Today, I got a call from my son’s teacher. Apparently, while doing a test, he responded to the question, "Predict how the government will change in the next ten years" with, "I’m not psychic." FML
Today, while on a road trip, I stopped at a gas station and told my kids to go to the restroom. My youngest daughter said, "I had to go earlier, but not anymore." FML
Today, I thought babysitting my nephew would be easy. WRONG. He put his wet teddy on the space heater to dry, and caused a fire. While I was putting the fire out, he decided to wash his burnt teddy in the sink, which blocked the plug and flooded my kitchen. FML
Today, I watched as my four-year-old niece accidentally knocked over her mom’s wine. She was clearly upset about it, and her mother screaming at her didn’t help. Later, she asked her mom if she still loved her, to which she replied, "I don’t believe in second chances." FML
Today, at school, some kid I’ve never liked came up to me and said, to my face, "I’m really happy to hear about your mom." She died two weeks ago. FML
Today, I thought it would be fun and nice to pick my little brother up, but no, he accidentally kicked me in the balls. Twice. FML
Today, I saw the girl my ex cheated on me with had her baby. I wrote a comment on her photo about how the baby was a product of her affair with my ex. She disabled her comments and I kept getting DM’s about how I should, "stop being so negative." Apparently infidelity is not frowned upon these days. FML
Today, I caught my son and my wife’s daughter “experimenting” with each other’s privates. They’re not blood related and they are teenagers, so it’s maybe not too bad, but they’ve been raised together since they were roughly about 5 years-old, so it’s still too weird to really understand. FML
Today, my daughter’s sleepwalking has been so bad that none of us has slept more than a few hours a night in weeks. We took her to a pediatrician, who referred her to a sleep clinic for children that has no openings for 6 months. My boyfriend is convinced my house is haunted, scaring the other kids. FML
Today, I saw that the man who got me pregnant, and swore that if I kept it he'd run away to Asia, and his new girlfriend announced their pregnancy on social media. They both seem to be very happy. FML
Today, my husband was surprised to learn that I am planning on celebrating our daughter's first day at school. He is now pissed that we did not "decide on this together." Who doesn't celebrate their child's first school day? FML
Today, my daughter admitted that she doesn’t have any friends at her elementary school. When I asked her why, she said it was because whenever she talks to any of the other kids, she gets punched in the face. FML
Today, I tried out for cheerleading. The judges, two head cheerleaders, sized me up, burst out laughing and made fat jokes towards me. I fought back and called them, "twiggy fucking sluts." At that moment, the coach walked in and saw and reported me to the principal. The judges got off scott free. FML
Today, I asked my husband if it was a good time to think about having kids. His response was, "ABSOLUTELY FUCKING NEVER." I’ve always wanted to be a mom and he knows that. I feel like I’ve wasted my life. FML
Today, my son threw a temper tantrum and told me I “should have aborted him” and threatened to run away from home. Why? Because I nicely asked him to share his french fries with his sister. My son is 17. FML
Today, my mom walked in on me crying in my room and yelled at me for being a "weak little crybaby." I’d just found out my best friend died in a car accident. When I told my mom that, she said, "Does it look like I fucking care?" FML
Today, I have discovered that my daughter is struggling with anorexia. When I sat down to talk with her about it, she said it’s because, "all the other kids at school keep calling her fat." She was underweight before, and has now gone to being severely underweight. FML
Today, I'd always suspected my mother-in-law hated me. My suspicions were confirmed when I went to pick up my son from her house after work. She smiled smugly and let me know that he’d been asleep since noon. It’s after 5. He’s never going to get back to sleep now. FML
Today, despite a condom, an IUD, and my boyfriend getting a vasectomy, I still managed to get pregnant. It was my first and only time having sex and I don’t want kids, ever. FML
Today, I discovered that apparently my six-year-old daughter actually believes that the United States is the only country with advanced technology. FML
Today, my brother told me that wanting a break by having one evening away from my son makes me look like a really bad mother. My son is three and hasn't been babysat since he was an infant, and I've been a single mum for the last 8 months. I just wanted some time to recharge. FML
Today, I woke up to my lovely 16-month old with her diaper on. When I stood up to retrieve and toss it, I also realized she'd pooped into her hand and thrown a log onto the middle of the floor. FML
Today, I accidentally broke one of my mom’s favorite glasses while she was away. My dad saw and offered to tell her instead that he broke it, because, "let’s face it, if she knew it was you, she’d shove the glass shards down your fucking throat." FML
Today, I tried to sneak in at 2 a.m. after going out, since I'm 16, but I tripped over a pair of slippers and landed flat on my face. My body fell quietly, but I let out a very loud and guttural, "Oof." After about a minute, I lifted my face to see my mom standing over me. I'm now grounded for 3 days. FML
Today, my mother called me "wasteful" because I left the refrigerator door open and that "electricity money doesn’t grow on trees." This is the same person who lets my little sister have her light on all night, because she’s scared of the dark. FML
Today, I'm at the ER because my 13-year-old nephew ate an aromatic candle that smelled like chocolate. He saw it on my dresser and actually though it was chocolate. FML
Today, my mother told me to my face that if she could do it all over again, she wouldn't have had kids. Thanks, Mum. It's not like I asked to be born. FML
Today, I asked my 13-year-old son if he thought he was mature enough for a talk about "the birds and the bees." His response was, "They fly, so what? Why would I care?" FML
Today, I had my husband’s family over. Our adopted 4 year-old daughter drew a cute card and gave it to me saying, "Happy Mother’s Day mommy! I love you." My mother-in-law scoffed, "She’s infertile and not even your real mom, but ok." Now our daughter won’t stop asking all sorts of questions. FML
Today, since my daughter refuses to eat any kind of soup whatsoever, I asked her "What are you gonna do when you’re on a date?" She replied with, "Uh...not order soup?" FML
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