Today, I have to look after my best friend's parrot for a few... - FML

By Anonymous - 9/6/2016 19:39 - Germany - Munich

Today, I have to look after my best friend's parrot for a few days. One minute out of the room, I came back in to find out that the parrot had taught my three-year-old the word "slut". Now the two won't stop screaming "slut" throughout the whole house. My wife thinks both learned the word from me. FML

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By mazey93 - 9/12/2016 19:14 - United Kingdom - Newport

Today, I passed out on the way to work. Some lucky passerby took this as an opportunity to help themself to my purse. FML

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By omgwhyme - 8/1/2012 14:36 - United States

Today, my boyfriend asked me for a blow job. After I said "no" over ten times, he decided to get up and slap me across the face with his penis. FML

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By disguested - 4/3/2010 20:01 - United States

Today, after threatening my son for weeks that if he didn't clean his room, I would, I went in, equipped with a garbage bag, ready to throw away everything I found, only to discover dozens of empty bottles, two partially empty pizza boxes, Taco Bell wrappers, and cockroaches. FML

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By doomed - 11/2/2015 00:00 - United States - Seattle

Today, my husband recited to me the name and model number of every single weapon in the game Doom, along with what they did and roughly where to find them. Last month, he forgot my birthday. We've been married for 6 years; he hasn't played Doom in at least 10. FML

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By Anonymous - 19/12/2012 17:19 - Australia - Perth

Today, my friend and I decided to go skinny-dipping in her pool just after we'd finished watching a scary movie. While we were in the pool, I heard something move in the bushes so I freaked out and ran onto the deck, slipping and falling flat on my back. Her dad saw the whole thing. FML

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By pain in my gums - 27/2/2017 11:30 - Canada - St. John's

Today, I went to the dentist to get my wisdom teeth removed. The surgeon took a better X-ray to see what he was dealing with before he got started. When he came back into the room, he started to laugh and told me it was my lucky day because in the X-rays he found 2 big extra wisdom teeth. FML

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By proteinboy - 16/11/2009 03:00 - United States

Today, I waited for 20 minutes to get a cab outside grand central station in New York (it was raining). Finally, to my relief, I found a cab but when I got in I let a little fart slip. Two minutes later the cabby kicked me out of his cab because I stunk. FML

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By meow - 16/7/2019 18:30

Today, I found out my boss hired literally the only person in this town who is an ex-boyfriend. I also work with my current boyfriend. FML

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By toobroketoprotest - 16/8/2019 20:00

Today, I found out that the higher-ups aren’t letting us use the break room anymore, so guess it’s back to eating lunch in my car while it’s 100°F outside. FML

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By nadette - 25/5/2009 16:43 - United States

Today, my girlfriend broke up with me. She told me that her father didn't approve of me and forced her out of the relationship. Her father died 2 years ago. FML

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By peopleinthepark - 30/5/2009 14:46 - United States

Today, it was beautiful out. I decided to play guitar at the park near my house. I left my guitar case open, asking not for money but for feedback. I got two pieces of paper with feedback: 1) You're fat. 2) Get a life. FML

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By nobieb - 20/8/2013 16:28 - Canada - Welland

Today, I found out that while having a GPS tracker in your car is helpful for tracking down car thieves, it's also helpful to your psycho ex, who can use it to track you down. FML

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By Anonymous - 28/12/2012 04:31 - United States

Today, my girlfriend donated most of my book collection because she got me a Kindle for Christmas. Some were signed, including my Harry Potters. FML

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By - 27/1/2017 02:00

Today, I saw my little brother drink from the milk carton, gag, and spit the milk back in. FML

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By Trey Deluna - 3/12/2010 17:12 - United States

Today, my mother asked me to drill a hole in one of the studs in her ceiling. Finding it a little odd, I asked her about it. It turns out she's installing the sex swing her boyfriend bought her, and I got to help. FML

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By JSterl - 2/1/2010 05:33 - United States

Today, our airplane was delayed because of issues with the de-ice-ing. Then, because it had too little fuel. Then, because of engine troubles. Then, because our first officer needed to be replaced due to legal restrictions on pilots' hours. Now, I get to go straight from the plane to work. FML

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By - 18/4/2019 02:00

Today, I found out I'm going to have to come into the office on yet another weekend to plow snow. This wouldn't be so bad, if I actually got paid to work weekends. FML

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By hahanosirr - 21/5/2011 20:02 - United States

Today, after three unsuccessful months of trying to make me orgasm, my boyfriend finally succeeded. It came from his car bumping up and down while we drove down a pot-holed road. FML

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By Anonymous - 21/1/2010 05:28 - Canada

