Work: Today, while typing at my desk, I leaned back in my chair to...

By HighasaCloud - 10/12/2016 02:38

Today, while typing at my desk, I leaned back in my chair to stretch my arms. A spider dangling from the ceiling must have been watching me since it had perfect timing on its descent right into my open yawning mouth. FML

I agree, your life sucks 8 564

You deserved it 749

Work

Wakey wakey

All over

Thanks for the support

Technique

By shiznit - 25/10/2010 19:05 - United States

Today, I found out that the only way to get my boyfriend to last more than one minute in the sack is to let him watch cartoons while we do it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 539

You deserved it 4 270

By Ew?Really? - 04/08/2014 05:42 - United States - Montrose

Today, my husband was disgusted by me expressing breast milk while we were in the shower together. This is the same man who thinks it's funny to pee on my legs because, "It'll wash off." FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 010

You deserved it 4 970

Liquid fun

By Anonymous - 16/08/2020 05:04

Today, after 25 years, I quit drinking. It wasn’t worth it. My life and everyone around me still sucked. So I started up again. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 223

You deserved it 618

By sick - 30/09/2009 15:12 - United States

Today, I went to the coffee shop for my usual morning latte before class. When I got my drink, I asked again to make sure it was soy. The barista assured me it was. It wasn't. I'm ridiculously lactose intolerant and just spent six hours throwing up because she was too lazy to correct her mistake. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 367

You deserved it 3 851

By Anonymous - 29/04/2011 02:24 - United States

Today, I returned home after a three-week trip to Jamaica. When I opened the door to my room, I was greeted by a swarm of bees and their enormous nest, which was attached to my doorknob. Apparently, I'd forgotten to close the window properly before I left. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 485

You deserved it 18 470

By Anonymous - 12/07/2010 23:15 - United States

Today, my boyfriend looked at me and suggestively told me to take a shower. He's leaving for two days so I humored him, thinking he wanted to do it in the shower. I waited for 20 minutes before he knocked on the door, telling me he needed to shower as well. He just wanted me to take a shower. FML

I agree, your life sucks 19 687

You deserved it 29 571

By Anonymous - 25/07/2012 10:54 - United States - Murrieta

Today, I told my son to go clean his mess of a room. He yelled, "Dobby has no master! Dobby is a free elf!" and walked off. He turned 18 a week ago. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 499

You deserved it 13 801

By booty backfire - 01/05/2014 17:31 - United States

Today, I hurt my back, and now I have to lie on my stomach for twenty minutes every hour so I can ice the pain. My boyfriend won't stop using my ass as bongo drums every time. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 928

You deserved it 7 717

By erika - 28/07/2009 05:19 - United States

Today, I got a sunburn all over my stomach from a tanning bed. In an attempt to relieve the itching, I looked up natural treatments since we have no aloe. After trying yogurt, milk and mayo I found out that our water was shut off so the shower could be fixed. I now reek of mayo and milk. FML

I agree, your life sucks 15 822

You deserved it 46 856

By sparkrok - 06/03/2014 00:36 - United States - Puyallup

Today, at work, I was standing around, doing nothing. When my coworker pointed this out, I laughed and said, "It's okay, I'm training for a supervisor position!" Guess who was standing right behind me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 884

You deserved it 18 701

By pantsareathing - 13/06/2015 17:10 - Canada - Elliot Lake

Today, my dad has apparently decided that it's too much of a bother to put clothes on when he gets out of bed. He's been walking around in his tighty-whiteys for hours now. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 423

You deserved it 2 443

By erockinthesuburb - 11/04/2012 16:25 - United States - Algonquin

Today, I was stopped and searched by a cop, and he quickly found the bag of weed in my pocket. He didn't arrest or fine me, but he did confiscate my weed and told me to "get lost." Pretty sure I just got legally mugged. FML

I agree, your life sucks 16 889

You deserved it 41 831

By syle - 13/11/2008 06:51 - France

Today, my son forgot to log out of MSN. He had written, "When am I getting out of this place?" and his username was "mother fucker". FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 758

You deserved it 7 611

By Anonymous - 15/01/2010 12:53 - United States

Today, I found out that my anxiety disorder has escalated to where I now scratch and pick at my face while asleep. Now I get to sleep with oven mitts taped to my hands. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 712

You deserved it 3 096

By fatty milkshakes - 29/01/2013 22:56 - United States

Today, I found out that my roommate has been switching my protein powder with chocolate milk mix and brown sugar. Since I work out frequently, I've been consuming large amounts of this and have gained at least 10 pounds of fat. His reason? I turned his bookbag inside out. Once. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 089

You deserved it 9 152

By hinowdie - 01/12/2012 10:00 - United States

Today, my mom found her CD of cats and dogs singing Christmas songs. That is what I'll be listening to until Christmas. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 709

You deserved it 2 000

By tickyette - 14/09/2010 07:27 - United States

Today, a grasshopper jumped into my car. As my boyfriend swiped at it, the grasshopper jumped onto my chest and into my shirt. Instead of helping me get it out, my boyfriend leaned back and said, "It got to second base faster than I did." FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 177

