Today, I had some soup that my dad made. I took one sip and found... - FML

By Autocorrected - 26/11/2012 20:13 - Philippines - Makati

Today, I had some soup that my dad made. I took one sip and found he had put tons of hot sauce in it. I rushed to drink from a soda can sitting on the counter, only to find that my mom had used it as an ash tray the night before. I can still taste the hot sauce, and the ash. FML

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By Anonymous - 25/12/2011 20:38 - United Kingdom

Today, I attended my extended family's Christmas dinner. All throughout, my grandmother kept complaining about how the food tasted like crap, and making sexual remarks such as how "the stuffings were far better in my day, if you know what I mean." FML

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By Anonymous - 19/11/2010 03:04 - United States

Today, I'm at work as a security guard. At a morgue. Why am I here? FML

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By Yazzy - 13/2/2009 09:57 - United States

Today, I found out that my parents can see a screen-by-screen of everything I say and do on my computer. FML

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By Me - 27/9/2015 09:53 - Australia

Today, I tried taking a shortcut through a nature trail, hoping to save myself some time getting back to my car. I ended up getting lost for nearly 3 hours and getting to work nearly 2 hours late. FML

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By Anonymous - 4/10/2009 01:03 - United States

Today, my fiancé was performing oral on me, when I heard him start making a "Waka waka waka waka" noise. He confessed to pretending to be Pacman. FML

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By IvyBlackeyes - 29/8/2018 01:30

Today, I sprained my ankle at dance class. No, I was not dancing when I did it. I was trying to step off on a small mat so I could go home. FML

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By Anonymous - 3/12/2011 02:02 - United Kingdom

Today, at a nightclub, a cute girl started hitting on me. I got into it and we danced. Just as she started getting frisky with me, a guy shoved me off, smacked me to the floor with a right-hook, and shouted, "That's what you get for touching my woman." FML

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By Anonymous - 7/7/2020 23:02

Don't you know that you're toxic?

Today, I found out my girlfriend talks to around 18 other men for fun. She says she loves me more, but I told her to prove it, so I took her phone and deleted the social media accounts that she made just for these men. Now I'm a "toxic controlling monster" because I don't let her chat with random men. FML

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By Anonymous - 11/3/2010 05:04 - United States

Today, I was applying some acne ointment. The directions said, "Apply a thin layer, covering the entire affected area." In other words, for me: My entire face. Lovely. FML

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By Anonymous - 22/9/2010 07:47 - Venezuela

Today, my boyfriend broke up with me by spray-painting it on my locker. FML

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By Barista - 5/7/2009 05:21 - United States

Today, at work, a woman came up to the counter and asked if we made sweet and sour chicken. Before I could answer, she told me a really long recipe and said "I expect to see this on the menu next time I come in, or I will complain to the manager about your lousy work ethic". I work at Starbucks. FML

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By THATgirl - 26/1/2018 15:00

Today, our wedding venue canceled on us, leaving us 8 months to find another in peak foliage season. My parents contacted the local news over the ordeal, but they're using my name and picture to make me look like a whiny brat who didn’t get her way. FML

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By Anonymous - 13/8/2018 18:30

Today, I was in school when a guy grabbed my breast, so I swore at him and shoved him away. I got detention and he walked away unpunished. FML

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By rawkdinosawr - 9/5/2009 15:48 - United Kingdom

Today, I had a massive argument with my boyfriend in which he called me stupid repeatedly. I stomped out of his house and sent a very angry text to my best friend about him. She didn't text back. Then my boyfriend texted. 'My girlfriend is so stupid she can't even text the right number.' FML

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By nomorecleaning - 16/3/2013 12:17 - United States - Augusta

Today, I discovered that the reason my mom hasn't been noticing the extra cleaning I've done lately is because her boyfriend took credit when she asked about it; and was rewarded for it in bed. I helped him get with my mom. FML

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By keerta_fml - 4/5/2017 02:00

Today, while volunteering to feed the homeless, one of them asked me to follow him to his car where he had a knife and bottle so he could "bottle up my blood". FML

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By :,< - 17/9/2012 17:16 - United States

Today, I took my daughter to a pony ride at the fair. I paid to have her picture taken, and when we got home, I emailed it to my mom. She replied, disgustedly pointing out that the pretty little pony was displaying a pretty little penis. FML

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By dwhitehouse - 21/1/2011 21:50 - United States

