Too Tired To Function

Today, I got a call from a girl I fell madly in love with 8 years ago. She disappeared from my life with no trace. Turns out she just finalized her divorce, has 2 wild kids, packed on 75 lbs, has $25,000 in debt and is taking meds to keep from going crazy. Now she wants me back. FML

Proactive

Territorial pissings

What did I do?

By Anonymous - 28/12/2010 05:03 - United States

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Today, thanks to my brilliant hairstylist, I ended up with a brand new haircut, which I like to call the "Bowler hat-and-Spaghetti" cut. FML

By AtikaSucks - 28/2/2010 19:00 - Tunisia

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Today, I was telling my mother about my earrings hurting my ears. I had a cut on my ear close to the piercing and she thought that I had mistaken the cut for the opening, and said (as we walked past a car full of men), "Well of course it hurts when you put it in the wrong hole!". FML

By Anonymous - 18/5/2009 12:40 - United Kingdom

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Today, a bunch of guys at work chased me down a corridor with a Febreze spray for smelling like I'd been "sleeping in a hollowed-out horse's carcass" and having "the personal hygiene of a billy goat." FML

By Champion the wonder horse - 28/7/2011 08:15 - United States

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Today, I found out that the only reason why I haven't had a relationship last for more than a week the past 4 years is because of my stalker ex-girlfriend, who has been keeping other women out of my life by making up horrible stories about me. She broke up with me 5 years ago. FML

By Anonymous - 18/6/2012 01:55 - United States - Sacramento

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Today, I was in a parking lot looking for a spot, and after driving around for a long while I finally found one. A homeless man was taking a shit on it. FML

By jackpot - 9/5/2011 01:53 - Venezuela

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Today, I accidentally sent a nude to my girlfriend's father. He screenshotted it. FML

By BriSwag4321 - 21/9/2018 05:00

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Today, it's my birthday and I had to work. My boss wished me a happy birthday, and then told me I was fired. FML

By Anonymous - 3/7/2019 07:00 - Vietnam - Hanoi

1976

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Today, I thought I died in the shower. I was very intensely playing air guitar while simultaneously headbanging. I punched myself in the dick. FML

By MetalisLife - 11/1/2017 09:50

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Today, I took my dog for a basic spay and dental cleaning procedure. When I picked her up from the vet, I was reading through the surgery papers before they sent me away. They'd pulled 29 abscessed teeth and didn’t feel the need to tell me. FML

By Anonymous - 2/9/2019 02:00

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Today, I looked at my bank balance. It read $1.23. That's higher than it usually is. FML

By amused - 23/6/2014 21:26 - Canada - Toronto

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Today, my girlfriend dumped me because her dog "told her to". FML

By Afroman720 - 27/7/2015 18:55 - United States

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Today, I got a red light camera ticket for $100 in the mail. After checking the date and time, I realized it was from when I was rear ended into the intersection while STOPPED at a red light. FML

By corfan01 - 5/10/2009 11:11 - United States

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Today, a crazy woman grabbed my hair and mentioned how lovely it was. She then asked when I would donate it. I told her I didn't want to, at which point she started yelling that she was going to get some scissors and cut it all off to teach me a lesson. FML

By donttouchmyhair - 19/3/2014 18:14 - Romania - Bucharest

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Today, a girl I really liked mentioned she's home alone and that she was really really lonely. She offered for me to come over and watch a few movies with her, and as I got prepared to leave she sent me a text saying " can you pick up my friend Spencer? " FML

By batman123 - 21/2/2009 02:42 - Canada

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Today, I told my Dad I was an alcoholic and had decided to seek help. His reply, "Don't stop drinking, you are the life of the party, funny and beautiful when you drink." FML

By Anonymous - 9/3/2015 12:15 - Australia - Melbourne

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Today, I wrote a note for my crush of 2 years, expressing all my feelings for him signed it as "Forever your lover" then I slipped it into his locker. Later that day, he walked back up to me, tossed the note at me and said "You know I recognize your handwriting, right?" FML

By fmynote - 27/8/2009 23:00 - United States

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Today, while working at my desk alone and with my headphones in, I suddenly let loose a loud stream of gas. As I shifted uncomfortably in my seat, I saw, in the reflection of my laptop, that my roommate had been sitting silently on the couch right behind me. FML

By yayibs - 4/12/2015 03:21 - United States - Williamstown

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Today, my sister's boyfriend said the only thing he'd change about her was her last name. My boyfriend told me he'd change the shape of my nose. FML

By disappoint - 8/12/2011 09:14 - United States

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Today, I had sex with my boyfriend for the first time. All the magic vanished when I kept queefing every time he thrust into me. We made it about 10 seconds before he broke down into hysterical laughter and lost his boner. FML

