Today, I woke up to the sound of scissors. My mom was cutting my hair while I was asleep. FML

by w_t_f / 02/18/2009 at 4:16am / United States (Texas) / Miscellaneous

Today, my grandmother called. She greeted me by my mother's name. When I told her it was not my mother, she apologized and corrected herself, but this time she addressed me as my sister. When I told her it was not my sister either, she said "Sorry, wrong number" and hung up. FML

by fuckthat / 02/18/2009 at 12:08am / United States (Massachusetts) / Miscellaneous

Today, in front of the entire family, I yelled at my mom and told her she wasn't a good parent. She responded with "Well, at least I had friends when I was your age." FML

by loser / 02/17/2009 at 6:33pm / United States (South Carolina) / Miscellaneous

Today, the 9th grade dean called me into his office to talk. He asked me if I was new because it seemed like I was having trouble making friends. I've been going to the same school, with the same people, since kindergarten. FML

by lene / 02/17/2009 at 4:53pm / United States (New York) / Miscellaneous

Today, my lesbian sister enthusiastically showed me her new strap on. Not only does she get more girls than me, she now has a bigger penis too. FML

by stillsingleladies / 02/17/2009 at 10:27am / United States (North Carolina) / Miscellaneous

Today, I told my mom I want to try out for American Idol. She responded with, "You don't take disappointment well." FML

by abbyleigh08 / 02/17/2009 at 2:01am / United States (Texas) / Miscellaneous

Today, I made a couple videos of me playing guitar and singing some of my favorite songs. I arrived back from school to find my family huddled around the cam-corder laughing, imitating, and making jokes about the video. FML

by SADlilAZN / 02/17/2009 at 12:04am / United States (South Carolina) / Miscellaneous

Today, I decided to watch some porn before bed. The lights were off and my roommate was already asleep behind me. I put on my noise-canceling headphones and turned up the volume all the way. After a few strokes my roommate got up and plugged in the headphones for me. FML

by lunarboy / 02/16/2009 at 7:24pm / United States (Connecticut) / Miscellaneous

Today, I was complaining to my mom about how my sister looked like a barbie doll next to me. I was saying how she was so tan and her hair looked awesome next to mine. She paused for a while and then said "Well you're pretty on the inside." FML

by Dasani / 02/16/2009 at 6:57pm / United States (California) / Miscellaneous

Today, is my brothers 16th birthday. He got keys to the Lexus. I'm 18, have no car, and got pajama pants and chapstick for my birthday. FML

by Elmo / 02/16/2009 at 5:42pm / United States (Illinois) / Miscellaneous

Today, I was watching TV when the Jim Beam commercial came on with the hot girl saying how she likes her men fat and hairy. My mom walked in and said, "See honey, you still have a chance." FML

by LonelyInLA / 02/16/2009 at 4:45pm / United States (California) / Miscellaneous

Today, I lost 200 dollars while playing poker with my new sunglasses. Turns out you can see the cards in the reflection. FML

by jwz / 02/16/2009 at 10:25am / Netherlands (Noord-Holland) / Miscellaneous

Today, I told my dad I was leaving to get some beauty sleep. He looked at me laughing and said "See you in a decade." FML

by mags / 02/16/2009 at 10:05am / United States (Connecticut) / Miscellaneous