Intimacy: Today, while I was going down on my girlfriend, she fell asleep.... - FML

By Anonymous - United States

Today, while I was going down on my girlfriend, she fell asleep. She said she was too tired to fake it. FML

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Dementia or hate? You decide

Trans women are women

Life is unfair…

By Username - United States

Today, while waiting for a doctors appointment, my husband started playing angry birds. Continually losing the game ended up raising his blood pressure to the point where he now has to have his medication changed. The new medication is $100 copay. FML

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By that girl has a beard - Canada

Today, I went to the movies. A really cute girl sat beside me. I tried to strike up a conversation with her until she turned to look at me and I realized he was a guy. I couldn't even finish the movie because I felt his judging eyes burn holes into me the entire time. FML

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By 205 - United States

Today, after getting my car completely fixed after it being damaged for a year, I was driving and the entire side panel on the car fell off. The repair man forgot to put the screws back in. FML

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By Lovergirl - United States

Today, I was snuggled in bed with my husband. He thought because my butt was twitching that I was trying to be frisky. So he slapped my ass hard in attempt to get something going. I was actually trying to hold in a huge fart because last night I had diarrhea. Apparently I still have it. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I caught a cab to take me to a hospital appointment. The driver turned around and told me I was in the Cash Cab. I got really excited and screamed. That is, until she laughed and said, "Just kidding. I always wanted to do that to someone." FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I went to an audition for a play. The casting director thanked me for my time, but told me they would pass because I had "the emotional range of a turnip." FML

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By Dom

Today, I proposed to the girl I have known for a while, since our Dads have worked together for 40 years. After I rang my Dad to tell him the good news, he told me that there was a position open at work, which had belonged to her Dad. My Dad had to fire him. FML

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By horny and alone

Today, I went home with my cute coworker. What started out as a little dirty talk and teasing ended with him admitting he was in a terrible emotional place and sending me home in an Uber so he could sleep. FML

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By me - United States

Today, while driving, I slowed down and made sure I safely went by a pedestrian, and in the process rear-ended the car in front of me. FML

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By Humaned - Cura?ao - Willemstad

Today, my school is making us take care of eggs for a teen pregnancy awareness project. Ever since we got the eggs, I've had nightmares, and people question why I don't want kids. FML

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By Anonymous

Hey Scratchy!

Today, I got a mosquito bite under each armpit. FML

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By Username - United States

Today, I was walking to the store when I ran into one of my friends. He said he heard about my bike being stolen the day before, and that whoever took it was a heartless dick. I hadn't told anyone about the theft. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Mount Laurel

Today, I realized why I never hear my voice echoing when I sing to my boyfriend on Skype; he just mutes me. FML

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By bestbirthdayever - United States

Today, I was at my sixteenth birthday party. My guests consisted of my grandma who I live with, and my 2-year-old cousin she was babysitting. FML

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By Obviously works everywhere

The customer is always a dong

Today, a customer filed a formal complaint with corporate about me, because I wouldn't help her find things she wanted while I was off the clock. We were in a completely different store than the one where I actually work. FML

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By ouchmynose - United States

Today, I kneeled down to tie my shoe and sneezed, nailing my face off of my knee and breaking my nose. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, I canceled my dental check-up because I'm getting busy at work. Then, as I was flossing, my finger slipped, I heard a "crunch" from one of my fillings, and I now have a killer toothache. It's costing me double to go to the dentist because it's now an emergency call. FML

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By bob the builder - United States - Ridgeland

Today, I'm at work on a construction site for a high rise building, on the 12th floor today. I've developed a severe case of the runs, causing me to need to rush to the nearest toilet periodically. Luckily for me it's conveniently located on the ground floor. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Columbus

Today, I went to a new doctor. While filling out charts she looked up and said, "I'm assuming you are single." FML

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By anonymous - United States - San Francisco

Today, I just got back from a two week vacation. I live with six people and only the dog was happy to see me. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, I came home and saw my roommate had taken out the garbage for the first time in the three years we have lived in the same house. Unfortunately, the bag of laundry I had by the door was taken out with it as well. FML

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By Shouldaknown - United States

Today, I decided to watch a movie I hadn't seen before to bring my spirits up, as I've been feeling down lately. How did the movie end? Everybody died. FML

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By InDeepBlue

Today, I took the bus home from work for the first time in my life. It was pretty crowded, so I immediately sat in an empty seat. Then, I felt something wet. It was puke. A lot of it, in fact. FML

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By KBL3 - United States

Today, my boyfriend started talking to my breasts in public. As if that wasn't bad enough, he then started to jiggle them in his hands. FML

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By ThanksForTheWarningDad - United States - Wood River

Today, my dad didn't mention he had just aired up the tire on my van and that it might have a hole in it. It wasn't flat when I left the house but it sure as hell was when it exploded, not even a mile down the road. FML

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By Stairway2Heaven - Canada

Judgmental much!?

