By FML_Fan86 - 23/1/2021 20:02

Moobs are great

Today, I finally got a "sexy" pic from my boyfriend. It's of his man boobs. They're bigger than mine. FML

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Commando

What a headache

Creepy idea, dude

By dumpedattheclub - United States

Today, me and my girlfriend went to the club. The song "Single Ladies" by Beyonce came on; the DJ came on the mic and said "Single ladies raise your hands!" My girlfriend raised her hand. FML

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By JazzyandAlice - United States

Today, I went to babysit eight kids under the age of ten, all by myself. After five hours of Hell, the parents finally came back from the ASU game. I got paid $5. FML

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By well fuck!

Today, I was grocery shopping with my kids. As I was buckling them into their car seats, two men jumped out of a truck, hoisted my cart and sped off. According to security, this has become a regular occurrence at the store. My entire month of groceries gone in seconds. FML

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By Paulshaun1 - United Kingdom - Luton

Today, my mother told me she thinks it is time for me to move into my own place. I agreed with her and went to look at studios/ flats online. She later came into my room, saw me looking at places and then got pissed off at me, saying that I hate her for wanting to leave her. FML

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By thatswhatsup66 - United States - Greer

Today, I was at a restaurant, and I saw my friend. When we made eye contact, I made a creepy face at her and twitched my arms to make her laugh. A woman looked over said sadly, "Oh my God, that poor girl!" She thought I was "special." FML

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By Sophie - United Kingdom

Today, I got hit by a car. My friends left me to get to the hospital myself. The cab was double fare. FML

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By mcase - United States - Compton

Today, my 17-year-old daughter's friend told her that superglue works well as lip gloss. She tried it. FML

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By Eduardo - 18/4/2021 20:00

Hard no

Today, my 30-year old cousin, who is unemployed, parasitic and never completed high-school, whose girlfriend is a crack addict, wants to move into my place. He was evicted from an apartment building two weeks ago for assaulting some neighbors. FML

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By stanDman - Canada

Today, I sprayed hair spray under my arms instead of anti-perspirant. I didn't realize it until I went to put my shirt on and couldn't raise my arms. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, my little cousin is going to be staying at our house for a year or so, because of financial problems. It wouldn't be so bad if it weren't for the fact that every single night he creeps up on me while I'm sleeping, and shouts "GO F YOURSELF!" directly into my ear. Only another 11 months to go. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I got to meet the guy that I have been talking to over a dating website. We were having a great time, at least until I managed to randomly fall asleep in front of him. I spent the rest of the day sending text messages trying to explain to him that I suffer from narcolepsy. FML

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By The Doc

Today, I was on a first date at a bar, when a girl walks over and ask me if I'm a doctor. I said yes, thinking she overheard me talking about my PhD. The girl then showed me a lump on her breast and asked what to do about it. My date then slapped me and left. FML

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By BARF - United States

Today, I was having cybersex via webcam with my boyfriend. Trying to be as sexy as I could, I started sucking on my finger. Judging by the look on my boyfriend's face, he was getting really into it. As I started getting into it too, I shoved my finger too far down and puked all over my laptop. FML

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By SadIndianLife - India - Delhi

Today, my girlfriend's mother is more into me than she is. FML

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By uglyone - United Kingdom

Today, I was going out with my supermodel-gorgeous friend, so I put extra effort into looking good. I thought I looked pretty good, but when we got to the station, a drunk old man looked at us and loudly announced "That's always the way it is, there's a fit one and an ugly one". FML

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By anonymous.. - United States

Today, my mom told me I was conceived on Halloween. She thought it would be funny to say "Let's just say your dad was not wearing his ghost costume." She then winked. I am now scarred for life. FML

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By B_McG - Canada

Today, I found out that my mother has been purposely wrecking every relationship I've had since junior high because ''no one is good enough for her little girl''. FML

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By twintowers - United States

Today, my boyfriend and I were having phone sex. It got very wild and soon was interrupted by a knock on my door. My dad had come home early from work, and heard the whole thing. He demanded my boyfriend to come over, and he had a sex talk with him on the couch in front of the whole family. FML

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By mouseart

Today, I work as an assistant to a sculptor. We finished all our projects early so his wife decided to have me clean their kitchen. I wasn't paying attention and picked up a dead mouse. I screamed and threw it away as hard as I could. It hit their five-year-old son in the face. FML

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By choker - United States

Today, I went to Walmart with my mom. At the check out line I was eating a bag of chips as my mom bought her stuff. I inhaled while eating and I started to choke. The cashier asked me if I was okay. My mom just waved her hand, and said, "Sometimes she does that for attention, ignore her." FML

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By Anonymous - 16/2/2021 02:01

Gonna need more details, please

Today, I learned my husband thinks that our 10 year relationship has been a "step above mediocre" since 8 years ago, when we got married, and his family melted down that our wedding didn't happen their way, and thus began their undermining of our relationship. He believes it's "no ones fault." Uh huh. FML

