Intimacy: Today, while I was fooling around with my girlfriend, she hurt... - FML

By Anonymous - 18/01/2014 22:55 - United States - Somerset

Spicy

Today, while I was fooling around with my girlfriend, she hurt her hand. It obviously wasn't very serious, so I told her to stop faking it. She responded, "Wanna know what I actually fake? My orgasms." FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 594

You deserved it 64 251

Triage

Broke

Sounds like a keeper

By burning balls of fuck this - 25/02/2013 22:30 - United States - Oakton

Today, I locked my keys in my truck. The good news is that I have a spare set in my house. The bad news is that my house key is on the same keyring as my locked-in truck key. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 603

You deserved it 9 702

By Anonymous - 29/12/2015 14:15

Today, I found out my wife has been taking "love thy neighbour" very literally with the bloke next door. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 373

You deserved it 1 512

By ripped - 07/09/2016 14:57 - United States - Philadelphia

Today, my cat used my head as a springboard and ripped my earring out with her claw. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 766

You deserved it 1 352

By Darth Spasticus - 14/11/2015 09:12 - United States - Flower Mound

Today, my boyfriend was diagnosed with a UTI. He thought men can only get UTIs by "catching" them from a woman, so he blamed me for it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 600

You deserved it 1 750

By Adrian James - 09/07/2019 12:00

Today, I got into a fight with my roommate's girlfriend's best friend. A few hours later, they had me evicted. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 644

You deserved it 226

By LemmyIsWet - 17/12/2012 07:33 - United States

Today, I took a relaxing bath, but got the book I was reading slightly wet when getting out. I put it on top of the towel dryer after delicately shaking it. Five minutes later, I heard a splash; I went into the bathroom to find that my book had toppled into the toilet bowl. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 746

You deserved it 27 380

By a stupid jackass - 22/06/2012 01:28 - United States - New York

Today, I got lunch with a girl I really like. On the way, for some idiotic reason I decided it would be a good idea to show off by jumping up to high-five the red hand on a traffic sign. I ended up slipping and slamming full-force into the pole. I now have a bruise on my face. FML

I agree, your life sucks 7 906

You deserved it 37 367

By FullCircleProblem - 27/01/2016 06:04 - United States - Round Rock

Today, my girlfriend came home and spontaneously wanted to have sex for the first time in about a year. I'm a recovering alcoholic, and had just came from an AA meeting. She reeked of alcohol, I couldn't get hard because of it and she got pissed at me. She says she won't be spontaneous again. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 895

You deserved it 2 342

By CrappyLuck - 04/08/2011 02:43 - United States

Today, I took my 8 month-old to the Urgent Care due to extreme constipation. I spent $25 for my son to poop on me the second the doctor had me remove his diaper. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 760

You deserved it 4 237

By Username - 02/08/2011 07:55 - United States

Today, it was a warm day out so I left my car windows slightly open while I was at work. One of the local bums apparently thought this was a perfect opportunity to use my open driver's side window as a barf receptacle. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 258

You deserved it 9 659

By Anonymous - 01/09/2013 04:40 - Canada - Saint Albert

Today, after I explained to my waitress that I have an allergy to butter, she nonetheless put some on my baked potato. When I had her get me another, without butter, she came back with one and then asked if I would like butter with it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 49 776

You deserved it 3 530

By Calimero - 26/04/2019 02:00

Today, I forked over a hefty sum to stay the night in a beautiful, luxurious hotel room, because back home I have a baby that doesn't sleep through the night yet. Never would I have imagined I would be staying directly next to the town nightclub. I'm still awake. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 637

You deserved it 1 164

By LostSoul - 19/07/2019 14:02

Today, I was at a store. I asked if I needed a key for their bathroom, and they said the door was open. I have to walk past them to go in and out of the bathroom. Thirty seconds later, they used the key and walked in on me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 658

You deserved it 91

By laurlaur - 05/08/2011 21:47 - United States

Today, my dad nearly had a head-on collision with another car, but I grabbed the wheel at the last second, potentially saving both our lives. He spent the rest of the car trip pissed at me because I'd "interfered" with his driving. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 984

You deserved it 2 900

Great first impression

By Anonymous - 05/11/2020 10:57

Today, I finally spoke to a counsellor about my depression. As soon as the session started, I became so anxious that I could barely speak. Once the Zoom call was finished, I got the distinct impression that she thought I was mentally disabled. FML

I agree, your life sucks 715

You deserved it 103

Right Said Fred

By Anonymous - 05/09/2019 22:02

Spicy

Today, I jokingly told my boyfriend that he should sing the "I'm too sexy for my shirt, so sexy it hurts…" song before we had sex. Now, every time we have sex, that song is going to be in my head. FML

I agree, your life sucks 672

You deserved it 1 848

By VoodooPriestess - 04/07/2019 04:00

Today, my boyfriend told me the reason he dated me was because he was lonely, and I looked lonely enough to like him. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 650

You deserved it 143

Marriage going well is it?

