Today, my neighbor called the police for the seventh time because he's convinced I'm a vampire. He's also gotten in the habit of leaving garlic cloves in my yard. My parents come next week. FML
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Autumn: Leaves and Laughter
When the leaves fall, the laughter rises. Discover autumn stories as crisp as dried leaves!
Today, my deranged wife somehow became convinced that vampires actually exist. She's now walking around with garlic powder caked into her clothing. I can't get the smell out of my nostrils. FML
Today, my ultra-Christian neighbor called the cops on me (again). This time, it was because she could smell "weed" coming from my apartment. I was burning sage. FML
Today, I awoke to banging at my door. It was my neighbor, accusing me of stealing her mail to spy on her, because apparently she thinks I must be some sort of secret agent. The cops don't believe me when I call, and she won't go away. FML
Today, the police showed up at my door asking if I told this creepy guy stalking my girlfriend that I'll chop him up and bury each piece in a different country if he doesn't stop bothering my girl. I told them I did, along with an explanation. Turns out, he's been missing since that day. FML
Today, my new neighbour is delusional. She’s only lived next door 3 weeks and she’s called the police on me 11 times for “taking his bin out so he can look in my window”, “hanging out the washing so he can look in my window” and “barbecuing with his kids so he can look in my window.” Crazy bitch. FML
Today, my thundercunt of a neighbor, who's hated me since I moved in, called the cops on me. He told them he saw me shooting up on drugs. I'm diabetic and was injecting insulin, which he could only have seen by spying on me through my living room window. FML
Today, I found out that my seemingly innocent 80-something neighbor has been stalking every girl in the neighborhood, and considers me his girlfriend. FML
Today, the neighbors called the cops on us because they heard a series of loud screams. No, no one was being murdered, but my mom found one of my socks in the laundry room. FML
Today, my weird neighbor is a conspiracy theorist and thinks the government is trying to kill him. Someone thought it would be funny to shine a red laser light through his window. I was on the stairs when he ran past, screaming bloody murder, sending me down a flight of steps. FML
Today, I've suffered 3 months of my neighbor blasting his music so loud, it shakes my apartment floor. None of my noise complaints are ever followed up, but the moment I give him a piece of my mind, he calls the cops, and they threaten me with jail time over a few curse words. FML
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Top comments
bigtaytay 13
Tell him if he keeps it up your parents will eat him
minauto 15
Act the part! Put on some fangs and a cape. You could have so much fun with your neighbor.
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Comments (69)
bluefrootloops 13
I sleep in a coffin too, so dark quiet and comfy I don't know why more vampires don't do it. Most of us are all modern now kicking it in a human made bed.
validator 12
Tell him you have a daylight ring and an immortal
knoxxx 22
It sounds like OP is an adult who lives on their own and his or her parents are coming for a visit, not a kid waiting for his parents to come back home and take care of the situation.
Ihavegas 22
tell them you are also allergic to pizza and beer. or perhaps you can milk it by demanding offering etc.
DrHail 22
Buy a cape, wear some fake teeth and cringe at the garlic and hide from the sun. Also, wear as much black as possible. Then deny everything to the cops.
Witchylady 17
Well, are you a vampire? It's ok you can tell us? If not then the next question is do you dress like one?
B4rn3yST1NSON 15
what a odd neighbor. May I borrow him for some paperwork?
B4rn3yST1NSON 15
Oh and did you tell him about our lord and savior Count Dracula?
blackonblight 32
I prefer the word of Our Lady Of Sapphic Feeding, Carmilla.
worldclassrager 39
Sun bathe (if you can) that will change his mind
blackonblight 32
At least he hasn't resorted to stealing all your left socks.