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Today, the dog went nuts at 3am. I searched the yard with a spotlight and machete. Nothing. He may actually just be an asshole. FML

by panda / 03/03/2011 at 6:20am / Animals

Today, I realized that my husband and I are at that point in our marriage where "sleeping together" means scooting closer to each other in the bed. FML

by oldsoulyoungbody / 01/30/2012 at 10:07am / United States / Intimacy

Today, after having a pretty rough day, I decided a nice, hot shower would be great. Ten minutes in, the shower head apparently couldn't take the water pressure anymore, and it flew off and hit me in the face. FML

by Anonymous / 05/17/2012 at 5:54pm / United States (Texas) / Miscellaneous

Today, after finally spending the night with my longtime crush, it's as if I can still feel her fingers caressing my hair. But wait, no, that's just the head lice she gave me. FML

by Anonymous / 06/26/2015 at 4:08pm / United States (Tennessee) / Love

Today, I found out that my wife sent nudie pics to her ex-husband. My wife's excuse for the pics? "I needed a compliment because I thought you didn't love me." FML

by beno / 01/07/2009 at 10:25am / United States (Texas) / Love

 Today, I had to explain to my little brother yet again that no, socks don't count as toilet paper. FML

by maggieyokoi / 06/15/2015 at 3:11pm / Kids

Today, I was just about to sit down to watch my favorite TV show when my dog jumped over the back of my couch, landed on my head and tried to jump through the window. I now have concussion and a window to replace, all because of a bird. FML

by Mr.P / 10/21/2011 at 11:35am / United States (Minnesota) / Animals

Today, after church, my 5-year-old son asked me about God, so I answered his questions in full. We talked about God for over 2 hours. At the end of it all, he pondered for a moment, before saying to me "That's the stupidest thing I ever heard. You're dumb." FML

by bleredoshia / 04/08/2010 at 12:27am / New Zealand (Auckland) / Kids

Today, I found out that my Mum has spent the money she's been saving for my wedding on moving house. She called saving for a wedding for me a 'pointless cause' as it's probably never going to happen now. I'm only 22. FML

by Anonymous / 01/12/2011 at 8:14am / United Kingdom / Money

Today, I sneezed so hard that I hit my head against the wall. FML

by Anonymous / 10/01/2011 at 7:44am / Sweden (Vastra Gotaland) / Miscellaneous

Today, I was told it was inconvenient for me to take lunch breaks, because someone else has to answer the phones and no one else wants to actually do any work. FML

by tee / 04/06/2015 at 4:02pm / United States (Missouri) / Work

Today, I let out the most horrific, loudest, and most vile smelling fart I have ever had in my life while in the middle of yoga class. Out of embarrassment, I tried to lessen the tension in the silent room by giggling, but no one saw the funny side. I was given looks of horror, and avoided by everyone else for the rest of the class. FML

by yogapants / 09/24/2010 at 4:21pm / Switzerland (Zurich) / Health

Today, an older man sat next to me while he ate his lunch. He dropped what I assumed was his cutlery. Wanting to help out, I picked it up off the floor. It was his teeth. FML

by jules / 03/10/2011 at 2:53am / United States / Health