Today, my girlfriend returned from a two day trip. I'd spent the time cleaning the house and working on house projects, so she wouldn't come home and be stressed. She got upset when she got home because the house was clean, and it made her feel inadequate. FML
Today, I found out my creepy, obsessive neighbor got a pet hamster and named it after me. He has been telling all sorts of stories about his hamster using my name, and he just told me in detail how it died of heart attack. FML
Today, my son told me he needed a haircut. I was thrilled that he actually requested it, since he normally throws a fit over getting them. He described the cut he wants. It's a mullet. FML
Today, I went out to start my car to go to work. When it wouldn't start, I popped the hood to see what was wrong. Some kind individual took advantage of the fact that my window doesn't roll up, and stole my battery. FML
Today, the bird that has been stuck in my roof for two days, keeping me awake at night, finally flew out of the roof and into the house. As I was opening the door to send it outside, it flew straight back up into the roof. FML
Today, my three idiot nephews dug up a vintage bomb while "digging a hole to China." I told them not to touch it, and went in to call the police. As I did so, they took it to a pawn shop to sell as an antique. The pawn shop called the cops on them, and the cops are now on to me as they're crying, saying selling it was my idea. FML
Today, I caught my son "experimenting" with his female friend. When I called her mom and told her what was happening, she said, "I didn't raise a whore. You can keep her!" and hung up. They're both 9. I have no idea what to do. FML
Today, I was at my uncle’s farm and his pig had piglets. They looked super adorable, so I picked one up. The poor thing started shrieking bloody murder. Mama pig wasn’t too happy. I have the stitches to prove it. FML
Today, my partner had teletherapy early in the morning, so I was in rush to leave the apartment. I threw on clothes, and at the end of the day (at around 3 p.m.) I felt like someone at me a little funny as I was getting off an elevator. I looked in the mirror and realized my leggings had been on inside out all day. FML
Today, I cancelled all my streaming subscriptions and signed up for a “bundle deal” to save money. Turns out the deal was just all my old subscriptions repackaged under a new name. I’m still paying the same price, but now with ads. FML
Today, my loving boyfriend told me that he wanted to go to the cinema with the girl he loves. The other girl he loves, but don't worry it's "not" a date. FML
Today, I was walking down the street with my acoustic guitar on my back. I saw a girl that I like coming down the opposite way, so I decided to play my guitar to try and impress her. I started to tune it quickly, but while I wasn't paying attention, I ran into a pole. Now my guitar is cracked. FML
Today, a colleague crashed a drone into my almost brand new car. I even asked him before if it was OK to park there or if I should better park somewhere else, and he said, "No problem" and bragged about being the best drone pilot. FML
Today, I couldn’t find my phone as I left work, but knew it was on me since CarPlay connected. Later, the music cut out speeding up onto the freeway. I then recalled placing it on the roof as I loaded up the car. FML
Today, my manager sat me down and insinuated that it's my fault that our new hires are useless. Not one person ever told me that I was responsible for training them. I'm not in charge, and they've been here for weeks. FML
Today, seconds after my mom put my Yorkie onto my bed, he threw up. His head was not fully over the bed itself, so the wet chunks fell straight into my backpack onto my new school books. FML
Today, after my company laid off half the contractors I usually deal with and replaced them with AI tools, I spent my day “collaborating” with a chatbot that keeps calling me Steve. My name isn’t Steve. FML
Today, my dad had something to tell me. He'd cleaned out my bank account to pay off 38,000 dollars worth of gambling debt. My wedding is in 5 months. FML
Today, I realized that I divorced my husband of 36 years and took up with a new man, just be in exactly the same situation I was in before. Will I never learn? FML
Today, someone asked me a question and I responded with, “What?” They said, “Are you deaf as well as stupid!?” then punched me in the throat. I’m actually hard of hearing. FML
Today, I finally got insurance after months of paperwork, and so I went to the doctor. I was billed $873 for a "consultation" that pretty much consisted of being weighed and told to "Google it." FML
Today, I had to get stitches on my foot and was then forced to wear a plastic bag on my foot while showering. The plastic bag made me slip in the shower and had to go back and get stitches in my forehead. FML
Today, airport security took away my 32$ eyelash curler, because it could be used as a weapon. I miss the '90s. FML
Today, after a year and a half of overexploitation at work without getting paid for it, I can finally have a deserved vacation. Why? I caught Covid. FML
Today, I have killed at least several dozen flies over the course of the past few days. My cat, who used to be a fly killing machine, isn't doing shit to help me. She's not old or fat or anything, she's just lazy. Meanwhile, I had to go buy a water bottle with a cover to keep flies from going into my drink. FML
Today, after beating myself up for being useless and not being able to do anything right, I managed to choke almost to the point of blacking out, on a piece of lettuce. FML
Today, I was walking to class, when a kid came up behind me and smacked me in the face a few times until I fell to the ground. I rolled over and he said, "Oh shit! Wrong person, my bad." FML
Today, I was flirting with a girl I like when she confessed she was into another guy. I then proceeded to wingman for that guy, telling her to take her shot with him before the chance went away. Effectively sticking myself into the friendzone. FML
Today, after years of crushing over my best friend, I finally got the guts to tell her about my feelings, only to find out she has been secretly dating my roommate. I could not have been more depressed. My whole life feels shattered. FML
Today, I went to hospital with chest pain and they discovered I need a triple bypass for three arteries clogged with fat. The doctor assumed from my scans that I must be middle aged or older because he’d never seen three arteries clogged so badly on someone under 50. I’m 27 FML
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