Today, to ask a boy I really liked to my school's turnabout dance, I gave him a box full of 10 cupcakes that spelled out T-U-R-N-A-B-O-U-T-?. The boy gave the box back a little later. There were two cupcakes left inside. It said N-O. FML
Today, I wanted revenge on the rabbit who ate my garden's plants. When he returned, he was standing next to my brand new above-ground swimming pool. I pull out my 22. rifle and shot at it, but the bullet missed and popped a hole in my pool. 15,000 gallons of water flooded my basement. FML
Today, I told my mother that I'm pregnant. She went off screaming at me about how I shouldn't be having sex. I am 25 and have been happily married for 3 years. FML
Today, while driving home from work an old homeless man stepped out on front of my car. As I slammed on the brakes the man threw a bag of poo at my windscreen and shouted "Praise The Lord!" before carrying on as if nothing had happened. FML
Today, my girlfriend broke up with me, saying I was immature for making gay jokes all the time. A few hours later, I got six texts and three calls from guys I didn't know. It turns out, she put my name and number on Craigslist as a gay man seeking a relationship. FML
Today, I was coaching at a swim meet. I heard a few of my swimmers screaming about a huge wasp on my head, so I told everyone to stay calm because we didn't want to upset the wasp. Unfortunately, I was interrupted by another coach from our team hitting me repeatedly on the head with a clipboard. FML
Today, I was riding the subway when a beautiful topless girl walked into my car and sat directly in front of me. Then, the train stopped abruptly and I banged my head. The girl was gone and I realized it had all been a dream. Then I realized I was supposed to get off 17 stops ago. FML
Today, I pulled a muscle in my arm while wiping my butt. FML
Today, I discovered that I have developed a latex allergy. I'm a third year medical student. FML
Today, I was on an airplane, riding in first class for the first time in my life. The man next to me turned to me just before takeoff, stared at my chest, and said that he hoped there would be severe turbulence. FML
Today, while working at the bakery, I slipped on a pen. I dropped the pie rack I was holding full of pies right on my face. I now have a burn mark on my cheek that looks like a swastika. FML
Today, I learned that making an illegal U-turn right after you see a cop doing one will not stop said cop from ticketing you. FML
Today, I was on a bench enjoying the sun, when a guy comes and sits next to me. Next thing I know, he lets out a loud fart, then looks my way with pride. I stare back in shock. He then says to me, "Yeah, that just happened," and walks off. FML
Today, I was making out with this guy, and I ask him if he wants to take my bra off. He has some trouble getting it off and says, "This is strange, I do it for my sister all the time." FML
Today, I was driving my family home, when my 7 year old son had to pee. Having long since passed any rest stops, I made him use a bottle. Once he was done, he grenaded the bottle out the window, hitting someone's windshield dead on. FML
Today, I missed work because I was at the hospital getting treated for accidentally inhaling chlorine gas. I didn't realize that using Comet Industrial Strength Cleanser to scrub out a cat litter pan could be so hazardous. FML
Today, I saw a homeless man on the corner, I thought I would be generous and give him some cash. I rolled down my window and waved my hand for him to come over. As he was walking over, he was struck by another car. FML
Today, my girlfriend, who's on a diet, refused to give me a blow job because my sperm would "add useless calories" to her day. FML
Today, my 400 pound roommate brought home a 400 pound guy. Now there's 800 pounds of sex going on in the next room, and it sounds like the invasion of Normandy in there. FML
Today, my boyfriend got a new rifle. He forced me to watch him stripping it, oiling it, and sliding things into its barrel. We then watched 'Enemy at the Gates'. I basically endured 4 hours of gun porn. FML
Today, I was awoken by my neighbor pounding on my back door at 3 am, only to look outside and see my car engulfed in flames. FML
Today, I had a parent-teacher conference with my 8 year old son. He'd written "Chuck Norris" as the answer for every question on his test. FML
Today, my genius boyfriend was trying to remember a particular island in the Caribbean that was used by pirates in the past. I offered up Morocco. I heard him facepalm over the phone. FML
Today, I got home to three boys riding bikes out in front of my house, smiling at me. I instantly thought they were checking me out, so I smiled sweetly at them. Turns out they were flaunting the fact that they just stole all 3 of our bikes. FML
Today, I have a cold. Trying to clear out my stuffy nose, I tried putting mouthwash in my nose. Thinking it was an awesome idea, I put some more in. I then starting screaming in pain due to the extreme burning in my nostrils. FML
Today, I caught a cab to take me to a hospital appointment. The driver turned around and told me I was in the Cash Cab. I got really excited and screamed. That is, until she laughed and said, "Just kidding. I always wanted to do that to someone." FML
Today, I was having horrible morning sickness. I was violently throwing up, could hardly breathe, and was gasping for air between each round of puking. My husband, in the other room playing video games, snapped and shouted, "Why can't you just be quiet?!" FML
Today, I got back from camp. My camp-mates? A girl who refused to shower the entire week, a girl who threatened to hurt me several times, a snorer, my princess of a sister who took forever in the mornings, and a counselor who watched us sleep. FML
Today, I was working in costume at a recreation of a Confederation-era town. I had to convince a visitor that it's not, in fact, an Amish village, and we do actually leave after five. FML
Today, I was using a public urinal when a man came up to use the one next to me. As he approached, he said, "Friendly spy plane inbound" and pretended to look at my knob. FML
Feel like sharing it with the other FML users?
Thanks, your FML was submitted, and will appear in the moderation queue soon!