By alison - 4/7/2015 05:02 - United States

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Today, I found out that I didn't get a job because I failed the psychological analysis. It told me to answer each question and tell the truth. So I did. I ask my friend, who got the job, if she told the truth. She said no. Apparently you have to lie in order to get a job. Sorry for being honest. FML

By samantha711 - 10/11/2009 02:28 - United States

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Today, I ran one of the hardest cross-country courses in the country. I'm a pretty good runner, and I was feeling confident for the first mile. Then the chipotle from last night's dinner hit, and my legs weren't the only thing running. FML

By Anonymous - 13/9/2014 00:19 - United States - Farmingdale

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Today, we had an emergency lockdown in my gym class. As a result, we had to go into the boys' locker room, so naturally, it smelled like a fart in there. Some dumbass had a "brilliant" idea to spray a WHOLE FUCKING CAN OF AXE SPRAY in the locker room. I have asthma. FML

By angry asthmatic - 22/12/2018 14:00 - United States - Ann Arbor

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Today, I was informed that one of my store managers does a "great" impression of me. No one will tell me what it is, but apparently it's really funny. FML

By mockable - 6/4/2012 11:09 - United States

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Today, I got my wisdom teeth cut out. While my girlfriend was driving me home, I, still being high on the laughing gas, accidentally admitted to cheating on her. She was kind enough to wait until the numbness wore off before she punched me in the face. FML

By peeoncarl1111 - 29/1/2011 01:06 - United States

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Today, I was helping an old man find a pair of shoes. I told him about a particularly comfortable pair but had to inform him that they only came in black or white. Hearing this, the old man grabbed me around the neck and began to beat me in the head with our display shoe. He wanted brown. FML

By Shoes - 12/6/2009 05:33 - United States

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Today, I was trying to take my shirt off. It was an awkward fit, so I had to basically wrestle it for five minutes. The kicker was that I was giving my boyfriend a striptease. He laughed so hard and for so long that we never had sex. FML

By Damn - 5/6/2012 19:36 - Canada - Saint Catharines

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Today, I thought it would be nice to park my new car under a big, shady oak tree to prevent it from heating up in the sun. The big, shady oak tree thought it would be nice to shed a massive branch on top of my new car. FML

By Anonymous - 8/12/2012 09:28 - Australia - Weston

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Today, I was at work copying some papers. The copier is below a shelf with lots of paper and signage, which suddenly flew off the hinge and hit me in the head as well as the copier. My boss ran in, asking, "Is the copier okay?" FML

By LP - 16/2/2015 03:25 - United States - Madison

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Today, I broke up with my boyfriend. I was sad, but the only thing my mom could say was, "You should have waited until I got him to mow the lawn." FML

By Anonymous - 11/3/2014 13:04 - Israel

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Today, I got a haircut. The guy quickly cut off most of the hair above my forehead. When I angrily asked him what he was doing, he said, "Quitting." FML

By Anonymous - 7/3/2015 03:22 - United States - Naples

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Today, I sat my son down for the sex talk. By the time it was over, he'd corrected me on several factual errors and told me what felching is. Now I remember why I never wanted kids. FML

By Anonymous - 19/1/2015 14:34 - United States - Lewiston

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Today, at work, I had toast thrown at me by an old Vietnam vet. Who also happens to have a dead cat in his freezer. I love retirement homes. FML

By liz - 8/3/2010 01:46 - United States

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Today, while working, I saw a man napping under a tree. He was still there 3 hours later. Turns out he was dead. FML

By Anonymous - 22/6/2017 00:00

Some people are just lazy

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Today, it's my 21st birthday and my dad has decided to take away my ID in fear that if I have even one drink to celebrate I'll become a raging alcoholic. FML

By VedaLynn - 3/12/2012 23:01 - United States

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Today, I found out the "sex noises" I heard from next door last night, which I'd angrily yelled at my neighbor for, were actually from him having an uncontrollable seizure. FML

By 420curse - 5/5/2015 18:20 - United States - San Mateo

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Today, I made my niece cry when I told her that snakes are just tails with faces. She won't stop. FML

By DuckMan - 7/10/2017 13:00

Truthbomb

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Today, the hillbillies who inhabit the apartment above mine got karaoke machine. It's 1 a.m. and they're singing Achy Breaky Heart. FML

By 5.9Cummins - 11/9/2011 03:18 - Canada

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Today, I was riding my bike on the side of the road because there was no sidewalk. Then a car with a loud horn honked at me. Pissed off, I turned around and screamed "shut the fuck up!" It was my girlfriend's parents saying hi. FML

By ZZ - 30/6/2009 03:01 - Canada

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