Miscellaneous: Today, I found out that my seemingly innocent 80-something neighbor...

By JubileeBee - 28/09/2011 10:46 - United States

Today, I found out that my seemingly innocent 80-something neighbor has been stalking every girl in the neighborhood, and considers me his girlfriend. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 291

You deserved it 2 400

Miscellaneous

Late term

First Dates

Keep up!

By RdL - 17/03/2009 18:17 - United States

Today, my parents said that they bought me a car. I had been begging for one for a year and they always said that I would have to pay for it myself. I got really excited and went to the garage to see my new ride. It was a Hot Wheels car with a note saying "save your money". FML

I agree, your life sucks 69 462

You deserved it 31 405

By pacificbeach - 02/03/2009 21:32 - United States

Today, my roommate and I finally got fed up with this increasingly, horrible stench that has been in our apartment for a few days now. Leaving it for our other roommates to handle, we selfishly left to get yogurtland. Moments later, we both expressed that we haven't seen our cat in a while. FML

I agree, your life sucks 15 559

You deserved it 55 063

By bTOhno - 13/08/2011 06:37 - United States

Today, I woke up at my girlfriend's house. She was staring at me, holding a knife over my face. She ran away, giggling. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 980

You deserved it 4 715

By WTF, America? - 03/08/2013 21:57 - Sweden

Today, I was convinced by my friends to watch an episode of the American TV show "Here Comes Honey Boo Boo". They said it was bad, but I didn't anticipate having a full-blown panic attack ten minutes into it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 183

You deserved it 9 589

By Anonymous - 20/04/2012 01:26 - United States

Today, I offered my phone number to the guy I've been flirting back and forth with all week. He said no. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 683

You deserved it 4 008

By hannieannie - 09/02/2016 21:51 - United Kingdom - Oxford

Today, my boyfriend said he was too tired to have sex with me because he'd spent the whole day jerking off. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 282

You deserved it 3 097

Awkward pause

By MothmanKirbaby - 10/04/2021 14:00

Today, a close friend called me to inform me of his newest relationship, and why he's kept it from me - he's been seeing his male cousin for several months and was tired of hiding it from the world. I had to keep my shock in check over the phone. FML

I agree, your life sucks 899

You deserved it 123

By leftwardfoil - 19/08/2011 06:32 - United States

Today, I woke up to my roommate sniffing my underwear. He said he was checking if they were clean, so he could borrow them later. Which may have been reasonable, if I weren't still sleeping in them. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 382

You deserved it 3 344

By boobs are for baby - 05/06/2018 11:30 - United States - Hesperia

Today, I’m still trying desperately to explain to my boyfriend why I’m not interested in any kind of breast or nipple play. I gave birth to our son just 2 months ago and I strictly breastfeed. He insists it’s "not fair" that the baby gets the breasts all the time. Um, what? FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 913

You deserved it 1 050

By Albert - 27/08/2012 22:16 - United States - Dover

Today, I went to see my orthodontist. He informed me that I have an underbite and I will probably need braces again. I just had them taken off last year, after five and a half years of oral hell. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 436

You deserved it 2 060

By rejecteddd - 04/07/2011 20:07 - United States

Today, I went on a blind date. Right after I arrived there, he excused himself to go to the bathroom. He never came back. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 870

You deserved it 5 063

By Mack - 09/09/2011 00:01 - Canada

Today, I was at the book store when a book caught my eye: Overcoming Anxiety For Dummies. I wanted to look through the book but I was too nervous to pick it up, thinking everyone in the store would look at me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 567

You deserved it 6 118

By wait..what - 22/09/2009 05:15 - United States

Today, I was in class just taking notes and minding my own business. The teacher has already called my parents twice complaining about me. As we are taking 3 pages of notes she grabs mine and rips them up, saying that she is sick and tired of me drawing. I was drawing the graphs on the board. FML

I agree, your life sucks 51 617

You deserved it 3 415

By clu - 10/08/2010 06:07 - United States

Today, while eating dinner, a car alarm went off outside for 15 minutes and was driving me crazy, until I realized it was my car. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 782

You deserved it 37 017

By hotmommy - 20/12/2010 00:23

Today, I went to the mall with my daughter. She asked me if she could go see Santa, so I said yes. She made me sit on his lap with her, and that's when I felt something on my bum. Let's just say Santa had a present for me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 101

You deserved it 6 585

By alltern8ive - 09/11/2009 05:05 - United States

Today, my boyfriend tried to be romantic by dipping me backwards and kissing me. He dropped me on my butt and stepped on my hand while trying to help me up. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 242

