Love: Today, I woke up beside a disgusting guy I didn't know. He told...

By elo - France

Today, I woke up beside a disgusting guy I didn't know. He told me he was the best friend of the handsome guy I was hitting on yesterday evening. I can't remember at which point I got mislead into bringing the wrong one home. FML

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7882

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Love

Coherence dude, do you have it?

Mind control

Call CPS!

By kfoehslfns - United States

Today, I was woken up at 3:00 am to the sound of a tape recording of a baby crying, loudly. This has been going on for 3 nights, non stop. Why? because I brought up the subject of having a baby with my wife. Clearly, you can see where she stands. FML

I agree, your life sucks

39337

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By water fail - New Zealand - Auckland

Today, it was an extremely hot day so I hit up the beach for a swim. Just as I entered the water, the first wave approached me. I tried to jump it and lost my footing, managing to dislocate my hip. I had to be dragged from the water by the lifeguards. FML

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21323

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By Jeff make - United States - Malvern

Today, I called my girlfriend saying "I think we need to break up." She said "No, I don't think so," and hung up. FML

I agree, your life sucks

20350

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By troubled - France

Today, I got l disconnect notices for both my water and my electric. After looking over my budget, I realized that I can only pay for one until next month. FML

I agree, your life sucks

27064

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By Anonymous

Today, I had to stand outside the changing room while two of my coworkers had noisy sex. I just needed my car keys. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1854

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By scarred for life - United States - Carmel

Today, I realized my recent weight loss probably wasn't caused by working out and eating more healthily. It was from the tapeworm I discovered hanging out my ass after I took a crap. I had to pull it out with my bare hands. FML

I agree, your life sucks

18364

Phew, glad it wasn't me

4033

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By Username - United States

Today, I was pulled over for speeding and was shocked that the cop asked me out. Before I could respond, he noticed my wedding ring, said "Nevermind" and then gave me a ticket. FML

I agree, your life sucks

32367

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By Anonymous

Today, I traveled to my hometown for a funeral. I'm staying with my family in the house I grew up in. My dad told me they'd "completely renovated" the house. There's still only one bathroom for the seven of us and I'm sleeping on the floor for the entire two weeks. FML

I agree, your life sucks

4028

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By disaster... - United States

Today, my mom and my step dad decided they're getting a divorce. They've been married for 2 weeks and I paid for a quarter of the wedding. FML

I agree, your life sucks

71221

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By CutieBooty - United States

Today, after some passionate love making with my husband, I accidentally farted on his leg. He shrieked and frantically began shaking his leg while screaming, "Get it off! Get it off!" FML

I agree, your life sucks

24273

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By GuiltByTenuousAssociation - United States

Today, I parked and noticed a car that was identical to mine across from me. I thought it was an amusing coincidence until I came back to find both cars trashed. At least the vandal realized their mistake and left a note saying, "You deserve it for having the same car as that cheater, asshole!" FML

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41284

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By sealy - United States

Today, I was told I sound like a seal barking when I orgasm. FML

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31943

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By Anonymous - United States - San Francisco

Today, I finally got myself settled into bed around 2 in the morning after a very long day. My cat started to snuggle with me when I smelled something disgusting. Turns out my cat sharted in my bed. FML

I agree, your life sucks

23016

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By the other man - United States - Fort Smith

Today, I learned that the girl I've been seeing for 6 months is actually married. She just dates me when her husband is pissing her off. FML

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51884

You deserved it

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I had my 3 year old son in the doctors office. During the exam, he informed the doctor that he doesn't sleep in mommy's bed anymore because mommy sleeps in her underwear and farts all night long. FML

I agree, your life sucks

42141

You deserved it

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By CakeForBreakfast

Boomers

Today, I asked my father if I could have my grandfather's old vinyls, record player and vintage tube radio. He told me he threw those out years ago because, "Who listens to that crap anymore, now that we have mp3s?" FML

I agree, your life sucks

1860

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206

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By musicman2005 - United States

Today, I was at work, about to go to lunch. There were some girl scouts out front selling cookies. I told my manager that I would be using a different exit, and when he asked why, I told him that girl scouts really annoy the crap out of me. The girl scouts out front were his daughters. FML

