Work: Today, I learned that the three secretaries at work make spreadsheets... - FML

Nearly

01/10/2021 22:55

Today, I just had the best sex in all my life. After that, my ex-girlfriend dumped me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 15

You deserved it 2

28/09/2021 01:05

Today, I found out my dog of 11 years has very severe cancer. Her spleen, which has swollen to the size of a football, had a small rupture a day ago and would fatally within a week, we'll be putting her down tomorrow. FML

I agree, your life sucks 81

You deserved it 5

Spicy

Spicy

Weird flex, but OK

By Anonymous - 17/10/2021 08:01

Spicy

Today, I’m aware that comparing yourself too much to other people can make you unhappy. I now learned that the same goes for comparing yourself to objects. For example, between myself and the shared toilet in my student house, guess who has the most pubic hair? FML

I agree, your life sucks 350

You deserved it 92

Nice try, though

By Anonymous - 16/10/2021 20:00

Spicy

Today, I bought a $100 Victoria's Secret gift card for an ex who I still have a thing for, only to find out she started dating someone else a week ago. I just realized I bought lingerie for her to wear for someone else. FML

I agree, your life sucks 142

You deserved it 1 255

08/06/2016 10:40

Today, I learned that the three secretaries at work make spreadsheets about who uses the toilets, when and for how long, and then make bets on who will take the longest toilet break, who will use it the most often, etc. Now I constantly look at my watch whenever I use the toilets. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 708

You deserved it 1 255

BO Central

Another great day to be alive

Chill out, Ross

18/04/2015 16:45

Today, I went to the dentist for the first time in years. His first comment upon inspecting my teeth: "Meth. Hell of a drug." FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 943

You deserved it 11 556

09/03/2016 07:07

Today, my family informed me that we were going on a 10 hour road trip to my cousin's wedding. They only decided to tell me 45 minutes before we left for said road trip. FML

I agree, your life sucks 19 700

You deserved it 1 448

Romantic

By Anonymous - 14/12/2010 01:04

Today, my boyfriend thought it would be romantic to pick me up, throw me over his shoulder and take me to the bedroom. Little did he know that he literally threw me over his shoulder, and I face-planted on the ground. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 726

You deserved it 3 155

22/10/2013 14:24

Today, as a science teacher, I did a science experiment in front of a class. One of my students asked me if it was "photoshopped." He was being serious. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 550

You deserved it 3 196

Insurance is a scam

By Anonymous - 12/01/2021 05:01

Today, you’re required to have health insurance in my country. I have no income, I spend more on insurance than on food, yet most of the treatments that actually help me are not covered by the insurance. FML

I agree, your life sucks 908

You deserved it 67

20/08/2018 16:30

Today, a woman pulled out in front me and I couldn't avoid hitting her. When we pulled off on the side of the road to inspect the damage, she backed into me. My car is only a month old. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 044

You deserved it 141

23/10/2012 18:05

Today, I came home from college to find my favorite silk nightie that I had left behind being modeled by Bernie, the family dog. Nobody will admit to who put it on him. I don't know what's worse, that my family is a bunch of assholes, or that my nightie is big enough to fit a Saint Bernard. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 213

You deserved it 3 937

18/04/2009 18:09

Today, my blind friend bragged to a group of people that she knew all of us by smell. We all took turns standing in front of her, and she would tell us who we were. When I got in front of her, she thought I was my dog. FML

I agree, your life sucks 52 501

You deserved it 10 155

23/04/2014 02:46

Today, I finished building a porch I've worked hard on for the past 2 weeks, and I was very proud on how amazing it turned out. Within 20 minutes of it being completed, my pregnant dog decided to crawl underneath it to have her puppies. I had to take half the porch apart to get to her and them. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 116

You deserved it 5 491

30/12/2010 18:21

Today, my friend commented on my short skirt and, thinking she was being funny, tried to pull it down. I quickly moved away, causing it to come off in her hands. My shocked scream attracted the attention of at least a dozen bystanders. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 415

You deserved it 7 667

28/08/2014 10:31

Today, while walking to work, I found out what it feels like to be hit in the face by a rolled up newspaper thrown from the window of a moving car by a paper boy doing his rounds. It hit hard enough to give me a black eye. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 787

You deserved it 3 204

21/07/2019 14:12

Today, I got my hand caught in a belt sander while sanding down what was supposed to become a "Caution" sign. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 567

You deserved it 338

14/04/2011 06:59

Today, my boyfriend punched a hole in a door. This is on top of the broken handle, cracked sink top, dented fridge, and other holes in the wall he has also made. We are 4 months into our year lease. I don't think we are getting our $720 deposit back. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 596

You deserved it 18 820

05/11/2009 10:12

Today, I got a call from the guy I have been seeing. I wasn't him. It was his wife wondering why I have her husband's number. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 060

You deserved it 6 405

08/01/2011 20:15

Today, I called my boyfriend for a romantic night at home. I put on my hottest little dress, dimmed the lights, and put music on. My boyfriend stumbled in much later, drunk, and took one look at me before throwing up on my feet. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 733

