Today, I had one more gift to buy: a copy of Fight Club. I asked a person working at Best Buy if they had any in stock. The man wouldn't sell me the last copy because I had broken the first two rules. FML
Today, I ordered ramen to go. I looked at my order and discovered a cockroach. Disgusted, I showed it to them, and they apologized by "replacing" it for free. Later on, while I was enjoying the delicious food, I once again discovered a cockroach buried under all the noodles. FML
Today, I got fired from my job because my boss thinks that me doing everything he says makes me untrustworthy. FML
Today, the man of my dreams kissed me. It was everything I had imagined it would be until in the middle of the kiss, he burped. FML
Today, I scored the winning goal in my soccer tournament. For the other team. FML
XxFA1LxX tells us more.
XxFA1LxX 4
It was a deflection. It's not like I was stupid enough to purposely shoot on my own net.
Today, to prove that my girlfriend is a "total skank", my best friend seduced her and showed me the video he secretly filmed of it. FML
Today, my brother said he was cleaning his room. When I walked in, he was giving my cousin a blowjob. FML
Today, my girlfriend and I were making out while she was laying on me. Her little brother walked in, saw us and yelled, "Mom they're swallowing each other!" FML
Today, I sliced my finger open because my roommate's girlfriend put a broken ceramic plate in the recycling. I was putting some paper in the bin and all of a sudden, an inch and a half of my flesh is naked to the world. I don't have medical insurance, so I fixed it with Superglue. FML
Today, a kid got his hand stuck inside my store's giant gumball machine. He started crying, and his negligent trainwreck of a mom bitched me out for being "unobservant." I'd been mopping up the mess she'd made after she'd spilled an open can of beer all over the floor. FML
Today, I asked my boss a simple question about a problem I was having with a project I am currently doing. He replied: ''You don't worry your sweet little ass about it babe". My boss is my girlfriend's father. Nice. FML
Today, I invited my very animal-phobic boyfriend over. I have a dog and a rabbit, who are always well behaved, so I insisted they wouldn't do him any harm. My dog peed all over his shoes and my rabbit furiously humped his leg and wouldn't let go. He's now even more terrified of animals. FML
Today, I finally lost my virginity. In my boyfriend's racecar bed. FML
Today, one of my usually unpleasant managers offered me a slice of cheese cake for doing a good job. I declined, but after some pestering on his part I finally accepted it. I have been violently ill for the past two hours. FML
Today, I called in sick to work for a second day. After months of my boss trying to get me sacked by spreading vicious rumors about me, taunting me into retaliating, and generally making my life a living hell, he finally got his chance. He sent me a text saying, "yeh dont bother son ure fuckin fired." FML
Today, at work in a nursing home, I had to kill imaginary dogs in the lunch room, because they were evil and trying to eat everyone. This started with just one person seeing them, to all 30 of them screaming and freaking out. I spent 45 minutes killing imaginary dogs. FML
Today, I was walking to a café with my soon-to-be boss. While crossing a busy street, I slipped in a puddle and accidentally grabbed his junk to catch myself. FML
Today, my parents got a new dog. It attacks me every time I laugh. FML
Today, my boyfriend came home drunk and thought it would be funny to spray himself in the face with pepper spray. I was in his drunken firing line too. After him vomiting and being blinded for a few hours, he was fine. I, on the other hand, had a terrible allergic reaction and got rushed to hospital. FML
Today, I woke up to the sight of a zucchini and a condom on my bedside table, along with a note saying, "I know it's tough being single." Apparently my mom has boundary issues, my dad will laugh at anything, and the fact I just got dumped means nothing. FML
Today, as a physics teacher, I was testing a class to see how high a sound frequency they could hear. One girl claimed she could hear the sound even though it was physically impossible. Without thinking, I replied "Only dogs can hear this frequency." Needless to say, she was picked on all day. FML
Today, a man approached my delivery van and asked for change for a $5 bill. I guess I should've expected him to grab the change and run off with the extra money. FML
Today, after months of dieting, I finally reached my goal weight. Excitedly I told my boyfriend, who gave me a beautiful dress as an early Christmas present. It was a size too small. FML
Today, my mum suggested that I should take self-defence lessons just in case I ever get attacked. Jokingly, I said, "As long as I walk under street lamps, no one's going to touch me." She replied, "Well, you never know, they might mistake you for someone good looking." FML
Today, I was on my way to meet the girl I like at the beach. I parked my truck and walked to the restaurant where I was supposed to meet her. She wasn't there so I called her and she told me she cancelled because it started raining. There wasn't a cloud in the sky. FML
Today, I found my daughter's brand new ipod touch. At the bottom of the washing machine. FML
Today, I told my friends I had been hiding something that I wanted to come clean on. My one friend responds by saying, "FINALLY you come out of the closet. It's about time." I'm not gay. I was just going to tell them my parents were getting a divorce. FML
Today, I overheard my husband talking to our 6 year-old about animals for a project. I listened, thinking it was cute, until my husband said gleefully, "Remember to say this in your project: octopuses have 8 testicles." FML
Today, it's been a week since I've been in hospital. No one has been to visit me. The nurses have nicknamed me "The Lonely One." FML
Today, it was our 6 month anniversary. My boyfriend didn’t get me a present or take me out to dinner. Instead he cried to me about how much he hates his life while he repeatedly punched himself in the face. Then he dropped me off to spend time with his mom. FML
michelleccali tells us more.
Ok, yes I am a teenager. The reason I was so upset over him not doing anything for our 6 months together was because he made sure I got him a present, and told me a bunch of times that he was planning something fun. So he got my hopes up for nothing. Then when I got sad about it, he got mad at me and pretty much ignored me.
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