You deserved it 5 094

My kingdom for a lock

By IAmJacksDeflatedHappiness - 19/10/2021 23:00

Today, I asked my family not to disturb me while I slept, as I had hit over 72 hours of insomnia. My family must have heard me say, “Come in every 20 minutes and wake me up with whatever banal shit you can think of.” I gave up when my mother-in-law decided to enter my room and start vacuuming the floor. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 313

You deserved it 93

By Geez - 19/10/2009 17:02 - Netherlands

Today, I finally got intimate with my girlfriend, the girl of my dreams. I undressed and, ready to step in bed with her, I see her staring at 'it'. Which was quickly followed by laughter. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 034

You deserved it 3 733

Sucker

By BadIdea - 01/03/2012 21:23 - France

Today, I decided to shave my balls. When I was finished, I vacuumed up the mess on the carpet, and then the fragments of hair still on my balls. Very bad idea. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 257

You deserved it 59 463

By b. - 24/09/2009 10:06 - Australia

Today, I was going shopping with a friend. I got up to get off the train and landed on my ass. Not only had I walked into the metal bar, I'd broken my $800 glasses, and the train doors had closed, with my friend on the other side of the doors. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 059

You deserved it 10 838

By ooops - 04/08/2012 16:06 - United States - Minneapolis

Today, I went to have dinner with my girlfriend and her family. It got silent, so, noticing her legs were darker than they were a few hours ago, I wanted to ask her if she used tanning lotion. I ended up asking her if her legs were fake. Her dad has prosthetic legs. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 576

You deserved it 7 257

By LZapped - 08/06/2015 13:35 - United States - Mundelein

Today, I am going to take a law school test. My Mom told me to relax, so I told her, "I'm better at stressing out, so I have something to fall back on if I bomb the test." To which she replied, "And masturbating, you've always excelled at that." FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 235

You deserved it 5 296

By Username - 12/11/2010 14:46 - United States

Today, I contacted a girl who dropped her ID at a club last night. I offer to drive 2 hours to return her ID to her. She is thrilled. When I arrive, she gives me a strange look, takes the ID, and runs back into her house. A two hour drive without even a thank you. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 239

You deserved it 13 675

By Liz - 09/06/2011 04:21 - United States

Today, I thought an attractive guy was looking at my tits instead of my face, and prepared to act offended and perhaps flirt. Unfortunately, he was actually looking at the peeling and flaking sunburn in my cleavage, and informed me that Aloe might be helpful. FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 177

You deserved it 42 499

By ghostyyy - 24/07/2010 23:21 - France

Today, my sister was on television. It would have been great if she weren't being handcuffed for burglary. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 897

You deserved it 3 279

By wookieewhosshe - 19/03/2019 13:00 - United Kingdom - Sutton Coldfield

Today, my building's fire alarm went off. Unfortunately, this coincided with sexy time, and the loud alarm made me jumpy, making it extremely difficult to untie my naked boyfriend. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 047

You deserved it 356

By biglady - 17/02/2011 07:02 - Canada

Today, I downloaded an application for my phone that reads whatever you type out loud. I started making it say things like "You like it when daddy spanks your tight little ass don't you?" Just as the message was playing back out loud, my mom walked up the stairs. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 490

You deserved it 55 431

By Malina - 04/01/2015 01:42 - Australia - Sydney

Today, I bit into a piece of homegrown lettuce from my garden. Apparently, I'm not the only one to enjoy my produce, because I took a bite out of a small caterpillar. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 827

You deserved it 10 290

By Anonymous - 19/09/2015 09:20 - Hungary - Budapest

Today, my mother-in-law turned up at my doorstep close to midnight, drunk off her tits, crying about how my wife is punishing her and throwing her life away by marrying me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 114

You deserved it 1 576

By ktiskool - 01/08/2013 04:03 - United States - Imperial

Today, I was watching my 3-year-old sister play in the bathtub. She started screaming at her toys, saying "You're staying under the water until you DIE!" She then looked at me and cackled. I share a room with this demon child. FML

I agree, your life sucks 55 345

You deserved it 4 130

Naughty girl

By Anonymous - 31/10/2019 14:00 - Canada - Prince George

Today, my mom found out that I got a tattoo two years ago. She got mad and spanked me. I'm 33 years old. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 880

You deserved it 463

I'm orry!