You deserved it 4 128

31/03/2013 06:24

Today, my neighbours came to yell at me as they could hear my "shit music" through my window during the afternoon, so I turned it off. They then began to play their definition of "quality music" into the late hours of the night. I was listening to the Beatles. They blasted Nicki Minaj. FML

I agree, your life sucks 58 143

You deserved it 5 531

29/03/2017 12:00

Today, a friend of mine asked me to take him to a city about an hour away to pick up his firefighter uniforms. When we arrived, he was told that his uniforms had been shipped to the station he works at. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 497

You deserved it 401

15/06/2012 23:31

Today, I visited my new doctor for the migraines I've been getting lately. Right from the start, I could have sworn the guy was on drugs. He just listened to my heartbeat, said, "Well Dave, it sounds like gallstones" and said they'll pass naturally. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 582

You deserved it 1 927

02/12/2016 06:55

Today, my boyfriend told me, with complete confidence, that he's selected "drug dealer" as his career of choice. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 057

You deserved it 1 108

13/10/2012 22:25

Today, for the second week in a row, my brother woke me up in the small hours of the morning begging me to help him figure out the math problem to turn off his phone's stupid-ass app alarm. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 416

You deserved it 1 947

09/07/2015 20:41

Today, I was late for work, so I grabbed my handbag, my sports bag and ran out. The bus arrived at the stop just as I did, so I hopped on and sat down, trying to catch my breath. I dumped my bags onto my knees and looked down to see my cat, staring back at me from inside my sports bag. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 332

You deserved it 3 646

26/11/2011 15:09

Spicy

Today, before my girlfriend gave me a blow job, she put on goggles. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 509

You deserved it 17 084

16/03/2014 03:46

Today, I was walking and saw a quarter. I bent down to pick it up. Barely a foot ahead there was another, so I crawled over to get it. This continued for about six feet when I realize a kid was laying them out in a trail. I had collected 7 fake quarters and the kid had it on video. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 701

You deserved it 21 851

Orwellian nightmare

By anonymous - 24/10/2014 13:47

Today, while reading "1984" on the train, a cute guy around my age and I got into a great a discussion about the book. Just when I thought he might ask for my number, he got up, patted me on the head and said it's so nice that kids my age still took interest in real literature. I'm 25. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 114

You deserved it 3 266

Bad Day for a Good Boy

By Dakota - 28/09/2017 04:30

Today, on my way home from work, I went to the car wash. When the spray jets hit the car, my dog jumped out of his crate, into the front seat, and onto a button lowering both back windows. I got both an exterior and interior wash. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 848

You deserved it 884

29/09/2013 19:21

Today, my girlfriend walked in on me taking a dump, and started plucking her eyebrows. When I told her I was uncomfortable, she said, "Aww, is my baby's poo shy? Is it, is it?" and pinched my cheek. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 329

You deserved it 7 620

19/07/2015 14:36

Today, I was at a professional tennis match. The ball was hit extremely hard, resulting in it going into the crowd. And when I say crowd, I mean my face. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 261

You deserved it 2 116

19/08/2010 06:15

Today, I found out my husband put a parental block on the TV so I couldn't rent a movie. I'm 42. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 962

You deserved it 8 468

12/06/2011 23:33

Today, I was having a nice dream in which a beautiful butterfly flew by me and got stuck in my hair, fluttering its wings against my neck. Then I woke up and realized the "butterfly" stuck in my hair was actually a giant wood roach. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 709

You deserved it 3 237

The Rupture

By oofouchmyvagooter - 06/10/2019 16:00

Spicy

Today, my boyfriend and I had sex for the first time in over a week, because I had been having weird cramps. Afterwards, I was experiencing the worst pain I’ve felt in my entire life, so we went to the ER. Turns out my cramping was from an ovarian cyst, and having sex made it rupture. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 317

You deserved it 181

27/11/2008 05:30

Today, I was in India. At the airport, the men and women were being searched separately. The guy welcoming us pointed me towards the women's area. I had to explain to him that I was a guy. It took 15 minutes. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 024

You deserved it 3 858

14/10/2017 04:30

Today, I went to the doctor to get my swollen lymph nodes checked. As it turns out, they aren't swollen. I'm just fat. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 904

You deserved it 888

03/01/2015 04:45

Today, my best friend showed me his New Year's Eve photos. Girls everywhere, booze flowing all over the place and all my friends were there. They still haven't realised that they didn't invite me. We've been friends for seven years. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 415

You deserved it 3 476

15/05/2017 02:00

Today, after I caught my husband cheating and lying, he had the nerve to claim it wasn't a big deal because, "I always come home to you!" FML

I agree, your life sucks 5 415

You deserved it 380

08/02/2011 12:48

Today, I was leaving school to get tested for peptic ulcers, because my stomach has been hurting for a few months. To wish me luck, one of my friends gave me a friendly punch in the stomach. I threw up blood. FML

I agree, your life sucks 49 704

You deserved it 3 145

03/05/2009 07:15

Today, I was taking a nap on the couch when my 2 year old daughter decided that daddy needed an ear cleaning. With all the grace of toddler-hood, she stabbed me in the eardrum with a Q-tip. Now I can't hear her coming. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 007

