By FML_Fan86 - 23/1/2021 20:02

Moobs are great

Today, I finally got a "sexy" pic from my boyfriend. It's of his man boobs. They're bigger than mine. FML

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Sorry…

Season finale

Taking stock

By Anonymous - United States - Pueblo

Today, at work, a good song came on and I started dancing to it. I guess security thought my Michael Jackson crotch-grab was funny, because a printout of it is now pinned in our break room. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada - Mississauga

Today, I realized that it's become a regular occurrence for my mother and me to talk about our pubic hair. I don't know which is worse: the fact that I know she shaves it, or the fact that we even talk about this stuff. FML

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By hungry - United States

Today, my mom asked me if I had an eating problem because I've been eating less. I only started eating less because she told me I ate too much. FML

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By Mb13

Today, I got my nipples pierced. Momentarily forgetting about the piercings, I started to lather up with my loofa. Shark week in the shower. FML

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By Oops - United States - Augusta

Today, I was at Walmart when I saw my grandpa in the next aisle looking at magazines. Wanting to surprise him, I ran up behind him and hugged him around the middle. Up close, I realized he wasn't my grandpa. FML

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By kmyltd - Australia - Mount Eliza

Today, while having sex with my boyfriend, I remembered I had a Reese's Krispy Kreme doughnut in the car. I orgasmed while thinking about a doughnut. FML

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By The nice guy finishing Last

Today, my mom talked me into going to a funeral since my dad wouldn't go. It was for one of her classmates. When it was our time to view the casket, we paused in front of it for a second before my mom leans over to me and says, "What if I told you that was really your dad?" FML

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By Single - United Kingdom - Bath

Today, my girlfriend showed me a print of a Banksy that she'd just bought, telling me it was an original. When I tried to argue that it wasn't, she broke up with me for "implying she was a moron." FML

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By Anonymous - Australia

Today, I laughed about a fold in my girlfriend's jeans that felt like she had a tiny boner. She started crying. Turns out she has a slight deformity. Oops. Explains why we've been taking it so slow. FML

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By pyroman1127 - United States

Today, I gave a girl answers to a test. She said she would give me something pleasurable in return. She gave me a Twinkie, saying, "I know how much fat people love twinkies." FML

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By faceless_sailor8 - United States

Today, my wife compared me to Sid the sloth from Ice Age. Same smile, same eyes, same belly, same big feet. FML

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By anonymous - United States

Today, I was badly sunburnt even after making it a point to apply a lot of sunscreen. My coworkers thought it amusing to slap me every chance they get. FML

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By goldendarkness

Today, my boyfriend and I decided to stop by a drive-thru on the way to his place. I asked him to order a Coke for me, at which point he asked if I wanted to make it a Diet Coke. FML

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By Depressedegg

He can run, but he can't hide

Today, my toddler realised that my pregnancy means I can't move easily anymore. He celebrated his freedom by doing everything he's not allowed to, and staying just outside my reach at all times. He loves his new game, and it looks like he's not going to stop anytime soon. FML

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By razgriz1 - United States

Today, I took a cute girl out to an arcade date, and mercilessly dominated her in every game there, to the point she refused to talk to me afterwards. Gamer Pride: 1 - Getting Laid: 0. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Modesto

Today, I found out why the parents whose children I babysit use me so often and on such short notice. It's not because they have abrupt nights out; it's because their kids hate me, and me being around is their way of punishing them. FML

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By nosestealer - Canada - Brampton

Today, my five-year-old daughter called the police to report her stolen nose. FML

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By minimazing

Today, my husband of 5 months admitted he is jealous of my dog. I've had the dog for 16 years. He admits to wanting to drop it off at the shelter while I'm at work. FML

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By the fish

Today, I started this show and was really confused what was happening until I realized I accidentally started from the last episode so I basically ruined the whole show for myself. FML

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By ashleyyyy - United States

Today, I was pulled over for going the wrong way on a closed highway. The construction signs pointed me in that direction, and the cop agreed that they should be fixed. Did it stop him from giving me a ticket anyway? Nope. FML

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By keiler

She'll be single for a looong time...

Today, my girlfriend broke up with me because she found out I play video games. No, not that I play too many video games or have an addiction to video games. Just that I play them, period. FML

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By zwillywilly - United States

Today, I was working in a warehouse where fellow employees were kicking empty boxes around. Seeing a box, I got running distance and kicked it as hard as I could, only to look up in horror to see that I had kicked into our CEO's face. I still had both my arms up in score mode. FML

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By Screwed - United States

Today, I brought a cute guy back from the bar to have sex. He was drunk, so he had trouble getting it up, and I said jokingly "you need to work on that". We fell asleep, and I woke up the next morning to him gone and a note that said "you need to work on not farting in your sleep". FML

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By kharrington - United States

