Today, I took my new boyfriend's virginity about 10 minutes ago. He kept whispering, "It’s inside you, it’s actually inside you… feels kind of sticky, slippery, it’s actually inside you I can’t believe it.” It was super off-putting and a bit creepy. And no, I definitely did not orgasm. FML
Today, I, an extreme social introvert, who can’t stand being around people for more than 10 minutes, has just been diagnosed with an incurable brain disorder that will increasingly require other people to be around me to monitor me and run my life. All of which, to me, feels worse than having the disorder. FML
Today, I’m in hospital because a pub dart fell from the sky, seemingly from nowhere, and stuck itself in the top of my skull. I was walking my dog, I wasn’t near any trees or any high buildings it could have fallen from. If someone threw it from where I couldn’t see them, it was a very lucky shot. FML
Today, after four days without sleep, I took an entire bottle of melatonin gummies. Nothing happened. FML
Today, the car shop called me and told me an 8 year-old boy stole my car and wrecked it. FML
Today, I went to surprise my girlfriend, who was at work at Target, with flowers. I asked the employee at the entrance if she was there. When he asked who I was, his face lit up red and he started profusely apologizing, stating, “She told me you guys broke up.” before guiding me to her area. News to me. FML
Today, my wife is a tennis fan and is watching Wimbledon. I hate tennis, but she gets in a mood if I suggest we watch anything else. FML
Today, my father-in-law confessed during dinner that he watched me and my wife have sex that morning through the window. He even more awkwardly brought it back up later that evening to say I seemed very good at it, and tried asking for details about me and my wife’s sex life. FML
Today, I had sex with my boyfriend. When we finished, he mentioned that he made me queef. I didn’t have the heart to tell him I actually farted during sex. FML
Today, I received a text message from an unknown man. Apparently, after I proposed last week, she broke things off with him. I thought this affair message was a joke until he proved it by sending me photos of them together. She had told him that she was going to leave me for him, unless "I made up my mind." FML
Today, I found out my roommate gambled his portion of the rent money on Israel Adesanya. FML
Today, my husband and I were talking about possibly having a threesome. In his words, choosing a woman would be "a fun new experience for us to enjoy together." But choosing a man would be "forcing me to watch you cheat, and pretend that I'm okay with it." FML
Today, just before going into an test, I broke my glasses on the way to the exam room. I'm short sighted, and I spent an hour with my nose glued to the paper trying to figure out what was written on it. It was a opthalmology exam. FML
Today, my daughter ran up to an old man with a white beard and a red sweater because she thought he might be Santa. He was a homeless dude, drunk at 9 in the morning. He told her to either give him money or f**k off, then screamed at her that "Santa’s not real, grow up r*tard." She’s still crying FML
Today, my mom had me and my little brother make pancakes for breakfast. I had to let the dog out of the house to go do his business, so I had my little brother wait there and told him not to touch anything. I came back 5 minutes later, and there were cracked eggs in the almost-done batter. FML
Today, I woke up and saw my new car was gone and my son seemed very shifty. When I questioned him with the cops, he admitted to taking it for a joyride and "leaving it" behind a derelict mall. We drove over. It was wrapped around a light post, completely destroyed. FML
Today, I didn’t get a job as a teaching assistant because during my interview, in which I taught a class, I was rated as “not preparing adequate teaching materials in advance”, all because I didn’t provide my own A4 paper. I’m unemployed and the school expected me to buy classroom materials for them. FML
Today, after dating my girlfriend for a while, I had a realization. She often says things like, "You're my favorite!" and scratches my beard, which I appreciated affectionately. Upon meeting her pets, it dawned on me that I am just another one of her cats. FML
Today, I spent many hours applying for many scholarships. When the sites asked for my e-mail, to let me know if I'd won, I gave them my school e-mail, one that I often check. I then come to find out the school doesn't let e-mails from outside the school system be sent or received. Lost thousands of dollars as far as I know. FML
Today, I was playing Wii Sports Golf. At the start of the final hole, my cat happened to run right in my way and I accidentally hit him, in addition to the ball. To add insult to injury, the ball went in the water, and my cat fell and landed in his litterbox. FML
Today, I steeled my nerve, gritted my teeth, pulled my finger out, and asked our new coworker on a date. He looked at me weird, then said those four words, “But I’m not gay.” Five weeks we’ve worked together and all that time he thought I was a man. I’m a woman, born a woman, with a vagina. FML
Today, in the bus, my Gatorade bottle's badly screwed cap resulted in my Jello being ruined and yellow Gatorade poured all over myself, the seat, and the floor. It looks like I pissed myself, and I still have to go through a whole building where several of my colleagues live before making it home. FML
Today, my dad is freaking out because he thinks he's next on the list of targets the NYC CEO shooter has. Not because he himself is a healthcare-ruining CEO, but he's a pharmacist who gets death threats every week from patients he can't give medication to, due to insurance companies denying everything. FML
Today, my brother threw his Switch across the room and broke it. Our parents decided that, "Video games are bad!" and took away my Switch, as well as my gaming PC that I built and paid for myself. FML
Today, after patiently waiting to see my boyfriend for a month because he was overseas, I excitedly went to the airport to finally pick him up, only for him to walk straight past me to greet his friends. He didn't even bring back anything for me, but brought back a suitcase full of goodies for his friends. FML
Today, my wife asked for a divorce. Apparently, me being forced to work on her birthday and our anniversary 3 years in a row is the absolute limit she’s willing to put up with. FML
Today, I sent a reply-all email to my entire company that said "Go tit" instead of "Got it". FML
Today, my daughter would rather make payments on a payment plan for a $2000 Gucci purse, yet she refuses to move out and get a place on her own, or chip in for rent. She’s 29. FML
Today, I woke up to my girlfriend sobbing so I went over to comfort her. She didn't want to talk about it, but was inconsolable. I called her best friend to help out, as maybe it's easier for her to talk to a woman instead. I found out from her friend that my partner's ex got his new girlfriend pregnant. That's why. FML
Today, a man I matched with on a dating app told me I was very unattractive but he would let me blow him if I put something over my face and kept all my clothes on. How did I get so lucky? FML
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