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Follow through

By Anonymous - 21/07/2022 16:00

Today, my kid was on an app that makes fart noises. After too many minutes of this, I wrestled the phone away. He then went on to make real farts. Stinky ones. Then, had the inevitable shart, along with hysterical laughter. FML

I agree, your life sucks 899

You deserved it 282

No pain, no gain

By SailorVenus93 - 26/02/2021 08:01 - United States - Fredericksburg

Today, I woke up with a sore clitoris. I haven't had sex with my boyfriend for weeks, but I did masturbate yesterday. I guess I can't get horny without feeling pain afterwards. FML

I agree, your life sucks 899

You deserved it 219

Shitty situation

By Anonymous - 08/01/2022 05:01

Today, I went to change my one year-old son's diaper and it was a total disaster! He'd picked at his diaper and it came loose. There was poop all over his sleeper, and when I went to clean it up, he put his hands in it. Let's just say I threw the damn sleeper away. FML

I agree, your life sucks 899

You deserved it 226

You helped her see the light

By losercancer - 23/04/2021 21:30 - Georgia

Today, my girlfriend left me, saying she'd started to appreciate herself more with the help of a therapist. That I paid for her to visit. FML

I agree, your life sucks 899

You deserved it 231

By donguigeek - 24/12/2015 04:32 - France

Today, my 4-year-old son is distraught. This morning we saw a man, dressed as Santa, passed out drunk on a public bench. My son is now convinced that it was his corpse, and that Santa Claus is dead. FML

I agree, your life sucks 899

You deserved it 83

Moobs are great

By FML_Fan86 - 23/01/2021 20:02

Today, I finally got a "sexy" pic from my boyfriend. It was his man boobs. They're bigger than mine. FML

I agree, your life sucks 899

You deserved it 242

By desperatewife - 01/01/2016 01:47 - France

Today, it’s official, 2016 was the most catastrophic year for me, sexually, having had sex a total of zero times. It wouldn’t be so bad if I hadn’t been married for 6 years. FML

I agree, your life sucks 899

You deserved it 101

Classic

By Daniel - 09/08/2021 16:01

Today, at work, I casually mentioned I was meeting some friends for dinner. My co-worker's response was, "You have friends?!" FML

I agree, your life sucks 899

You deserved it 107

Mind your own business

By janie - 10/01/2021 17:01

Today, I'm so skinny that I was told to, “Eat a burger.” While I was eating a burger. FML

I agree, your life sucks 899

You deserved it 167

Miss Pissy

By Anonymous - 03/10/2019 02:00

Today, I was protesting for animal rights. On my way home, I accidentally hit a pig with my car. I freaked out and got out to check to see if it was OK. It knocked me over, spraining my wrist, and it pissed all over my pants. FML

I agree, your life sucks 899

You deserved it 1 932

The second coming

By Anonymous - 19/10/2023 10:00

Today, my husband is trying to divorce me because I’m pregnant, even though I’ve been told all my adult life that I’m infertile. I’ve never even had a period. He’s blaming me for lying to him because he never wanted kids. He even tried to claim it must be another guy's baby. He’s an idiot. FML

I agree, your life sucks 898

You deserved it 206

Don't jump to conclusions

By Anonymous - 27/12/2022 03:00

Today, my girlfriend of six months broke up with me. In her words, “Liking you fucked up my brain.” Later that afternoon, she posted a story of her with another dude’s arm around her. FML

I agree, your life sucks 898

You deserved it 150

Rookie mistake

By hayley - 05/12/2021 20:00

Today, I was taking a nap when my dad texted me, asking me to go check the mail. So I went outside, then the wind blew the front door shut, and it automatically locked. I didn’t have my key. FML

I agree, your life sucks 898

You deserved it 300

What's the tooth?

By Anonymous - 05/07/2023 12:00 - Germany

Today, I asked my dentist to have a look at the tiny crack his colleague repaired a few years ago, because it’s giving me trouble again. He looked in my mouth, took an X-ray, and could find neither the crack, nor the corresponding filling. FML

I agree, your life sucks 898

You deserved it 138

By Leijabug - 21/04/2019 18:00

Today, my best friend and I decided to dye our hair blue. We didn’t mean to also dye the ceiling, walls, shower, or floor. We DEFINITELY didn’t mean to dye our faces the day before school pictures that cannot be rescheduled. FML

I agree, your life sucks 898

You deserved it 3 164

Small is beautiful

By dickless wonder - 21/10/2023 10:00

Today, I met up with a girl I've been hanging out with a bunch recently. She said that we should be a couple, "unless you have a micropenis", then laughed. I actually do have a micropenis. I couldn't hold it together, and ran out of the bar, crying. FML

I agree, your life sucks 898

You deserved it 206

Lonely boy

By Anonymous - 31/01/2022 17:00

Today, I sprayed a woman's perfume on a pillow, just so it would be easier for me to pretend I have someone to hug and cuddle with. FML

I agree, your life sucks 898

You deserved it 266

Great customer service, thanks!

