Today, after dating my girlfriend for a while, I had a realization.... - FML

Today, after dating my girlfriend for a while, I had a realization. She often says things like, "You're my favorite!" and scratches my beard, which I appreciated affectionately. Upon meeting her pets, it dawned on me that I am just another one of her cats. FML

By Alan - 26/2/2016 07:17

Thessa's illustrated FML

Hey there! This week, the times they are a-changin'. No more rambling, just straightforward questions and answers. And more importantly,...

Tweet

Share

By Jack / Sunday 10 January 2016 02:07 / United States

Fashion Police

Deep-seated resentment

Buzzing the tower

By Sadness - 7/10/2013 18:55 - United States - Atlanta

Today, I have been home sick and depressed for so long that I just found Oreo crumbs in my belly button. FML

I agree, your life sucks

38705

You deserved it

17465

Tweet

Share

By dickhead - 10/4/2015 22:17 - United States

Today, I bought a garden gnome to spice up my lawn. Tonight, someone threw it right through my living room window. Not only will the repairs cost a ton, my neighbor keeps saying stupid shit to me, like "You must be shattered" and "Looks like you ain't got a window gnome... more." FML

I agree, your life sucks

30054

You deserved it

3371

Tweet

Share

By CrapDay - 18/1/2017 22:00

Today, I woke up early in the morning when it was still dark to go off to work. I saw what looked like a piece of slime that my children would play with and went to pick it up. Nope. Turns out it was puppy shit. Wet, slimy puppy waste. FML

I agree, your life sucks

6094

You deserved it

1744

Tweet

Share

By faeliality - 18/4/2016 08:39 - United States

Today, my boss called me and asked why I haven't been showing up to work. I didn't show up because he fired me last week over the phone. Then he fired me again for not showing up to work. FML

I agree, your life sucks

22632

You deserved it

1342

Tweet

Share

By waterlogged - 22/9/2010 04:14 - United States

Today, my entire region received record rainfall, with torrential downpours all day and night. Today was also the day I discovered my car's sunroof leaks, when I was greeted with two inches of standing water in my floorboards. FML

I agree, your life sucks

24835

You deserved it

2594

Tweet

Share

By Lou - 1/6/2010 15:59 - United Kingdom

Today, I went to the supermarket; it was taking me ages to walk home because of the heavy food bags. Halfway home, I realised I had gone in my car. I had to walk all the way back to get my car. FML

I agree, your life sucks

12519

You deserved it

58487

Tweet

Share

By Lola - 23/7/2012 04:31

Today, my boyfriend bought us three kittens. Today, I also discovered that I am allergic to cats. My boyfriend broke up with me because he wanted the cats more than me. FML

I agree, your life sucks

32686

You deserved it

4313

Tweet

Share

By Toast514 - 29/7/2009 23:49 - Canada

Today, I was short shifted at work because one of my employee's decided not to show up. Furious, I wrote her up and made predetermined judgments about her. When she came in, I went off on her for being absent and leaving me stuck. She then informed me her mom tried to commit suicide. FML

I agree, your life sucks

13104

You deserved it

61998

Tweet

Share

By Harry - 10/6/2014 01:56 - United States - Seattle

Today, I was walking in the street, and the next thing I know, I'm waking up in a hospital. According to witnesses, a guy came up and hit me over the head with a baseball bat. Apparently that's a thing that happens now. But it's okay, he had an excuse: he said he was drunk. FML

I agree, your life sucks

52342

You deserved it

3850

Tweet

Share

By onething - 8/7/2009 17:06 - United States

Today, my boyfriend picked me up to come spend the night at his house, and on the way he started pulling over to get some condoms. I told him no need, I was on my period. He turned the car around and took me home. FML

I agree, your life sucks

83588

You deserved it

17849

Tweet

Share

By LameChef - 10/3/2015 18:43 - Poland

Today, after years of providing daily various home-made colourful meals for three kids and a husband, I was asked to "cook something cool, like instant hamburgers, not that lame healthy shit". FML

I agree, your life sucks

30022

You deserved it

4983

Tweet

Share

By kerripjones - 14/7/2015 19:44 - United States - Newark

Today, an old friend and I reconnected. Everything was going fine until he threatened to visit me at work. I didn't know he knew my place of employment, so I replied, "Do you know where I live too?" He answered, "Would you hate me if I did?" FML

