Today, I was sitting under a rather large house plant in my dining room, minding my own business when a spider lowered itself right in front of my face. It startled me, causing me to gasp, which resulted in me inhaling the spider. I then spent 3 minutes choking on it. FML
Collection
Fall
Dead leaves, the first cold of the season and an umbrella flipped inside out: fall, the season of grace.
Today, I woke up to a spider crawling across my face. I was so shocked that my new house had spiders, I jumped up out of bed, only to slip on the floor and land face down onto the bed. Wouldn't you know it, right where the spider was at that point. I can still taste the juice I squished out of it. FML
Today, I saw a spider in my kitchen. Freaked, but trying to be humane, I held out a piece of paper so it would climb on, and I would then put it outside. However, it jumped out of nowhere and landed on my face. My reaction was to whack at where the spider was - my face. I stumbled around, disoriented; the spider got away. FML
Today, I used my inhaler for the first time in a year. As soon as I took a puff I felt something strange go down my throat. Upon closer inspection I discovered there had been a spider living in the mouth of my inhaler... and I had just swallowed it. FML
Today, I saw a spider in my room. I got a piece of paper to try and put it outside. As I reached, it jumped out of nowhere and landed on my face. My reaction was to smack where the spider was - my face. I fell on the floor disoriented. The spider got away. FML
Today, I found a big spider on my wall. I have arachnophobia, and I was trying to kill it with my shoe. I pulled back and hit myself in the face, causing me to fall backwards. The spider is still alive somewhere in my house. FML
Today, while typing at my desk, I leaned back in my chair to stretch my arms. A spider dangling from the ceiling must have been watching me since it had perfect timing on its descent right into my open yawning mouth. FML
Today, while hiking, I walked face first into a spider web. Freaking out, I shook my hair out in case there was a spider. Later on in the day the spider fell from my hair into my food. FML
Today, I was taking a shower when I noticed the huge spider above my head. Now, being the smart person I am, I sprayed the water up at it, causing it to fall. Right on my face. FML
Today, I was washing dishes when I picked up a plate and saw a huge spider. Trying to be nice, I took the plate outside and tried to gently push the spider off. The wind blew it into my eye. FML
Today, I woke up and coughed up the spider I thought I'd killed last night. FML
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Top comments
beefstew_54 3
thats just awful. just....ugh **** that shit.. *shivers*
HowAreYouToday 34
Why the hell were you born?
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Comments (141)
alessandrakf 6
Get a smaller plant?
HowAreYouToday 34
Why the hell were you born?
Roevera 14
Spiders don't only creep on large plants. It could have dangled from the roof or even crawled up from the floor!
Ch0sen 13
Unless it somehow raised itself with anti-gravity webs, I doubt it "lowered itself" in front of OP by "crawling up fron the floor"...
HowAreYouToday 34
Now you're thinking with portals :D
nevershoutkendal_fml 11
22- Have you forgotten that spiders have webs, sir? Ahem. Disregard this comment. I read the thread wrong. I'm not too coherent at 2:45 AM.
ovechkinisbeast 9
That awkward moment when you absolutely butcher the spelling of a word easy as dining.
sens3sfailing 25
"a word as easy as dining"* i know it was a typo, but still.
JocelynKaulitz 28
The itsy bitsy spider climbed up OP's throat…
pcentral 17
1 - Your internet is hereby revoked. Good day, madam.
JBMcC 7
-46 dazzle me with your logic.
AwsumShyGuy 12
Radioactive spiders 22. What, they do more than give people superpowers.
sens3sfailing 25
Are you trying to challenge me to prove to you that god doesn't exist? Think carefully, I am not against people believing god is real, just them trying to push it on me when I don't push my beliefs on them. Like I say on my profile, to each his own.
heygirlie777 21
"There once was a lady who swallowed a fly, I don't know why, she swallowed a fly, perhaps she'll die!"
tctheamazing 7
It was a spider not a fly..
Sora_McKain 36
"There was an old lady who swallowed a spider, it wiggled and juggled and tickled inside her. She swallowed the spider to catch the fly. I don't know why she swallowed a fly, perhaps she'll die. "
stottlemeyer 0
did it catch the fly?
KissMyFurryAss 10
Next she has to swallow a bird.
Roevera 14
Then the cat to catch the bird. I don't know why she swallowed the spider. Perhaps she'll die!
winnie_moline 6
It amazes me how unlucky the people on fml are yls
patrickalamo 48
I don't know why she swallowed the fly... Perhaps she'll die...
SqueakyChipmunk 22
There was an old lady who swallowed a horse...she died of course!
BntyHntrSeattle 30
Sorry, OP; spiders are gross and scary. Make sure there aren't any others around you! FYL
Khariau 8
Gosh!? What is wrong with spiders! They're not like evil creepy crawlies comming to scare the shit out of you! The OP is the one who probably scared the shit out of its tiny body. All she was looking for was food, so YDI. Since the spider can't post an FML i'll re do it for him :«today, one of those stupid humans swalloed me and covered me in saliva, FML»
Hiimhaileypotter 53
64- Replace "saliva" with "stomach acids." It's funnier.
onlychildFTW 34
Plus the spider I'm sure died from the throat being all suffocating and what not. I'm not a big fan of spiders, personally, when there in my house. Outside they can do whatever they please.
Khariau 8
Ok for stumach acids! But I mean spiders are just part of nature, you have to put up with them. They're the ones who eat the flies and mosquitoes too.
danonno 5
Yeahh um the spider didn't really make it out in one piece...
Aboss786110 0
There a spider , other person "where did he go" me "in the other room !"
Zya_fml 8
?
HowAreYouToday 34
And thus, Grammar was found dead in his bed.
Yousuck24 21
There is a spider (in the dining room I guess.) Somebody asks "where did the spider go?" I reply with "It must of went into the other room." ... So I assume the guy was speaking in first person about OP and didn't want others to know he ate the spider?
andiewithlove 21
Is someone "flying high off weed" again?
andiewithlove 21
Is someone "flying high off weed" again?
Yousuck24 21
Thank you 59 for correcting my errors, I really mean it.
laden_swallow09 35
…And that, boys and girls, is how a pretentious asshole of a Grammar Nazi learned to love again. The End.
jgduplante 9
Yousuck never mentioned anything about grammar. He just added more details to what OP said so we could get a better understanding of it, and I appreciate it. The first words I thought after reading OP's comment were "what the ****", so I'm glad someone could give me a better idea of what it means. Please stop giving him shit, even if he is mature enough to take it without being insulted.
tacohead411 14
Delicious.
sens3sfailing 25
Creepy charms! It's grossly delicious!
beefstew_54 3
thats just awful. just....ugh **** that shit.. *shivers*
imvanessa917 4
you said it **** that shit i would have died and omg theres a spidar on the wall
pinky78711 5
89- dont eat it
XxJessisonfirexX 8
Omg ! Id be no good after that . I bet op has a legit phobia of spiders now .
jetsown08 21
Shoulda just eaten it and let it burn in your stomach acids. Hey, they're a good source of protein at least!
Mister_Triangle 21
When you make a mistake, sometimes you just gotta own up and go all the way.
TourettesGuyFTW 26
It's also a good source of nightmare too! Aaaahhhh
Zfontaine04 8
There was an old lady who swallowed a spider...
jetsown08 21
Riveting tale, chap!
kittytub 12
I loved that book! :D
mrghdfy76 8
Tasty!
flashback.miss 28
got to love that crunchy protein goodness~
perdix 31
Hey, it just wanted to share your curds and whey. Did you fall off your tuffet?