ALL FML

By dirtbikeguy - 23/07/2015 13:05 - United States - Chicago

Today, I had a dream about a giant spider crawling around in my mouth. I woke up to find that dreams sometimes do come true. FML

agreeclassic 31 211

vote type 1 1 988

By Anon - 23/07/2015 11:53 - United States - Sacramento

Today, I spent $70 on party supplies for my sister's bachelorette party, another hour decorating, three hours baking and designing a cake, before waiting five hours to hear that she and another bridesmaid had 'moved' the party elsewhere. Cake anyone? FML

agreeclassic 31 589

vote type 1 1 935

By Skoff - 23/07/2015 09:44 - Australia - Rydalmere

Today, I went out to inspect the backyard. There are now more than two dozen spiders hanging out and webs crossing from one side of the yard to the other. I have decided to surrender this territory. FML

agreeclassic 26 118

vote type 1 2 949

By skyllabeauty1234 - 23/07/2015 03:18 - United States - San Francisco

Today, I am probably the only person in the world who can manage to pull a muscle in their neck while brushing their teeth. FML

agreeclassic 24 249

vote type 1 2 723

By sucked_in - 23/07/2015 02:32 - Australia - Perth

Today, whilst vacuuming, I stupidly decided to vacuum the bathroom drain to see what would happen. Turns out it will cause stinking septic water to get sucked into the machine and spew all over the walls, ceiling and vanity. It also causes the vacuum cleaner to stop working. FML

agreeclassic 10 753

vote type 1 38 002

By Anonymous - 22/07/2015 20:12 - United States - San Francisco

Today, my mom told me that she heard me and my best friend in my room grunting and talking about how hard we were. She said she loved me and accepted me no matter what. Thanks mom, but we were working out. FML

agreeclassic 27 245

vote type 1 5 763

Prank culture has gone too far

By qhorin halflung - 22/07/2015 17:35

Today, on the bus, my blood sugar level got too low and I passed out. When I came to, the woman next to me was hitting me, saying she needed to get off and that she didn't have time for my, "stupid fucking prank." FML

agreeclassic 31 509

vote type 1 2 182

By Anonypiss - 22/07/2015 16:21 - Canada - Pembroke

Today, I was taking a piss at a urinal when a fly started harassing me. I got so annoyed, I tried to swat it. Didn't go too well. I ended up losing control of my stream, soaking the guy beside me. He busted my face in. FML

agreeclassic 17 650

vote type 1 26 693

By thebiteof87 - 22/07/2015 06:32 - Australia - Melbourne

Today, I was reading a picture storybook to a kindergarten kid. She could pronounce more words than me, and corrected me. I'm about triple her age. FML

agreeclassic 15 780

vote type 1 26 963

By Anonymous - 22/07/2015 06:18

Today, a girl with a picture of One Direction as her desktop asked if I wanted to partner with her on a 70% law assignment. Two hours after saying no, I found out that she's a legal genius with a guaranteed job in the field and a near perfect GPA. FML

agreeclassic 12 096

vote type 1 52 847

By okay - 22/07/2015 04:58 - United States - Woodstock

Today, a customer complained he never got his sandwich, even though I put it in the oven, dressed it up and served it to him. When I went to clear his table off, I saw the sandwich basket. We had to give him his money back. FML

agreeclassic 27 615

vote type 1 2 329

Leave me alone

By Quortney - 22/07/2015 04:20 - United States

Today, I was working at the local grocery store and a customer of mine, who had only bought two granola bars and was holding up my line, tried to convert me to Christianity. Out of all the people to target, she chose the shy atheist who just wanted to do her minimum wage job in peace. FML

agreeclassic 27 652

vote type 1 3 076

By geek - 22/07/2015 03:02 - United States - Lynnwood

Today, I had to explain to my boss that DVI ports are not the same as HDMI ports. When I showed him the HDMI cable, he said, "Oh! You mean USB!" He's an engineering manager. FML

agreeclassic 26 772

vote type 1 1 784

By Anonymous - 22/07/2015 01:35 - United States - San Francisco

Today, my brother told me to, "Stop bitching and get over it" after I complained of pain from my stomach after invasive surgery. This from the guy who spends multiple hours a day playing Halo and whining about the stupid ways he got killed. FML

agreeclassic 25 816

vote type 1 2 084

By Anonymous - 21/07/2015 17:50 - India - Bangalore

Today, I was trying to work out, and couldn't even complete an exercise regime meant for 50-year-olds. I'm 24. FML

agreeclassic 24 919

vote type 1 8 293

By AdamTB - 21/07/2015 17:45 - United States

Today, I attended a new class at college. It was a class to help people with Asperger's adjust to college, which my parents pushed me into taking. It was incredibly condescending and insulting, and it felt like a class for preschoolers. My parents won't let me drop the class. FML