By Long sufferer - 21/02/2021 02:01

Today, at 5:30 a.m., my wife woke me to order milk for our business because she forgot to do so last night. She then chewed me out for doing it there and then, waking her up. I'm apparently useless, always complaining and in a bad mood about the most mundane things. What? FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 035

You deserved it 86

By FlyingFist - 04/12/2012 00:38 - United States

Today, I got a call from my boyfriend saying I needed to come home immediately. When I got there, he informed me that the reason I needed to rush home from work was because he wiped a booger on the wall and it was in the shape of a penis. He said it's a sign, like when people see Jesus in toast. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 059

You deserved it 3 433

By Anonymous - 04/08/2013 16:45 - Barbados - Bridgetown

Today, my husband and I arrived in Barbados on vacation. We visited a club, and they had a selection of drinks with weird names. My husband ordered one called the Raging Bitch, flicked his finger towards me, and said to the barkeeper, "Might as well get something I'm used to." FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 790

You deserved it 11 257

Early meeting

By mycariswrecked - 20/01/2020 20:00 - United States - Tinley Park

Today, I was going to meet up with my boyfriend's mother to watch his swim meet with her. On my way to the high school, I got in a car accident. The person driving the other car was his mother. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 224

You deserved it 185

By Anonymous - 30/04/2014 14:52 - Canada - Calgary

Today, I decided to face one of my fears. I've never had a birthday party, out of fear that nobody would come. I sent out a mass text inviting people out for my birthday, trying to sound casual. The only replies I received were along the lines of "Who the hell's this?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 556

You deserved it 4 671

By sad - 17/06/2016 22:37 - United States - Belleville

Today, I found a new way to tell if my girlfriend is on her period. If she responds to "Want me to get you anything while I'm at the store?" by screaming "God just fuck off, you cunt!" then bursting into tears, the answer is a definite yes. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 950

You deserved it 1 382

By SlowPacker - 09/03/2016 07:07 - United States - Minneapolis

Today, my family informed me that we were going on a 10 hour road trip to my cousin's wedding. They only decided to tell me 45 minutes before we left for said road trip. FML

I agree, your life sucks 19 704

You deserved it 1 448

By Anonymous - 22/10/2011 01:33 - United States

Today, I introduced my new boyfriend to my parents. Everyone knows he's into the emo scene, but this didn't stop my dad from slowly looking him up and down, then saying, completely deadpan, "You never told us you were a lesbian, honey." FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 057

You deserved it 37 412

By ouchiee - 07/04/2011 04:17 - United States

Today, I sprained my sternum in my rugby match. I now can't yell, laugh, cough, inhale or exhale fully, or sneeze without a sharp pain shooting through my chest. I have a pollen allergy, and sneeze every 5 or 10 minutes. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 496

You deserved it 4 136

By "Lifefail887" - 04/07/2017 18:30

Today, after buying a new pair of prescription glasses, I went to the beach. The ocean now has a new pair of glasses. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 866

You deserved it 2 330

By Rowan Curry - 15/09/2012 15:37 - United States - San Jose

Today, I got mad at my parents and threatened to run away. Things got so bad that I packed a bag and left, planning to hide in my front yard to teach them a lesson. It's been two hours, and I'm still standing behind a bush in front of my house while they make no effort to look for me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 642

You deserved it 49 144

By Anonymous - 06/02/2011 19:38 - United States

Spicy

Today, I found out that my mom screams like a dying monkey while having sex. Even with my music turned up all the way, I can still hear her through our paper thin walls. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 952

You deserved it 3 509

Shedding

By Anonymous - 30/11/2020 13:58

Today, I found out, after having my third and last child, that I'm balding. I'm only 23 and quite frankly It's very much noticeable. How did I find out? My four-year-old daughter pointed it out to me, saying, "Mommy, why you shed like the dog?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 873

