Today, I was threatened with arrest for refusing to accept a citation for having a dog off leash in a park. It wasn’t my fucking dog! It was a very friendly stray that started following me on my morning walk. I tried to explain myself but the dog wouldn’t leave my side or stop barking at the cop. FML
Today, I saw a neglected potted palm tree on the front porch of what I thought was an empty house down the street from me. I took it home to nurse it back to health. When I got home from work, it was gone. Later, when taking a walk, I spotted the palm, right back on the porch I'd taken it from. FML
Today, I kicked my coffee table while barefoot, got an X-ray, and I’d cracked the bone. Got home, kicked the exact same table with the exact same toe, got another X-ray, the crack is now a full-on break. What a day. FML
Today, I found out the real reason I always had trouble making/keeping friends as a kid and why I wasn’t invited to anything. My parents were aggressive swingers and either successfully fucked, or came on to, every couple wherever we moved. Thanks, you horny bastards. FML
Today, my wife called me at work, screaming in rage that she hated me, that I was a useless lump, that she wishes we'd never met. Did I have an affair or burn the house down? Nope. I set up the kids' backpacks for school today and forgot a library book that was due today. FML
Today, on our honeymoon, my wife still won't have sex with me. When I brought it up, she started crying and said she's still "not ready" for sex. We're both in our late twenties. When the fuck will she be ready? FML
Today, my nosy mom opened my mail and saw how much I have in my account. She confiscated my debit card because she’s convinced no one could save that much working part time at Burger King and is demanding I confess where so much money came from. I'm moving out. Fuck her. FML
Today, after wearing high heels all day, I took them off in the car, and sat cross-legged. My husband immediately threw a fit beside me, claiming my feet were disgusting and "smelled bad." He pulled into a parking lot and threatened to leave me there unless I put them back on. FML
Today, the most obnoxious customer came into my job. She surprisingly scrutinized everything I did. She even mentioned I didn’t offer our store credit card (I honestly forgot due to being overwhelmed by her rude attitude). Turns out she was a secret shopper. Apparently, I failed her little tests. I was fired. FML
Today, I had to be the asshole who finally told one of our friends that his wife can't cook. This was after she tried to make fajitas using a third-rate premade sauce and processed ham, burned it, and stank up the entire house. He seemed shocked when we all agreed; he thought it was good. We all facepalmed. FML
Today, my girlfriend's sister tried to pull the dog jaw prank on me, accidentally biting my finger in the process. Now she's mad at me because her tooth got chipped when I pulled my hand back, completely disregarding the fact that my finger needed stitches from her bite. FML
Today, at a party, we played the game where the person next to you needs to say something nice about you. My neighbour didn't know me well so he just pointed out I nicely smell like mint. That's when my drunk husband exclaimed, "My gal loves eating my ass, so that's just her mouthwash you just smelled!" FML
Today, while running on the treadmill at the gym, the girl next to me slipped and went flying back against the wall. Indecisive whether to get off and help her or to just keep going, I lost my focus and footing and flew back next to her. FML
Today, after a day spent at the beach, I was looking back through our photos. Neither my husband, sisters, kids, or our friends bothered to tell me that my white swimsuit became a bit see-through when wet. In absolutely every photo you could clearly see my pubes and my nipples. FML
Today, I have spheksophobia, a fear of wasps and hornets. Instead of being supportive, my parents have decided that threatening to beat the dog shit out of me whenever I react to a wasp in the house is the best way to "cure" me. They also won't spray against wasps because dad claims it irritates his allergies. FML
Today, my boys get in so much trouble, I don’t even bother checking on them anymore. Instead, every ten minutes, I yell up the stairs to stop whatever they’re doing, and every time without fail they guiltily apologise and try to blame each other/promise to fix it/swear not to do it again. EVERY TIME. FML
Today, my parents decided to go on a diet. This would be perfectly fine if they didn’t insist I go on one too. I weigh less than 90 pounds and am underweight for my height. FML
Today, I ordered sushi for dinner. When it arrived, I realized the delivery driver had given me the wrong order, a family-sized vegan lasagna. I don’t even like regular lasagna, let alone vegan lasagna. FML
Today, my dad came home roughly 3 hours early. He came back because he was laid off from his job, because there was no work for him on his current shift and they haven't found a replacement shift for him at the job he's currently at. Shouldn't they have figured that out in advance? FML
Today, I went into my dad’s phone out of suspicion and read his texts. Instant regret. He’s 65, goes to various prostitutes, mum’s oblivious, they’re happy and take care of each other. This one’s a weird one to suppress or learn to let go. FML
Today, our dog is a racist. No other way to say it. We’ve had her since she was born, raised her just like our other dogs, but every time we try to take her for a walk, if she spots a black person, any black person, she barks at them, and once almost bit someone. We don’t know what to do. FML
Today, in the morning, my wife and I were having hot but silent sex on my futon while our 3 year-old slept in his crib. It was going great until my turn to come when I released a loud, "AARRGHHHHHH". My son promptly got up, took one look at me and his mother's back, then promptly went back to sleep without a word. FML
Today, our 16 year-old daughter is still staging a protest because we won’t let her scummy boyfriend move in with us. She’s decided to go on a “bathing strike” until we change our minds. It’s been over 30 days and our house smells like an NFL locker room took a shit in a bus station. FML
Today, to save money, my wife decided, among other things, to make her own butter. It required cream bought fresh from a nearby farm and a lot of hand churning. I worked it out: by the time all the cream became butter, it was 4 times more expensive than Asda butter, expires faster, and tastes worse FML
Today, I decided to clean my apartment from top to bottom. Once I was done, I looked over at my puppy, who then woke up, stretched, got out of his basket and started to pee. I shouted, "No!" Scared, he then ran all over the place, still peeing. FML
Today, my date took me to some sort of comic book/computer convention. I think he was trying to impress me with his online reputation, but it didn’t come across as tech suave, it was more nerd pathetic, the kind that makes vaginas go dry faster than a sand enema. I went home alone, bored. FML
Today, it was my turn to do the dishes. My lazy dad just leaves his dishes in the sink without even wiping or rinsing them out, and it's been going on for weeks. When I confronted him about it, he gave a childish huff and said, "Well, next time, YOU make me breakfast!" He's unemployed and never does the dishes. FML
Today, my boss found out that I have a second job in a similar industry and tried to fire me for disloyalty, industrialist espionage, theft of intellectual property, you name it. I need a second job because he pays peanuts, and it’s a specialised skill set so I got a similar job just for convenience. FML
Today, I was scammed by con artists, using a business to send out fraudulent checks for a fake "stay at home" job. Now not only do I have to try job hunting again, I'm also $2,000 in the hole with my bank account. You scam artist losers need to get off your ass and get a real job. FML
Today, I went to the store. In the span of 10 minutes, I went from not needing to pee, to pissing myself in the middle of the crowded store. It wasn’t even just a little bit, it was a full-on stream, and there were no toilets in this store. I’m only 24. FML
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