By angela

Busted!

Today, I went to a party. Although I wasn't drinking, I was still afraid the cops would bust me. Halfway through the party, the cops showed up. I tried to hop a fence, ripping my pants and cutting my leg in the meantime. It wasn't until was on the ground that I found out there was a gate. FML

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Taking stock

Am I the asshole?

Be more specific

By Anonymous - Australia

Today, while babysitting, I brought over some colouring-in sheets as an activity. I said that I should bring some Christmas-themed ones for next time. The little girl then turned to me and said "If there is a next time." I've been put on probation by an 8-year-old. FML

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By Pisspants - Canada - Edmonton

Today, I was at work and I needed to pee. In my haste, I forgot to lock the door. A coworker walked in on me and I bolted up mid-stream to slam the door back shut. I had pee down my leg and pee squishing in my shoes for the rest of the day. I can still remember his tone of voice, yelling, "Sorry"! FML

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By Fmylife - United States

Today, I have a cold. Trying to clear out my stuffy nose, I tried putting mouthwash in my nose. Thinking it was an awesome idea, I put some more in. I then starting screaming in pain due to the extreme burning in my nostrils. FML

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By single - Canada

The Boxer

Today, I was going to propose to my girlfriend of 3 years. I checked the box with the ring to make sure it was still there, and saw a piece of paper in it. It said, "No." FML

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By okaydisarray - United States - Dayton

Today, I received a letter from an eBay seller for whom I recently left an honest, negative review. I don't know what I was expecting, but I certainly wasn't ready for what spilled out coating my jeans, shoes, and brand new carpet: Glitter. FML

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By Anonymous - 7/5/2021 17:01 - New Zealand

Classic

Today, I pulled up to an intersection behind a car waiting to turn left and we missed a whole set of lights. As I was getting frustrated that they weren’t going when the light was green, I realised I was waiting behind a parked car. FML

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By abby181 - United States

Today, my six year old nephew told me to peel off my skin because, "They say you look prettier on the inside." FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was sitting on the bus when a good looking girl accidentally brushed her ass up against my shoulder as she walked past. This only made me realize that this has been the closest I've come to touching a girls ass in over a year. FML

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By Username - United States

Today, I woke up early and went to the dermatologist's, only to have them tell me that the skin condition I have that causes big, white spots to appear is chronic and I can do nothing about it. But they did give me cream for a different skin condition they found. FML

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By family is bullshit - 6/6/2021 08:01

Choose your family

Today, I've been guilt tripped, ranted at, called names, ostracized and told what a horrible person I am for, "turning my back on family." My former brother is in jail for unspeakable crimes, yet somehow I’m the bad guy for not standing by and supporting him or offering to help pay for a lawyer. FML

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By Anonymous - Denmark

Today, I got the flu. Feeling really sick and depressed, I called my boyfriend to get some comfort. When he didn't answer his cell, I called his house, only to hear his mother telling me "he was so sad that we broke up." I didn't know. FML

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By AZN656 - Australia

Today, I found out my brother blew chunks into the inside of my jeans. How did I find this out? I put them on. FML

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By Moon-chan - Netherlands

Today, I was cycling home. On the way, my laces got stuck in the bicycle pedals and I couldn't move the foot that got stuck. The bicycle fell over, with me attached to it. Everyone was looking at me like, "What are you doing?" FML

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By Username - Netherlands

Today, my sister announced that she had gotten engaged. I was happy for her until I found out she's marrying the guy who relentlessly bullied me all through high school. FML

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By Zanquis

Today, I got stuck with a water damaged kitchen. The manufactor says their warranty doesn't cover it as it's user error, my insurance says they don't cover it as it's a manufacturer error. FML

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By MickyIsEVIL - Japan - Nagoya

Today, I was yelled at while I was shopping by some lady, because she saw my tattoo on my arm. She screamed that I'm the "spawn of Satan" and told me I'm going to hell. It's a fake tattoo of Mickey mouse. FML

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By squirrel - United States

Today, I was wearing a shirt that had a picture of a squirrel and acorns with a caption reading "Protect Your Nuts". My dad walked up to me, read my shirt, then punched me in the balls. FML

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By twinkygaymer

Obey!

Today, I got screamed at by a girl because I said I didn’t want to go on a date with her. I’m a gay man. FML

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By and not even in the good way - United States

Today, I thought it would be funny to smack my daughter's head gently with a balloon. It hit her hair clip and exploded. She won't stop crying, and my wife will be home any minute. I'm screwed. FML

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By rainyday - United States

Today, my boyfriend and I broke up. I said that at least I was always there for him when he needed me. He said "When did I need you?" FML

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By cjy152 - United States

Today, I found out that my stalker ex-girlfriend named her new born son after me. FML

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By S12Sophia - France

Today, my boyfriend and I were making love for the first time, when out of nowhere my cat meowed from the doorway. My boyfriend sighed, pulled out, and exasperatedly called me a selfish bitch for not having put my cat outside. FML