You deserved it 187

By embarrassed - 19/12/2014 19:24 - United States

Today, I went to the dry-cleaner's and went to get my bag of laundry from my trunk, but I ended up dropping the bag. My dirty underwear blew around the parking lot. I had to chase it all down as a bunch of people looked on. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 494

You deserved it 3 893

By NotALady - 15/12/2016 22:20

Today, I was at a gas station when I got a bad stomach ache. I clenched my cheeks together and rushed to the nearest bathroom. Twenty minutes and a clogged toilet later, I exited the one-person bathroom to a line of very angry women. I had run into the wrong restroom. One of them threw a tampon at me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 8 343

You deserved it 1 614

By Username - 09/05/2011 17:23 - China

Today, I made a cup of tea at work. Whilst talking to a work mate I took a sip of the tea which I had forgotten was boiling hot and laughed at the same time, causing it to come out of my nose. I have blistered my whole mouth and even burnt my nostrils. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 128

You deserved it 10 510

By Anonymous - 04/07/2015 08:55 - United States - Hood River

Today, one of my friends asked me to flirt with her boyfriend to see if he would flirt back. Knowing this was a trust test, I agreed. She got pissed at me when he flirted back and still isn't speaking to me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 908

You deserved it 5 207

Mesmerized

By Embarrassing - 26/06/2021 13:59 - Canada

Today, I was hypnotized and talked into telling everyone truths about myself at a show my family and I went to. I don't know what I said. All I know is that my family laughs whenever I'm near them. They won't tell me what happened. FML

I agree, your life sucks 864

You deserved it 168

By sunshine19217 - 18/01/2011 23:07 - United States

Today, I took the time to make myself look nice just so that the pizza guy would think I had a life. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 462

You deserved it 8 661

By twingirl - 14/08/2009 21:57 - United States

Today, my grandma went to get birthday gifts for my twin sister and me. She returned with 2 shirts that read "I see you've met the twins" in big letters across the chest. She gave them to us and said, "Isn't this cute? 'cause you're twins!" I then had to explain to her what the shirt was actually referring to. FML

I agree, your life sucks 51 706

You deserved it 4 137

By blah - 19/01/2016 20:53 - United States - Frisco

Today, I found out my father didn't have a rare brain disease, and that he was just an alcoholic. I've been taking care of him every time his "brain disease" acts up, for 2 years. FML

I agree, your life sucks 20 506

You deserved it 3 491

By sickday - 02/12/2018 17:30

Today, I took my first holiday from work in over 6 months as it was my birthday. Today was also the day I woke up and vomited violently for 10 straight hours as a result of food poisoning. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 871

You deserved it 244

By ferret702 - 05/02/2016 12:04 - United States - Las Vegas

Today, in the current company I'm employed by, I have a better chance at gambling my way to the top, as opposed to working my way up. FML

I agree, your life sucks 19 090

You deserved it 1 791

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Sunday 19 January 2014 10:17

Sounds like she was crying about it because she's gonna need that hand later to finish

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Sunday 19 January 2014 10:20

OP you're kind of an asshole. Just because it doesn't look bad to you doesn't mean she isn't hurting.

Comments

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Sunday 19 January 2014 10:16

Zing!

Sunday 19 January 2014 10:22

Such a waste of a first comment... Just like OP's penis apparently...

JulianaBlackburn 19

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Sunday 19 January 2014 10:42

#8- Such a waste of a first reply to the first comment

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Sunday 19 January 2014 14:09

Not only that, how was #8's comment supposed to make sense? Never heard of a penis being a waste unless it's on a guy who wants a sex change.

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Sunday 19 January 2014 14:41

Perhaps its not the tool but instead the vessel itself thats the problem

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Sunday 19 January 2014 17:59

I don't see the point in lying about having an orgasm when you could communicate with your partner about what you like and don't like and hopefully have a real one.

israelnotjacob 20

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Sunday 19 January 2014 18:06

Agreed. My fiancée couldn't reach orgasm during sex for a long time but never lied to me about it so I kept trying instead of thinking everything was good. Now I can give her 3 or more almost every time because we found our rhythm. I'm glad she let me know even though so we could make it work.

ironmany_fml 23

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Wednesday 22 January 2014 20:56

Or maybe she just started lying about it so as not to make you feel bad about it.

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Sunday 19 January 2014 10:17

Sounds like she was crying about it because she's gonna need that hand later to finish

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Sunday 19 January 2014 10:45

Remember to apply aloe gel to burns, OP.

