Today, I lost my job because I fell victim to an incredibly complex phone scam. The hackers didn't get anything, but now I don't know what's worse - I can't afford to feed my kids, or I can't afford my chemotherapy for my my terminal cancer. FML
Today, I was out on my first date in months. My stomach didn’t feel quite right after dinner, but I tried to ignore it. During the movie, it got so bad I decided to try to sneak a small fart for relief. As soon as I did, the theater fell dead silent. My fart practically echoed in the silence. FML
Today, I got home at 7 after a long, stressful 12-hour shift. The second I walked through the door, my wife said, "Can you hurry up and make dinner? We're all starving." This happens all the damn time. FML
Today, a man I matched with on a dating app told me I was very unattractive but he would let me blow him if I put something over my face and kept all my clothes on. How did I get so lucky? FML
Today, I finally let my parents meet a boyfriend of mine for the first time ever. My dad mentioned how he was happy to finally meet him, because for the past 4 years he'd thought I was gay. FML
Today, I realized that being 60 pounds lighter has made every guy that crossed my path worship the ground I walk on. When I had the weight, guys would flinch at me, or not give me the time of day. I just want to be treated as a human being, no matter what size I am. FML
Today, someone punched me in the back of the head, so I swung round and broke their nose. It was some woman screaming at me for wearing headphones and ignoring her. She then pulled a hidden disability badge out her pocket so everyone thought I was beating up a disabled person. FML
Today, I was chatting with a coworker when he said he was a "Sigma male." I laughed, thinking he was joking. He then got mad when I explained how the whole alpha/beta thing was actually debunked by its own creator. Sigma balls, dude. FML
Today, I woke up with Chocolate Buttons superglued to my face. FML
Today, my boyfriend broke up with me. Apparently, he spoke with my mom and the fact that she wants me dead is a huge red flag. FML
Today, my daughter is twelve and doesn’t have a single friend, despite being kind and sweet. When I asked her why, she said, “All the other kids want me to die.” FML
Today, a service that provides me with pictures of pretty women logged me out. I don't remember the password, it's not saved on my phone, and they don't have a facility to reset it. Now I must make a new account and start my collection again. FML
Today, and since New Year's Day, my husband has instituted a lateness jar. I have to put £1 in every time my “pissing about getting ready makes us more than 10 minutes late.” I really tried to embarrass him with how empty it would be, but he counted it today. It’s only mid February and it’s already over £100. FML
Today, I left hospital after suffering a head injury. My neurosurgeon gave my wife a list of potential household changes that needed to be made, otherwise I could have a fatal seizure. We got in the car and she said, "You do realise we aren’t doing a single thing on that bullshit list, right?" FML
Today, going through my dead grandma's papers, we found old faded photos. I showed them to my mum, who screamed in shock. They were grandma and granddad's erotic photos from about seventy years ago. FML
Today, I bought a truck. It's a little beat up, but I got a pretty good deal because of it… Or so I thought. Turns out there's a Nickelback CD stuck in the player. And the radio is spotty. I can't help but think that had something to do with it. FML
Today, my mom sold my watch collection on Vinted. I've spent over 15 years on the collection and I don't even live with my mom. I'm still wondering how she got in. FML
Today, I was driving my best friend home when he admitted to being gay. I was glad he could trust me with a secret like this. Until he admitted to having sex with my boyfriend. FML
Today, me and my husband are having our first big marital argument. Our baby still doesn’t have a name, all because I want to call her a normal name and he wants to call her some obscure name from an anime he really likes. I’ve never seen him this stubborn about anything this stupid. FML
Today, my wife was lucky not to get fired from her part-time job for doing nothing since we went into lockdown 8 weeks ago. To celebrate this, she has downed two bottles of red wine and watched an entire season of Virgin River. Guess I’ll have to find a third job to make up the income when the inevitable happens. FML
Today, I’m going to the pre-op appointment for my second hip replacement before the age of 35. My first was at 23. The doctors have no idea why I have the arthritic hips of an 80 year-old. FML.
Today, I’m sick with COVID and got so exhausted from changing my rank, sweaty bed sheets, that I had to lie down. I then had a sudden coughing fit that made me shit my pants, right through to the freshly-changed bed, and I then burst into tears about it. I’m 34 years-old. FML
Today, I celebrated my 30th birthday by accidentally knocking my fiancée’s tooth out with her glass as she tried to a sip. FML
Today, I asked out the guy I like, and he said yes. Later, I found out that he used to date my BFF and he broke up with her right before I'd asked him. I left him saying he should have told me earlier and that I would be weird if we dated. I talked to my BFF about it and she got mad at me. She literally didn't even tell me about them. FML
Today, after my fiancee gave me $100 to spend at the garden center as my Mother's Day gift, when I was on my way home from the center, he called and yelled at me because I didn't get what he wanted me to get. FML
Today, I asked a gynecologist if there’s any help for my boobs feeling like giant bruises one week out of three. Her reply was, “If you’re not willing to take pain killers for it, it can’t be that bad.” FML
Today, the cashier asked if I wanted to donate $1 to help hungry children. I said, “Not today, thank you.” The man behind me loudly said, “Wow…” Now everyone thinks I hate children. I'm just that broke. FML
Today, I wanted to entice my crush by being sexy and coy, so I texted him that I wasn't wearing any underwear. He immediately blocked me. FML
Today, I came home and walked into my living room to see my roommate passed out naked, porn autoplaying on the living room TV, a killed 12-case of beer, and dried jizz all over the couch from God knows how many loads. “I thought you were coming home tomorrow,” he said. At least the sofa is leather. FML
Today, my husband farted while he was naked and bending over to pick up his clothes, so me lying on the bed got a perfect view of his butthole twitching and flapping around as the gas escaped. Who says romance is dead? FML
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