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  • - Concept: An anecdote always starts with Today and ends with FML. There are no taboo subjects, feel free to express yourself.
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Today, whilst pleasuring myself in my bedroom, I began absent-mindedly staring at a spider on the ceiling. It wasn't until the point of climax that I realised that I was, in effect, masturbating over a spider. FML

#14205128
143 comments

I agree, your life sucks (23774) - you deserved it (20598)

On 12/14/2010 at 7:00pm - intimacy - by Anonymous (woman) - United Kingdom (Gloucestershire)

Today, I had an interview for my dream job. I was offered coffee and a donut. It was going well until I took a bite of the donut and started choking on it. I coughed so hard I ended up vomiting into his garbage can. FML

#19781489
103 comments

I agree, your life sucks (23773) - you deserved it (3247)

On 06/13/2012 at 10:50am - work - by lonelyharts86 - Canada (Ontario)

Today, I woke up to a bloody nose. Instead of rushing to the bathroom, I creatively dripped the blood over a knife for photography class because the assignment was to show emotion. So many of the students and faculty were disturbed that I'm now forced to talk to the school psychologist. FML

#15000344
218 comments

I agree, your life sucks (23772) - you deserved it (36356)

On 02/16/2011 at 7:56am - misc - by rhartnett11 -

Today, I came back to my dormitory after a long shift at work. After using the toilet, I looked at myself in the mirror, only to find a huge piece of food stuck between my front teeth. I work at one of the fanciest restaurants in town; nobody bothered to tell me anything. FML

#21346560
21 comments

I agree, your life sucks (23772) - you deserved it (2321)

On 01/29/2015 at 11:53pm - work - by Eyalsh (man) - Germany (Mecklenburg-Vorpommern)

Today, I sneezed with so much force while I was driving that I whacked my head on the steering wheel and honked the horn. FML

#7268268
81 comments

I agree, your life sucks (23771) - you deserved it (4058)

On 01/10/2010 at 10:37pm - misc - by Hayley (woman) - Canada (Alberta)

Today, while at the gym, I noticed a foul smell while on elliptical machine. I figured it was the little old lady on the machine next to me. It was so bad I had to leave. When I got in my truck, I realized the smell had followed me. It was me. My cat had pissed on my workout clothes. FML

#13402192
80 comments

I agree, your life sucks (23771) - you deserved it (8089)

On 10/11/2010 at 2:00am - health - by cdubb27 - United States (California)

Today, a homeless guy grabbed me and started ranting that "the Mayans were right" or some shit. He was making about as much sense as Charlie Sheen outside of a padded cell, so I shoved him away. That's when he decided to pull a knife and chase me all the way to my car. FML

#19716436
94 comments

I agree, your life sucks (23771) - you deserved it (3783)

On 06/01/2012 at 5:08pm - misc - by kay (man) - United Kingdom (Kent)

Today, it was the girl of my dreams' birthday. She already knows I am totally in love with her. So for her birthday I decided to buy her a $60 dollar bottle of rum for her and her friends to have fun with. She picked it up from my house with her new boyfriend waiting in the car. FML

#11409432
154 comments

I agree, your life sucks (23770) - you deserved it (34573)

On 06/23/2010 at 7:06pm - love - by Anonymous (man) - United States (Texas)

Today, my husband threw up in the shower after drinking almost a whole bottle of wine. The shower won't drain now. Happy Thanksgiving. FML

Today, I introduced my girlfriend to my dad. I thought it was a good idea at the time, at least until he took her aside for a private chat. During the chat, he told her all about my two previous marriages and advised her to "get out while you can". FML

#19720849
81 comments

I agree, your life sucks (23771) - you deserved it (6597)

On 06/02/2012 at 12:55pm - love - by Norwegian (man) - Norway

Today, I found out that all the everyday Spanish words and phrases my boyfriend has been teaching me have very vulgar meanings. I found this out after I said a few to our waitress. FML

#17705736
72 comments

I agree, your life sucks (23769) - you deserved it (6012)

On 09/09/2011 at 6:33pm - misc - by Anonymous - United States

Today, my boss reprimanded me in front of the rest of the staff for "not following instructions" because I went to a company meeting. I have the email from him telling me to go to the meeting. He thinks I faked it. Unemployment sucks. FML

#20036858
68 comments

I agree, your life sucks (23769) - you deserved it (1441)

On 08/23/2012 at 1:24am - work - by BrokeButSmart - United States (Indiana)

Today, I picked off what I thought was a small bug feeding on my skin. I was wrong. It was a mole. I spent the last 30 minutes trying to stop the continuous bleeding. FML

#17514634
114 comments

I agree, your life sucks (23765) - you deserved it (9817)

On 08/18/2011 at 11:22pm - health - by c.hip - United States (California)



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