FracturedMinds 21

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Sunday 19 January 2014 19:37

Apply lotion to the burn instead, I have a feeling he isn't getting any for a while so might as well knock out two birds with one stone.

incoherentrmblr 21

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Monday 20 January 2014 10:53

Yes, lotion w/ aloe, not KY Fire & Ice...

pnutzmckracken 3

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Sunday 19 January 2014 10:17

At least she was being honest.

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Sunday 19 January 2014 16:28

Except for the part where she faked her orgasms and essentially lied about them which is, you know, not very honest.

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Monday 20 January 2014 14:42

Not a problem I have myself (considerate & talented lover, yay!) but I understand sometimes no matter how hard a guy tries sometimes a girl just can't... And she doesn't want them to feel unaccomplished. Even though honesty is the best policy, I've never had to fake them. So I hope I'm making sense, but I could understand it being a women's fault not being able to finish, not just a dud partner. Situational.

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Sunday 19 January 2014 10:18

Could Have Been more empathetic, instead of pathetic.

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Sunday 19 January 2014 10:20

OP you're kind of an asshole. Just because it doesn't look bad to you doesn't mean she isn't hurting.

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Sunday 19 January 2014 22:06

Kinda like just cause she is screaming and moaning doesn't mean she is getting satisfied

xXxJaGsTeRxXx 11

Sunday 19 January 2014 10:20

Next time fake yours too!

Althaltefolie 13

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Sunday 19 January 2014 10:49

Your name fits the nonsense in your comment perfectly.

arandomusernameaa 20

Sunday 19 January 2014 10:50

How can a guy fake an orgasm? silly billy...

applebramble 22

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Sunday 19 January 2014 11:27

Yeah considering it's quite evident

raininginseattle 9

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Sunday 19 January 2014 14:26

You can fake it with a condom on if you get rid of the evidence right away.

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Sunday 19 January 2014 18:59

But you can't fake a limp dick, sorry to break it to you.

apu_nahasapeemap 10

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Sunday 19 January 2014 19:21

Guys, maybe 6 was referring to Kramer in Seinfeld! He said he faked it when he'd seen enough and just wanted to go to sleep.

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Sunday 19 January 2014 19:34

a guy can fake an orgasm just as easily as any woman especially if the woman is very unobservant

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Sunday 19 January 2014 19:54

#20, you're one to talk.

bubblyhayley 16

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Sunday 19 January 2014 20:14

guys can definitely fake it...

illinoiscentral 16

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Sunday 19 January 2014 10:22

Someone you supposedly love is hurt; you judge it is not severe and therefore your response is.... "stop faking it". Wow. You should be a kindergarten teacher or something.

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Sunday 19 January 2014 10:23

You were kind of asking for it.

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Sunday 19 January 2014 14:10

Then shut the hell up and click thumbs up

FracturedMinds 21

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Sunday 19 January 2014 19:39

41, this is FML. Using logic here is like telling people to stop with the shitty situation jokes.

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Sunday 19 January 2014 19:56

#41, then why don't you shut the hell up and thumbs down?

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Sunday 19 January 2014 10:30

time to hit a pharmacy. get her some icy hot and aleve for her hand, and a good burn cream for you

SillyGirl4602 23

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Sunday 19 January 2014 10:31

That was pretty insensitive of you op. Also, if she actually communicated with you during sex and told you what she liked then she wouldn't have to fake it.

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Monday 20 January 2014 5:45

Seeing as she told him she was in pain and he ignored her, I'm not sure communicating with him during sex would have had much of an effect.

Nearly

Today, my maid sat me down to tell me that she doesn’t like it when me and my partner fight. We don’t like each other anymore and I keep trying to break up with him, but he won’t let me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28

You deserved it 17

Today, I was diagnosed with anorexia. My mother still keeps on calling me a fat fuck. FML

I agree, your life sucks 90

You deserved it 7

Spicy

Spicy

Today, I'm on day 11 of having COVID. My husband said to me, "I hope you get better soon so we can finally have sex again." Thanks for being concerned about MY health and wellbeing. FML

I agree, your life sucks 402

You deserved it 82

Today, I realized why my boyfriend drove me to his “favorite” hospital about one agonizing hour away while I was in labor. His friend who's a nurse worked there. Or should I say, his side chick. He made out with her in the room while I was “sleeping” after giving birth to our first child. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 153

You deserved it 87