By I miss bread - 14/12/2020 17:04 - Australia - Brisbane

Pile on

Today, I found out I'm going to be celebrating New Year's with a gastroscopy and colonoscopy. It's been two days since I discovered I'm gluten intolerant to go with my lactose intolerance. It's also my 28th birthday tomorrow. FML

I agree, your life sucks

813

Our house, in the middle of our street

Please like me

Not gonna happen

By Belle - United States - Berwyn

Today, all of the long hours I've spent rehearsing paid off because tonight I'll be the lead at the opening show of my school musical. This is a dream come true. Too bad I just got bronchitis. FML

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20066

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1357

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By yeahno - United States

Today, I wore my high school letterman jacket while I was out shopping. A man saw me and muttered to his wife about how sad it is some adults can't grow up and continue to wear their high school paraphernalia, constantly trying to relive their senior year. I am a senior. FML

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31731

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2992

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By Anonymous - United States - Easley

Today, as I walked around town I noticed some guys and even a couple of girls checked me out. When I got home later I realized they probably weren't checking me out, so much as wondering why the hell I had thick black eyeliner on only one eye. Oops. FML

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18649

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5225

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By Anonymous

Today, I realized cigarettes are my cure for boredom. I bore myself out of $2000-plus a year. FML

I agree, your life sucks

808

You deserved it

1758

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By carr - France

Today, my mother noticed that I hadn't taken the trash out in a few weeks and angry, piled various full trash bags on my bed. I've been away on holiday for the past three weeks, I guess she didn't notice that part. FML

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36886

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3537

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I went outside to scrape the inch and a half of ice off my car so I could get to work. After half an hour of intense scraping, I realized that it wasn't my car. FML

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16909

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28521

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By TCRII - United States - Springfield

Today, my wife and I agreed to get two horses. She got three horses and a pregnant goat. FML

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3299

You deserved it

617

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By f my lifw - United States - King Of Prussia

Today, I went to buy some makeup. As I was checking out, the cashier said, "You're going to need more than that to cover up that face." FML

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37169

You deserved it

3012

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By tas2013kid - 1/12/2020 17:03 - Taiwan

Slicey slicey

Today, I found out I had three strands of pubic hair beside my nipple, so I decided to cut it off with a scissor since I'm going swimming tomorrow. In an attempt to cut off my third strand, I instead excised the cap of my left nipple. FML

I agree, your life sucks

359

You deserved it

1039

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my boyfriend found out about my severe phobia of moths. It's so bad that I sometimes pass out. He caught a moth in a jar, and put it on my bedside table. I woke up, saw it, and had a panic attack. He recorded it all and wants to upload it to YouTube. FML

I agree, your life sucks

40981

You deserved it

5342

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By c-mack - United States

Today, I got jumped by five dudes who took my phone. On it I had naked pictures of myself. An hour later they sent the pictures to all of my contacts. FML

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24630

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46929

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By Pixie - United States - Mckenna

Today, I was asked if the reason I didn't like the new male massage therapist was because I was no longer the most muscular person in the spa. I'm a 5'4 woman and I don't work out. FML

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5797

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506

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By Anonymous - United States - Saint Paul

Today, I had an anxiety attack just from thinking about appearing on TV and being watched by a real audience. FML

I agree, your life sucks

37381

You deserved it

6104

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By Anonymous - United States - Minneapolis

Today, I explained to my sister that the reason she isn't getting job offers is probably because her résumé is in Comic Sans and contains TXT language and a lot of typos. She thanked me for my help by calling me a "clueless horse-fucker" and telling me to shut my mouth. FML

I agree, your life sucks

30554

You deserved it

2483

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By Momma - 26/3/2021 13:01 - United Kingdom

Parent-sanctioned violence

Today, my daughter informed me that, in order to train the dumb out of her brother, she’s gonna slap him whenever he says or does something dumb. She’s slapped him 8 times already and unfortunately, each slap was justified. My boy is dumb as a box of rocks. Hope the slapping helps. FML

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520

You deserved it

968

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By Anonymous - Germany

Today, I overheard my boyfriend admitting that he's only dating me because having me around "sucks a bit less than fucking my own hand". FML

I agree, your life sucks

55644

You deserved it

5299

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By no_leather_of_any_kind - United States

Today, I went on a date with this girl I met online. The conversation drifted and we were talking about how we'd prefer to die, if we had a choice. I said, "I want to skydive over the ocean without a parachute." She said she wants to be made into a wallet. FML

I agree, your life sucks

61346

You deserved it

9635

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By Screwed - United States

Today, I brought a cute guy back from the bar to have sex. He was drunk, so he had trouble getting it up, and I said jokingly "you need to work on that". We fell asleep, and I woke up the next morning to him gone and a note that said "you need to work on not farting in your sleep". FML

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24327

You deserved it

86470

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By Anonymous - Australia

Today, I checked my Tumblr account to see if anyone had commented on the photos of my new tattoo. There were only 3 posts, and 2 of them were people linking it to "Awful Tattoo" blogs. FML

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16932

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6240

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By rebeccacaissie - United States

Today, I was being a little playful with my boyfriend when we began wrestling. He then put me in a choking headlock and wouldn't let me out until I "tapped out". FML

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29516

You deserved it

8864

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By ohyey - Norway

Dead bed

Today, I discovered that my wife isn't cheating on me after all, as I'd feared. We just don't have sex anymore. FML

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33103

You deserved it

7012

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By karlajjjjj - United Kingdom - Cold Ashby

