By sadie - 13/3/2021 23:01

They're all eggheads to me

Today, my daughter once again called my boyfriend by the name of an ex-boyfriend. She always does this and she claims it’s because they’re all bald. Can she not remember their very distinct faces? FML

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604

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Love

Kids

Awkward

Dementia or hate? You decide

Lockdown blues

Boozehound alert

By mooseknuckle - United States

Today, I realized that the closest thing I have to a savings account is the cup on my dresser with coins in it. I counted it, $17.34. That is my savings. I'm 28. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Virginia Beach

Today, I went to college, where I'm studying for my dream job. Despite getting up at 5am to catch the earliest bus into town, I arrived ten minutes late. My professor knows my circumstances, but is still threatening to kick me off the course if I don't "arrive on time like everyone else." FML

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43745

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By beavis - United States

Today, my brother and I were standing at the baggage claim, waiting for our luggage to come out. We were commenting on all the bags that appeared, and when two large hiking packs came out I exclaimed "What kind of cunts go backpacking in New York?" The old couple standing next to us, apparently. FML

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8588

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By Anonymous - United States - Brighton

Today, I had to sneak out of work early to pick my 14-year-old son up from school. He and a friend had been found covered in Astroglide, racing each other down the corridor on their bellies. My boss noticed my absence from work, and now my son and I are both on suspension. FML

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By Anonymous - Belgium

Today, I was babysitting a 7 year-old brat. He refused to eat his vegetables, so I forbade him from playing until they were finished. He stomped off upstairs, so I let him cool off for a couple of minutes. When I went upstairs, he had taken scissors to all of his mother's clothes. FML

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By Crystal - United Kingdom

Today, I showed my fiancé the darling Tinkerbell hoodie I'd bought myself during the weekend. Instead of liking it as I'd hoped, he told me my childish wardrobe was embarrassing, and he wasn't going to be seen in public with me until I wore something different. FML

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By TwiceDaily,Kids - United States

Today, my girlfriend got pissed when I told her she needed to brush her teeth more than once a day. I could smell her breath from across the bed. FML

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By sadphonegirl - Canada - Brampton

Today, I remember that I changed my phone lock password when I was still half asleep this morning, but I don't remember what I changed it to. FML

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By Fox - United States

Today, while driving extremely fast on a road in the middle of nowhere, I started to go down a hill. Noticing a police car at the bottom, I slammed my brakes and blew a tire in the process. It turns out the police car was an old cutout used to trick people. FML

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By jf29 - United States

Today, I drunkenly buried my girlfriend's recently deceased cat. Later she asked to see it and came back inside crying. It turns out I didn't bury it completely and its two back legs were poking out of the dirt. FML

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By holler - Japan

Today, I had my parents over at my new apartment. As I was telling them how quiet and peaceful my new place is, we could hear my neighbors talking nasty to each other before launching into a full-blown sex ordeal. FML

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33022

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my roommate showed me that her pepper spray had expired, so I decided to test it on myself. It worked. FML

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10266

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By sissica - United States

Today, when my husband got home from work, I was standing in the kitchen, wearing nothing but stilletos. He asked me to make him hot chocolate. FML

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61077

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By Philip - Australia

Today, my roommate told me that when he takes a shower he likes to swipe the bar of soap in between his butt cheeks, "like a credit card." I use that soap on my face. FML

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By Wanderlei Santos - 9/7/2020 14:03

Deep ink

Today, I'm going to get my first tattoo. Too bad it's inside my colon so the surgeon can mark the section to remove. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - El Paso

Today, while at the beach, my son needed to pee. I told him to pee in the ocean. He took off his pants and peed from the beach to the water. FML

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20500

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By ? - United States

Today, while I was in confession, I was saying my sins and the priest called me a "pain in the ass." FML

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40529

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By bruised - Australia - Sydney

Today, while playing hockey, one of my teammates decided to swing her hockey stick like a golf club. She missed the ball, but managed to hit me right in the vagina. FML

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14215

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By Not dying. - United Kingdom - Watford

Today, I started getting really bad chest pains at work. I googled it and the internet convinced me I was having a heart attack. Scared for my life, I started to dial for an ambulance when I let out the biggest fart you could ever imagine. Turns out it was trapped gas. FML

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28939

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By ewww - United States - Seattle

Today, I accidentally decoded the system my parents use for talking about sex while I'm around. It's a substituion cipher, using literary references. As they're both lit. professors, this has me perpetually grossed-out and wondering, "Are they really talking about Anne Frank, or anal fisting?" FML

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28847

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By Anonymous - United States - Downey

Today, my bathroom flooded. I frantically cleaned my apartment as fast as I could before the plumber arrived. Everything was finally clean when I let him in. It wasn't until after he finished that I noticed I'd left my anal beads in the shower. There's no way he didn't notice. FML

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By Pfff - France

Today, I argued with a boy from school over a girl. I didn't know he was a black belt judoka. I'm still in pain. FML

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23345

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By Fuperman - France - Illange

Today, I went on my first ever assisted skydive. I fainted after we jumped, and only came to as we touched the ground. FML

