to piss off your father." I came out to her when I was 16, and have confided in her about my past relationships. FML

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34771

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By lord kuntface - United States - Fort Myers

Today, my computer stopped connecting to the corporate network. I know what the problem is, but our tech support is so clueless that the only thing they do is utter the dreaded words, "Did you try turning it off and back on?" Meanwhile my boss is yelling at me for not getting any work done. FML

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41518

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By Anonymous - Canada - Lindsay

Today, while working as a swim instructor, I started singing the hokey pokey to get all the kids used to putting their faces in the water. One of the kids was covering his ears. When I asked him why, he said "because you were singing." He's 3. FML

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By beckbm23 - United States

Today, at work at a grocery store an old couple came through my checkout lane. As I was putting their bagged groceries in the cart, the old man started feeling me up. FML

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32074

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By Anonymous

Sneaky

Today, after losing a battle with ants in my apartment, I just pulled one off that was biting me in the vagina. FML

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1803

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By day001313 - United States - Albany

Today, I was house-sitting for some friends of my grandparents while they are out of town. While I was in the shower, the dog decided to take my dirty underwear and run. There is now a pair of lacy, black underwear hidden somewhere this giant house, and they return tomorrow. FML

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26807

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By schellbytheseashore - United States

Today, during a text conversation with a girl I've been trying to get with, she complained about how crummy of a day she was having. I told her it couldn't be as bad as she thought, and she would probably get it over it soon. Then she told me she had found out her cousin had been murdered. FML

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51082

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By lagirl - United States

Today, I had a date with this really cute guy. He invited me over to make dinner at his place. Eventually we end up in his bedroom to have sex. He pulls down my panties and says, "You need to shave that shit." FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Chesapeake

Today, I was so proud of a clever analogy I'd written to a friend in a text, that I “dropped the mic” afterward. I realized what I'd done a split second before the phone hit the ground and shattered into a million pieces. FML

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1243

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By Omydayz - United States - Fremont

Today, after telling a friend I was contemplating asking a girl to prom, my friend took my phone, told me to have some balls, and texted the girl asking her to prom. She said no, because I asked her over text instead of in person. She refuses to believe I didn't send the text. FML

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19512

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By Nikse - United States

Today, I was at the store with my mother in the facial care section. I found this device that scrubs your face with those anti-bacterial pads. The aisle was crowded and noisy, so I shouted to my mother, "Can I have this vibrator thing?" It went silent. FML

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19298

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By Cinderstar95 - United States - Schererville

Today, my dad and brother found a Christmas present that they'd "forgotten" to give me. Expecting a joke, I apprehensively opened it. But I still wasn't prepared to unwrap the neck of the Christmas turkey. It had been rotting in the living room for 2 days. The smell was indescribable. FML

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6239

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By DiiiDiiine - France - Limoges

Today, I cut myself pretty badly with a knife. I was bleeding quite a lot, so I yelled to my husband to bring me some kitchen roll, along with the first aid kit. He rushed in with the roll… to clean the floor. FML

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34279

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By mahlee - United States

Today, my college roomate and I received our first pieces of mail. We were very excited because our mailbox wasn't empty anymore. She got a package of home baked cookies in the mail from her family. I got a letter from a stranger in prison. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Sherwood

Today, I had to sit in a three-seat truck between my dad and his best friend on a 4-hour trip to Detroit. It was great, besides their incessant crude jokes and stories, including chafing ball sacks, and naming their new radio station, "Chicks With Dicks Radio." FML

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26520

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I woke up to my boyfriend throwing my birth control box at me and shouting that I was a slut for cheating on him since we never had sex. I attempted to explain the birth control was for a condition I have that causes my period to be non-existent. He didn't believe me. FML

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By disappointed

Today, I got to live my life's dream of going whale watching. Apparently my true life's dream was to get extremely seasick, sunburned to a crisp, and pay $60 to see only seagulls in the end. FML

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23201

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, while sitting on the couch, my boyfriend came over, pulled his penis out of his fly, and started stabbing me in the face with it while humming the Jaws theme. FML

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51055

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By navyma - Korea Republic of

Today, I went to the orthodontist to have my braces worked on. I accidentally swallowed some of the cleaning solution she used. She told me it would probably give me an upset stomach. Apparently, an upset stomach and crapping your pants means the same thing to an orthodontist. FML

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39689

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By hurricane0331 - United States

Today, a 75 year old lady drove into me. Her excuse was, "I wasn't looking." Awesome. FML

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40000

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By Anonymous - United States - Decatur

Today, my daughter, who was born in late 2000, mentioned how amazing it is that she'll be alive during the year 3000. I asked her exactly how old she thinks she'll be by then. She said, "Thirty, duh." I've screwed up as a parent, so very badly. FML

