Today, after dating my girlfriend for a while, I had a realization.... - FML

Today, after dating my girlfriend for a while, I had a realization. She often says things like, "You're my favorite!" and scratches my beard, which I appreciated affectionately. Upon meeting her pets, it dawned on me that I am just another one of her cats. FML

By Alan - 26/2/2016 07:17

Thessa's illustrated FML

Hey there! This week, the times they are a-changin'. No more rambling, just straightforward questions and answers. And more importantly,...

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By Jack / Sunday 10 January 2016 02:07 / United States

Body issues

Oh, hai!

Tonight, on Grey's Anatomy…

By Jordan - 30/4/2011 19:52 - United States

Today, my favorite song came on and I started playing the air guitar and head banging to it. I didn't realize just how close I was to the chair next to me and went face first into the metal back. FML

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By Anonymous - 20/9/2018 22:30

Today, I was headed towards the unisex bathroom at physical therapy when another patient looked up at me and quickly looked away. I knew instantly and prepared for the smell, but I wasn't expecting remnants still floating in the toilet. FML

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By Anonymous - 9/5/2019 18:00

Today, as a restaurant hostess, I fell into the fountain at work while carrying a high chair in front of several large parties, who all promptly laughed at me. We were so busy, I had to stay and finish my shift soaking wet. FML

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By sucks_brah - 25/12/2009 07:25 - United States

Today, my mom got drunk and decided to unwrap all my Christmas gifts and throw them at the wall. Ho, ho, ho. FML

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By becca - 21/8/2010 04:04 - United States

Today, I spent five minutes waiting by a stop sign. The two cars in front of me were taking a long time to move, so I began beeping and getting angry. Turns out, these cars were parked and I was holding up a line of traffic. FML

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By "AdorableDoxie" - 17/12/2018 22:00

Today, I fell asleep in the school bus on the way back home when my loud fart woke me and a few other kids up. I am a teacher. FML

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By lonely_island - 28/4/2014 21:27 - Canada - Saint Albert

Today, I finally worked up the guts to add the guy I like on Facebook. To make it less obvious, I added 15 other people as well. Everyone added me back, except him. FML

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By crazygirl10 - 28/5/2010 20:37 - United States

Today, both my parents were at work so I was home alone. My boyfriend had wanted to surprise me and take me out to lunch. He found me dancing on my kitchen table singing "Like a Virgin" at the top of my lungs. FML

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By cherrycokeee - 6/2/2010 18:29 - France

Today, my boyfriend of two years said he would finally take me somewhere romantic. I spent my day at a Star Wars convention. FML

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By loser. - 20/3/2010 06:23 - Canada

Today, I dove into the water perfectly, and my bikini bottoms came off. I splashed around nervously. This guy must have thought I was drowning, and dove in to save me. He emerged from the water carrying a half naked girl. FML

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By Anonymous - 8/5/2009 14:53 - Canada

Today, while working as a makeup artist in the mall, I was approached by a man who wanted to try lipstick (not unusual we do a lot of drag). While I'm applying it he starts to make gross noises and after a quick glance I realize he has a massive erection. He then whispers mmmm don't stop now. FML

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By anonymous - 23/6/2011 14:19 - United States

Today, I found out my dad thinks he's famous because he's been on 'Cops', twice. FML

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By toriforever - 5/7/2010 23:22 - United States

Today, I have to pack for tomorrow's family vacation. For one week I get to be stuck in a one bedroom cabin with my alcoholic father, bipolar mother, and two much younger siblings who have a passion for screaming. FML

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By andromeda80 - 28/3/2012 13:52 - United States - Lakewood

Today, someone spray painted a black skull on the side of my house. We painted over it and installed lights to hopefully persuade intruders not to vandalize the property because it would be a bright area. The lights were stolen. FML

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By :| - 12/9/2013 22:27 - Sweden - V?llingby

Today, I realized that what I thought for years was my country's National Anthem, is actually the theme song of a TV show. FML

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By stillwaiting - 15/9/2009 21:32 - United Kingdom

Today, I found out that my boss plays a trick on all the interns. He calls you to his office, then leaves you waiting outside until you get annoyed and leave. Apparently, the old record was 45mins. I waited 4 hours. FML

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By Chansus10 - 20/10/2014 15:03 - United States - Greendale

Today, my boss drove past me while I was walking to work, and splashing mud over my uniform. When I got to work, he criticized me for showing up in unpresentable condition. FML

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By catbum - 10/11/2016 03:54 - Canada - Regina

Today, I accidentally shoved my finger up my cat's butt while trying to push him off my nightstand in the dark. FML

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By Anonymous - 17/3/2020 05:30