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49587

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By Roxas - United States

Today, I got a parking ticket in the mail. I don't have a car. FML

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By Anonymous - 9/4/2021 13:00 - United Kingdom

Stay at home, especially you

Today, I got tested positive for coronavirus, caught from my antivax neighbor who doesn't understand personal space. She calls herself a "Doctor", so "knows best." She has a PhD in psychology. FML

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By Beardedlady - United States - Madison

Today, my mom told me that I need to shave my beard because it's getting too long. This wouldn't be so bad if it weren't for the fact that I'm a woman. FML

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2544

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By ouchh - United States

Today, I got out of the shower to find my cat staring up at me. Apparently my swinging penis looks like a cat toy to her, so she jumped up and clawed and tried to bite it. FML

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By Virginia6810

Christmas is canceled

Today, I got an email that my Amazon account was probably hacked, and they have gone ahead and canceled all orders that seemed suspicious. Two days ago I was celebrating that I'd finished Christmas shopping early. Never mind. FML

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1674

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By lame - United States

Today, for our 2-year anniversary, I bought my girlfriend a beautiful $400 necklace. She bought me a pink $5 shirt of Elton John riding a piano through space. FML

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By Jesusman

Today as I helped my boss set up catering at our café, she was stressing about having enough time for everything when the DJ chimed in with "Why don't you ask him to help?" It got awkwardly quiet as they looked at me and he realized I was a girl. Then he tried saying "by him, I mean Jesus". FML

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By CanWeAllGetOne - United States - Houston

Today, I realized how amazing I've become at faking orgasms: I made up everything from the noises of my juices to pure, blissful climax over the phone to my husband. He came; I finished putting laundry away. FML

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By biggmouth - United States

Today, my teacher was giving a lecture about human genetics and how they are passed on to children. She projected a large picture of a baby on to the screen in the front of the room. I then joked about how this ugly baby must have some very unattractive parents. It was her baby. FML

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By nerdywaitress - United States - Greensboro

Everyday sexism

Today, I started training as a bartender. My very first client told me how his wife is sleeping with her sister's husband. He then told me that all the women he knows only want sex, and asked me why "we" were like that. He could be my dad. FML

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By Juiced - United States - Denver

Today, my boyfriend excitedly showed me his new juicer, and used up all the fruit in the house making new concoctions. It was adorable until later on, in the middle of getting frisky, he asked if we could go to the grocery store to buy more fruit. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada - Dartmouth

Today, I overheard my dad say "Last time I didn't use a condom, I ended up with Steven, so for god's sake use 'em." I'm Steven. FML

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43643

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By drastech99 - United States

Today, my wife got so upset I didn't hold her while Snooki from Jersey Shore was crying, that after the episode was done she locked herself in our room crying. Now I have to sleep on the floor of my living room. Thanks Snooki. FML

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By crazyautio - United States

Today, while at work, a lady with a mustache came in and told me she was lost. I was happy to help, but could not stop rubbing my nose due to allergies. As she left she said, "I know I have a mustache you little ass" and stormed out. FML

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By Jssceli09 - United States

Today, my boyfriend and I were using our skype accounts for the first time. He went to the restroom and I thought that I'd surprise him with my clothes off for when he came back. I heard him walk back into the room so I got into position. It wasn't him. It was his mom. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Rio Rancho

Today, i was trying to be sexy and sent my new bf a nude. Before we started dating I had hooked up with three of his friends which he was super insecure about. Somehow I accidentally sent it to a group chat which included five different people besides us. All of those friends were in it. FML

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By independant - United States - Corvallis

Today, my son turned 18. He now calls me by my first name instead of "dad" and refuses to stop. FML

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Top comments

By core01 | 30

#7978260 - Sunday 14 March 2021 4:07

How many men do you have revolving through your daughters life? "She always"... as if this has happened with multiple men you've dated.

By kodemonki | 4

#7978214 - Saturday 13 March 2021 23:44

Prosopagnosia is a thing!

COMMENTS

By kodemonki | 4

#7978214 - Saturday 13 March 2021 23:44

Prosopagnosia is a thing!

By RichardPencil | 30

#7978226 - Sunday 14 March 2021 1:01

Once you see the bald head, you don't notice anything else.

By Rodville | 28

#7978233 - Sunday 14 March 2021 1:14

Maybe the kid liked the old one better.

By Regis Bent | 9

#7978244 - Sunday 14 March 2021 1:52

Depends of the age, if she's farely young it could be an accident; if she's getting older, like close to 10 she could be trying to mess with you and the guy.

By core01 | 30

#7978260 - Sunday 14 March 2021 4:07

How many men do you have revolving through your daughters life? "She always"... as if this has happened with multiple men you've dated.

bleachedraven | 11

#7978284 - Sunday 14 March 2021 8:35

damn 😆

By Glitterbaby2613 | 18

#7978506 - Monday 15 March 2021 6:07

who cares if she gets the name wrong just as long as you don't 🤣🤣🤣

By swimlime | 1

#7978821 - Tuesday 16 March 2021 8:16

From the sounds of your post, you bring home lots of new guys. Maybe respect your daughter enough to quit bringing them home until you know for sure it'll last. She probably has a decent reason for being petty(if that truly is the case)