Sex, Pregnancy, Cheating and Babies: Man whore

Man whore

By Anonymous - 03/12/2021 07:58

Today, I found out I’m going to be a father, twice over, with two different women. Sisters, in fact. Only one of those sisters is my wife. Should I flee abroad, or walk calmly towards the firing squad straight away? FML

I agree, your life sucks 202

You deserved it 3 885

Sex Pregnancy Cheating Babies

Mother of the year

Letting yourself go

In the same boat

PSA

By CallMeCherry - 26/08/2020 07:59 - United Kingdom

Today, I managed to "permanently and irrevocably" damage my spine. How? By bending down and picking up a piece of paper. According to my doctor, essentially I need to, "bend over like a stripper if I want to pick something up." FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 323

You deserved it 125

By Gem - 11/02/2011 10:59 - Australia

Today, my Dad thought "Joseph" and "Francis" were two people hacking our internet. They are actually the names of my laptop and iPod, which have now been blocked from using our modem. He can't figure out how to unblock them. FML

I agree, your life sucks 20 507

You deserved it 27 274

By Anonymous - 31/12/2013 07:52 - United States - Bend

Today, feeling too lazy to cook dinner, I bought a bagged salad from a low-end store. I dumped the contents into a bowl; the first thing that fell out was a dead mouse. Bon appetit. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 448

You deserved it 6 829

By (not) fucked - 16/05/2014 16:01 - United States - Kingsville

Today, my girlfriend decided that we won't be having any more sex until I beat her ridiculously high score on Flappy Bird. FML

I agree, your life sucks 59 632

You deserved it 8 222

The Boxer

By single - 27/03/2020 05:15 - Canada

Today, I was going to propose to my girlfriend of 3 years. I checked the box with the ring to make sure it was still there, and saw a piece of paper in it. It said, "No." FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 238

You deserved it 165

By Anonymous - 10/08/2019 22:00

Today, I found my boyfriend browsing tablet PCs on the internet. He actually had a tablet until a while ago, but he hardly ever used it. He still has two smartphones, a desktop PC and a laptop he never uses. But yeah, sure, he needs a tablet. Because, "they're cheap." FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 329

You deserved it 252

Starved

By Anonymous - 17/08/2021 22:01

Today, I'm so hopelessly lonely that I've agreed to meet up with my ex for some semblance of friendship. FML

I agree, your life sucks 693

You deserved it 195

By Joe - 08/07/2011 18:48 - United States

Today, I realized that I look sexier in my fiancée's panties than she does. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 643

You deserved it 22 350

By kerry - 20/01/2010 05:30 - Canada

Today, I found a piece of rice in my belly button. I can't remember the last time I ate or handled rice. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 492

You deserved it 36 957

By green and not with envy - 13/06/2014 20:17 - Canada - Toronto

Today, my dad called me into the bathroom, saying "Get a load of this shit, son" and forcing me to look at the biggest, foulest-smelling turd I have ever seen in my life in the toilet. It's been three hours and I still feel physically ill. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 718

You deserved it 5 788

By Anonymous - 01/11/2016 14:47

Today, I had a 10-hour shift that started at 5 a.m. We can't leave until relief comes and we don't get paid for overtime if our relief is late. The good news is my relief came early. The bad news is he went on a smoke break and never came back. They want me to stay until we close and I'm the only cashier. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 774

You deserved it 753

By biscuit - 07/01/2011 05:46 - United Kingdom

Today, I had to walk three miles home from work. Both my parents were at home. The reason they wouldn't collect me is apparently because I've "gotten so fat, your grandma cried after she saw you". FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 377

You deserved it 25 766

By Anonymous - 29/06/2014 05:04 - United States

Today, I went to my friend's house to give him some moral support as he came out of the closet to his family. I left with a black eye. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 534

You deserved it 6 274

By lilipalmer - 13/02/2015 06:44 - France

Today, I awoke after 4 hours of surgery. The male nurse taking care of me is cute, very cute. I'm trying my best to seem fine and dandy when he tells me that I can't eat anything before my next poop, adding, "And don't flush it, OK? I need to check." FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 453

You deserved it 3 403

By massage mama - 04/08/2019 07:00 - United States - Hesperia

Today, I got a call from my daughter’s school. Apparently, she told her teacher about the “special massages” mommy gives her. I’m a licensed massage therapist, and I massage my daughter with lavender to help her sleep. Now everyone thinks I’m a weirdo. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 954