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By serverdessert - United States

Today, at the restaurant where I work, I served a table of 4 middle-age women. Before greeting the table, I was deciding between saying "Can I get you anything to drink?" and "Can I start you off with something?" My actual greeting? "Can I get you ladies off?" FML

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By clkoko - United States - Buffalo

Today, I noticed that the eye drops I have been using 3 times a day for the past week expired when the Jonas Brothers were popular. FML

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By bymyself

Today, the nicest thing said to me all day was from my microwave that flashes 'enjoy your meal' when it finishes cooking something. FML

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By Anonymous - 10/4/2021 10:59

Tradwife expectations

Today, the man I love and who loves me ended our relationship. Why? Because I want to work 3 days a week, which wouldn’t conform to the traditional gender roles he envisions his future wife having. FML

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By JustWashedTheseJeans

Today, I pissed my pants in fear for the first time. Was I at a spooky haunted house? Nope, I turned a corner and got startled by a parked car. FML

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By Anonymous - 20/12/2020 02:08 - United States - Pittsburgh

Lockdown boredom

Today, thanks to 10 months of lockdown, the most intimate thing I have done on a Saturday night during this time is use a hobby knife to cut 1/4" thick calluses off my feet. I don't even walk anywhere. FML

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By rawdoglyfe69 - United States - Helena

Today, I learned two things. First, my girlfriend loves sex. Second, I'm practically the only one she hasn't had sex with in the 2 months we've been dating. FML

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By SGreene

Today, a storm dropped a tree across my road. I would have moved it with my tractor, but there was a tree on that too. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Sunnyvale

Today, I came home from work to my 4-year old daughter cussing left and right. I asked her about it; she said that her brother had taught her some words. When I confronted him about the situation, he kicked my shin and screamed, "Stop treating me like a fucking child!" He's 5. FML

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By IBleedArbor - United States

Realistic

Today, my dad told me to take my stress out by getting a girlfriend. My mom laughed and said, "No that won't work, just go jack off in the shower again." FML

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By nothesisforme - France

Today, I asked my professor for his opinion on the subject I plan to study in my thesis. Turns out, he likes it so much that he's going to steal it from me. FML

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By oouchh - United Kingdom

Today, I bumped into my ex-boyfriend I still love, and his new girlfriend, who he cheated on me with. Embarrassingly, she was wearing the same top as me. However hers was in size 6, unlike my 16. FML

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By Lunab123 - United States - Potomac

Today, I had food poisoning and woke up early in the morning to vomit. My mom emailed all of my teachers saying that I would be late to school because of "morning sickness". Thanks mom. FML

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By beriles - United States

Today, I was sitting next to the guy I am trying to get close to while we were at the bar. Music was playing, so I thought that while his attention was diverted I would sneak out a yawn. Just as I did so, the music went silent and I let out a tremendous burp. FML

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By AdamFoundHisEve - France

Today, I had a dream about toasting with champagne. Whilst asleep, I extended my hand to toast, then brought my hand to my mouth to "drink the bubbly." I knocked over the glass of water I keep on my bedside table. My iPhone is now ruined, and in shock of my wet arm, I jerked backward headbutting my wife's face. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, it was my daughter's birthday. She had been wanting a cat for a long time, so I went to the animal shelter and got an orange one. As soon as she saw it, she ran upstairs screaming, "GINGER! GINGER!" She refuses to come downstairs until I get rid of "the soulless creature." FML

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By bob - United States

Today, I was eating noodles. Midway through chewing, I sneezed. The noodles got stuck in my nose. FML

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By Wow. - United States

Today, my girlfriend refused to take a picture with me to prove to my friends that I do indeed have a girlfriend. I got so desperate that I photoshopped myself into one of her Facebook photos instead. FML

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By Ben - United States

Today, I was talking this pretty religious girl that I like. We were playing a game and I asked her if she could go back in history and meet anyone who would it be. She said Jesus. Without thinking I said "I mean someone that was real." FML

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Top comments

By RichardPencil | 30

#7966700 - Saturday 23 January 2021 20:57

You can always buy him a sexy mansierre, or a "bro."

By rainbowdonnareed | 18

#7966714 - Saturday 23 January 2021 22:30

Karmer had some good ideas

COMMENTS

By RichardPencil | 30

#7966700 - Saturday 23 January 2021 20:57

You can always buy him a sexy mansierre, or a "bro."

Reply

rainbowdonnareed | 18

#7966714 - Saturday 23 January 2021 22:30

Karmer had some good ideas

Reply

FML_Fan86 | 6

#7966719 - Saturday 23 January 2021 22:35

the poster here... hahaha we've joked he needs a bra..🤣

By xxlk4xx | 5

#7966757 - Sunday 24 January 2021 2:55

I promise you that having bigger boobs suck ass lol, harder to find the proper size and be comfortable at the same time, shirts don't fit the way you like and you can't go braless in a cute dress during the summer! but I also remember being smaller and wanting bigger boobs 🤣 grass is always greener