By minac11 - 26/01/2020 20:00 - United States - Brooklyn

Today, I went to give my boyfriend a hug and accidentally knocked his brand new phone out of his hand. The screen was broken. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 725

You deserved it 336

By Anonymous - 10/09/2011 20:21 - United States

Today, the creepy girl in my history class told me that she once spent a whole period doing nothing but counting the freckles on the right side of my face, and that I have more than she's ever seen before on anyone else combined. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 900

You deserved it 3 330

Communication Breakdown

By loling - 25/02/2010 09:37 - United Kingdom

Today, I found out a guy I had a thing with a while back thinks I am obsessed with him. This is because when he said that we should be friends, I stupidly thought he was being sincere and bothered to call him all of three times in the last five months. Clearly a sign of obsession. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 403

You deserved it 3 845

By Anonymous - 08/12/2009 12:10 - Norway

Today, I'm travelling to England for an important meeting. I'm Norwegian, and my name is Bård. I have to introduce myself as bored the whole day, because that's how my name is pronounced. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 569

You deserved it 3 106

By Username - 20/08/2011 09:20 - United States

Today, the girl of my dreams that I've been dating for months called me. Apparently she's been having recurring nightmares of me cheating on her. She dumped me "just in case." FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 370

You deserved it 2 664

Masterchef

By Embarassed - 19/03/2014 22:24 - Canada - Vancouver

Today, my boss told me that there is no point in making me cut onions anymore because every time I do, I look like I've "been beaten", and can't be seen by the customers for at least half an hour. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 666

You deserved it 3 606

Instadrama

By etahrabayraa - 27/06/2020 08:08

Today, I was stalking a popular girl from my high school's account and my phone went bonkers. It looks like I liked and disliked the same video of hers over and over. I disabled my Instagram account. FML

I agree, your life sucks 622

You deserved it 1 440

By sister of an angry nerd - 23/12/2015 06:09

Today, I went to see Star Wars with my brother. The entire time he talked about how scientifically inaccurate and improbable the entire movie was. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 305

You deserved it 3 147

By davetherave1983 - 09/09/2015 05:09 - United Kingdom - Manchester

Today, after carefully, and might I say, expertly removing all the hair from my girlfriend's genitals, she decided to try and "Nair" my balls. 24 hours later and I still can't walk properly and my balls look like they were involved in a severe kitchen incident. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 776

You deserved it 5 156

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Top comments

TheDrifter 23

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Wednesday 28 September 2011 16:37

Call him grampa and cuddle in his lap. I'll bet he has a present for you.

yamatelle 19

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Wednesday 28 September 2011 16:43

What you also didn't know is that he's got binoculars, a box of tissues, and vaseline right next to his window. I would invest in some blinds if I were you.

TheDrifter 23

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Wednesday 28 September 2011 16:37

Call him grampa and cuddle in his lap. I'll bet he has a present for you.

DoubleDose 0

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Wednesday 28 September 2011 16:42

what's so bad about a poor old senile man dreaming about his pimping days. stop being a stuck up bitch and play along. he doesnt have much time left

fakeaccountX 6

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Wednesday 28 September 2011 16:44

You live next to Hugh Hefner?

SCREAM4meeee 0

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Wednesday 28 September 2011 16:47

Don't you consider him your boyfriend? That sounds like a bad relationship on your part OP.

MissBunnyWillEat 11

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Wednesday 28 September 2011 16:56

Be careful, OP. He might chop your boobs off and superglue your eyes shut.

enonymous 8

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Wednesday 28 September 2011 16:57

Herbert the pervert went straight?!? What is the world coming to?

AndreKanaan 6

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Wednesday 28 September 2011 17:27

#26 you forgot to inform her not to scream if he does try anything... lmao

cruxx 0

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Wednesday 28 September 2011 17:27

Consider him single. Oh and woo 1000th comment for Enon

Kyzahhh 7

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Wednesday 28 September 2011 17:38

OP show him your sex is better than crispy bacon

seanders 10

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Wednesday 28 September 2011 17:40

Let him have his glory lol. He's in his 80s and doesn't have a long time left. If this makes him happy then so be it lol.

BagleHead 6

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Wednesday 28 September 2011 17:48

He's only 80, just bang him make him happy! He doesn't have much time left. Just play along, dont mind that he is stalking you, he is old. Old means you can do whatever you want!

kgray99 3

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Wednesday 28 September 2011 21:57

And he chose you out of every other girl in the neighborhood, so that's good....

enonymous 8

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Wednesday 28 September 2011 22:00

42 - I'd like to thank the academy. GLAAD, My Abs, Anal sex, ruffies, Nutella, high powered binoculars, vaseline, jergens, Keyman, hailphire, and every person on FML an lastly the big G-man in the sky

DrewsFML 8

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Wednesday 28 September 2011 23:32

Yeah sit on his lap and talk about the first thing that pops up.

bitchslapped22 14

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Thursday 29 September 2011 0:06

YDI

max_wilder 9

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Thursday 29 September 2011 4:26

Act really slutty, all guys hate that

Jovecove 13

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Thursday 29 September 2011 16:52

86 - that is if it can pop up.

ih82bl8 2

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Friday 30 September 2011 4:56

Marry him and take his money when he dies

6joe9 0

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Friday 30 September 2011 12:58

Bang him. He'll probably die. Die happy !

lifesuxalways12 0

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Monday 3 October 2011 1:10

She will give him a heart attack

ScarletBloom 14

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Wednesday 28 September 2011 16:37

Because you attracted to this kind of people.

ifknh8usernames 7

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Wednesday 28 September 2011 16:57

you seem to have hard time spelling? you sentences no make sense.