Stay safe, stay home

Today, my professor gave me a huge lecture in front of the class about showing up sick, about how I was endangering the lives of other students, and kicked me out of class. As I left, everyone applauded. I'm not sick, but suffering for horrible allergies. FML

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By TJFuentes - 11/2/2015 13:39 - United States - Appleton

Today, someone walking my way started waving. I waved back until I realized he wasn't looking at me. To make things worse, while walking past he said, "Get a fucking friend." FML

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By bitchimgay - 22/7/2012 16:48 - Canada - Montreal

Today, I went to my local coffee shop. I soon witnessed the girl making my drink apparently dislodge a wedgie from her ass-crack and then sneeze into her hands. When I confronted her, she loudly accused me of "visually molesting" her. FML

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By Wannabees - 3/4/2012 05:13 - Canada

Today, I decided to spray tan myself. Five minutes later, I had to pee, so I did. Not only do I now have two orange stripes on my toilet bowl, but I also have two big white stripes on the back of my thighs. FML

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By mathguy - 3/5/2012 12:16 - United States - Green Bay

Today, I went for a job interview for a building position at a retail store. They saw on my application that I was good at math. They asked me what the circumference of a circle is. Being nervous during the interview, I accidentally said the area of a circle. I didn't get the job. FML

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By jakethed0g - 10/8/2011 21:37 - United Kingdom

Today, I was camping with my family, and had to share a tent with my 13 year old brother. During the night he had to pee, but instead of going outside to use the bathroom, he zipped open a section of the tent, stuck his knob through it, and peed all over my shoes that were drying outside. FML

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By krisx3ftw - 11/1/2010 13:25 - United States

Today, my boyfriend took me on a surprise date, destination unknown. I dressed up, he had a tux on. We went to McDonalds. FML

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By Bl6122 - 2/2/2017 21:00 - United States - Lafayette

Today, my mom received a condolence card from my high school's alumni association for my recent passing. I'm still alive! FML

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By fuck russia and fuck georgia too - 9/3/2014 18:38 - Azerbaijan

Today, my girlfriend broke up with me. She'd walked in on me jerking off, which she said is exactly the same as cheating on her. FML

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By ChePow - 20/8/2011 18:26 - Canada

Today, a stripper came into my work to get some posters copied. She asked if she could pay in small bills. I just touched $50 that have probably rubbed up against a stripper's twat. FML

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By vanillapudding6 - 14/10/2015 01:21 - Canada - Toronto

Today, my mom and dad went to court to negotiate child support for me and my brothers. During the meeting, my dad was asked, "Sir, are you saying that the only reason you want your sons to live with you full time is so you don't have to pay child support?" To which he responded, "Yes." FML

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By CanadianEH - 8/11/2016 23:39

Today, my dog ate my underwear. This is the twenty-seventh pair that he has eaten. FML

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By PrettyScared - 29/7/2013 15:07 - United States - Matthews

Today, my step-brother said to me, "If we weren't related I would fuck you so hard." Mom says I should "be grateful for such a nice compliment." FML

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By Shamdog48 - 11/4/2011 15:08 - United States

Today, I went to work at a chemotherapy clinic. After explaining to a patient about the risks and benefits of chemotherapy for his underlying metastatic lung cancer, he asks is it OK to smoke during chemotherapy. FML

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By Anonymous - 1/12/2012 17:01 - United States - Portland

Today, my husband discovered poking me in my belly button makes me have to pee, sometimes it's uncontrollable and happens immediately. He thinks it's hilarious and decided it's his new favorite game. FML

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By frozensolid - 24/1/2013 21:25 - Canada - Winnipeg

Today, I waited over 30 minutes in freezing cold weather for my bus. When it finally arrived, I went to get on board, but slipped and fell on the icy ground. The driver waited a whole 2 seconds before snorting, "Ain't nobody got time for this shit", closing the doors, and driving off. FML

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By scarlet5000 - 26/9/2009 06:32 - United States

Today, there was a traffic accident on the highway which I normally take. I couldn't resist laughing at the driver since he was stupid enough to rear-end someone on the highway. What I didn't realize is that I forgot to pay attention to the road and rear-ended the car in front of me. FML

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By Anonymous - 14/9/2014 16:38 - Ghana - Accra

Today, I got high for the first time. Apparently I called my vet and told him my goldfish was barking. I found out when he called me back later to make sure we were both okay. FML

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By kb123 - 5/5/2019 20:00

Today, I'm visiting my wife's home country for the first time. To avoid the spicy street food, I bought something labelled "Fruit salad" from a street vendor. I didn't know even Pakistani fruit salad can be very spicy too. FML