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63554

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By fml boy

Today, my 10k dirt bike stopped starting. I used it once and owned it for less than 24 hours. Later in the afternoon, I dropped my phone and it cracked. Later in the evening, I was walking in my room towards my bed in the dark and I stubbed my toe on my Pc and one of the panels fell off. FML

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2188

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By Anonymous - 20/12/2020 02:08 - United States - Pittsburgh

Lockdown boredom

Today, thanks to 10 months of lockdown, the most intimate thing I have done on a Saturday night during this time is use a hobby knife to cut 1/4" thick calluses off my feet. I don't even walk anywhere. FML

I agree, your life sucks

631

You deserved it

139

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By anonymous - United Kingdom - Leicester

Today, whilst walking to a primary school to give pupils a lesson on cleanliness, I tripped and landed on a dog turd. FML

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29653

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By rawr_ily96 - 24/5/2020 08:00 - United States

Barf

Today, I was struck at home with a stomach virus. My dad, being an occasional insensitive smart-ass, decided to cook some bacon, sit right in front of the couch I was lying on, and eat the bacon. Last time I tried to eat bacon with a stomach virus... Not pretty. FML

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1199

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182

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By dadyoureacunt - Australia - Melbourne

Today, my dad made a big show of sending me to my room and grounding me for a week. Not because he heard me cursing at my video game, but because I "swear like a little girl" and it embarrassed him in front of his friends. FML

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By Alex - Belgium

Today, I was notified that I've been going to the wrong courses for 4 weeks. A friend of mine was the only person to tell me that the administration had taken the privilege to change my courses. I have now failed 5 courses due to absences and have been suspended from college for 6 months. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I realized I've been sinking into a deep depression, ignoring all my friends, and don't know what to do with my life anymore. This is all because I gave up Facebook for lent. FML

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Top comments

By Redoxx_fml | 22

#4251010 - Tuesday 3 April 2012 0:26

"Who was it?"
"Dunno. Phone's broken"

By sillydumpling | 0

#4251023 - Tuesday 3 April 2012 0:26

I hope you have a nokia

COMMENTS

By Redoxx_fml | 22

#4251010 - Tuesday 3 April 2012 0:26

"Who was it?"
"Dunno. Phone's broken"

Mooish | 18

#4251062 - Tuesday 3 April 2012 0:30

That's why I heard a boom before the phone ended.

littlemissFYL | 5

#4252072 - Tuesday 3 April 2012 1:50

Nope he's cheating on you that's why he didn't wanna talk in front of you. Dump his ass.

meelo88 | 13

#4252111 - Tuesday 3 April 2012 1:59

I think it said it was OP's cell phone so he's not cheating he's just an ass

KeyboardWarrior | 10

#4252265 - Tuesday 3 April 2012 2:33

57 WHAT AN ASSUMPTION. YOU SHOULD BECOME A DETECTIVE.

Cad6 | 24

#4252313 - Tuesday 3 April 2012 2:47

^Were the caps really necessary?

Krirn | 21

#4252351 - Tuesday 3 April 2012 3:02

Based off his name, I'd say he went Super Saiyan.

KeyboardWarrior | 10

#4252464 - Tuesday 3 April 2012 3:40

INDEED I DID. YES THEY WERE NECESSARY. NO HOLDING BACK WHEN FIGHTING AGAINST INTERGALACTIC TYRANTS. YOU CAN THANK ME LATER.

oksowhat | 0

#4252870 - Tuesday 3 April 2012 5:51

I LOVE YOU.

oksowhat | 0

#4252876 - Tuesday 3 April 2012 5:53

57- He answered her phone. Not his...

RogueWarrior869 | 23

#4254355 - Tuesday 3 April 2012 17:34

She said he threw /her/ cellphone. Not his.

By haloofduty27 | 12

#4251017 - Tuesday 3 April 2012 0:26

INCOMING!.....call

SLKBlack96 | 5

#4252349 - Tuesday 3 April 2012 3:02

NO!! THIS IS PATRICK

jtthegr8 | 26

#4252553 - Tuesday 3 April 2012 4:12

Gotta do what ya gotta do to get away from a phone call

iBanana | 17

#4252682 - Tuesday 3 April 2012 4:51

Must have thought it was a grenade.. "Call from Mo-OH MY GOD! FIRE IN THE HOLE!" Ahhh, Modern Warfare has ruined us.

Guren | 0

#4253515 - Tuesday 3 April 2012 10:59

Obviously he just watched The Ring..

Redoxx_fml | 22

#4254332 - Tuesday 3 April 2012 17:09

121-You mean "One Missed Call"

By sillydumpling | 0

#4251023 - Tuesday 3 April 2012 0:26

I hope you have a nokia

ElricMustang | 23

#4251952 - Tuesday 3 April 2012 1:28

That's because phones don't "brake". Remember kids: stay in school.