Today, I went out to my car only to find my battery had died the night before. With the wind chill, it was -20°F outside. With the hood open, and jumper cables in one hand, I tried to flag down a passing motorist for help. A man in a truck slowed down, sarcastically waved at me, and kept driving. FML

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By tingleballs - 28/4/2016 14:57 - Australia - Brisbane

Today, I put some of my wife's eucalyptus oil in my bath to make it relaxing. I soon found out the amount I used was about 100 times more than you're supposed to use. It took an hour of burning agony to find out the only way to get even a hint of relief was to cover my nuts in yoghurt. FML

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By ........................... - 25/7/2013 16:17 - Mexico - Mexico

Today, I helped my buddy write a sweet love letter to his girlfriend. After reading it, she dumped him for being an "Edward Cullen wannabe", and when my girlfriend found out, she dumped me for "cheating" on her by writing the letter in the first place. FML

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By pk24 - 25/2/2009 23:46 - United States

Today, I decided to try and call into a local radio station to try and win concert tickets for one of my favorite bands. I called in and was actually the winning number. When asked my name I answered quickly, but all I heard was "Hello? Hello?" Then they hung up. My cell phone was on mute. FML

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By CassieMarieee - 10/12/2011 06:28 - United States

Today, I had to jump into my car while it was still moving. Apparently, just because you put it in park and turn it off, doesn't mean it won't take off towards a ditch without warning. FML

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By Anonymous - 11/10/2013 11:45 - United States - Monroe

Today, after sending in my passport application for a trip to Paris, I got a letter from the state department saying despite them having my original birth certificate, I don't exist. Upon calling them, I was told that it only proves I'm a citizen, not that I exist. I pay taxes and have a mortgage. FML

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By Smash_Mouth - 8/3/2009 05:36 - United States

Today, I was driving down the road when I got to a red light. I looked over and saw a hot chick in a convertible so I spoke to my window thinking she couldn't hear me "Hey girl, I may have a tiny dick but I make up for it in speed and stamina." She looked over. I forgot about the sunroof. FML

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By bakingwomannnnnnnn - 20/11/2013 07:59 - United States - Redding

Today, I was cussed out by a customer who was unhappy, and he asked to speak with my manager. When I told him I owned the store, he said that that was the problem. Apparently women are "too flaky" to run a bakery properly. FML

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By Anonymous - 29/4/2016 23:22 - United States - Houston

Today, I met my birth father for the first time. The first thing he told me was that if I ever get arrested, I should give him a call so his guys on the inside can look after me. I don't think there's going to be a second meeting. FML

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By Anonymous - 14/4/2012 02:06 - France

Today, after several years of having her help me out by doing household chores, I bought my fifteen-year-old daughter a new pair of jeans. Her reaction was to squeal, "Master has presented Dobby with clothes. Dobby is free!" FML

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By phonesnshit - 29/5/2010 04:04 - Canada

Today, I was expecting a very important work call. Today was also the day I got insuppressible diarrhea. As I was running to the washroom, the phone rang. I didn't make it to the washroom or the phone. FML

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By Anonymous - 31/5/2016 15:30 - Canada - Saint John

Today, I fell down the stairs while holding some dirty glasses from my room. I ended up pulling pieces of glass from my body. Meanwhile all my mom cares about is the fact that I broke three of her favorite glasses. FML

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By Anonymous - 18/2/2014 19:49 - Virgin Islands, U.S. - Kingshill

Today, while getting intimate with my boyfriend, he started sucking on my breast. He ended up popping a pimple on it into his mouth. He threw up and that, as they say, was the end of that. FML

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By rplovez - 5/9/2011 23:14 - Canada

Today, my boyfriend broke up with me by covering my car with post-it notes that read "it's you not me." FML

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By Etown - 12/8/2018 06:00 - United States - Evansville

Today, a friend texted me to get a ticket and go to the theme park with her tomorrow. I bought a ticket and didn't hear from her until 5 hrs later to say she was sorry, but she doesn't think she'll be going. It was $65 and non refundable. FML

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By Anonymous - 18/6/2014 19:06 - United States - Lake Wales

Today, we had a guy come into the hospital with a carrot stuck deep in his anus. I've heard all kinds of ridiculous cover stories, but his took the cake; he claimed the phone rang while he was showering and he slipped onto a box of vegetables. Guess who had to extract the carrot. FML