Today, during an episode of King of Queens that my boyfriend has seen more than once, I decided I'd try to get a little frisky. I straddled him while he was on the bed and began taking my clothes of. He pushed me out of the way and said, 'don't get naked in front of the TV.' FML

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By Anonymous - 17/12/2010 17:08 - United States

Today, while on my honeymoon with my new wife, I tried to be romantic by installing a clapper to the lights in our room. As things progressed, the noise of our love making triggered the lights on and off repeatedly. She began to laugh and we ended up just calling it an early night. FML

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By Anonymous - 9/2/2010 06:12 - United States

Today, my boyfriend told my hamster he loved her. Repeatedly. In 'cute' baby voices. He has yet to tell me. FML

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By Anonymous - 3/9/2012 17:16 - United States - Pensacola

Today, I went out clubbing with a few friends. A cute guy pointed at me from the bar and motioned for me to come over. I was excited and did just that. Turns out he just wanted to ask me if I'd thought about seeing a doctor for my jaundice. No, I just overdid my spray tan. FML

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By Anonymous - 1/1/2016 10:08 - United States - San Antonio

Today, during a party, my drunk mother stumbled over to take a picture of me and my brother. She told me to put a party blower in my mouth for the picture, but I politely declined. She threatened to spank me in front of everyone if I didn't do it. FML

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By sniper foxeh - 29/7/2018 01:30

Today, my younger sister and I were camping when, during the middle of the night, she asked me if I could take her to the toilets as she was scared. I told her to go by herself or go behind the tent. Thirty seconds later, she peed on me. FML

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By Grindyloo - 5/5/2012 10:06

Today, my turtle, who had a little portion of the garden all to herself, died. My 5-year-old nephew wanted to "be like Mario" by jumping on her. FML

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By boobmilk - 8/3/2018 06:00 - United States - Hesperia

Today I left my 8-week-old with my brother so I could return to work. His wife took all the breast milk I'd packed out of the fridge and poured it out. According to her, it was “gross” and she didn’t want it near her food. My son is allergic to formula. FML

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By Sam Stuhlinger - 3/1/2019 20:00 - United States - Denver

Today, my friend with benefits that I was starting to like forgot my name in front of his friends when they asked who I was. We've known each other for at least a year. I think this means I'm just a benefit. FML

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By Nelson - 9/5/2011 15:05 - Sweden

Today, I was sitting on my balcony reading a book. My upstairs neighbors thought that would be a good time to water their flowers. I'm now drenched in water, as is my book. FML

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By Anonymous - 28/9/2009 21:00 - United States

Today, I learned that if you're going to tell your mother you are gay, make sure she isn't holding a frying pan filled with hot grease. FML

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By S4L - 2/7/2009 04:13 - France

Today, I had to take a leak, so I went into a porta-john. I noticed another man's hand under the door with a cell phone. Angered, I aimed my stream at his hand and phone. He tilted the porta-john over in response. It was full. FML

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By firehurts - 8/6/2015 23:38 - United States - Wallkill

Today, I threw a bonfire for my birthday. My boyfriend managed to set my leg on fire by throwing his liquor bottle into the fire. Happy birthday to me. FML

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By Anonymous - 18/7/2016 11:51 - Belgium

Today, my boss refused my resignation and acted like nothing had happened. FML

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By Anonymous - 27/8/2011 01:11 - United States

Today, I wrote "I love you" on my girlfriend's Facebook wall. She completely freaked out and accused me of being "too clingy" and that I'm starting to feel more like a stalker than a boyfriend. FML

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By mishie1 - 21/2/2012 12:44 - United States

Today, I received the first compliment from the opposite sex that I've gotten in months, from an elderly, cross-dressing man in the parking lot of Goodwill. Apparently my clothes look like they'd be "exciting to try on." FML

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By Anonymous - 14/7/2010 06:14 - United States

Today, I made brownies for my co-workers. My boss called me into his office, and I though he was going to compliment me on the baking. Instead, he talked about how his 5-year-old daughter can make brownies better than me. FML

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By Yellow an - 26/1/2015 22:19 - United States

Today, all day, in a huge blizzard, I've been stuck with a very nice, but very ugly, toothless and rather large and somewhat smelly woman, who has been continuously saying, "It feels like we're dating. Doesn't it feel like we're dating?" Ugh. No, no it doesn't. And please don't kill me. FML

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By anon. - 17/1/2012 23:41 - United States

Today, I found out if I refuse my boyfriend anything in public, he will continually yell out, "Penis!" until he gets his way. FML

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By ttsutaoka - 11/7/2009 07:43 - United States