I agree, your life sucks

23882

You deserved it

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By Lost - United States

Today, it was my 18th birthday. Nobody said anything. Gillette sent me a free razor though. FML

I agree, your life sucks

40208

You deserved it

3137

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By Shoutout1011

Today, my 6-month-old daughter decided she'd scream every time I'd answer her cries instead of her daddy. He just left for a 12-hour shift at work. Only 11 more hours to go. FML

I agree, your life sucks

4529

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By perpetuallyscrewed

Today, after nearly eight months of unemployment, I started a great new job. After seven and a half hours of work, my new boss comes up to tell me what a great job I was doing, but that he somehow forgot to clear the new hire with the company owner, so I'm fired. Hello, unemployment... again. FML

I agree, your life sucks

38776

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By rkaneki

Twice error

Today, the guy I've been seeing told me he did not want to pursue a relationship with me after over 2 months of talking. He did the exact same thing to me 7 years ago. I fell for him twice. FML

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1605

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By Lilly_28 - United States

Today, I was home alone. I didn't expect anyone to be anywhere near home, so when I got out of the shower, I walked to the living room, naked, to get the tv remote for my room. Only to find the UPS guy standing at our glass front door. I screamed... so did he. FML

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43870

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By kay-z - United States

Today, my dad heard that the guy who bullied me at school died recently of a drug overdose. For some reason, he thinks we were actually best friends, and thinks I'm doing drugs too. I'm now not allowed out of the house except to go to school. He won't listen to a word I say. FML

I agree, your life sucks

49580

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By TT - United States

Today, I went to get some teeth pulled. I had Novocaine in my gums and lip so I couldn't feel a thing. When the doctor is pulling out the last tooth, he sneezes and pulls the tooth out. He looks in my mouth and I hear, "Oh, shit..." I now have stitches in my mouth. FML

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59585

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By Getmeoutofhere - Australia

At least it wasn't rotting coconut?

Today, I was masturbating when my dad came into my room to say goodnight. He leaned down over my bed, paused, and said "What's that smell? It's like... oh." His face dropped and he left the room. I don't think he'll ever see me the same way again. FML

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4250

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By Anonymous - United States - Lincolnton

Today, my boyfriend told me that he'd never made a girl orgasm. I didn't think much of it until he decided to go down on me. Every time he got me close to orgasm, he'd stop and ask, "Are you about to come?" or "Does that feel good?" Now I can see why he's never made a girl orgasm. FML

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36681

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By Blueberrypicc - United States

Today, I was messing with my boyfriend in my basement. We are both virgins and he wanted to perform oral sex on me for the first time. Naked, we finally decided to try to have sex. We discovered the act is much harder than it may seem. We're both still virgins. FML

I agree, your life sucks

33210

You deserved it

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By grossedout - United States - Endicott

Today, I actually had to explain to my husband why his habit of wiping his boogers off into our baby's hair has to stop. FML

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48034

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3697

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By KeysToHappiness - United States - Roseville

Today, I was kayaking with my family for my birthday, when we tipped over while going down a rocky cascade. My husband badly cut up his arm, and my car keys and my phone both went for a swim and never returned. Great birthday. FML

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22362

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By Anonymous

Et tu, Chandler?

Today, I found out that when my friends say they're too busy to hang out with me, what they really mean is that they're going to have an awesome pool party, and don't want me to come. The Instagram stories say it all. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1702

You deserved it

161

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By wishihadpockets - United States

Today, I had my cigs tucked into my waistband because my shorts didn't have pockets. A friend walks up and asks for a smoke. I say "I've got something you can smoke right here", tugging at my shorts. The "friend" then kicks me in the nuts for being a douche. FML

I agree, your life sucks

10224

You deserved it

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By So little trust. - Canada - Coaldale

Today, I walked in on my daughter hugging and sobbing into her Edward Cullen cut-out. She won't tell me what's wrong, yet she can confide in a creepy fictional stalker whose facial expression is locked to "chronically constipated". Where did I go wrong? FML