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By Anonymous - 8/9/2009 19:02 - United States

Today, as I was walking through the park I had to yawn. In mid-yawn, with my mouth wide open, I walked right through a spider web getting both the spider and the prey it was eating stuck in my mouth. FML

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By Dave - 27/9/2012 15:46 - United Kingdom

Today, I was on a plane returning to University, and I decided to shut my eyes. I opened them about 45 minutes later just as the plane landed to find I couldn't move at all. I was in sleep paralysis. The air hostesses had to lift me out of my seat. FML

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By Stingraybeemonster - 7/4/2016 08:51 - Thailand

Today, I was snorkeling when a stingray suddenly appeared when I thought I was just looking at sand. It startled me, so my heel made contact with a sea urchin so that then startled me, and my other foot hit another one. FML

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By Crombinator - 1/5/2015 05:30 - United States - Estacada

Today, my roommate was making a waterproof iPhone case and decided to use my phone to test it out. It didn't work. FML

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By Cass - 29/3/2012 02:03 - Australia

Today, I got the feeling that my phone smelt of cigarettes and B.O. I smelt it, realised that it was my hands that smelt, then got confused and thought maybe it was my nose piercing that smelt. I then realised my psychology class was watching me trying to smell my own nose. FML

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By hcfan - 14/4/2009 11:18 - Australia

Today, a customer came in to the Pizza store where I work and complained that the food they had purchased had a strand of black hair in it. After some deliberation, my boss decided to fire me. He is the only staff member there with black hair. I shaved my hair 2 weeks ago. FML

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By wo-ow - 6/6/2014 23:09 - United States - Bronx

Today, I fell down the stairs and broke my leg. My dad helped me to the car so he could drive me to the hospital, but when he saw our neighbor, he went over and had a 15 minute screaming match with him over how his dog keeps shitting on our lawn, all while I sat in the car in agony. FML

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Top comments

By liv_graham | 7

#5188192 - Monday 26 November 2012 22:52

Fuck your life indeed. It's really your parents fault though. I'm suggesting for Christmas buy your mother an ash tray, and your father sensible seasonings.

By FizzyApple | 3

#5188216 - Monday 26 November 2012 22:54

One time I drank my step-dad's chewing tobacco spit from a soda bottle. I feel your pain.

COMMENTS

By NzaHaFML | 13

#5188180 - Monday 26 November 2012 22:50

Next time, try asking your dad what type of soup he's making to avoid this.

Reply

isitinmybedroom | 11

#5188188 - Monday 26 November 2012 22:52

That just sounds like a dirty joke

Reply

MrSassypants | 32

#5188197 - Monday 26 November 2012 22:52

I disagree. If all people thought that we would have less porn.

Reply

kyleekay | 25

#5188287 - Monday 26 November 2012 23:10

1- I think it's less about what type of soup he's making, and more about the type (and quantity) of seasoning that he's using.

Reply

thenamestaco171 | 2

#5195872 - Wednesday 28 November 2012 23:00

In my household it is extremely rude to ask what you are having to eat. It shows that you have something you do not want to eat, and therefore waste good food.

Reply

ToxicTyrael | 26

#6219512 - Monday 2 March 2015 23:12

#100 where are you from?

By liv_graham | 7

#5188192 - Monday 26 November 2012 22:52

Fuck your life indeed. It's really your parents fault though. I'm suggesting for Christmas buy your mother an ash tray, and your father sensible seasonings.

Reply

BradyT918 | 9

#5188802 - Tuesday 27 November 2012 1:21

The ash tray is a good choice. But you can never have to much hot sauce. Never

Reply

fmfreakinlife | 3

#5189369 - Tuesday 27 November 2012 4:53

It will put hair on their chest. Life happens.

Reply

pokefan813 | 16

#5190020 - Tuesday 27 November 2012 7:39

69 - you say that now, but when you are on the toilet, your thoughts will be different.

Reply

Meettitan | 14

#5190354 - Tuesday 27 November 2012 9:48

Fuck that; fill their stockings with coal, and don't come out of your room on Christmas.

Reply

liv_graham | 7

#5190619 - Tuesday 27 November 2012 12:39

Do you know how much coal is worth now? If OP wanted to be cruel, they could just give them lint.