Today, I was involved in a car accident. I wasn't the driver of either car. I happened to be a passerby that was hit by a falling stop sign as a car hit it. FML

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By Anonymous - 11/6/2009 13:24 - Australia

Today, I was about to go and take a shower when I saw a pair of scissors taped to the door at eye level with a note from my boyfriend saying "Time to trim that hairy thang down under." FML

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By Anonymous - 2/8/2009 01:29 - United States

Today, I planned a surprise birthday party for my boyfriend. I invited all his friend and made all his favorite food. He was running very late, so I called to ask what was taking so long. His response? He said he was at his house, with the very friends I was standing next to. FML

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Top comments

By drayloon | 50

#6625067 - Friday 10 June 2016 10:13

Having a child is basically like having another parrot

By UncleGrandpaw | 6

#6625065 - Friday 10 June 2016 10:07

why would your friend even teach his parrot to say that word?

COMMENTS

By UncleGrandpaw | 6

#6625065 - Friday 10 June 2016 10:07

why would your friend even teach his parrot to say that word?

Reply

MDoremis | 38

#6625077 - Friday 10 June 2016 10:53

Who said the friend even taught him that? The bird could have had a previous owner that taught it foul words, or even heard it when the tv was on and just started repeating it.

Reply

chuka81 | 27

#6625095 - Friday 10 June 2016 11:25

Because there's nothing funnier than a foul mouthed, cussing parrot. How else would you wear an eye patch and pretend you're a pirate if your parrot can't cuss?

Reply

doubledeckerbus | 15

#6625102 - Friday 10 June 2016 12:46

Parrots have to be taught words they can't just hear it and start saying it

Reply

xDrakeNinja | 12

#6625155 - Friday 10 June 2016 14:58

The real question is, who wouldnt?

Reply

janfleury | 19

#6625244 - Friday 10 June 2016 17:40

If a word or phrase is said in a manner that makes an impression on the parrot and that parrot is an African Gray it takes 1 time for it to learn the word. That is why our African Gray says "Damn it Henri".

Reply

cwade71 | 17

#6625551 - Saturday 11 June 2016 3:36

Yeah they can

By drayloon | 50

#6625067 - Friday 10 June 2016 10:13

Having a child is basically like having another parrot

By Popeye2341 | 13

#6625076 - Friday 10 June 2016 10:52

Why did the parrot even know the word slut in the first place?

Reply

thatweirdasian | 22

#6625206 - Friday 10 June 2016 16:46

The same way parrots can pick up any other word. T.V., radio, people, etc.

By james_logan | 19

#6625085 - Friday 10 June 2016 11:10

Why is it that the husband always gets blamed? Down with sexism! Up with Masculinism!

Reply

thatweirdasian | 22

#6625213 - Friday 10 June 2016 16:55

What's this got to do with sexism? It's whether the parrot had taught the word to the child, or the husband did. Unless the parrot's a female human being, then I'm missing something her, lol.

Reply

emeraldarcher74 | 30

#6625217 - Friday 10 June 2016 17:03

Yes! Because, like all things, this issue roots back to sexism solely! No other factors at play here. None at all!

*sarcasm*

Reply

james_logan | 19

#6625245 - Friday 10 June 2016 17:40

Why don't people know when I'm joking? =(

Reply

thatweirdasian | 22

#6625303 - Friday 10 June 2016 19:05

Haha, sorry! I take back what I said :)

Reply

Dale_shackleford | 13

#6625353 - Friday 10 June 2016 20:25

Because sadly, there are a lot of people that would say that sort of thing seriously.

By LiliK_fml | 21

#6625094 - Friday 10 June 2016 11:20

Why didn't your friend teach it something useful like; "Help! He turned me into a parrot!"

By rockeditionbarbi | 14

#6625115 - Friday 10 June 2016 13:48

Get your own back. Teach the parrot worse words

Reply

purple_bunnies | 20

#6625348 - Friday 10 June 2016 20:16

That would be a bad idea with a 3-year old around to overhear and repeat them as well

By zmanryan4 | 4

#6625120 - Friday 10 June 2016 14:00

Parrot and child 1
Parents 0
Telling your friend what happen: priceless

By SSJ4Asterisk | 5

#6625147 - Friday 10 June 2016 14:45

Tell her that the parrot is really saying "salt", but it has a thick accent.

By bella_nana347 | 23

#6625164 - Friday 10 June 2016 15:19

plot twist: this is the same op from the post before this and this is why his wife is kicking him out

By trucker2 | 33

#6625181 - Friday 10 June 2016 16:05

Kind of funny- my brothers parrot talks with a Lisp.. And sounds just like his wife..