I agree, your life sucks

27141

You deserved it

2095

Tweet

Share

By CatLover<3 - 18/6/2013 23:27 - United States - Cibolo

Today, I tried to explain to my cat why I was single, but then I realized why. FML

I agree, your life sucks

46426

You deserved it

21859

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 20/6/2010 07:21 - United States

Today, I was at work as a musician, sitting on a piano bench. Suddenly I found myself at eye-level with the piano, dumped on the floor by the broken bench, with my legs splayed out. I felt like I picked the wrong day to wear a skirt to work - but the audience members all disagreed. FML

I agree, your life sucks

32839

You deserved it

4355

Tweet

Share

By troubleintoyland - 24/12/2010 03:03 - United States

Today, my fiancé and I attempted to have sex in my childhood bedroom. As we were falling onto the bed, I smacked my head on the wall, which caused a shelf of stuffed toys to fall onto the bed. Not only did it kill the mood, the shelf also hit me in the face. FML

I agree, your life sucks

28684

You deserved it

9494

Tweet

Share

By manderz? - 3/8/2016 00:18 - United States - Beach Haven

Today, after having an amazing first date with my long time crush, we ended up going out to dinner. We shared a meal, and it was delicious! This would have been the ultimate dream come true... Except for the part about me throwing up in his car on the way back home. FML

I agree, your life sucks

13386

You deserved it

1093

Tweet

Share

By Eric - 13/5/2011 02:19

Today, I saw my dad chugging a beer in the garage. Why is that so bad? He was hosting an AA meeting in the basement. FML

I agree, your life sucks

34503

You deserved it

2880

Tweet

Share

By ktiskool - 1/8/2013 04:03 - United States - Imperial

Today, I was watching my 3-year-old sister play in the bathtub. She started screaming at her toys, saying "You're staying under the water until you DIE!" She then looked at me and cackled. I share a room with this demon child. FML

I agree, your life sucks

55301

You deserved it

4125

Tweet

Share

By Thank you, exactly what I wanted Sergeant - 21/8/2016 13:53

Today, my drill sergeant found out it's my birthday. I spent the rest of the day scrubbing large, filthy pots for the entire base of 2000+ and scrubbing grime off of bathroom walls. Happy birthday to me! FML

I agree, your life sucks

16413

You deserved it

1548

Tweet

Share

By EmbarrassedMess - 23/5/2017 19:00 - United Kingdom - Leeds

Today, I had what I thought would be an important (and formal) interview. Not only did I turn up completely overdressed, the man who was interviewing me arrived 30 minutes late. To top it all off, I was so distracted by his mysterious total lack of eyebrows that I forgot everything I had to say. FML

I agree, your life sucks

4078

You deserved it

478

Tweet

Share

By burnmyeyes - 19/4/2014 21:26 - United States - Richmond

Today, I walked in on my brother shaving his nuts, all while giggling like a maniac and seemingly high out of his mind. FML

I agree, your life sucks

44272

You deserved it

5307

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 26/9/2015 02:36 - Australia

Today, after my second date with an otherwise charming guy, he called me a whore for turning him down for sex. Yeah, I'm trying to work out the logic of that too. FML

I agree, your life sucks

28520

You deserved it

1812

Tweet

Share

By Sal - 9/2/2009 18:32 - United States

Today, I found a used condom and wrapper in the bathroom trash can at my girlfriends house. The condom is not a brand I've ever used. She lives alone. FML

I agree, your life sucks

85459

You deserved it

5234

Tweet

Share

By crapped on - 16/6/2011 06:25 - United States

Today, my family went on vacation. I had to stay home to take care of everyone's animals. I called my mom, she said she was too busy to talk to me. My sister asked who was on the phone, she replied "the dog sitter." FML

I agree, your life sucks

37910

You deserved it

4135

Tweet

Share

By Hth - 8/11/2008 01:07 - United States

Today, for the 25th time, an Indian called my cell phone asking for 'Pinkie'. I don't know who the hell Pinkie is, but I don't appreciate people calling wrong numbers while I'm having it off. FML