You deserved it 10 327

By alo1434 - 23/06/2011 08:54 - United States

Today, I got mugged. As the guys who took my purse were about to walk away, my cellphone rang in my pocket. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 523

You deserved it 3 305

By Justme - 30/06/2016 18:20 - United States - Missoula

Today, while I was riding the bus to work, I noticed the guy sitting across from me had shorts on. He also had no underwear on and I could fully see his "parts" just hanging there. I decided to switch seats but as I stood up to move, the bus jerked. I fell face forward right into his "parts". FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 051

You deserved it 1 464

By DuChaillu - 27/01/2010 07:35 - United States

Today, my boyfriend decided to perform a strip tease for me. As he was stripping out of his clothes, he took his shirt and then pants off first. He was wearing zebra striped knee high socks and underwear. I burst out laughing. He left. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 111

You deserved it 27 725

By u.p.i.c. - 02/08/2019 22:00 - United States - Los Angeles

Today, the smell of my own fart made me feel hungry. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 121

You deserved it 534

Unimpressed

By kylie - 02/04/2021 17:01

Today, my doctor told me that I have severely and permanently injured my shoulder. Last week, I attempted to lift more weight than I normally do in an effort to impress my boyfriend. He was not impressed. In fact he said that most kids can lift more than that. FML

I agree, your life sucks 372

You deserved it 858

By marmarr - 15/05/2011 05:20 - United States

Today, I pretended to not be able to go out with a friend so I could hang with my boyfriend at the movies. When I sat down I received a text that said "turn around" it was her. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 490

You deserved it 70 702

By who wants spaghetti - 17/12/2015 03:42 - United States - Oconomowoc

Today, during a family dinner, I witnessed my younger brother casually slip his hand down the back of his pants, take it out, sniff each finger individually, before stirring his hand in his spaghetti and continue to eat normally. I was the only one who saw this. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 819

You deserved it 1 540

By need2eat - 15/06/2009 15:48 - United States

Today, I saw my parents for the first time in 11 weeks. They commented on how much weight I lost. I told how due to stress, I hadn't been able to eat anything for the past two weeks and I was basically unintentionally starving myself. They told me to keep it up. FML

I agree, your life sucks 54 775

You deserved it 5 571

By Anonymous - 25/10/2010 00:36 - Australia

Today, I found out my girlfriend only gets aroused after watching Jersey Shore and will only have sex immediately after an episode. I think the worst part is, I'll take what I can get. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 076

You deserved it 6 035

By Sadmom - 17/09/2009 23:58 - United States

Today, my 7 year old daughter decided to use my laptop without my permission. She accidentally got SpaghettiOs on the screen, then used the hard side of a sponge, filled with soapy water, to scrub both the keyboard and screen of my laptop to clean it off so Mommy wouldn't know. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 552

You deserved it 5 317

Shitty

By Anonymous - 15/11/2021 08:00

Today, I can only eat gluten-free food because gluten gives me diarrhea. I’m also vegan, so I bought some vegan cheese and salami to have a mess-free sandwich on the bus. As it turns out, vegan salami consists of 6% gluten. FML

I agree, your life sucks 523

You deserved it 889

By happybirthday2me - 19/06/2019 19:00 - United Kingdom - Bristol

Today, it's my 25th birthday, I celebrated it by cooking my favourite meal for my parents and sister, while they watched TV and house-hunted for my sister. I have yet to hear a happy birthday, receive a card, a present or a phone call. Oh, and my parents are on a diet, so they complained my cooking wasn’t "on their plan." FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 063

You deserved it 158

By sadface - 04/01/2010 06:43 - Australia

Today, I pulled a hamstring by taking a dump. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 423

You deserved it 7 399

By Anonymous - 16/05/2019 16:02

Today, I got married to the love of my life, with whom I've been with for 5 years. It's also one of the 3 times a year where he's got so drunk that, instead of puking in the bed like last time, he puked all over the side of my car while I was driving us home. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 510

You deserved it 332

By Anonymous - 02/12/2011 17:06 - United States

Today, my mom bought me pepper spray in case anyone tried to "mess" with me. I put it in my purse. Later, a guy snatched my purse before I even had the chance to take out the pepper spray. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 070

You deserved it 4 137

By BigMouth McRedface - 14/05/2010 02:11 - United States

Today, I was rushing to leave work and get home because I really had to use the bathroom. My cell phone rang and I thought it was my husband, so I answered by saying, "I really have to poop." Yep, not my husband. It was one of my employees, who has the same name. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 796

You deserved it 33 857

By Anonymous - 04/04/2009 04:34 - United States

Today, I went to the doctor because my arm hurt. When he told me I had tennis elbow I said "that's funny I don't play tennis". Then he asked me if I had a girlfriend. When I said no he said "Well I guess we solved this one." FML

I agree, your life sucks 78 664

You deserved it 20 836

By thecarisfine - 14/03/2015 04:27 - Australia - Brisbane

Today, while on a date, I desperately let out a stealth fart in my date's car. I didn't have the nerve to own up to it, even as he started panicking and thinking the smell was coming from his engine. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 841