agreeclassic 26 908

vote type 1 3 050

AdamTB app_comment_confession_title

AdamTB 26

Wednesday 22 July 2015 0:59

Huh, surprised this got published. Anyway, a lot of the comments are about me just taking control and dropping it and that’s probably not going to change, so I’ll just comment the reason why I haven’t now. Due to my Asperger’s, my parents feel like I am not self-sufficient and I cannot make my own decisions. Naturally, this is completely false. However, due to college being ungodly expensive, I’m living with them until I can become financially stable. Now then, onto the problem. Dropping the class is a great idea in theory, but that’s not going to happen in practice. Trust me, if I could then I would. If I drop the class, my parents will definitely know. They will then proceed to, for lack of a better phrase, bitch me out for dropping it without consulting them (which I have done, and they refused to let me drop it). They are not abusive, but can be relentless and admittedly scary at times. I’d rather take a demeaning class than have to deal with them. Does that sound like a childish reason? If it does, I don’t blame you. I’ve always been constantly told that I’m mentally and emotionally a few years behind normal people. Sometimes, I don’t know whether to believe it or not. Regardless, my best option is to just move forward with the class no matter what happens. Also, this is probably going to be brought up so I’ll just talk about it now: no, I cannot move out. They will not let me as they do not believe I could survive by myself yet. Even if I were to just run away and move out, I still don’t have the finances to buy a even an apartment room and continue with college.

By father-in-nope - 21/07/2015 15:17 - United States - San Francisco

Today, my boyfriend's dad helped me put coolant in my car. When I said I wished I could do something in return, he told me to get an abortion so I wouldn't "ruin" his son's life. When I told my boyfriend, he didn't believe me. FML

agreeclassic 29 469

vote type 1 2 776

By UnfortunatelySingle - 21/07/2015 06:15 - United States - Portland

Today, I wanted to text my girlfriend but lately we'd been at a loss for things to talk about. I thought, "Come on, she's your girlfriend, what's the worst that could happen." One hour and twenty two minutes later, I was single. FML

agreeclassic 28 460

vote type 1 3 395

Get it done

By actionboy116 - 21/07/2015 06:05 - United States - Saint Paul

Today, while working as a cart attendant, I found one of my coworkers on a lawn chair sipping on a Bud Light in the parking lot, while we both were supposed to be working, leaving me to push carts by myself. My boss comes out to me catching my breath and tells me to work harder. FML

agreeclassic 27 562

vote type 1 1 997

By failingyetagain - 20/07/2015 22:17 - United Kingdom - Barrow Upon Soar

Today, I was doing my first shift waitressing in a café. Not an hour in, I'd already spilt tea over somebody and dropped two whole meals. Looks like this won't last much longer. FML

agreeclassic 24 339

vote type 1 4 527

By I did them anyway - 20/07/2015 22:01 - New Zealand

Today, my flatmate asked me to wash the large pile of dishes on the bench, and if I would start on cleaning the house which was a total mess. This would have been fine if I hadn't just walked in after being away for a week. FML

agreeclassic 26 059

vote type 1 2 189

By simply_meeeee - 20/07/2015 15:10 - United States - Glen Carbon

Today, after hours of waiting in line, I finally met my favorite band. After posing for a picture, I looked at my phone to find that instead of taking a picture with me and the band, my friend took selfies. FML

agreeclassic 33 782

vote type 1 2 987

simply_meeeee app_comment_confession_title

simply_meeeee 26

Tuesday 21 July 2015 2:06

I'm surprised mine got published! And yeah, I was furious with her. Consider her unfriended!

By mrsmahdi - 20/07/2015 14:29 - United States - San Francisco

Today, I was fired from my dream job for being pregnant. Apparently, you can't teach children while growing one inside you. FML

agreeclassic 34 612

vote type 1 2 446

mrsmahdi app_comment_confession_title

mrsmahdi 12

Monday 20 July 2015 20:04

They fired me in a clever way by telling me they didn't have anything for me to teach and that me going on maternity leave was too hard on the students I had so someone else was doing my classes. So I was not officially fired so much as pushed out and replaced

By lissabobissa - 20/07/2015 07:32 - United States - San Francisco

Today, the AC broke at work. I work in a hotel and every single guest asked me if I knew how hot it was in the lobby. It was 96 degrees for 7 hours. I definitely knew. FML

agreeclassic 27 729

vote type 1 1 754

lissabobissa app_comment_confession_title

lissabobissa 18

Monday 20 July 2015 22:41

Hello everyone! OP here. Anyways, it was pretty funny after a while how all the guests kept trying to make small talk about the heat while I was visibly sweaty and annoyed (attractive, I know.) Luckily we have a shuttle and I periodically just went out and sat in it for a few minutes with the AC blasting in my face so it helped a little. Also, my boss called in a technician the next day who fixed it. Hopefully it doesn't happen again because it was horrible and having to wear long sleeves, a vest, and a tie as the uniform didn't help! :(