Today, while I was going down on my girlfriend, she fell asleep.... - FML

By Anonymous - United States

Today, while I was going down on my girlfriend, she fell asleep. She said she was too tired to fake it. FML

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Great speech, thanks!

Billy no-mates

Workaholic

By DC - United States - Sioux City

Today, I narrowly avoided a head-on collision in the parking garage. The other driver cussed me out. It's a one-way route through the parking garage, and I was going the right way. FML

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By TriedToHelp

Today, I was volunteering at an Indian hospital through a Canadian volunteer agency after paying $3000. It was my first day, but I got deported for having an incorrect visa. I had a tourist visa when I was supposed to have a "miscellaneous" visa. I got deported for volunteering. FML

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By ouch - United States - Las Vegas

Today, my wheelchair was delivered. My brother and I were messing around with it when he rolled over my already injured foot. At least surgery is next week. FML

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By Sherry - United States - Middletown

Today, my brother had a party with over 60 people in my basement. It turns out that five different couples had sex under the same comforter. The comforter was mine. FML

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By bern5555 - United States

Today, I was working with the kid I babysit for. We were out and he complained that he was hungry. I spent my very last $2 on chicken nuggets for him and a coffee for myself. Just as I sat down, he knocked over my coffee, spilling it into his chicken nuggets. Then he cried for over an hour. FML

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By adalia - United Kingdom

Today, I was telling my dad about plans to go out late for a few drinks next week. My dad started his usual "YOU COULD GET RAPED!" lecture, before my brother sprang to my defence, "It's not like she's what they're after, is she?" Apparently, rapists are out of my league. FML

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By PrincessOhNo - United States - Bronx

Today, I dyed my hair back to pastel pink, which it hasn't been in over a year. It goes well with my skin and I was super excited about it so I decided to Snapchat my friend about it. Her response? "You were thinner last time your hair looked like that." FML

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By ijustwantpizza - Australia - Brisbane

Today, I was having a cheat meal after 2 weeks of strict dieting. When I opened the pizza box, I saw a cockroach. It'd been baked into the cheese. FML

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By "bluebird97"

Today, my boyfriend called work because he is sick. Then he called me 4 times while I was working, to complain that I was working, and then he got mad when I told him I was sick and worked a double shift 2 days in a row, apparently that is insensitive of me. FML

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By tj85 - United States

Today, I received a letter in the mail. The letter was from a woman who explained to me every single detail of a three month affair she had with my husband. She included pictures. FML

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By pissedchick

Today, I found out my boyfriend cheated on me. We're in the middle of nowhere and have a 4-hour drive home. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada - Victoria

Today, my mom left for a bachelorette party. She forgot a gift, so she called me and made me go into her closet, pick out a sex toy from the "box of gag gifts", and bring it to her. Should I pick anal beads or a cock ring? FML

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By Devildrake - Australia

Today, I went into work early so I could get my work all done and leave on time, rather than staying back. The later shift starters had other ideas and called in sick. FML

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By duncanisgey - Canada

Today, I rushed my dog to the vet because he was foaming at the mouth. I returned home with a bill for $200 and a dog who apparently has a thing for marshmallows. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, it's my birthday. I don't mind crappy gifts, but I have to wonder why the hell my boyfriend bought me a home enema kit. FML

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By OTZ - France

Today, I went on a date with the hottest guy I've ever met. He is also rich and successful, and would probably be perfect for me, if only he could stop bragging about it. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, for the first time all month I felt truly proud and accomplished. I finally figured out how to change the toilet seat. FML

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By Anonymous - 29/7/2020 08:00

Reading comprehension

Today, one of my clients called me, saying that he received my email. When I asked what I could do for him, he replied, “Well, what does the email say?” FML

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By KeepOnTruckin' - 7/5/2020 05:00

OK doomer

Today, it's been 3 weeks since I, a 17-year-old, have been working 50 hours a week at a grocery store trying to keep our shelves stocked during coronavirus panic-buying. It was also the day a customer informed me that, "All you teenagers are lazy and that's why the shelves are empty." FML

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By snow

Today, I woke up with a massive hangover after passing out at a wild party the night before. Apparently my friends couldn't find a marker, because I woke up with dozens of dicks drawn on my body and face in henna. I have a job interview today. FML

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By Puppysit88 - United States

Today, I was petsitting for my neighbor's new puppy. A huge thunderstorm came, and the puppy started whining and shivering violently. I pulled it into my lap to try and comfort it. One loud clap of thunder later, and the puppy had explosive diarrhea all over me. FML