I agree, your life sucks

52352

You deserved it

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By nevasurprised - Germany

Today, I fell asleep in class. I'm the teacher; I've already given students detention for falling asleep in class this year. FML

I agree, your life sucks

8810

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By why? - United States

Today, I was supposed to light candles at my aunt's wedding. I accidentally lit the groom on fire. FML

I agree, your life sucks

32876

You deserved it

6404

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By Anonymous - Australia - Padstow

Today, my friend asked if she could come over to my place. Since it's my birthday tomorrow, I said sure. Turns out she just wants to copy all my notes for our upcoming exam. FML

I agree, your life sucks

43465

You deserved it

3874

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By Anonymous - 30/9/2020 07:25 - United States

Mean girls

Today, I watched our presidential candidates face off like high school girls with the whole world watching. FML

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1273

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262

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By thatsillegal - United States

Today, I found out that my assistant is now my manager. FML

I agree, your life sucks

31418

You deserved it

3067

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By ihatemyex - 23/5/2020 14:00

Who are you?

Today, a woman I’d never met came to my door asking if my kids were ready to go. Obviously I refused to send my kids with a stranger. Apparently she’s my ex's new girlfriend and "has his permission" to come get my kids. Now he’s threatening to take me to court for violating the visitation order. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1872

You deserved it

134

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By poorclubgoer - United States

Today, I decided to go to a club with my friends. I was flattered when an attractive guy started dancing with me. Later, I went to grab my money to pay for my dinner and realized while dancing, the very sneaky man pulled my forty dollars out of my pocket. FML

I agree, your life sucks

29600

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By niiiiiiiiiikki - United States

Today, I had to point out the "no shirt, no shoes, no service" sign at my work to an extremely old, seemingly intoxicated man wearing an ill fitting speedo. FML

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27436

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Top comments

By x_eyebrows | 0

#74171 - Wednesday 1 April 2009 5:04

If you're getting drunk with the intent of having sex with a person you've never met, you pretty much deserve whoever you wake up to the next morning. Beggars can't be choosers.

By MissMeanie | 5

#3727978 - Wednesday 14 December 2011 2:22

Buddies helping ugly buddies get laid. He was doing him a favor.

COMMENTS

By feelslikeanoose | 0

#435 - Saturday 7 February 2009 1:19

ahahahha! This is great. I feel ya sister hunny.

By jarofarts | 0

#31115 - Saturday 14 March 2009 10:21

hahahaha

By jsmith1199 | 0

#58982 - Thursday 26 March 2009 2:41

Haha.. this reminds me of all those times when whore slept with random people and died of AIDS HAHAHAH serves you right

stupid slut

By x_eyebrows | 0

#74171 - Wednesday 1 April 2009 5:04

If you're getting drunk with the intent of having sex with a person you've never met, you pretty much deserve whoever you wake up to the next morning. Beggars can't be choosers.

mariahrawks | 0

#990689 - Tuesday 11 May 2010 4:07

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

underaegis | 0

#1274494 - Friday 20 August 2010 8:21

she's right I mean as long as no one got pregnant it's a good thing right

rcbarnes | 24

#4090650 - Sunday 26 February 2012 7:22

Why assume it was alcohol?

By comadank | 0

#95345 - Thursday 9 April 2009 6:47

uuuuuummmmmmmmmmm im a guy and my beer goggles only get better the more i drink wtf lmao

By pariah411 | 0

#99652 - Friday 10 April 2009 19:40

Another battle won in the war against arrogant slutty bitches!!! Well done, sir.
As for the chick, I hope you get pregnant.

By Allan_is_Awesome | 0

#137162 - Thursday 23 April 2009 21:17

Aww, that suc ks, but is also hilarious

By nonstopsand | 0

#156587 - Thursday 30 April 2009 17:04

filthy filthy woman. hope you got crabs

By jsmith1199 | 0

#215867 - Thursday 21 May 2009 1:46

well if youre stupid and slutty enough to bring any guy home after only one night then youre stupid and slutty enough to not be able to tell the difference between one guy and another, as long as you get a dick in you.

By trooper14 | 0

#235232 - Wednesday 27 May 2009 5:13

obviously before the point you realised what a giant fucking slut you are you stupid bitch