I agree, your life sucks

34511

You deserved it

9701

Tweet

Share

By Imdead - 14/9/2018 22:00

Today, we're taking the plane home from Dublin after a school trip that I only barely got onto after troubles with my passport. Luckily for me, a kind person has decided to save me from the passport this evening - together with the rest of my wallet. I'm stuck. FML

I agree, your life sucks

2560

You deserved it

210

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 26/7/2014 15:50 - United States

Today, I went to the mall. A little girl was walking around and telling everyone that they were pretty. When she got to me, she gave me a disgusted look and walked away. FML

I agree, your life sucks

49437

You deserved it

4975

Tweet

Share

By Disgusted - 5/7/2009 06:30 - United States

Today, I met my biological mother for the first time. I also found out from her husband that she has her nipples and nether regions pierced. FML

I agree, your life sucks

42903

You deserved it

3771

Tweet

Share

By Pizza-less - 4/9/2011 04:16 - United States

Today, my best friend and I were playing Call of Duty, when he said he had to go to the bathroom. Curious, I checked his phone. A text message read, "Tell your friend you're going to the bathroom and come eat. Pizza is here." from his dad. Apparently, I'm not good enough to feed. FML

I agree, your life sucks

40490

You deserved it

7979

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 24/10/2018 14:00

Today, I proposed to my girlfriend. When she saw the ring, she got so excited that she ran to kiss me and it flew out of my hand, over the balcony of our suite, and fell roughly 45 stories straight down. I could feel my wallet screaming as a £4000 diamond vanished into the night. FML

I agree, your life sucks

3658

You deserved it

470

Tweet

Share

By Ouch - 14/11/2018 05:00

Today, I tried to break up a fight between two of my coworkers. They decided to show their gratitude by smashing me in the face with a thick ceramic dish. FML

I agree, your life sucks

2566

You deserved it

304

Tweet

Share

By pa - 21/5/2009 13:06 - United States

Today, my parents bought me a wine glass with "Who needs a man?" painted all over it. Cute, until after dinner my mom looked me in the eyes and asked with complete sincerity, "Kara, are you gay?" My parents tried to get me to come out. I'm straight. FML

I agree, your life sucks

54494

You deserved it

3579

Tweet

Share

By meeeee! - 2/3/2015 13:26 - United States - Wilmington

Today, I fell out of a window while trying to close it so no one would fall out. FML

I agree, your life sucks

33422

You deserved it

4707

Tweet

Share

By CarrieBerrie - 14/8/2020 17:01

Fire in the hole!

Today, after being woken up with the intense urge to go to the bathroom, and having gone to the bathroom three times in the last hour, I finally realized I took two laxatives instead of two Midol. My ass is on fire. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1225

You deserved it

474

Tweet

Share

By touristtraphotel - 11/8/2016 18:58 - Puerto Rico

Today, my former boss is threatening to keep my last paycheck until I return a skateboard that a guest forgot at the hotel about a month ago. She was the one who gave me the order to put it in the trash. FML

I agree, your life sucks

14754

You deserved it

834

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 16/12/2009 12:09 - Canada

Today, my boyfriend of 3 years confessed that he was sleeping with me and 5 other girls while we first started dating. He told me he numbered us and rolled a die to see which one he would date. I guess I won. FML

I agree, your life sucks

39430

You deserved it

3812

Tweet

Share

By jai90 - 3/2/2014 21:16 - Netherlands - Utrecht

Today, I found a Google search for "erectile dysfunction" in my browser search history, along with pages about treatments for it. I'm a woman, and I live alone. FML

I agree, your life sucks

50090

You deserved it

3803

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 11/2/2011 03:21 - China

Today, I woke up to a repairman at my door who was simply supposed to turn my water back on in my apartment. Two hours and 5 repairmen later, all I have now is a large hole in my ceiling. Still no water. FML

I agree, your life sucks

28695

You deserved it

2354

Tweet

Share

By bitchface - 9/1/2010 04:08 - United States

Today, I looked at my father's facebook for the first time in a month to see his status and it said "making wedding plans!" Really? When was he planning on telling his own daughter. FML

I agree, your life sucks

31784

You deserved it

3040

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 17/11/2013 21:59 - United States - Elmwood Park

Today, I was at a diner with friends when we decided to put our phones in the middle of the table on the basis that whoever looks at theirs first has to pay. It was going well, until someone rushed up behind me, slammed my face into the table and ran out with our 4 phones. FML

I agree, your life sucks

44751

You deserved it

5820

Tweet

Share

Add a comment

You must be logged in to be able to post comments!