CryMoreFMLs 14

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Wednesday 28 September 2011 17:26

She's in Singapore, she might be new to the language...

ScarletBloom 14

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Wednesday 28 September 2011 18:14

What I meant was she attracts this kind of people.

StormfrontX33_fml 24

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Wednesday 28 September 2011 18:30

Why am I reminded of Herbert?

Blueglasscup 18

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Wednesday 28 September 2011 21:56

Doubt it since most of Singapore speaks English. Even if it's in that damn accent...

whymee55 6

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Thursday 29 September 2011 18:14

60. MMMmmmm...

krez 20

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Wednesday 28 September 2011 16:38

He's probably a nice guy.

SteveTheJanitor 6

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Wednesday 28 September 2011 16:54

Until he chops her up and puts her in a place where she will never be seen again...yeah, a real nice guy

SadinSherman 16

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Wednesday 28 September 2011 17:46

He is eighty

ThreeSheetsGone 12

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Wednesday 28 September 2011 17:56

18 to 80, blind, bald or crazy!

ikickgingers 15

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Wednesday 28 September 2011 18:44

Biz

farhil 14

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Wednesday 28 September 2011 21:41

nitch?

ikickgingers 15

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Wednesday 28 September 2011 22:22

"this goes out to all the ladies... 18 to 80. ... Blind crippled or crazzzzzyyy". It's from a biz markie song? Eff it nm.

KiddNYC1O 20

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Wednesday 28 September 2011 22:44

22- Like in a janitor closet?

22cute 17

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Wednesday 28 September 2011 23:18

Yeah, I don't think so. Hard as it is to believe unethical creeps get old right along with decent people.

krez 20

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Thursday 29 September 2011 12:01

Thanks #104, I thought it was pretty obvious...

spacemanspiff78 7

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Wednesday 28 September 2011 16:39

Has he offered to host a tylenol pm eating contest yet?

hotPinklipstick 24

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Wednesday 28 September 2011 16:39

Sugar Daddy???

rayzer_fml 0

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Tuesday 4 October 2011 6:43

Lmao!!! XD

olpally 32

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Wednesday 28 September 2011 16:40

Uh-oh... Another pedobear on the loose... Run away fast op...

eradonnes 0

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Wednesday 28 September 2011 16:49

pedrobear

olpally 32

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Wednesday 28 September 2011 16:58

Haha 19... Pic and comment=win :D

IDrownOreos 0

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Wednesday 28 September 2011 16:40

Sounds like Hugh Hefner

SteveTheJanitor 6

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Wednesday 28 September 2011 16:56

What is it with people taking selfies of themselves shirtless...do they actually think they're going to pick someone up on here? They're just embarrassing themselves instead of making themselves look good

CryMoreFMLs 14

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Wednesday 28 September 2011 17:29

People like to make a miserable attempt to look "cool".

Andr913 13

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Wednesday 28 September 2011 18:32

Well, douchebags need love too.

hail_this_villai 0

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Wednesday 28 September 2011 19:25

Meh, the people who do it are desperate for attention and the people mocking it are usually jealous. Lose-lose.

CryMoreFMLs 14

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Wednesday 28 September 2011 21:05

I adore my unshapely body. Im not jealous in the least bit.

SteveTheJanitor 6

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Thursday 29 September 2011 2:12

He changed his picture now...

IDrownOreos 0

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Thursday 29 September 2011 2:54

Bitch.. Worry about yourself damn fucking no life

hannahmorgan06 7

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Thursday 29 September 2011 4:19

what guy doesnt do that? chill out.

onedayinamsterda 14

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Wednesday 28 September 2011 16:41

dude's 80+, stalked every girl in the neighborhood and thinks Ur the creme de la creme, making u his "gf". it's a fucking compliment right there. take it the right way ;)

yamatelle 19

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Wednesday 28 September 2011 16:43

What you also didn't know is that he's got binoculars, a box of tissues, and vaseline right next to his window. I would invest in some blinds if I were you.

ikickgingers 15

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Wednesday 28 September 2011 17:19

^^ I see what you did there. :)

yamatelle 19

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Wednesday 28 September 2011 17:26

Oh hey there ikick, how is the van coming along? Children nowadays are smarter, aren't they?! It takes more than just lollipops to lure them in.

rattusrattus 18

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Wednesday 28 September 2011 17:27

The binoculars are for birdwatching, the tissues are because he has a cold, and the vaseline is so he can insert his suppositories. That's his story and he's sticking to it.