Today, a woman called my work and accused me of having an affair with her husband, my coworker, demanding that my boss discipline me. I don't know her, I barely know her husband, and I haven't had sex in months. FML

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By mikey09 - United States

Today, was my first day at my new job, which requires you to wear a special shirt. Come to find out, they only have medium sized shirts. I am an XL. They demanded I wear the shirt anyway. FML

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By O-|---<=~ - United States - Bellingham

Today, my otherwise lovely boyfriend of a month showed his true colors. He freaked out when he learned that I use tampons instead of pads. He yelled that using them is like cheating on him, because his penis is the only thing that should ever enter me. FML

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By verbaltodomestic - United States - La Crosse

Today, I took my girlfriend to a public place before confessing that I've been seeing another woman, to avoid a dramatic scene. After being rushed to the hospital with a concussion and broken nose, I think it's safe to say my plan didn't go very well. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was drawing while on the train, when a very good-looking woman looked at my work and said, "Wow, she's pretty. Is it supposed to be me?" She said it in a flirty tone, but before I could stop myself, I'd said "nah, it's just a generic face". FML

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By kal - United States

Today, in bio class, we were studying the reproductive system. I don't like talking about this stuff, and I twitched every time my teacher said "penis" or "vagina." When I told my family, they laughed and kept repeating those words just to see me twitch. FML

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By emeraldapostle

Today, I had a good day at work. I got all of my stuff done, I got to eat, and I got to clock out on time. It only became a bad day when I was told by my boss that today was my day off. FML

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By Anonymous Dad - 2/2/2021 17:02

That's not very pog

Today, my son and his friends were gaming in his room when I thought I'd use a word I recently discovered online. I said, "Hey, this is all very poggers." My son sighed and said, "How do you do, fellow kids?" I got Steve Buscemi-ed. FML

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By anon - United States

Today, I got so drunk that I tasered myself in the balls as a joke, fell down my friend's porch stairs and rolled out into the street. FML

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By erika - United States

Today, I got a sunburn all over my stomach from a tanning bed. In an attempt to relieve the itching, I looked up natural treatments since we have no aloe. After trying yogurt, milk and mayo I found out that our water was shut off so the shower could be fixed. I now reek of mayo and milk. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Jacksonville

Today, I entered a raffle at a local fashion designer event; the prize was $400 credit at the store that was hosting it (which was just enough for one of their dresses). Good news: I won! Bad news: they don't carry a single thing above a women's size 5. I'm 6'2" and 180 lbs. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I rented a copy How To Train Your Dragon for my young son to watch. I put the DVD in, hit play without paying attention, and went off to make lunch. A few minutes later, my son ran into the kitchen screaming. Apparently, there was a mix up at the rental store and I got a copy of Saw IV. FML

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By charmed

Today, after being single for over five years, I was chatted up at the airport. Sadly, Prince Charming was a homeless guy who had very strong body odour, soiled trousers, a can of cheap beer and bugs in his dreads. He kissed my hand. I feel violated. FML

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By halebop - United States

Today, I was talking with my father on the phone when I mentioned I wanted to stay at school over the summer and work. He asked if it would be lonely with the campus empty, when I replied that my friends would be working here too. He asked: "What, all two of them?" FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I got married. I received a beautifully wrapped gift from my dad. I was full of excitement until I opened it and found two taxidermied rabbits. The ones I had when I was in the fifth grade. FML

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By Deadpool434 - Ireland - Dublin

Well played

Today, I found a book in my attic that I always read when I was a kid. For old times' sake I read it again. On the very first page, child me had written, "Go to page 15" so I did. On page 15, in big red letters, it said, "Get bent." I got pranked by myself. FML

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By sherronj - United States

Today, I announced to my family that I will be trying out for the next season of America's Best Dance Crew. They responded by laughing hysterically and my mother said "You guys suck, good luck making it past auditions". FML

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Top comments

By RichardPencil | 29

#7966700 - Saturday 23 January 2021 20:57

You can always buy him a sexy mansierre, or a "bro."

By rainbowdonnareed | 15

#7966714 - Saturday 23 January 2021 22:30

Karmer had some good ideas

COMMENTS

By RichardPencil | 29

#7966700 - Saturday 23 January 2021 20:57

You can always buy him a sexy mansierre, or a "bro."

Reply

rainbowdonnareed | 15

#7966714 - Saturday 23 January 2021 22:30

Karmer had some good ideas

Reply

FML_Fan86 | 6

#7966719 - Saturday 23 January 2021 22:35

the poster here... hahaha we've joked he needs a bra..🤣

By xxlk4xx | 4

#7966757 - Sunday 24 January 2021 2:55

I promise you that having bigger boobs suck ass lol, harder to find the proper size and be comfortable at the same time, shirts don't fit the way you like and you can't go braless in a cute dress during the summer! but I also remember being smaller and wanting bigger boobs 🤣 grass is always greener