Today, my neighbor called the police for the seventh time because he's convinced I'm a vampire. He's also gotten in the habit of leaving garlic cloves in my yard. My parents come next week. FML
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Autumn: Leaves and Laughter
When the leaves fall, the laughter rises. Discover autumn stories as crisp as dried leaves!
Today, my deranged wife somehow became convinced that vampires actually exist. She's now walking around with garlic powder caked into her clothing. I can't get the smell out of my nostrils. FML
Today, my ultra-Christian neighbor called the cops on me (again). This time, it was because she could smell "weed" coming from my apartment. I was burning sage. FML
Today, I awoke to banging at my door. It was my neighbor, accusing me of stealing her mail to spy on her, because apparently she thinks I must be some sort of secret agent. The cops don't believe me when I call, and she won't go away. FML
Today, the police showed up at my door asking if I told this creepy guy stalking my girlfriend that I'll chop him up and bury each piece in a different country if he doesn't stop bothering my girl. I told them I did, along with an explanation. Turns out, he's been missing since that day. FML
Today, my new neighbour is delusional. She’s only lived next door 3 weeks and she’s called the police on me 11 times for “taking his bin out so he can look in my window”, “hanging out the washing so he can look in my window” and “barbecuing with his kids so he can look in my window.” Crazy bitch. FML
Today, my thundercunt of a neighbor, who's hated me since I moved in, called the cops on me. He told them he saw me shooting up on drugs. I'm diabetic and was injecting insulin, which he could only have seen by spying on me through my living room window. FML
Today, I found out that my seemingly innocent 80-something neighbor has been stalking every girl in the neighborhood, and considers me his girlfriend. FML
Today, the neighbors called the cops on us because they heard a series of loud screams. No, no one was being murdered, but my mom found one of my socks in the laundry room. FML
Today, my weird neighbor is a conspiracy theorist and thinks the government is trying to kill him. Someone thought it would be funny to shine a red laser light through his window. I was on the stairs when he ran past, screaming bloody murder, sending me down a flight of steps. FML
Today, I've suffered 3 months of my neighbor blasting his music so loud, it shakes my apartment floor. None of my noise complaints are ever followed up, but the moment I give him a piece of my mind, he calls the cops, and they threaten me with jail time over a few curse words. FML
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Top comments
bigtaytay 13
Tell him if he keeps it up your parents will eat him
minauto 15
Act the part! Put on some fangs and a cape. You could have so much fun with your neighbor.
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Comments (69)
bigtaytay 13
Tell him if he keeps it up your parents will eat him
Stazza11 27
Mess with his head even more and tell him the garlic was delicious and that you are immune haha ^__^
Duggie1339 13
Better yet tell him that you ate the garlic with some crosses and you're "out of*pause*MEAT for when my parents come"
jazzy_123 20
I don't think even a vampire could eat a cross...
Wiz_Of_Oz 17
Tell your neighbour that there will be a family reunion at your place, and ancient and powerful vampiric lords and ladies will be in attendance. Get some complicit friends to show up in appropriate attire and tell your parents you are having a little dress up party-prepare costumes for them upon arrival. Make sure that when everyone leaves you all hover about your neighbour's place. Maybe he'll leave you alone afterward.
minauto 15
Act the part! Put on some fangs and a cape. You could have so much fun with your neighbor.
DrownedMyFish 18
Yes, it's all fun and games until you wake up one night and he standing over you with a wooden stake in his hand.
Mimi12589_fml 10
Not only will it be funny but if you're lucky enough he'll go crazy and will have to enter a mental hospital ! Two birds, one stone !
alphabetta 23
Pretty sure that he's already there, 23.
jjmiller1985 10
Knock on his door at midnight and ask to come in and talk about it
zandalee 19
I love this idea. But wear all black with lots of sparkle makeup on and be very quiet and serious. Make very little eye contact.
warsun 27
Never. Just gay ones
paigexox0 37
Since Edward
Hiimhaileypotter 52
No, #46, Edward Cullen is a fairy. Not a true creature of the night. :P
Kreig1996 5
Vampire's would only be "vegetarians" if they needed too
DanielleinDC 33
Since those Twilight books came out. Real vampires don't sparkle in the sun. They may drink that synthetic blood stuff, though.
SammyS2012 21
Interview with a Vampire had a "vegetarian" vampire. some people like Twilight, some people dont. Some like True Blood, some people dont. Let people like what they like.
Wiz_Of_Oz 17
Indeed, accept their beliefs, and calmly move them to a clinic for badtastitis sufferers
callmeave 10
Eat the cloves in front of him so he knows you're one invincible ass vampire.
ironichalibut 24
Exactly! There's so much vampire lore, there are probably a dozen ways you can prove you're either not a vampire, or a vampire the likes of which he never imagined! Either way, it's an interesting visit for your parents!
MortenM 17
Yup. Just a stake through the chest and OP will be just fine
minesbiggerr 25
Just get some sparkles and spread on your body and voila your bella
Amberosia 10
Next time your neighbor is outside you should walk outside then scream and crumple to the ground as if the sunlight has burned you.
airforce987 20
Hmm.. Seems a bit odd that the police would still be taking his call after a 7th report of "vampirism". I certainly wouldn't if I was the dispatcher. The police would probably help you settle things down with your neighbor if you asked them (or, arrest him on harassment charges if he doesn't cooperate), they're probably just as annoyed as you are.
Turbo_Turtle 14
They have to take all calls, even if the person has a tendency of the crazies. They can't risk it being a real emergency.
RedDevel96 5
Considering there are people out there that drink blood and do act as if they're vampires it could be a true concern but I agree if it's been more than two or three times they should stop
blackonblight 32
They may have to take the calls, but false 911 calls are crimes, unless I'm mistaken. After multiple false reports he should have been charged with misuse of 911. I know the guy who called 911 asking for burgers and weed 34 times in a row got arrested for it. I think the guy who repeatedly called 911 for phone sex did too. (I follow some effed up news stories.)
ksks1234 33
The police haven't told him to stop? It seems like a waste of their resources to me. I guess if it really irks you, you could take out a restraining order, at least your neighbor will have to stay away from you and you have plenty of proof from the police. Edit: drat! 6 beat me to it.
littlem91 29
I think a restraining order would be a good idea, else I for see him one day trying to poke you with a stake. :/ I fear he could end up dangerous considering his obsession!
Pvt_miller123 3
Your neighbor needs the cops called on them, pretty sure thats harassment.....
PenguinBitch 43
As long as this distracts him from knowing you're actually a murderous werewolf.
mackdeezy 22
I wouldn't care if you were a vampire as long as you both leave me be and not be glittering in daylight. Do those two things and you'd be an OK vampire.