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By lakb

Today, I missed work because I was at the hospital getting treated for accidentally inhaling chlorine gas. I didn't realize that using Comet Industrial Strength Cleanser to scrub out a cat litter pan could be so hazardous. FML

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By TheKingDavis - United States

Today, after dealing with tons of drama and working a 14 hour shift, I took a shower. When I stepped out, a weak spot in the floor gave way. While falling through the floor I grabbed the toilet tank lid, which fell into the tank and broke it. Now my leg hurts and the bathroom's flooded. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Clifton

Today, I locked my keys in my car. Good thing I went to Lowe's to make spares, which are also now locked in the car. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I searched myself on Facebook. I have a fan page made by some girl in Wisconsin. She has pictures of me on it. Can you say stalker? FML

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By Anonymous - 11/7/2020 23:06

Dangling modifier

Today, I took my dog out for his walk, only to find out that I had an extra bra hanging vertically out of my pants. Thankfully, the only person who saw me was the maintenance guy, who looked very confused, so I just smiled at him. I had no idea why, I only realized when the wind blew it against my leg and I saw my shadow. FML

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By OPforonepiece - Netherlands - Delft

Today, I was talking to a customer and I actually fell asleep for a couple of seconds. I can honestly say she wouldn't stop talking and didn't even notice me snoring. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada - Saint John

Today, after ignoring my concerns and declaring that "safety equipment's for pussies", my husband went rock climbing for the first time. He only sprained his ankle, but is acting like it's broken. He's now playing video games in bed and pissing in a bucket because walking is "too painful". FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Akron

Today, I woke up and screamed: My older sister had placed a Furby right by my face while I was asleep. This is a common occurrence. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, at some point, and for some reason I'll probably never fully understand, it seemed like a good idea to get completely shitfaced on tequila and try to shave my ballsack with a straight razor. I'm not sure if these wounds will ever heal. FML

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By annonymous - United States

Today, while at a neighborhood party, my drunk mother told all our neighbors, including a girl I like, about my struggles with a micropenis. FML

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By MoxyR12 - United States

Today, I was texting this guy that I really liked. Things were going pretty well. I got a call from his number and excitedly answered it. It was his girlfriend asking if he was bothering me because he likes to text random people when he's drunk. FML

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By Polmkk - United States

Today, I was walking along a crowded pier when I stopped to read a sign next to an oddly placed bush. Not even two seconds later, a man popped out of the bush and made me wet myself. People were filming it. FML

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By Tray

Con Artist Kitty

Today, I had just finished making myself an ice cream cone when my cat puked all over the floor. I set my cone on the counter while I cleaned up, and when I finished, my cat was licking it. FML

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By blizzard_of_77 - United States

Today, I was flirting via text with a coworker. Things started getting heated, and I wanted to send her a sexy picture. I asked if she had any suggestions. She said, "Your nuts!" She meant, "YOU'RE nuts." I sent her a photo of my junk. I offended a co-worker with incriminating evidence. FML

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By BFFN - United Kingdom - Glasgow

BFF

Today, my best friend told me she no longer wants an "active friendship" with me. She says she doesn't have time to see me, since she has a boyfriend and a bunch of friends she's spent years bitching to me about. We've gone from a 14-year friendship to awkwardly nodding at each other in the street. FML

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By JackSoda - 26/3/2020 17:01

Dad Jokes, part 36646

Today, my dad brought the double barrel shotgun to my room, gave me his hat and said, "It's all about survival now. At any cost, Coral." He keeps calling me Coral. FML

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By anon - United States - Georgetown

Today, my work department set a new sales record, something not done in nearly 30 years. It's corporate policy to give a bonus to each worker responsible as a reward. Our manager decided our "bonuses" would be plastic medals from Dollar Tree. He didn't even buy enough for everybody. FML

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By sugar baby24

Today, my boyfriend and my sugar daddy found about each other. FML

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By sigh - United States

Today, my boyfriend got upset after I politely asked him to do the laundry. He takes every chance he gets to act macho and brag to people about how he's in the Marines, but apparently he is too much of a pussy to act like a man and clean his own clothes. FML

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Top comments

By mrahhhhh | 19

#1490813 - Sunday 3 October 2010 10:00

Next time she gives you a long boring conversation, fall asleep.

When she wakes you up, say you're too tired to fake being interested.

Then ask for a sammich.

By RiiOT09 | 9

#1490679 - Sunday 3 October 2010 9:29

at least she was honest, but that's messed up

COMMENTS

By RiiOT09 | 9

#1490679 - Sunday 3 October 2010 9:29

at least she was honest, but that's messed up

Reply

sammehsaurus | 0

#1490700 - Sunday 3 October 2010 9:33

Seriously haha. That's so brutally honest.