You deserved it 2 350

18/11/2009 15:09

Today, I thought my online boyfriend was calling me, so the first line I said was "Hey, Baby." His wife answered with, "This is Jenny. Who's this?" After speaking for thirty minutes, I found out he's married, fifty-eight, and has two kids. I'm seventeen. FML

I agree, your life sucks 15 943

You deserved it 70 977

Pranks are terrible

By Anonymous - 05/08/2021 23:01

Today, my sister threw my water bottle as a joke. When I stepped off the bleachers, my right foot lost its footing and my other foot followed. Now I have two sprained ankles at the same time. FML

I agree, your life sucks 568

You deserved it 45

13/12/2011 14:00

Today, as part of my job as a performer, I had to show off my skills with a switchblade in front of an audience. A kid shot a rubber band at me. I then needed stitches. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 053

You deserved it 3 116

30/03/2013 05:19

Today, I was on the toilet, when I noticed I could see my daughter dancing in the other room in the mirror, so I took a picture with my phone. After I uploaded it, people pointed out that I was visible in the picture, sitting on the toilet and smiling. FML

I agree, your life sucks 16 998

You deserved it 61 663

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Top comments

nonsensical 26

Wednesday 8 June 2016 18:20

Just stay there for 15 minutes one day, make them all lose their bets and give them a wink when you walk out

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Wednesday 8 June 2016 18:11

Join the office betting pool, and soon the pot will be overflowing. C'mon, the spreadsheets are simple toilet humor.

Comments

Ben14h 22

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Wednesday 8 June 2016 18:10

That's weirddddd

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Wednesday 8 June 2016 18:10

Sounds like a you problem. ?

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Thursday 9 June 2016 2:17

Sounds like you don't know basic English.

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Thursday 9 June 2016 2:41

Sound like someone is a bully. FML is wide known, and it's translated in all languages. So chill, mmm Kay? :-)

harbz 5

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Thursday 9 June 2016 6:07

Do you really not understand that phrase? You really shouldn't be talking about not understanding things.

EnJey0 19

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Sunday 14 August 2016 3:19

The app you're on is called "FML" (Fuck my life) so of course the person would be talking about a problem that only affects them

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Wednesday 8 June 2016 18:11

Join the office betting pool, and soon the pot will be overflowing. C'mon, the spreadsheets are simple toilet humor.

nonsensical 26

Wednesday 8 June 2016 18:20

Just stay there for 15 minutes one day, make them all lose their bets and give them a wink when you walk out

Send a private message

Wednesday 8 June 2016 18:20

typically Chinese -_- ( jokin' )

evilplatypus 38

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Wednesday 8 June 2016 18:42

I'm curious - is there some stereotype about Chinese and bathrooms that I'm not aware of?

rockeditionbarbi 14

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Wednesday 8 June 2016 18:48

Don't forget to wash your hands! ?

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Thursday 9 June 2016 5:28

People downvoting this comment probably haven't seen the other office bathroom FML "Today, my coworker cornered me in the office bathroom and insisted that, because she's been watching me, I use the bathroom too quickly and must not be washing my hands, and that I have to wash them from now on. FML"

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Thursday 9 June 2016 5:30

Maybe the aforementioned office worker wanted him to wash his hands so he would take longer so she would win the bet...

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Wednesday 8 June 2016 18:49

Hack into their computer and delete the file, or report them for basically invading yours and others privacy.

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Wednesday 8 June 2016 20:35

Jesus Christmas, you could just take random times in there to screw them over. But no, its either doing something illegal or dumping someone on here.

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Wednesday 8 June 2016 21:21

#8: "Excuse me HR professional, I'd like to report a crime" HR: "A crime? Sit down. Have you reported it to the police? What IS it?" #8: "The secretaries are invading my privacy. They are timing my poops. EVERYONE'S, actually. I tried hacking into their PCs and deleting their spreadsheets, but that didn't work." HR: "Wait. What? You are fired." #8: "Aren't you gonna call Archer?" HR: "Archer? WTF? No. You are fired"

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Wednesday 8 June 2016 21:38

Well, I did say "or report them" meaning they don't HAVE to get in the computer. Gosh, no one LISTENS to me!

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Wednesday 8 June 2016 22:09

Well, honestly, recording someones toilet time isn't really invading privacy is it...

olleekenberg 20

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Thursday 9 June 2016 0:49

#8 you are very wierd...

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Thursday 16 June 2016 22:18

Actually, it kind of is. It's really inappropriate to be monitoring someone's bathroom habits/times, it's none of their business. and it's certainly inappropriate to make friggin spreadsheets about the whole thing! Those three people crossed a line and should be reported for inappropriate behavior.

GirasolNegro 22

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Wednesday 8 June 2016 19:38

What boring lives they must lead if THAT'S how they have "fun!" Don't they have anything better to do, like I don't know... actually work?!

pumpkinpatch24 2

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Wednesday 8 June 2016 19:44

Boss makes a dollar, I make a dime. That's why I poop on the company time.

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Wednesday 8 June 2016 19:48

My dad supperviser do it too but he is a depatcher for the police so they have to but I agree one time go in there for 15 min and let them lost for once