Create my account Sign in

Top comments

By geekpower_fml | 28

#6506476 - Sunday 10 January 2016 12:03

I'd recommend purring for extra scratches.

By Feklfekl2222 | 32

#6506475 - Sunday 10 January 2016 12:02

If she loves her cats, I don't see a problem. Plus she'll feed yoj

COMMENTS

By Feklfekl2222 | 32

#6506475 - Sunday 10 January 2016 12:02

If she loves her cats, I don't see a problem. Plus she'll feed yoj

Reply

Feklfekl2222 | 32

#6506512 - Sunday 10 January 2016 13:40

Apologies, *you. I wrote that just as I woke up and apparently wasn't capable of reading

Reply

h00tzForOsi | 20

#6506700 - Sunday 10 January 2016 17:49

Yoj will have to fight the fat squirrels. The warm winter spoiled them.

Reply

jake_braves | 25

#6506866 - Sunday 10 January 2016 20:25

That's an excuse to act like you think you are a god. Haha. Since all cats think they're gods.

Reply

TheFount | 21

#6507247 - Monday 11 January 2016 6:23

I like the way you explain your jokes immediately. It shows you've got spunk.

Reply

junkymagi | 7

#6588059 - Monday 25 April 2016 7:27

and she can't have sex with the cats :D

By geekpower_fml | 28

#6506476 - Sunday 10 January 2016 12:03

I'd recommend purring for extra scratches.

Reply

gamermonster | 34

#6506520 - Sunday 10 January 2016 14:17

And don't forget to roll up on her lap

Reply

22IrishGirl22 | 16

#6546674 - Saturday 27 February 2016 16:25

Oh my god, yes. ??

By jewswag | 16

#6506478 - Sunday 10 January 2016 12:05

Do you get Fancy Feast?

Reply

tygerarmy | 35

#6506902 - Sunday 10 January 2016 20:55

No cat likes fancy feast! Friskies, what cats want!

Reply

AwesomeBlossom16 | 6

#6507305 - Monday 11 January 2016 7:19

No- Meow Mix! It's the only one cats ask for by name!!

By syki | 22

#6506480 - Sunday 10 January 2016 12:05

Cat Lady Level: pseudo bestiality.

By woxliuke | 12

#6506482 - Sunday 10 January 2016 12:06

The question is - how many cats does she have?

Reply

Obito_Uchiha651 | 17

#6506842 - Sunday 10 January 2016 19:59

Why is that important

Reply

BrotherPhil | 32

#6507406 - Monday 11 January 2016 9:11

They're like exclamation marks: more than 3 is a sign of madness.

Reply

Sora_McKain | 36

#6509753 - Thursday 14 January 2016 0:36

#61 Oh dear me! In that case I've slipped into comfortable insanity!!!!!

By Odiz747 | 23

#6506484 - Sunday 10 January 2016 12:11

Sounds purrfect

By blostrich_ | 19

#6506490 - Sunday 10 January 2016 12:26

That's a little too weird... But not everyone is perfect. At least you appreciated it before it "dawned on you".

Reply

gingerlover01 | 24

#6506851 - Sunday 10 January 2016 20:07

why are there so many negative clicks

Reply

theonethatcan | 13

#6546737 - Saturday 27 February 2016 19:39

Lol i know right?

By alphasmartass93 | 21

#6506491 - Sunday 10 January 2016 12:26

Still getting beard scratches though- i see no problem unless she starts buying litter in bulk!

Reply

asperix | 20

#6635319 - Friday 24 June 2016 7:34

or when she only gives you food in one specific bowl! btw if she starts spraying you with water just talk! she'll get so startled you're gonna have time to run!

By justanormalone | 16

#6506494 - Sunday 10 January 2016 12:32

At least you are her favourite cat!

By fakedsincerity | 32

#6506496 - Sunday 10 January 2016 12:45

Being petted is awesome, though!