Today, I came home to find that my room had been ransacked. My mom comes out of nowhere and says that we need to have a talk. I freaked out thinking it was all the empty alcohol bottles under my bed. My mom holds up the birth control and says, "I always knew you were a whore." FML

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By stillembarrassed - United Kingdom

Today, the window cleaner did his rounds at my house. I sat at my mirror applying makeup and doing my hair. When he came to my window, he yelled rather loudly, "Stop putting on a show for me, you dirty slut!" FML

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By MicachuPikachu - United States - Independence

Today, to make it seem like the customers actually liked me, I told my coworkers I got tipped $12. Sadly, that "$12 tip" came from my own pocket. FML

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By DebtedToSociety - United States

Today, I was watching a TV show about people with shopping addictions. One girl was $15,000 in debt and I thought how horrible it would be to live with that. Then I realized that I'm in medical school and currently $135,000 in debt. At least they have something to show for their debt. FML

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By lon01t - United Kingdom - Falkirk

Today, my four-year-old daughter started screaming and lashing out at me as I was getting her ready for a bath. It seems my idiot husband told her she was still small enough to be feasted on by the "drain monster". FML

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By thesitter - United States

Today, while babysitting, I gave the boy a pen and paper because he wanted to draw me. When he was done, he let me see but then said, "Wait! I'm not done." He took it back and basically colored in the arms. I said, "I'm not wearing long-sleeves." He said, "That's hair." FML

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By caleighrossi - United States - Ottumwa

Leave it

Today, I was working my shift at our local nursing home. I was assisting a "sweet", "innocent" 100-year-old lady, and she had a bunch of used tissues balled up in her lap, so I offered to dispose of them in the waste-basket. She told me that if I touched them, she would kill everything I love. FML

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By Anonymous - 22/8/2020 23:10

Bit on the side

Today, I have been talking to someone for the past 9 months. He always said he could never give me a relationship. But he loves me. He finally told me it’s because he’s been with someone for 3 years and I’m basically the side chick he fell in love with. FML

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By Anonymous - 19/9/2020 17:02 - Germany - Aachen

This woman's work

Today, I looked at pictures of myself from 20 years ago when I was a teenager and realized I have only about a quarter of my hair left. I'm a woman. FML

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By AloneAtPerkins - 21/12/2020 23:04

Intense

Today, I was making out with my boyfriend and it started getting heated. I climbed on top of him and took his shirt off, but I guess my brain had a different idea. I ended up clinging to him for dear life because my brain decided that now was a good time for a seizure. Mood ruined. FML

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By ugly - Australia

Today, I was telling my best friend that I was feeling unattractive, and that I never get asked out. As she was trying to make me feel better, we were interrupted by a stranger trying to hit on her. FML

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By Anonymous - Nigeria - Lagos

Today, my demented asswipe of a lab partner thought it'd be funny to replace the birthday gift I bought for my girlfriend with the large intestine of a recently-dissected dog. My girlfriend nearly fainted when she opened the gift box, and accused me of planning the whole thing. FML

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By klanciee - United States - Valencia

Today, when I woke up, I noticed something crawling on my bed. A white faced wasp was dragging the corpse of a rather large spider. I'm not sure what I was more disturbed about; the fact that the wasp was dragging something twice its size, or that these bugs even live in my house. FML

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By fuck your indoctrination - 26/3/2021 09:01 - United States

Batshit

Today, my cousin died of a very treatable illness. She was pressured into herbal and holistic "faith healing" instead of seeking "poisonous western filth". Her husband, church and family all seem to think she made the right choice. I’ve been shunned for disagreeing. FML

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By VaveJessop - 5/5/2020 20:00

Torn

Today, my 19-year-old best friend decided she's going to elope with her 30-year-old, alcoholic boyfriend, who she's only been dating for 5 months. She wants me to go with her and be her maid of honor. She says she'll never speak to me again if I don't support her terrible decision. FML

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Top comments

By mrahhhhh | 21

#1490813 - Sunday 3 October 2010 10:00

Next time she gives you a long boring conversation, fall asleep.

When she wakes you up, say you're too tired to fake being interested.

Then ask for a sammich.

By RiiOT09 | 9

#1490679 - Sunday 3 October 2010 9:29

at least she was honest, but that's messed up

COMMENTS

By RiiOT09 | 9

#1490679 - Sunday 3 October 2010 9:29

at least she was honest, but that's messed up

Reply

sammehsaurus | 0

#1490700 - Sunday 3 October 2010 9:33

Seriously haha. That's so brutally honest.

