Today, my flight home was delayed, then cancelled. I've been hiding in the bathroom for almost an hour, just to get a break from my mom's endless stream of celebrity gossip and every other thought that comes into her head, all while she cooks delicious food that I can no longer eat due to severe allergies. FML
Today, my two boys wanted to sleep in bed with us. My wife gave them the okay, even though there’s not enough room for all of us to lay. I’m now sleeping in my 3 year-old’s bed. FML
Today, my CEO called and spoke to me like I'm a child. Apparently, she has a surprise for me, "but only if I clean up my office first." She hasn't been to my office in months because she works in another state. Turns out, someone texted her a picture of my messy office. FML
Today, I was on the phone with my boyfriend and I told him that I was going to tickle him, to which he responded me how he’d “crack” me in the head so that I’d never even think about tickling him again. It threw me into a panic attack and people laughed. I’m a survivor of domestic violence. FML
Today, after months of dealing with homophobic abuse for my coworkers and supervisors at my previous job, I was excited to start my new job where most of my co-workers were LGBTQ. I find out a majority of them don't like me because my fiancé is a deputy sheriff. FML
Today, my partner was sent 450 miles away by the army, after he had been home for only 22 hours. Yesterday they told him he could come home for two weeks. I guess the British army doesn't want me to be happy. FML
Today, I went on a first date with a guy. He told me his wife had filed for divorce this morning (I had no idea he had ever been married) and then he sent me the e-receipt for my nachos along with his Venmo handle. FML
Today, my brother and I were nearly made homeless by a good friend and roommate, because after repeatedly leading on my brother, and admitting she’s disrespected me all along, she and her boyfriend took off suddenly without a word of notice, leaving us to a house we can't afford alone. FML
Today, I woke up to a flooded apartment. Apparently, the upstairs neighbor's bathtub had overflowed and water was pouring through my ceiling. My landlord said he couldn't do anything until the water stopped, so I spent the morning frantically trying to mop up the water while feeling completely helpless. FML
Today, after a full year of work getting my house decorated, it was finally finished. I stepped back from the last painted wall to admire it and my neighbour on the other side of the wall, who was doing some decorating of his own, drilled too far and punched his drill bit right through the wall. FML
Today, I've come to accept that I'll likely never be intimidating or taken seriously, because despite being 6'3" and 205 lbs, I have the face of a 12 year-old. I'm 25. FML
Today, I broke my glasses, so I scheduled an appointment to get a new pair. The soonest available appointment? November 21st. FML
Today, I have cynophobia. My dog-loving friend refuses to acknowledge that it's real. Her dogs are vicious and mean, and she believes it is cruel to muzzle them. Not to mention they're almost the size of me, and I'm 6'2 and 220lbs. This is literally why I have cynophobia in the first place. FML
Today, I asked my husband if we could start talking about kids. He said sure, so we talked about kids. Then I asked if we could maybe start trying to have kids, and he said, “Absolutely fucking not, are you mad? What’s wrong with you?” FML
Today, when I arrived to a prospective customer's home to give her a shower replacement estimate, a sheriff pulled up behind me and arrested said customer. I drove a 3-hour round trip to this appointment. FML
Today, I discovered that my dishwasher has a filter. I cleaned out food from it that has never been in my kitchen since I moved in. FML
Today, my psychiatrist prescribed Xanax. I thought that was a little extreme and that my anxiety wasn't bad enough for that. Within the next hour, I had 2 panic attacks. I guess I'm worse off than I thought. FML
Today, my alarm clock consisted of my children stomping on my manhood while dumping Froot Loops on my head. FML
Today, I had to poop, but as I sat down, it wouldn't come out. After about 10 minutes I realized I needed help. The only help I could get was my mother, who couldn't stop laughing at the sweat and faces I made. I still hurt. FML
Today, while trying to relax because I'm sick and I feel like crap, the shower head attachment fell and hit me on the head. FML
Today, my dad is in the hospital for heart failure. Almost every single one of my aunts, uncles, and cousins have managed to find a way to make it about themselves for attention. FML
Today, I've lost so much weight from depression that I don't fit into women's clothing anymore. There's nothing like trying to find dress pants in the kids section. FML
Today, I went back to work after a nasty sinus infection. While I was talking to my manager, I sniffled, and a huge ropy string of green snot popped out of my nose. My manager pointed and shrieked, "OH MY GOD! EWWWW!", getting the attention of everyone in the office. FML
Today, my girlfriend won't stop complaining about the recent lack of intimacy in our relationship. There's an easy solution to this problem, but I'm currently covered in poison ivy rashes and she refuses to let me touch her until they clear up. Guess I'd better get used to itching and whining. FML
Today I knocked on one of my roommate's door and asked her to stop vacuuming since it's was late. She started to record me and went on a tirade about how none of the girls there respect her. She has previously tried to push two girls down the stairs. Her lease isn't up for 4 more months. FML
Today, I asked my science teacher if he'd had my mom when she went to my high school. He took one look at me, glared, and said, "Oh yeah, I remember HER." I have that class every day the rest of the year. Thanks a lot, Mom. FML
Today, our dog is old and deaf, and has figured out she just needs to bark if she needs to be let inside. Unfortunately, she's also a bit senile, so sometimes she just barks for no reason, while lying still and quite comfortably on her dog bed, staring at nothing. FML
Today, it seems my body wants me to be a hermit: alone in nature for days, I'm fine. Yet to any kind of stress – like being at the office or in a social setting – my body reacts with smelly sweats, extreme bloating, and frequent flatulence. FML
Today, I ended up in the hospital for the fourth time since beginning of January due to kidney stones. FML
Today, it occurred to me that it’s not normal that I still fit into all my clothes from when I was in high school. I’m 24 and I haven’t outgrown any of my clothes since I was 12. FML
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