You deserved it 151

By Anonymous - 25/03/2018 19:00

Today, my girlfriend named our daughter Aspen. Ass. Pen. When I hear her name I will always think of a pen in a butthole. No doubt her future classmates will too. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 832

You deserved it 1 425

By Illinoisgirl - 14/02/2012 14:29 - Hungary

Today, my dad got so drunk that he proposed to me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 158

You deserved it 3 037

Freud intensifies

By Anonymous - 28/09/2021 01:59

Today, I couldn't bring up a close friend from college in a conversation without my mom bashing her for over ten minutes. She does this with practically all my close female friends. I suspect she subconsciously doesn't want any girl to steal her son away. FML

I agree, your life sucks 760

You deserved it 64

By nerd_man01 - 10/07/2009 19:20 - United States

Today, my younger brother, who is 15, had to show me the quickest way to take off a woman's bra. I'm 12 years older than he is. FML

I agree, your life sucks 50 352

You deserved it 13 750

By Kens - 20/05/2009 00:51 - Canada

Today, I was on the bus home and on the phone with my best friend discussing my sex life with this new guy I'm seeing. I was telling her all sorts of raunchy sex things we've done until someone taps my shoulder and says "I'm sure he doesn't appreciate you saying this in public." It was his mom. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 305

You deserved it 106 640

By tuppu - 03/11/2010 14:35 - Finland

Today, waking up I noticed that my female boss had texted me during the night, telling me she wants me bad. I'm a woman, happily married to a man, and now have to turn her down somehow and not get fired in the process. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 084

You deserved it 3 345

By ELparano - 29/12/2012 01:21 - Canada

Today, I was driving without my seatbelt on, when I noticed a police car approaching. I panicked and desperately fumbled around for my seatbelt, only for them to pass by with just a funny look. Then it hit me that I was riding my motorcycle. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 528

You deserved it 49 561

shrinks into corner

By Ally - 24/03/2018 05:00

Today, my dad decided to be an awesome person and fold my laundry without telling me. Later, I heard my parents having a conversation about a pair of panties that were "like dental floss" and which sister they belonged to. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 653

You deserved it 629

By notafatlump - 02/02/2011 05:07

Today, I was walking home from the gym. I was thinking about how proud of myself I was for losing 34 pounds when someone yelled from a car window, "Look at that fat lump!" FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 852

You deserved it 3 933

By Anonymous - 26/11/2010 05:23 - Canada

Today, seeing Ozzy Osbourne live for the first time, I was trying to get the perfect photo of the entire band on stage. That is, until a sudden burst of pyrotechnics startled me, and I gave myself a black eye from the camera hitting me in the face. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 479

You deserved it 9 510

By sushi hater - 13/03/2011 18:55 - United States

Today, I went out for some very expensive sushi. Two hours later, I found myself on the toilet, violently voiding my bowels. I essentially paid to have liquid orange shit. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 441

You deserved it 7 489

Eventful day

By Anonymous - 30/07/2021 23:01 - Bahrain - Manama

Today, my boyfriend and I got into a fight after the gym. Then, a cheesecake I'd baked for a client cracked all the way through. Then, my oven broke as I was trying to make a new one, so I left to bake it at a friend's house, at which point I locked my keys and all of my supplies inside my car. FML

I agree, your life sucks 982

You deserved it 108

By Anonymous - 05/06/2018 01:30

Today, I decided to not hang in the library after school like I usually do. When I got home, I found my father cheating on my mother with my girlfriend, who said she was gay. FML

I agree, your life sucks 6 038

You deserved it 341

By 2.5-long-months - 28/07/2016 13:49 - Canada - Edmonton

Today, my husband and I had our first prenatal appointment. My doctor told us we shouldn't have sex during the first trimester, "just to be safe". He has no evidence to back this, but now my husband is too scared to touch me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 18 204

You deserved it 1 610

By shuahwan - 09/08/2015 05:46 - New Zealand

Today, to settle a bet with a friend, I took an online IQ test twice. The first time, I chose answers at random without reading the questions. The second time, I took it for real. I got a higher score from the random selections than from my serious attempt. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 992

You deserved it 6 192

By notacaveman - 16/04/2013 13:27 - Netherlands

Today, my girlfriend confessed that she had drunkenly slept with another guy last night. Since she seemed genuinely upset, and had confessed right away, I decided to forgive her the slip-up. She then angrily broke up with me, because "if I really loved her, I would've been more angry." FML