By Eli Maldonado - 29/05/2021 17:01

Today, I called customer service for my phone. We talked for a while and the man was very nice to me. Too nice. Right before hanging up, he said, “Have a good day ma’am!” He was flirting the whole time and I didn’t realize it, and he didn’t that I’m a guy. FML

I agree, your life sucks 898

You deserved it 181

No pain, no gain

By skinny & doomed - 06/06/2021 20:01

Today, after two full months of trying to gain weight, I haven’t gained a single pound. Instead, I now have severe and irreversible digestive problems from overeating. FML

I agree, your life sucks 898

You deserved it 235

Alexa, play "Isolation" by Joy Division

By Anonymous - 07/11/2020 04:56 - United States - Ashburn

Today, I jokingly said to my coworker, "God, what I wouldn't do for a week off work." I was then tested positive for COVID fifteen minutes later. FML

I agree, your life sucks 898

You deserved it 488

Don't blame the dog!

By Anonymous - 22/04/2023 10:00

Today, I realized that it's not just the dog who's cockblocking me and not letting me get close. My girlfriend, whom I live with, rejects practically every advance. Of course, during her shark week, at least I get an excuse. I average once a month if I'm lucky. FML

I agree, your life sucks 898

You deserved it 422

Rent-a-wreck

By PolarBear2020 - 11/02/2023 14:00

Today, I was driving my rented car on the highway at 60 mph when I realized that the brakes had gone. FML

I agree, your life sucks 898

You deserved it 101

Startled

By Achoo - 24/09/2022 20:00 - United States

Today, I tried to introduce myself to the stray cat outside my house. As it turns out, this cat is very friendly. He got up and started climbing on my shoulders like a parrot, sniffing me everywhere. Then I sneezed and he fell, scratching my back and neck very badly as he did so. FML

I agree, your life sucks 898

You deserved it 344

Plumbing issues

By oops - 25/01/2023 03:00

Today, I realized that sometimes when I sneeze, I pee a little. I’m 28 years-old and I've never had kid; I’m even a virgin. This shouldn’t be happening. FML

I agree, your life sucks 898

You deserved it 173

By Lying - 24/07/2014 06:09 - China - Shenzhen

Today, travelling in China, I was told to write a wish on a ribbon attached to a stone, and then throw it into a tree. The higher the wish lands, the greater the chance that it’ll come true. My wish landed in a trashcan. FML

I agree, your life sucks 898

You deserved it 104

Missing out

By Anonymous - 08/07/2021 00:02

Today, after I gave notice to quit my job 3 weeks ago, and my last day is tomorrow, I found out that all overtime is now $40 an hour. FML

I agree, your life sucks 897

You deserved it 234

Butt stuff

By Anonymous - 27/02/2023 12:00 - United States - Springfield

Today, I found a strange brown ball while emptying my husband's underwear from the dryer, more like a marble-sized pellet. It was exactly what it sounds like: a ball of shit. FML

I agree, your life sucks 897

You deserved it 107

Insurance is a scam

By leogs23 - 27/02/2021 16:58

Today, my fiancée wrecked my car so I had to use my other car to pick her up. Ten minutes after I did, my other car broke down in the middle of the road and I had to get it towed. My insurance covers none of these incidents. FML

I agree, your life sucks 897

You deserved it 227

Run for the hills

By Anonymous - 21/08/2022 04:00

Today, I heard for the nth time (I lost count after 100) how my roommate and her boyfriend plan to have kids (yes, plural) because we’re "BFF family", and "family babysits for free." She’s actively trying to get pregnant, but wants to continue smoking and drinking like a fish. FML

I agree, your life sucks 897

You deserved it 103

Consider yourself warned

By Anonymous - 26/02/2022 16:00

Today, I was warned by a friend that unless I make more effort with my boyfriend, he'll be snapped up by someone else, and proved it by showing me text screenshots of at least three women I know who are all hoping to pounce on him when I eventually fuck it up so badly he dumps me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 897

You deserved it 302

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The Top

Today, my drunk dad told me I'm smart enough that any guy could overlook the fact that I'm fat, but not smart enough that they could overlook how ugly I am. Gee, thanks. FML

I agree, your life sucks 20 556

You deserved it 1 878

Today, I broke up with my boyfriend of 2 years because I was tired of his childishness and anger, so he decided to send me 540 random text messages of scrambled letters in order to mess up my phone as well, as make me pay 20 cents for each message. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 582

You deserved it 5 746

Today, I turned 22, without anyone wishing me a happy birthday. In fact, the only phone call I received all day was from my brother. He wanted to borrow money. FML

I agree, your life sucks 135 198

You deserved it 7 470

Today, after being moved to three different employer-provided apartments because they all had mold and electrical problems, I requested a bigger bed. The bed they delivered had bedbugs. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 702

You deserved it 386

Today, I learned how it feels like when you fall off a second floor balcony with mom's flower pot, landing on your back. My mom got pissed because of her beloved flowers, and gave me a lecture while I rolled on the ground in pain. FML

I agree, your life sucks 854

You deserved it 129

Today, I was having a romantic dinner at home with my girlfriend. Everything was perfect—candles, wine, the whole shebang. As we sat down, I felt something moving under the table. I thought it was her playing footsie. Nope, it was our cat with a very live, very tetchy mouse he'd just caught. Cue the screaming and wine spilling everywhere. FML

I agree, your life sucks 428

You deserved it 111