Reply

Stupified | 0

#1490722 - Sunday 3 October 2010 9:39

Ydi. My cat could do a better job than you. I couldn't, but my cat eats his blanket out for 2 hours every day, I bet that experience could come in handy... 

Reply

Toiga | 0

#1491079 - Sunday 3 October 2010 11:46

I agree 12 your distgusting. No wonder cats run when they see people, it's because of weirds freaks like you.

OP you shoulda did the shocker it woulda kept her awake ;) lol

Reply

EffinAhole | 0

#1491343 - Sunday 3 October 2010 13:21

12 win! Where is annoying little Missgrinch when u need her!

Reply

aaaahh | 0

#1492555 - Sunday 3 October 2010 19:21

wtf

Reply

starile | 19

#1497599 - Monday 4 October 2010 17:42

This became a sick little beastiality thread...

Reply

CrazyDutch | 0

#2430044 - Friday 29 April 2011 19:27

she wasn't honest before.. she's a stupid bitch

By chicanangelgirl | 0

#1490681 - Sunday 3 October 2010 9:29

oh wow.... sorry op....

Reply

TheAICore | 0

#1490821 - Sunday 3 October 2010 10:02

Well at least he respected his girlfriends tiredness and didn't continue. :). right?

By angelo8320 | 0

#1490688 - Sunday 3 October 2010 9:31

small tongue?

Reply

bailes_o_hay | 0

#1490740 - Sunday 3 October 2010 9:41

I don't think it's the size that matters when it comes to tongues haha

Reply

xgetxbentx | 13

#1491241 - Sunday 3 October 2010 12:32

tongue size really doesn't matter....at all.

Reply

byakkobayliss | 2

#1494523 - Monday 4 October 2010 3:27

if you're using it in a way where size would matter, you're using it wrong

Reply

idkwhat2sayfyl | 4

#3380617 - Monday 3 October 2011 5:23

Please explain this to me

By angelo8320 | 0

#1490690 - Sunday 3 October 2010 9:31

small tongue?

Reply

PizzaGuy11 | 0

#1495485 - Monday 4 October 2010 8:20

the tounge twister...
dont forget it...

Reply

AceArctic | 4

#1821368 - Friday 10 December 2010 2:23

American Pie FTW.

By 04VWR32 | 6

#1490692 - Sunday 3 October 2010 9:32

maybe try an ice cube next time?

Reply

hahaalolz | 0

#1491564 - Sunday 3 October 2010 14:52

that would, er... tickle...

Reply

sawkiol | 0

#2750513 - Friday 24 June 2011 17:57

No, no, no. What you do is you keep a marble in your mouth. Then u slip it in

By HighStakes | 0

#1490696 - Sunday 3 October 2010 9:33

6th!!!

Reply

FirstBornUnicorn | 0

#1490731 - Sunday 3 October 2010 9:40

High Five

Reply

HighStakes | 0

#1490745 - Sunday 3 October 2010 9:43

High Six

Reply

FirstBornUnicorn | 0

#1490831 - Sunday 3 October 2010 10:07

O dang. That's hardcore.

Reply

TheIrishJaneDoe | 8

#1492859 - Sunday 3 October 2010 20:34

6: Your pic makes me mentally add "Hee-yahh!" at the end of each of your comments.

Reply

PizzaGuy11 | 0

#1495490 - Monday 4 October 2010 8:23

SUCCESS!!!

By Storm121693 | 0

#1490711 - Sunday 3 October 2010 9:38

i feel kinda sorry for you.

By Storm121693 | 0

#1490712 - Sunday 3 October 2010 9:38

i feel kinda sorry for you.

By Storm121693 | 0

#1490714 - Sunday 3 October 2010 9:38

i feel kinda sorry for you.

Reply

brennboo | 3

#1490756 - Sunday 3 October 2010 9:45

what's up with all the repeated comments?

Reply

Arsonnist | 3

#1490769 - Sunday 3 October 2010 9:47

That's embarrassing.

Reply

EffinAhole | 0

#1491349 - Sunday 3 October 2010 13:22

Storm! WE GET IT!

Reply

HighStakes | 0

#1494334 - Monday 4 October 2010 2:55

Ignorance, Shutthefuckup. Please.

By christian50 | 0

#1490716 - Sunday 3 October 2010 9:38

hmm... try drawing the alphabet with your toungue?

Reply

04VWR32 | 6

#1490771 - Sunday 3 October 2010 9:47

find the clit