KeyboardWarrior | 10

#4251954 - Tuesday 3 April 2012 1:28

I know! One time, I was crossing the street and this Nokia nearly hit me! I mean, it was a red light and everything! Those Nokia's are crazy man, I tell ya.

Nevereverland | 8

#4252023 - Tuesday 3 April 2012 1:41

I was jumped by a nokia once, talk about connecting people..

alexup24 | 13

#4252052 - Tuesday 3 April 2012 1:44

then they'll have to fix that giant hole in the wall.

domking1315 | 20

#4252511 - Tuesday 3 April 2012 3:58

Guys please the big bang theory is a cover up for the first Nokia exploding.

MehrunesDagon456 | 20

#6072624 - Wednesday 24 September 2014 3:01

Actually don't hope for that. It would break the wall.

By Cad6 | 24

#4251026 - Tuesday 3 April 2012 0:27

Looks like you can't "cell" your phone anymore. :( sucks.

purpleamandapand | 6

#4251036 - Tuesday 3 April 2012 0:28

I don't think she was planning to... Nice try anyways.

Cad6 | 24

#4251159 - Tuesday 3 April 2012 0:43

Holy shit this got thumbed down faster than my usual fail puns. I need to make my fails less failish (No, it's not a word).

SkoomaKi | 27

#4251873 - Tuesday 3 April 2012 1:11

Holy shit tits! Let's get better puns! (/-.-)/

fromthesuck | 8

#4252292 - Tuesday 3 April 2012 2:40

Or... We could just give up on puns all together. CSI has ruined them all anyway.

williamh327 | 5

#4252597 - Tuesday 3 April 2012 4:24

Hahah
Punny... NOT!

ladyLALAA | 28

#4253744 - Tuesday 3 April 2012 13:04

4, keep them coming I love puns!

idoam | 8

#4256369 - Wednesday 4 April 2012 3:43

You've been punished.

By rocker_chick105 | 31

#4251028 - Tuesday 3 April 2012 0:27

I can only imagine what he would do if he had one of those moving alarm clocks...

By bkingkingking | 13

#4251030 - Tuesday 3 April 2012 0:27

why would he be answering your phone? somebody sounds a teeny tiny bit obsessive... and violent

SkoomaKi | 27

#4251108 - Tuesday 3 April 2012 0:35

6 - can't tell if you're making a duck face or pulling a constipated look...

bkingkingking | 13

#4251121 - Tuesday 3 April 2012 0:36

...constipated duck

livkoko | 15

#4251131 - Tuesday 3 April 2012 0:37

I'm pretty sure OP means he couldn't be bothered to deal with keys and commands on her phone to shut it up so he destroyed it instead. No violence inferred...

SkoomaKi | 27

#4251140 - Tuesday 3 April 2012 0:39

21 - Can you not see we are discussing constipated ducks? Please stop thread jacking.

sillydumpling | 0

#4251145 - Tuesday 3 April 2012 0:40

Both

domking1315 | 20

#4252526 - Tuesday 3 April 2012 4:01

Yes we've already established that it's both. Now we're talking about #21 thread jacking. Please keep up with the program next time.

By 21jason | 9

#4251032 - Tuesday 3 April 2012 0:28

Sooo I'm guessing they won't be calling back?

By SkoomaKi | 27

#4251046 - Tuesday 3 April 2012 0:29

Return the favor?

olpally | 32

#4252630 - Tuesday 3 April 2012 4:36

Because that's a reasonable reaction to respond to a phone ringing, what an idiot your bf is... Holy fuck..

By MonsterCommenter | 4

#4251048 - Tuesday 3 April 2012 0:29

Thats a "dropped" call.

purpleamandapand | 6

#4251068 - Tuesday 3 April 2012 0:30

More like a thrown call!

KeyboardWarrior | 10

#4251971 - Tuesday 3 April 2012 1:30

"Your call has been launched."

By calmyourself | 7

#4251059 - Tuesday 3 April 2012 0:30

Ive done the same. Sleep is very important.

ElricMustang | 23

#4252515 - Tuesday 3 April 2012 3:59

Lol name + pic = win!

calmyourself | 7

#4253334 - Tuesday 3 April 2012 9:01

Haha, thank you for the compliment. My dog will be thrilled too.

ElricMustang | 23

#4253749 - Tuesday 3 April 2012 13:05

Yea you can tell by his expression haha

cajekraze | 7

#4254793 - Tuesday 3 April 2012 20:46

Moreover, waking guys from sleep suddenly, like the sharp sound of a phone ringing, can cause an adrenaline reaction. What comes then is often uncontrollable to an extent