Reply

Stupified | 0

#1490722 - Sunday 3 October 2010 9:39

Ydi. My cat could do a better job than you. I couldn't, but my cat eats his blanket out for 2 hours every day, I bet that experience could come in handy... 

Reply

Toiga | 0

#1491079 - Sunday 3 October 2010 11:46

I agree 12 your distgusting. No wonder cats run when they see people, it's because of weirds freaks like you.

OP you shoulda did the shocker it woulda kept her awake ;) lol

Reply

EffinAhole | 0

#1491343 - Sunday 3 October 2010 13:21

12 win! Where is annoying little Missgrinch when u need her!

Reply

aaaahh | 0

#1492555 - Sunday 3 October 2010 19:21

wtf

Reply

starile | 19

#1497599 - Monday 4 October 2010 17:42

This became a sick little beastiality thread...

Reply

CrazyDutch | 0

#2430044 - Friday 29 April 2011 19:27

she wasn't honest before.. she's a stupid bitch

By chicanangelgirl | 0

#1490681 - Sunday 3 October 2010 9:29

oh wow.... sorry op....

Reply

TheAICore | 0

#1490821 - Sunday 3 October 2010 10:02

Well at least he respected his girlfriends tiredness and didn't continue. :). right?

By angelo8320 | 0

#1490688 - Sunday 3 October 2010 9:31

small tongue?

Reply

bailes_o_hay | 0

#1490740 - Sunday 3 October 2010 9:41

I don't think it's the size that matters when it comes to tongues haha

Reply

xgetxbentx | 13

#1491241 - Sunday 3 October 2010 12:32

tongue size really doesn't matter....at all.

Reply

byakkobayliss | 2

#1494523 - Monday 4 October 2010 3:27

if you're using it in a way where size would matter, you're using it wrong

Reply

idkwhat2sayfyl | 4

#3380617 - Monday 3 October 2011 5:23

Please explain this to me

By angelo8320 | 0

#1490690 - Sunday 3 October 2010 9:31

small tongue?

Reply

PizzaGuy11 | 0

#1495485 - Monday 4 October 2010 8:20

the tounge twister...
dont forget it...

Reply

AceArctic | 4

#1821368 - Friday 10 December 2010 2:23

American Pie FTW.

By 04VWR32 | 6

#1490692 - Sunday 3 October 2010 9:32

maybe try an ice cube next time?

Reply

hahaalolz | 0

#1491564 - Sunday 3 October 2010 14:52

that would, er... tickle...

Reply

sawkiol | 0

#2750513 - Friday 24 June 2011 17:57

No, no, no. What you do is you keep a marble in your mouth. Then u slip it in

By HighStakes | 0

#1490696 - Sunday 3 October 2010 9:33

6th!!!

Reply

FirstBornUnicorn | 0

#1490731 - Sunday 3 October 2010 9:40

High Five

Reply

HighStakes | 0

#1490745 - Sunday 3 October 2010 9:43

High Six

Reply

FirstBornUnicorn | 0

#1490831 - Sunday 3 October 2010 10:07

O dang. That's hardcore.

Reply

TheIrishJaneDoe | 8

#1492859 - Sunday 3 October 2010 20:34

6: Your pic makes me mentally add "Hee-yahh!" at the end of each of your comments.

Reply

PizzaGuy11 | 0

#1495490 - Monday 4 October 2010 8:23

SUCCESS!!!

By Storm121693 | 0

#1490711 - Sunday 3 October 2010 9:38

i feel kinda sorry for you.

By Storm121693 | 0

#1490712 - Sunday 3 October 2010 9:38

i feel kinda sorry for you.

By Storm121693 | 0

#1490714 - Sunday 3 October 2010 9:38

i feel kinda sorry for you.

Reply

brennboo | 3

#1490756 - Sunday 3 October 2010 9:45

what's up with all the repeated comments?

Reply

Arsonnist | 3

#1490769 - Sunday 3 October 2010 9:47

That's embarrassing.

Reply

EffinAhole | 0

#1491349 - Sunday 3 October 2010 13:22

Storm! WE GET IT!

Reply

HighStakes | 0

#1494334 - Monday 4 October 2010 2:55

Ignorance, Shutthefuckup. Please.

By christian50 | 0

#1490716 - Sunday 3 October 2010 9:38

hmm... try drawing the alphabet with your toungue?

Reply

04VWR32 | 6

#1490771 - Sunday 3 October 2010 9:47

find the clit