I agree, your life sucks 76 083

You deserved it 13 414

By Tag - 31/08/2013 04:30 - Australia - Perth

Today, a woman screamed at me for five minutes, demanding to know how long I'd been having an affair with her husband. I explained for the second time that she'd dialed a wrong number. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 898

You deserved it 2 719

Zedonging intensifies

By Anonymous - 02/05/2020 23:00

Today, I went downstairs to complain to my landlady that there was no water when I was trying to wash my hair. To which she replied, "No, of course there is water, it's just all going into my swimming pool." FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 618

You deserved it 91

By MrAwsum - 17/03/2009 20:40 - United States

Today, me and my boyfriend came back to my house after a night on the town. Thinking the house was empty, we had sex. Just as it was getting good my phone rings. It was a text from my mom, "Quiet down. Even your father can tell you're faking." FML

I agree, your life sucks 110 240

You deserved it 48 530

By Jack00412 - 08/07/2014 19:55 - United States - Montague

Today, I walked outside to find my 3 year old daughter and her pet fish playing together on the swings. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 224

You deserved it 5 516

By MikeIsMaster - 16/02/2010 10:46 - South Africa

Today, I invited my boss for supper as we get on pretty well. Everything was going well, until my German Shepherd bit him. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 082

You deserved it 5 170

By Anonymous - 10/11/2014 21:50 - United States - Mount Laurel

Today, I realized why I never hear my voice echoing when I sing to my boyfriend on Skype; he just mutes me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 680

You deserved it 11 987

By Anonymous - 01/08/2013 16:33 - Japan - Tokyo

Today, I found out via Instagram that my boyfriend didn't actually go to the Bahamas with his dad as he claimed. Not unless his dad lost weight, grew tits and long hair, and likes to make out with his son. They have no cellphone service, so I can't even call to break up with him. FML

I agree, your life sucks 58 983

You deserved it 3 929

Quit while you're ahead

By Anonymous - 13/07/2021 05:01 - United States - Delhi

Today, I'm an executive at a startup game studio, making only $18,000 a year after 3 years of helping build the company. I was promised a raise once we secured our Seed B funding. So, after our investors backed us for $4.5 million recently, I followed up with the CEO about this. He responded by sending me a troll face. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 134

You deserved it 103

By zzyx - 22/09/2009 03:19 - United States

Today, there was a fire alarm in my dorm. Just as I was leaving my room, a lady in the hallway told me that it was a drill and they'd be inspecting rooms, so I would need to leave my door unlocked. When I came back, my room was trashed and my laptop, speakers, and jewelry were gone. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 599

You deserved it 16 873

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Top comments

Anderling 18

Friday 3 December 2021 9:54

So you fucked your wife’s sister and knocked her up, permanently shattering their family relationship the second your wife finds out, and you’re seriously here to whine for sympathy? Dude.

RichardPencil 30

Send a private message

Friday 3 December 2021 14:49

Stick around and be ready to be called "Uncle Daddy." Living with your mistake is probably the most fitting punishment.

voltroz 18

Send a private message

Friday 3 December 2021 9:43

Salute.

Anderling 18

Friday 3 December 2021 9:54

So you fucked your wife’s sister and knocked her up, permanently shattering their family relationship the second your wife finds out, and you’re seriously here to whine for sympathy? Dude.

selbell 9

Send a private message

Friday 3 December 2021 13:12

yeah your trash .

Shzusuziq11 7

Send a private message

Friday 3 December 2021 14:08

you're a dumb ass

RichardPencil 30

Send a private message

Friday 3 December 2021 14:49

Stick around and be ready to be called "Uncle Daddy." Living with your mistake is probably the most fitting punishment.

Hangryko 20

Send a private message

Friday 3 December 2021 17:00

What is wrong with you!?

JackWood 17

Send a private message

Friday 3 December 2021 18:34

So your children are siblings and cousins at the same time. I'm sure they will grow up just fine.

ronathan 2

Send a private message

Friday 3 December 2021 19:22

convert to Mormonism

IHaveThePower 10

Send a private message

Friday 3 December 2021 21:30

It's time to 'fess up. You're not going to get anywhere by not telling anyone--confess to both of them, apologize, and prepare for the ensuing shitstorm. Do what it takes to make it up to them both, and be prepared to step up for both children. You fucked up epically, so it's time to admit it, apologize, and do what you can to make it better. No other way forward in this life.