Today, I was cycling home when I saw my sister, who lives a 4 hour drive away, walking past me on the path. I turned my head and called to her, causing me not to notice the pothole in front of me. My front wheel went in and I went over the handlebars. It wasn't even my sister. FML

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40271

You deserved it

11670

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By TiredStudent - 12/6/2020 23:07 - Australia

Bottle bank

Today, I found out my last roommate had been stacking her empty wine bottles under the sink for the last 5 months. The cleaning lady who found them now thinks I'm an alcoholic, and threatened to report me to my landlord. FML

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1403

You deserved it

166

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By Anonymous - 6/2/2021 16:01 - United Kingdom - Blackpool

Gratitude walks

Today, my sister slept with my boyfriend while I was at work providing for the both of them as well as our child. I let her move in after our mother kicked her out. FML

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1380

You deserved it

127

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By Kan23 - United States - Altus

Today, I got fired from my job. When I asked why, all that was said to me was, "We don't have to disclose that information, but you did nothing wrong. It's just not working out." FML

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20944

You deserved it

1449

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By ithinkimturningjapanese - United States - Apo

Today, I was diagnosed with food poisoning for the third time since moving to this base in Japan. My husband keeps cooking questionable meat and vegetables from the commissary because he thinks the food from a Japanese grocery store is radioactive. FML

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24688

You deserved it

2109

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By sallymay - United States - Rockland

Today, I found out that my amazing sugar and oil olive body scrub will cause the next person to get in the shower to slip and break an arm. We have no insurance. FML

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3515

You deserved it

1522

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By lalibear - United States

Today, I left the sliding glass door to our townhouse open because it was such a beautiful day. Our new puppy, whom we have been potty training, peed in the yard and I praised him relentlessly. He then walked inside the house, pooped on the carpet, and ran back outside. FML

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49186

You deserved it

7251

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By Unnoticed - Australia - Thornlie

Today, my colleague introduced herself and said, "I know how nerve-racking first days are!" Which is nice of her, except I've been at this company longer than she has. FML

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4063

You deserved it

306

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By Anonymous - United States - Coatesville

Today, my girlfriend dumped me because she apparently saw me making out with her sister. She doesn't even have a sister. FML

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55365

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4665

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By Alana - Australia

Today, I went to a New Year's party with my boyfriend. Later into the night, he got drunk, and left me there to go to another party with his friends. I have no car, and no way to get home. FML

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27623

You deserved it

3578

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By TingBarter - United States

Today, I heard a student in the class I assist having trouble with a download. I walked over and showed him how to save to his flash drive, and how to use 7z to unzip said file. I then found out I'd just assisted him in downloading a half gig of porn during class. FML

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44734

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9519

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By why - United States

Today, I learned that my parents' nickname for my fiancé is "dickwad." FML

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31640

You deserved it

6578

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, I had to clean bathroom duties at work. Someone wrote "Merry Christmas" on the wall in their own shit. FML

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40297

You deserved it

2713

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By Finesse7791 - United States

Today, my friend called saying she was gathering all her girlfriends for a girl's night out. I was thrilled with the idea and started to think of something to wear. She then asked if I would mind watching her son. FML

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44813

You deserved it

2900

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By broke_kid - United States

Today, I noticed white stuff in my colored clothes as I transferred them from the washer to the dryer. That's when I realized that the white stuff is my paycheck which I had put in my pants earlier. FML

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29071

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By littl3storm - 23/12/2020 15:59 - United Kingdom

Tis the season to be jolly

Today, at the ripe age of 20, I spent the early hours of my morning violently vomiting blood every time I got too warm. I then had the pleasure of shitting in a plastic container for a stool sample, due to said problem, after one and half hours of sleep. FML

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864

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By Anonymous - United States - New Castle

Today, I was hanging out with the guy I really like. I lifted my arms to put my hair in a ponytail when he noticed a hole that had apparently tore in the armpit of my shirt, so he put his finger through it. I haven't shaved in weeks. FML

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20143

You deserved it

55463

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, I found out that the engineers I work with believe that a woman with an engineering degree working in an engineering company is apparently equivalent to a "secretary for engineers." I am that woman. FML

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32779

You deserved it

3603

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By aawkward... - United States

Today, I was watching TV with my mom. The new Trojan Ecstasy condom commercial came on. I sat there awkwardly while my mom pulled out her shopping list. I bet you can guess what she added. FML

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25882

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Top comments

By RichardPencil | 30

#7957908 - Monday 14 December 2020 9:56

I guess cake and ice cream are not an option.

Maybe you could celebrate with a few shots of vodka in your colonoscopy prep (Pro Tip.)

By Hamish123 | 3

#7957912 - Monday 14 December 2020 9:58

You'll get through it ok. The medical staff take good care of you (here in NZ, at any rate). The lead up is the worst part of a colonoscopy. My pro tip.... make the prep solution ice cold. It goes down easier.

Happy birthday!

COMMENTS

By RichardPencil | 30

#7957908 - Monday 14 December 2020 9:56

I guess cake and ice cream are not an option.

Maybe you could celebrate with a few shots of vodka in your colonoscopy prep (Pro Tip.)

By Hamish123 | 3

#7957912 - Monday 14 December 2020 9:58

By OrySoma | 9

#7957953 - Monday 14 December 2020 14:04

the cake nazi really got you

By Elizabeth Burley | 21

#7957958 - Monday 14 December 2020 14:25

Don't worry OP. Due to my Crohn's and UC I'm also having an upper scope and colonoscopy on New Years Eve. I've been flaring for over a year and have had test after test with no relief. Ive had Crohns for 17 years now so it's rather normal for me but still sucks. Hang in there!