Today, my ex-girlfriend got some new piercings and decided to show me. They are the exact same piercings that the girl I'm currently seeing has. I'm starting to think she's still keeping tabs on me. FML
Today, I contacted the Unemployment Office. I was told that I needed to send additional information, then that the information had already been received, and that the case would be reviewed. For the fourth time. I've been out of work for three months, and haven't received a dime. FML
Today, it's 30 degrees Celsius in my bedroom, but I need to stay completely under the covers, because even though I live on the other side of the world, I can't stop thinking about Australian huntsman spiders. FML
Today, I found out I'm going to be celebrating New Year's with a gastroscopy and colonoscopy. It's been two days since I discovered I'm gluten intolerant to go with my lactose intolerance. It's also my 28th birthday tomorrow. FML
Today, I was feeding my neighbor's cat while they are out of town. As I set the food down, the cat bit me, drawing blood. I reflected that although I'm all that stands between it and starvation, even the cat doesn't want to be my friend. FML
Today, my two year-old opened one of my boyfriend's Snapchat messages. It was from a girl I've never heard of, with whom he has a 700+ day streak and is one of his top friends. The message said, "I wish?" FML
Today, I just found out that my first-ever boyfriend has been cheating on me for our whole entire relationship. All my fake friends knew about the her, but they just "forgot to tell me". FML
Today, my aunt asked me to drop off some old stuff to her place. As I'm driving there, my car conked out and I got delayed. When I finally got there, she looked at the time and goes, "Yet another thing you're not good at." FML
Today, I still can't open my curtains or door without my ADHD teenage neighbour screaming my name and waving from my across the road. I moved from a city to this place so I could have a big garden to help my extreme social anxiety. When I go outside, she comes running over. Sometimes she brings her dog, who shits on my lawn. FML
Today, Betty White died. What a great way to start the new year… FML
Today, when thinking about an Star Wars meme that said, "Quote Star Wars to describe your sex life", I realized that I had to stop at the title screen: "long ago" and "far, far away." FML
Today, my brain is all messed up, and my stomach is churning at the thought of going to school, which starts from tomorrow. I was never like this before the lockdown at least. I liked going to school; now I despise it. My social life is now shit, and I have no idea if my mental health is alright. FML
Today, my son told me he wants to be a cop or enter the military when he grows up. Why? "Cops get paid to kill useless members of society" and "Only the military can stop communism." FML
Today, my roommate still chooses to waste his money on McDonald's food for breakfast, lunch, and dinner. He politely refuses to eat my nutritious home-cooked meals that people say taste amazing. Then he complains that he's in a shitty mood all the time. I wonder why… FML
Today, I pulled a shoulder muscle opening my front door. How are your thirties going? FML
Today, my wife can't be bothered to do anything that isn't work, talk about her work, and sit on the sofa. Then she complains that I don't show any affection, when she can be bothered to even talk to me. FML
Today, it’s my birthday. It’s 2:30 pm, and my parents are still sleeping while I watch television with my dog. I’ll probably also have dinner with my dog. Happy Birthday to me. FML
Today, my six-year-old son called to say he was suspended from school for drawing some “pretty flowers.” Confused as to why that would warrant punishment, I took a look and they were swastikas. He’s inconsolable. FML
Today, I went in for a job interview. Apparently, this company feels masks are optional, vaccines are optional, and I don't ever need to visit my grandmother with dementia again. Luckily, I was able to escape before I needed to quarantine. FML
Today, I was sitting down to do my homework when I severely sprained my ankle. I live on the third floor and can’t walk far without severe pain, and I'm broke, so a compression bandage is out of the question. I can’t wait until the first of the month when I get paid again. FML
Today, I got a call from my son’s teacher. Apparently, while doing a test, he responded to the question, "Predict how the government will change in the next ten years" with, "I’m not psychic." FML
Today, I discovered that the reason my neighbors have been giving me weird looks while whispering to each other lately is because I've started walking my cat on a leash, and this is apparently "a cause for concern about my mental health." FML
Today my boss went digging through my drawer, took a pack of gum, and told me I got him the wrong flavor. He kept it anyway. FML
Today, I attended my wife's cousins wedding. While trying to help struggling teens with fireworks, I got shot in the eye by a commercial-grade firework. I spent the rest of the night in the ER, then headed to see the eye doctor. I have about 75% of loss of vision. Hopefully it's not permanent. FML
Today, I started my weekend right… outside my grandmother's house, trying to repair her yard. The senile landlord came by and trashed it. This isn't the first time. He's pushing 90 years-old, so it's hard to tell if he has dementia or if he's doing it on purpose. All I want to know is, why hasn't he retired? FML
Today, despite a car accident, lockdowns, and the stress of dealing with an elderly parent, I have been so happy planning a vacay with my amazing boyfriend. I woke up to being dumped because he feels he needs to prioritize his time between his kid and work. Immediately after, he popped up as active online in a game. FML
Today, my son handed me a handful of snot he just sneezed out, then went back to playing with his Lego. I had IVF and gave up a career as a lawyer to have this little snot demon. FML
Today, my mother is mad at me because I dared, yes DARED, to go out with a girl who stands up to her instead of just meekly doing what she tells her. Which should tell you exactly what sort of woman my mother is, so you know this FML is just the tip of my lifelong misery iceberg. FML
Today, I found out the first person I was able to open up to in nearly ten years is already in a relationship. FML
Today, I was telling my dad how I turned down some guy, but when I mentioned the guy's name my dad was like, “Oh, you mean the son of my old friend, studying computer engineering, genius, real future ahead of him, and you think you can do better than him? What’s wrong with you?” FML
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