Today, my neighbor called the police for the seventh time because he's convinced I'm a vampire. He's also gotten in the habit of leaving garlic cloves in my yard. My parents come next week. FML
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Today, my deranged wife somehow became convinced that vampires actually exist. She's now walking around with garlic powder caked into her clothing. I can't get the smell out of my nostrils. FML
Today, my ultra-Christian neighbor called the cops on me (again). This time, it was because she could smell "weed" coming from my apartment. I was burning sage. FML
Today, I awoke to banging at my door. It was my neighbor, accusing me of stealing her mail to spy on her, because apparently she thinks I must be some sort of secret agent. The cops don't believe me when I call, and she won't go away. FML
Today, the police showed up at my door asking if I told this creepy guy stalking my girlfriend that I'll chop him up and bury each piece in a different country if he doesn't stop bothering my girl. I told them I did, along with an explanation. Turns out, he's been missing since that day. FML
Today, my new neighbour is delusional. She’s only lived next door 3 weeks and she’s called the police on me 11 times for “taking his bin out so he can look in my window”, “hanging out the washing so he can look in my window” and “barbecuing with his kids so he can look in my window.” Crazy bitch. FML
Today, my thundercunt of a neighbor, who's hated me since I moved in, called the cops on me. He told them he saw me shooting up on drugs. I'm diabetic and was injecting insulin, which he could only have seen by spying on me through my living room window. FML
Today, I found out that my seemingly innocent 80-something neighbor has been stalking every girl in the neighborhood, and considers me his girlfriend. FML
Today, the neighbors called the cops on us because they heard a series of loud screams. No, no one was being murdered, but my mom found one of my socks in the laundry room. FML
Today, my weird neighbor is a conspiracy theorist and thinks the government is trying to kill him. Someone thought it would be funny to shine a red laser light through his window. I was on the stairs when he ran past, screaming bloody murder, sending me down a flight of steps. FML
Today, I've suffered 3 months of my neighbor blasting his music so loud, it shakes my apartment floor. None of my noise complaints are ever followed up, but the moment I give him a piece of my mind, he calls the cops, and they threaten me with jail time over a few curse words. FML
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Top comments
bigtaytay 13
Tell him if he keeps it up your parents will eat him
minauto 15
Act the part! Put on some fangs and a cape. You could have so much fun with your neighbor.
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Comments (69)
CrikOgresmasher 19
Tell him his girlfriend likes your sucking
morella_xx 29
Like this guy has a girlfriend.
ariiewilliams 17
So do you sparkle, burst into flames, or remain normal in the sunlight?
Hiimhaileypotter 52
Well, if he sparkled he'd be a fairy. :)
Jared900DUmpling 30
Just bite him and be done with it.
Rozay333 36
This is a perfect opportunity to scare the crap out if him! xD
LisaDay 14
id be the neighbor who gives him more reasons to believe. pretend to do a satanic ritual in your yard to "summon your friends"
OhWhoCares 42
Time to break out a pentagram, Ouija board, and candles, OP. Don't forget the sacrificial animal blood offering. :)
EdenCrystal 21
79, I'm thinking human blood...
blackonblight 32
Human blood is too expensive, you can get pigs blood from the local butcher shop and not deprive anyone of a transfusion. And better quantity that way. Though if you're attempting something Enochian, one of the summonings from the Key of Solomon or something employing classic demonology imagery, good luck, you'll be up for days drawing diagrams. That stuff is complex. Trying to read Dee and Kelley's work is brain hurting. Waite isn't much better. And don't get me started on Crowley's stuff.
Alastor13X 8
You have family coming!?!? I wouldn't see this as an FML, I would see this as an opportunity. Personally, I would start screaming stupid shit at him like " I am the day walker! " and start juggling garlic cloves on his front lawn. You can always just start twerking his windows if he has a porch with windows at ass level. Anyways, I would let your family know, and who knows... Maybe they will want to join in on the fun. If he thinks one vampire is bad, just think what a whole family of them will do to his head!
alycion 38
And this is why you don't go outside wearing nothing but body glitter.
BobRyder 24
Why on Earth are the cops still taking that idiot's calls after the 7th time? SMH.
Bekll 31
So go impress your parents. Gather up the free garlic cloves and make an awesome roasted garlic soup!
Razell 13
Ya srsly! Or start a garden. You should be able to just stick the cloves in the ground and watch them sprout. Ask him for different varieties of garlic to complete your collection.
colombiatti 14
Edward?
ericb982 8
Wouldn't the garlic have killed him?