Today, my daughter left a plate of food in her room for two hours. When I yelled at her about ants, her response was, "But I thought it took DAYS for ants to show up!" I raised this dumbass. FML
Today, after we went and spent $30 to get our two youngest boys hair cut last weekend, they snuck my beard trimmer and had a go at doing it themselves. Guess whose heads are buzzed now. FML
Today, my son asked if there was a way to make parenting easier. I sarcastically told him he could be a deadbeat who sees his kid every two weeks. He must have thought I was serious because he broke up with his girlfriend and baby, turned up at my door expecting to have his old room, and told my wife it was my idea. FML
Today, I was told I was disrespectful for letting a parent know that her son was disrespecting adults. FML
Today, my daughter once again called my boyfriend by the name of an ex-boyfriend. She always does this and she claims it’s because they’re all bald. Can she not remember their very distinct faces? FML
Today, once again, my mom ranted about how she sacrificed so much for me by moving to a better city. I said it was for my education and to stop making me feel like a burden. She scoffed, "Right, you never should've been born. My mistake." FML
Today, my wife told me the only reason she doesn’t want kids is because she requires privacy to poop. That’s it. That’s the dealbreaker. FML
Today, I'm starting to realize my wife's baby loves me more than my wife. FML
Today, I went to see the doctor for my daughter and myself. I fell two weeks ago, I thought I'd sprained my ankle but apparently I broke my leg instead. I’ve been limping around for two weeks. My daughter was sick, which is the only reason I got X-rayed. It may need screws. FML
Today, my teenage daughter insisted it was my job to take down the tray full of empty dishes, because I was the one who had carried it upstairs. Sound logic, so far. Why had I carried the tray upstairs? To serve her breakfast in bed. FML
Today, I burst into tears when my 35 year-old cousin announced on social media she is going to be a grandma. Her 16 year-old son's girlfriend is pregnant. I am 33, single, and have been romantically invisible to everyone my whole life. I'm gonna die alone. FML
Today, my fiancée’s siblings kept calling me by her ex-boyfriend’s name. FML
Today, I learned I will hand my daughter off to a complete stranger in order to provide help during an emergency situation. I don't know whether I feel proud to be someone who steps up in the moment, or mortified and ashamed that I gave my kid to a bystander so easily. FML
Today, I overheard my mother-in-law say to her daughter "I can't wait for you to make me a real grandma." I'm pregnant with their first grandchild. FML
Today, my 14 year-old daughter threatened to run away. Why? We live in southern Arizona. In the last week, she's found a dead tarantula and a live scorpion in her bedroom. In a couple of weeks it will be rattlesnake season. She's not liking the desert much anymore, where even the plants want to hurt you. FML
Today, I found out I'm an uncle. Normally this would be great news, except I have spent the last 8 years thinking I was her father. FML
Today, I finally had my doctor's appointment to get my tubes tied. I've been waiting for 2 years. Instead, I found out that my birth control failed and I'm pregnant. FML
Today, I got a call from my husband, saying that he wants a divorce, he’s been seeing his colleague and that she’s more compatible to him. I’ve just given birth to out first child. He told me, "Aww, good luck with that." FML
Today, while trying to walk past my mother in the hallway, I hesitated because she suddenly moved to the side. She screamed at me for a solid five minutes about not being able to "predict her movements." And she wonders why I’m suicidal. FML
Today, my neighbor yelled at me because her two kids got into my pool. They scaled a two-meter wall to get to my backyard. They used a tree in her yard that hangs over the wall. I guess I could install razor wire on top of the wall. FML
Today, I overheard a lady tell her child in a store that, “If you don’t stop crying, I’ll tell that guy over there to take you away.” She was referring to me. FML
Today, I told my mom my husband and I were considering having another baby. She said, "No!" about 30 times. Then later she texted me that she insists on no more kids. I guess I will never have that bonding moment with her. FML
Today, I'm running on two hours sleep thanks to our new baby. My partner slept all night, and when I asked them to take over so I could have a nap, they ran to bed, saying that they needed to sleep. Why? Apparently, the baby noise woke them up "once or twice" and they needed the extra sleep more than me. FML
Today, in the same conversation with the same person, I got chewed out because our kids want to spend more time with me than her, and also because the kids spend too much time with her and she can’t work from home effectively. Can anyone explain how that works? FML
Today, it's the third day in a row my roommate has woken me up with blasting music, after keeping me up late listening to him screaming into his Xbox headset. His kids ate the last of my food. I can't even take a shit without one of them barging in. His whole fucking family is a walking condom commercial. FML
Today, I was written up for bringing my son to work. For safety reasons, bringing kids to work is strictly prohibited. I don’t have any kids. FML
Today, my girlfriend broke up with me. Why? Her six year-old likes me more than her. I hate kids. I stayed with her in spite of her son, because I love her. For some reason she thought I was going to leave her and take her kid with me, so she broke up with me first. FML
Today, I was texting my boyfriend while in the car with my family. He sent a particularly racy text, and my little sister happened to look over at my phone and then asked quite loudly, "What does anal mean?” FML
Today, my son told me he failed to get into the army, which I didn’t know he was trying to do. Apparently he thought playing Call of Duty non-stop counted as "experience" and that he’d become an officer rank straight away, despite being 10-stone overweight with the brains of a tree stump FML
Today, I looked at cute baby clothes while my friend was in the check-out line at JC Penny. It made me want to cry. I'm almost 33, childless, and so unattractive I couldn't pay someone to be into me. FML
Feel like sharing it with the other FML users?
Thanks, your FML was submitted, and will appear in the moderation queue soon!