You deserved it 8 304

By Human fly - 21/04/2013 06:20 - Canada - Maple Ridge

Today, I put up one of those hanging fly catchers in my room due to the unsettling amount of flies in the house. I remarked how stupid flies were to land on them. Within an hour, I got up and walked straight into it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 079

You deserved it 46 401

By gottacatchemall - 08/01/2014 05:43 - United States

Today, I tried to lose my virginity to my boyfriend of a year. We're almost twenty. In the end, we both chickened out and played Pokémon instead. FML

I agree, your life sucks 66 717

You deserved it 28 928

By Anonymous - 25/03/2012 12:09 - Australia - Croydon

Today, I was babysitting this 12 year old. We were watching a movie, and he was being an angel just laying with his head in my lap. He fell asleep so I closed my eyes and had a little nap. When I woke up he had taken my shirt off and was feeling up my boobs. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 638

You deserved it 14 521

By Donezoo - 08/01/2009 02:28 - United States

Today, my car was broken into. They broke the passenger side window and took my radio system. But they didn't take the remote for it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 20 603

You deserved it 2 318

By oooooopss - 01/04/2012 06:44 - United States - Portland

Today, I got into my car and it wouldn't start. I noticed I had left the lights on and assumed the battery was dead. Then, I couldn't get my key out of the ignition. So, I called AAA only to have the guy put my car in park and start the engine. FML

I agree, your life sucks 7 844

You deserved it 29 420

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Top comments

Dat_Class_Tho 26

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Wednesday 14 December 2016 5:41

When Listerine inroduced a cinnamon flavored mouth wash, I thought, "Why the hell would anyone in their right mind want to set their mouth on fire?..." But now I get it.

liinkinparkfan97 34

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Wednesday 14 December 2016 5:14

How unlucky! I thought it was kind of a force of habit to cover your mouth when you yawn though? Maybe that's just me. But seriously, sorry OP. At least you'll know to cover your mouth in the future!

DaDezza244 31

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Wednesday 14 December 2016 5:04

That's unfortunate, try covering your mouth next time.

cacheson 41

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Wednesday 14 December 2016 5:04

Al the Spider's descent into the Cave of Wonders ended most disastrously...

Qandol 26

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Wednesday 14 December 2016 5:13

bon appetit OP.

cats4lyfe 25

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Wednesday 14 December 2016 7:31

Bone app the teeth.

Lalala579121 27

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Wednesday 14 December 2016 10:15

Would you like a do-over on that, 19?

cats4lyfe 25

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Wednesday 14 December 2016 10:38

I think you missed the joke, 22.

liinkinparkfan97 34

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Wednesday 14 December 2016 5:14

How unlucky! I thought it was kind of a force of habit to cover your mouth when you yawn though? Maybe that's just me. But seriously, sorry OP. At least you'll know to cover your mouth in the future!

Ultimate_Batman 28

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Wednesday 14 December 2016 5:36

You comment everywhere

akelly727 0

Wednesday 14 December 2016 5:52

And you read the comments everywhere. Ironic don't you think?

Varieus 30

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Wednesday 14 December 2016 7:35

#4 I think it depends on the person, I personally don't cover my mouth when I yawn when I am by myself but in public or just near other people I will cover my mouth to be respectful or whatnot.

False_Stupidity 41

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Wednesday 14 December 2016 22:31

They were stretching their arms, it's a little hard to cover a yawn while doing that.

Ultimate_Batman 28

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Thursday 15 December 2016 20:12

yeah

_parth 20

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Wednesday 14 December 2016 5:22

Burn it down!

Dat_Class_Tho 26

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Wednesday 14 December 2016 5:41

When Listerine inroduced a cinnamon flavored mouth wash, I thought, "Why the hell would anyone in their right mind want to set their mouth on fire?..." But now I get it.

ApplePie1994 27

Send a private message

Wednesday 14 December 2016 9:30

But Listerine is already hot enough! Why would you add cinnamon to it!

akelly727 0

Wednesday 14 December 2016 5:47

It's only a FML if you punched yourself in the face trying to kill it. If not I think it's a YDI for yawning that damn long without your mouth covered. Even if it wasn't that long and it was some freak timing coincidence it probably could of been avoided.. how? By covering your mouth from the beginning. Just my opinion, but maybe I'm just too old fashioned :)

Arashikage 18

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Wednesday 14 December 2016 7:02

Most idiotic thing I've ever heard

False_Stupidity 41

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Wednesday 14 December 2016 22:33

The yawn was just secondary. They had leaned back to stretch their arms which makes it a little harder to cover their mouth.

species4872 19

Wednesday 14 December 2016 5:47

Tell the spider to leg it.

Tripartita 44

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Wednesday 14 December 2016 5:52

Dude, I know it sucks at first, but it'll pay off once your reflexes dramatically improve and you get to banter with Tony Stark.

RichardPencil 30

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Wednesday 14 December 2016 6:02

Suicidal spider just wanted to go out in a blaze of glory! No munching on an insecticide-killed fly to end it all, no, sir! He's gonna go out and fuck up a human at the same time.