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By faglypoog

Today, my $200 drone malfunctioned and wouldn't stop. For fifteen minutes I followed it on my bike until it finally disappeared. On the way back I was pulled over for not wearing a helmet. FML

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By SinkyBalls - Canada

Today, I found out my roommate thinks the sink is an appropriate place to wash his junk. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom - Warrington

Yada yada yada

Today, I finally got up the courage to talk to my four-year boyfriend about how insecure I've been feeling in our relationship recently, and how I needed his support while I try to get my self-esteem back on-track. He fell asleep mid-conversation. FML

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By HunkyFez - 28/8/2020 08:06 - Australia

Dad joke number 287474

Today, my dad offered to make me lunch as it was my first day at a new school. Today was also the day I had to eat a penis-shaped sandwich in front of my new peers. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Utica

Today, after spending a week defending my marriage to everyone, I found out my husband has an addiction I never knew about. Hookers. FML

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By noodlesandmilk - Australia - Canberra

Today, my step-brother went grocery shopping alone for the first time. He came home with Ramen and 14 bottles of chocolate milk, which will expire by the 20th. My step-dad is insisting we eat it so it doesn't go to waste. FML

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By cydia123

Today, my boss threatened to fire me. Why? An old lady spent 30 minutes looking at our menu before asking for "cottage pie." After telling her that it wasn't an item on the menu, she spent another 20 minutes deciding. She then asked for several more items we didn't have, then complained to my boss. FML

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By Anonymous - 18/3/2021 14:58 - United States - Bothell

Check yourself

Today, the dorm above me had their toilet pipe break and leak through my ceiling, so I have to move rooms. The worst part was I answered the door to let the repairman in while I was in pajamas, but he looked uncomfortable. I didn't notice until he left that my 'thing' was poking out. FML

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By Andy - Canada - Toronto

Today, I attended a formal banquet. The host was delivering a speech, when I felt the urge to pee, so I tried to quietly excuse myself. My chair screeched over the floor as I got up, I tripped over my own feet, and I accidentally took the door leading outdoors, where I ended up peeing in shame. FML

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By lol112 - United States - Monroe Township

Today, when I was ordering pizza, I got a text from my mom saying "I love you". When the man thanked me I accidentally said, "I love you too." FML

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By unluckybirthdaykid

Today, my birthday, was going great until my boyfriend received a text from a girl saying he gave her chlamydia. Now I have no boyfriend, but at least I have the chlamydia keeping me company. FML

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By Shoeless - United States

Today, after I drank way too much, my friend pulled the car over so I could throw up. Next to my pile of puke was a discarded shoe that looked remarkably like one from my favorite pair. When I got home, I realized that my left shoe was missing. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Auburn

Today, I had to explain to my teacher that Czechoslovakia is no longer a country. She kicked me out of class when she found out I was right. FML

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By Dog Person Now

Today, I came home to find that my sweet kitten had gotten out and dragged a bird inside, where he ripped it to shreds. I found the bird's head in my underwear drawer. FML

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By someone - Denmark

Today, I went to the dentist to get a hole in my tooth filled. After the dentist had injected the anesthetic into my gums, she realized that none of the electrical equipment were working. She sent me home. My entire right side of my face is completely numb and swollen for no reason. FML

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By gerbilmaster - United States - Lynnwood

Today, I had 3 teeth pulled. Due to the anaesthesia, my mom came along to drive me home. Halfway through my surgery, she decided to leave and go shopping with her friend. She even left a note with the receptionist, saying that I needed to take on my own adult responsibilities. FML

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By Okay - United States

Today, my sister had her first kiss. She was very excited and she told me all about it. She then asked me to tell her about the first time I kissed a guy, what it was like, who it was with, etc. I had to make one up. I have never been kissed before. My sister is 6 years younger than me. FML

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By Anonymous - Czech Republic - Prague

Today, I forgot an important book for school, because I dreamt that I was putting it in my bag. My brain somehow classified it as reality. This isn't the first time my dreams have trolled me. FML

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Top comments

By Wobba1470 | 11

#7896370 - Friday 10 April 2020 8:00

And why were you afraid?

By malicemassacre | 17

#7896624 - Saturday 11 April 2020 9:56

This is why the virus is still spreading and people are getting sick. Ydi. Stay home people.

COMMENTS

By RhymePrime | 7

#7896326 - Friday 10 April 2020 1:36

That wasn't very smart...

By RichardPencil | 30

#7896341 - Friday 10 April 2020 2:41

Crime doesn't pay!

By bloopaloop | 27

#7896347 - Friday 10 April 2020 4:19

Don’t run from cops...

By Wobba1470 | 11

#7896370 - Friday 10 April 2020 8:00

And why were you afraid?

By malicemassacre | 17

#7896624 - Saturday 11 April 2020 9:56

This is why the virus is still spreading and people are getting sick. Ydi. Stay home people.