By Mrjangleybits | 1

#5188201 - Monday 26 November 2012 22:52

You have am awesome family

Reply

louiserosen | 4

#5188250 - Monday 26 November 2012 22:57

No.

Reply

OhAidan | 7

#5188475 - Monday 26 November 2012 23:55

How does this even make OP's family awesome?

Reply

Acik91 | 26

#5188512 - Tuesday 27 November 2012 0:07

Well, it could have been an attempt at sarcasm, I guess?

Reply

Rosie_Posie43 | 12

#5188561 - Tuesday 27 November 2012 0:24

If my family made my life seem like a home alone skit... Well hell yeah they'd be pretty awesome

By anythingmustbe | 18

#5188204 - Monday 26 November 2012 22:53

I guess you were in the soup.
But never mind rise from the ashes of defeat and prank your dad back.

Reply

Nightwing98 | 22

#5188378 - Monday 26 November 2012 23:36

These puns get dumber every time a new FML comes out.

Reply

MrClean17 | 15

#5188510 - Tuesday 27 November 2012 0:06

"I guess you were in the soup."

This has to be the worst pun I've seen in a while on this site.

Reply

Axipiter | 24

#5188564 - Tuesday 27 November 2012 0:24

The idea is that it's supposed to seem at least somewhat natural, and not like you were trying wayyy too hard. Failure.

Reply

cristy91 | 33

#5189200 - Tuesday 27 November 2012 3:19

51, I'd be careful saying that, someone might take it as a challenge

Reply

onlychildFTW | 33

#5190410 - Tuesday 27 November 2012 10:12

Yes, because OP was in soup.

Reply

AllyyK | 9

#5190474 - Tuesday 27 November 2012 11:01

#6 ' You were in the soup' Well, atleast you can say you tried. You should probably leave the 'funny' comments and puns to the people who are actually.. Funny?

By Harpy20 | 24

#5188213 - Monday 26 November 2012 22:53

Between that and bugs, cans are always bad news after being left unattended. I would've skipped the can and hit the sink. FYL.

Reply

sirpantselot | 22

#5188664 - Tuesday 27 November 2012 0:56

Also soda is just the worst after spicy food. Mouth burn!!

Reply

the_smart_way | 10

#5188708 - Tuesday 27 November 2012 1:03

What did the sink ever do to you?

Reply

PinkieKeen | 20

#5189939 - Tuesday 27 November 2012 6:44

Soda just shakes the hotness around.
Jamaican food.
;-;.

By FizzyApple | 3

#5188216 - Monday 26 November 2012 22:54

One time I drank my step-dad's chewing tobacco spit from a soda bottle. I feel your pain.

Reply

iOceanus | 18

#5188332 - Monday 26 November 2012 23:23

That's...so disgusting...

By chriswright1888 | 10

#5188218 - Monday 26 November 2012 22:54

Your dad sounds like an idiot. You should plot revenge

Reply

kyleekay | 25

#5188295 - Monday 26 November 2012 23:11

He's an idiot for using too much hot sauce? He probably put in an amount that he finds enjoyable, and OP just didn't have a high enough tolerance for it... not exactly an "idiot" moment.

Reply

CharresBarkrey | 15

#5188419 - Monday 26 November 2012 23:45

No, OP's probably just a pussy with spicy foods.

By VaanBasch | 1

#5188222 - Monday 26 November 2012 22:54

YDI for going for a soda can that you didn't even open yourself.

Reply

Alliente | 9

#5188473 - Monday 26 November 2012 23:55

Oh Yeah, He's so in the wrong for trying to put out the flames in his mouth with the nearest open drink that happened to be filled with ash. Lets poor hot sauce down your throat and see how well you fare.

Reply

LairaIsKindaCool | 6

#5188519 - Tuesday 27 November 2012 0:10

It was in OPs own house.. I doubt it'd be roofied.

By T9FTW | 20

#5188224 - Monday 26 November 2012 22:54

shoenice?

Reply

T9FTW | 20

#5190862 - Tuesday 27 November 2012 15:16

Does no one know that I'm referencing shoenice22, the YouTube? Sheesh, those thumb downs are harsh!

By kyleekay | 25

#5188225 - Monday 26 November 2012 22:54

I don't think that's what the hot sauce company had envisioned when they created the "smokey" flavored hot sauce.

Reply

tsent8 | 15

#5188408 - Monday 26 November 2012 23:42

Oh you