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By newly passed, newly grassed - 6/12/2014 17:04 - United Kingdom - Birmingham

Today, while driving home, I swerved to avoid turning a duck and her babies into roadkill. Another car was coming around a sharp bend at the time and swerved to avoid hitting me. In the end, we both ran our cars off the road, and he took out several ducks in the process. FML

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By Anonymous - 10/12/2010 21:55 - United Kingdom

Today, I spent ages looking for a parking space at the mall. I saw a couple walking out of the mall and decided to follow them and take their space when they left. After following them for a good ten minutes, I realised they were heading to the bus stop. FML

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By Anonymous - 6/4/2013 21:39 - United States - Arcata

Today, I interviewed three elderly residents at a nursing home, hoping to use the transcript for a very important paper due next week. It went great, so I wrapped up and drove home. I sat down to start typing, and realized that my recording had stopped ten minutes in. FML

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Top comments

By geekpower_fml | 28

#6506476 - Sunday 10 January 2016 12:03

I'd recommend purring for extra scratches.

By Feklfekl2222 | 32

#6506475 - Sunday 10 January 2016 12:02

If she loves her cats, I don't see a problem. Plus she'll feed yoj

Comments

By Feklfekl2222 | 32

#6506475 - Sunday 10 January 2016 12:02

If she loves her cats, I don't see a problem. Plus she'll feed yoj

Reply

Feklfekl2222 | 32

#6506512 - Sunday 10 January 2016 13:40

Apologies, *you. I wrote that just as I woke up and apparently wasn't capable of reading

Reply

h00tzForOsi | 20

#6506700 - Sunday 10 January 2016 17:49

Yoj will have to fight the fat squirrels. The warm winter spoiled them.

Reply

jake_braves | 25

#6506866 - Sunday 10 January 2016 20:25

That's an excuse to act like you think you are a god. Haha. Since all cats think they're gods.

Reply

TheFount | 21

#6507247 - Monday 11 January 2016 6:23

I like the way you explain your jokes immediately. It shows you've got spunk.

Reply

junkymagi | 7

#6588059 - Monday 25 April 2016 7:27

and she can't have sex with the cats :D

By geekpower_fml | 28

#6506476 - Sunday 10 January 2016 12:03

I'd recommend purring for extra scratches.

Reply

gamermonster | 34

#6506520 - Sunday 10 January 2016 14:17

And don't forget to roll up on her lap

Reply

22IrishGirl22 | 16

#6546674 - Saturday 27 February 2016 16:25

Oh my god, yes. ??

By jewswag | 16

#6506478 - Sunday 10 January 2016 12:05

Do you get Fancy Feast?

Reply

tygerarmy | 35

#6506902 - Sunday 10 January 2016 20:55

No cat likes fancy feast! Friskies, what cats want!

Reply

AwesomeBlossom16 | 6

#6507305 - Monday 11 January 2016 7:19

No- Meow Mix! It's the only one cats ask for by name!!

By syki | 22

#6506480 - Sunday 10 January 2016 12:05

Cat Lady Level: pseudo bestiality.

By woxliuke | 12

#6506482 - Sunday 10 January 2016 12:06

The question is - how many cats does she have?

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Obito_Uchiha651 | 17

#6506842 - Sunday 10 January 2016 19:59

Why is that important

Reply

BrotherPhil | 32

#6507406 - Monday 11 January 2016 9:11

They're like exclamation marks: more than 3 is a sign of madness.

Reply

Sora_McKain | 36

#6509753 - Thursday 14 January 2016 0:36

#61 Oh dear me! In that case I've slipped into comfortable insanity!!!!!

By Odiz747 | 23

#6506484 - Sunday 10 January 2016 12:11

Sounds purrfect

By blostrich_ | 19

#6506490 - Sunday 10 January 2016 12:26

That's a little too weird... But not everyone is perfect. At least you appreciated it before it "dawned on you".

Reply

gingerlover01 | 24

#6506851 - Sunday 10 January 2016 20:07

why are there so many negative clicks

Reply

theonethatcan | 13

#6546737 - Saturday 27 February 2016 19:39

Lol i know right?

By alphasmartass93 | 21

#6506491 - Sunday 10 January 2016 12:26

Still getting beard scratches though- i see no problem unless she starts buying litter in bulk!

Reply

asperix | 20

#6635319 - Friday 24 June 2016 7:34

or when she only gives you food in one specific bowl! btw if she starts spraying you with water just talk! she'll get so startled you're gonna have time to run!

By justanormalone | 16

#6506494 - Sunday 10 January 2016 12:32

At least you are her favourite cat!

By fakedsincerity | 32

#6506496 - Sunday 10 January 2016 12:45

Being petted is awesome, though!