Today, while waiting at a bus stop, I took one Airpod out of my ear to put it in its case. However, it slipped out of my hand, and at that exact time, the bus pulled over and instantly crushed it. A replacement bud costs $95. FML
Today, in front of all my family, my grandmother said it was so funny how my brother was my mother’s favorite, while my sister was my father’s favorite. When I asked whose favorite I was, there was silence. From everyone. Including my parents. Guess I know where I’m not wanted now. FML
Today, I spent my entire shift fantasizing about being in a car wreck and getting hospitalized, just so my mother would show me any love whatsoever. FML
Today, I'd finally gotten a great job working with kids who I totally loved and attached to super quickly, but the school district has told me they don't have space for me anymore because they caved to local pressure and hired back the anti-vaxxer, and now are overstaffed. FML
Today, my friend asked me if I flirted with any girls during our shift. I said, "No, not any I could think of." He then told me there was a note on my windshield that said, "Call me" with a phone number on it. After my shift, I went to my car excited and read the note. It was just a penis. FML
Today, my wife, who I thought was my soulmate, admitted that she only went out on our first date because she'd lost a bet, and she'd thought I was a loser. Even though she kept saying that she really did fall in love with me, I left. My heart is just shattered. I'm not going back. FML
Today, I have a new office-mate. I'm not particularly sensitive to odours but he wears so much cologne, I nearly throw up every time he walks in. Only 8 more hours till fresh air. FML
Today, I got sent home from work after a customer's daughter kicked me in the balls because her order was wrong. She was 6 years-old. FML
Today, I'm due to be packing my hospital bag to give birth tomorrow before Easter weekend. Instead I'm answering client emails, and ignoring sarcastic colleague emails asking "Have you gone into labor yet?" as I haven't been fully responsive on text. FML
Today, it's our ten-year anniversary, and I thought finally we would break our 10-month dry spell with some action. My husband had dozed off and was snoring even before I could reach the bed after finishing my chores. So much for happily ever after… FML
Today, there is a huge lump on my neck. I thought it was a boil, but it didn't seem to hurt at all, nor was it bothersome. It wasn't until my mom pointed out its existence and size one too many times that I started to feel uncomfortable, and now suddenly I can't sleep at all. FML
Today, I borrowed a goat from a coworker to clear out an overgrown section of our yard. It worked great, except for the part where the goat butted me on my ass. Of course my wife was filming and laughing, and later put it on Instagram. FML
Today, for my birthday, I'd told my boyfriend I wanted a full day in bed with Netflix, champagne, frequent sex, and a takeaway pizza at teatime. He managed sex twice 4 hours apart, kept falling asleep watching Netflix, drank too much, and threw up his pizza all over my boobs. FML
Today, I went to check my grade, which was posted for an essay for my comp 1 class. I got a zero. I was devastated only to find out I never actually clicked the submit document button. My grade dropped 20 points. FML
Today, I got mansplained for trying to help a guy secure a machine to a trailer. Not only did he bring the wrong trailer, he tried to ratchet it onto the axle. I load and unload trailers at least once a week. FML
Today, my brother's girlfriend came over to visit and we got to talking about books. Thinking she'd be interested, I suggested a few. She responded that she "only reads good literature." The only books I've ever seen her read are Fifty Shades of Gray and the Twilight saga. FML
Today, my depression has reached the point where I don't even have the energy to seriously pursue any hobbies. Any time I find the motivation to try something new, I immediately get discouraged at the slightest difficulties, and become even more depressed. I don't even know why I'm trying anymore. FML
Today, the best friend I grew up with since primary school, who helped me be a single mom to my son, helping with bottle feeds, nappy changing and so on, has been shagging him since he turned 20. They’re getting married next year, despite the 24-year age gap. FML
Today, my sister is famous after lying on TikTok about being abused as a child. Everyone believes her and she's selling books and scamming people out of money. She also keeps posting videos saying the family is tormenting her. None of us have spoken to her in almost a year. FML
Today, my grandmother and I got mugged. As I stood there paralyzed with fear, she grabbed the mugger from behind as he escaped, and gave him a suplex, knocking him out. Then, as if nothing happened, she dusted herself, picked up our things, held my hand, and said, "Come on baby, let's get you a clean pair of shorts." FML
Today, I was excitedly celebrating my 21st birthday. I was heading my to my first club when my sister called and snarkly said, “Congratulations on being 21, hope you don’t get drugged, raped and murdered tonight!” She’s mad that she was pregnant on her 21st and didn’t get to go out, so she wanted to ruin mine. FML
Today, I learned never to try a jump-scare prank on my boyfriend. Apparently, his instinct when suddenly scared isn’t to jump or scream like a baby, it’s to throw a blind punch. Luckily, he missed but he broke my glasses by knocking them off my nose and now he won’t stop apologising. FML
Today, as I was walking to go look at Christmas lights in my neighborhood, I really had to go number two. I called my dad to come and pick me up. I couldn’t hold it in much longer, so I took a crap in the sewer in the street. FML
Today, and every other birthday I've had, I shared with my cousin whose birthday is 4 days apart from mine. It would be totally fine if I had an opinion on the theme, invitees, and location. Only my cousin gets that privilege apparently. Oh and my presents, if she likes them enough. FML
Today, despite being married and renting my own apartment, I can't fulfil my teenage dream of slamming my wife on the sofa and pounding her like cheap mince, all because it would apparently "defile the sofa for the children." FML
Today, my wife is upset because at a party we took part in an X-rated 'Never Have I Ever', which exposed how filthy I was with past girlfriends, and how boring our sex life is. I’d done almost everything, while she, who’s only ever been with me, had only done 5 things off the list of about 40. FML
Today, my girlfriend and her best friend have been in a contest to see who can go the longest without showering. They’ve just hit day 22. They smell so bad, I can’t stand to be in the same room with them anymore. I'm really about to dump her. FML
Today, it's been a week since my husband woke up with what the hospital says is transient amnesia. He’s lost about 15 years of memories and thinks he’s in his 20’s. We’ve only been married 5 years, and dated 3 years before that, so he has no idea who I am, has no idea his parents are dead, or who our son is. FML
Today, I got a call saying I was successful in my interview to be a pizza delivery driver. As I picked up my contract and got in my car, I reversed sideways into a pole and ripped off my front bumper. The manager came out and helped jam the bumper in so I could make it home. FML
Today, I'm a generalist with moderate knowledge of multiple domains, but since I'm not a specialist in any, I'm not getting a job. FML
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