Today, my mom insists on leaving both the front and kitchen door open in case the cat comes home, no matter if it gets cold inside. Yes, the cat is that important. Yes, he also has a cat flap. FML
Today, my mom wants me to get an exorcism because piercings, tattoos, my own car, my own career, moving out of her house, and wanting zero contact with her from now on are "sure signs of demonic possession", maybe even the influence of Lucifer himself. FML
Today, as a waitress I served someone who was hoping their food would come back faster than expected. I replied, “Fingers crossed!” just for the person to show me they had no hands. FML
Today, my neighbor's dog came to visit and I tried to bring him back home like I usually do. Only this time, when I grabbed the dog's collar, they zapped him! And it zapped me! My teeth still hurt! FML
Today, at 30 years-old, I can finally move out. I could have chosen an apartment close to work, but instead I decided to stay close to where my mother lives. Since I told her, she's been complaining that I'm selfish and I'm creating a lot of problems for her by moving so far away. I'll be living half a block from her. FML
Today, I was told I was disrespectful for letting a parent know that her son was disrespecting adults. FML
Today, it's my birthday. We were supposed to be going to a nice Italian restaurant at 6.30 p.m. Instead, the whole region is going into a snap lockdown from 6 p.m., due to the recent community transmissions of Covid-19. Happy Birthday. FML
Today, my idiot son incinerated his shoes in the oven. They were wet and he wanted to "quick-dry" them, so now the whole house smells terrible. FML
Today, I discovered I'm allergic to the new perfume I bought and now I smell like a hospital. FML
Today, I stumbled upon a slightly drunk neighbor, trying to type in the entry code with his penis. FML
Today, I talked to exactly 0.0 people on Christmas, 0.0 people on New Year's, and I just checked my phone: The last call I received from anyone other than work or my tenant was October 29th. FML
Today, one of my super obnoxious coworkers tried to snitch on me and record me for “being lazy” on the clock. I was sitting in my car, while eating trail mix ON MY BREAK. FML
Today, like every day, my boss was complaining about something or other, but this time it was work that I knew he'd done himself, and he still blamed me. FML
Today, I received my year 12 yearbook. After such a bad year of let downs, it wasn’t surprising that the school fucked it up and put the previous year's group photo in it instead of ours. FML
Today, my ten-year-old daughter now has a habit of going up to random strangers and acting all scared before pointing behind them and whispering, "El Diablo." FML
Today, my daughter is mad sulking because she got her first wage today and learned a bunch of new words like national insurance, pension contributions, taxes, automatic student loan repayments, and so on. She actually thought she got to keep ALL the money she earned, and is taking it out on us. FML
Today, I had my third incapacitating headache this week. This has been happening for months. Pain killers and other remedies seem to work at random, if at all. Nobody has been able to tell me the cause. FML
Today, in our family group chat, my sister-in-law asked me what I got my new girlfriend for Valentine’s Day. Not long after, my brother called me pissed off about me making him look bad. FML
Today, after taking vacation time to visit her, my mom told me she was glad I was leaving so she could get back to her diet. I'm prediabetic and have been trying to manage the condition. She ordered dessert at every meal and was the only one in the family who did. FML
Today, my fiancé broke up with me, because he was mad I was worried about him due to him not answering me for ten hours. FML
Today, where I work at a pharmacy, we were short staffed and running 4 hours behind. A lady came to drop off a new prescription. When I explained to her the wait time, she called the patient. I heard, "No, they don't look busy." Like, really? FML
Today, I married my wife a few weeks before deploying to Kosovo as a military peacekeeper. She was a young Christian whose father, a pastor, performed our wedding ceremony. Before I got home, she told me that she and her cousin were lovers and that she used the money I sent her to file for divorce and pay for their honeymoon. FML
Today it's my twin brother's and my birthday, and like every year people wish him a happy birthday instead of me. FML
Today, after a few of my friends decided to drink last night, and my best friend ended up getting very drunk and confessing to my boyfriend that she loves him, her brother came over and gave me a lecture about responsibilities. I don't know what's worse, the lecture or the fact that her brother is my boyfriend. FML
Today, I got a text from my ex-girlfriend asking me if I wanted an old college hoodie back. I said yes and thank you, and she replied saying, "Well I don’t respect you, so don’t contact me again." FML
Today, I reduced a customer to tears and she had a tantrum, saying that nobody loves her, her life is a joke, and she’d be better off dead. This ordeal happened to grab the attention of my manager who was nearby. All I did was tell her that an item she wanted was sold out and offered to help her order it online. FML
Today, my brother-in-law introduced my son to Andrew Tate videos. FML
Today, I told my friend that I don't like spending time around one of her other friends. He's a hardcore Trumpist, who goes out of his way to make people uncomfortable, and be as cruel as possible at every opportunity. She uninvited me from our weekly game nights, because, "He's lonely and depressed." FML
Today, in this horrible job market, I finally got an interview with a dream company. But like the dumbass I am, I mentioned my baby in the interview and got the "look" from the interviewer. Bye bye yet another job. FML
Today, I asked my 2-year-old if he loved me. His response? “No mama, stop.” FML
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