Intimacy: Today, while I was going down on my girlfriend, she fell asleep.... - FML

By Anonymous - 03/10/2010 01:34 - United States

Spicy

Today, while I was going down on my girlfriend, she fell asleep. She said she was too tired to fake it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 401

You deserved it 9 519

Batman

Own it

Vulture

By RIP_Nose - 03/04/2014 21:48 - Germany - Aidenbach

Today, I was supervising a written exam, which took place in a really warm room. Half of the two hundred participants has probably never heard of deodorants. The other half used probably the whole can this morning. I had to stay in this inferno of stench for five hours. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 634

You deserved it 3 866

By Spec - 18/04/2009 18:09 - United States

Today, my blind friend bragged to a group of people that she knew all of us by smell. We all took turns standing in front of her, and she would tell us who we were. When I got in front of her, she thought I was my dog. FML

I agree, your life sucks 52 502

You deserved it 10 158

This is 100% accurate

By Theon - 21/05/2021 20:01 - United States - Syracuse

Today, I had a problem with my email verification in FML. I contacted support, and they were super helpful and fixed it. But I used my spam email, which automatically sends an immature message to anyone that contacts it. So instead of a, "Thank you", the nice staff member got a, "Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha. Go away cheese face." FML

I agree, your life sucks 238

You deserved it 1 140

By Anonymous - 10/01/2010 15:10 - Canada

Spicy

Today, I propositioned my boyfriend of two years to have sex with me in the shower to spice up our love life. He said that he was really busy. He was playing Call of Duty. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 859

You deserved it 6 021

By cereal stepper - 23/10/2016 09:42

Today, I got out of my bed and immediately stepped into a half-eaten bowl of cereal. FML

I agree, your life sucks 7 662

You deserved it 5 454

By this_is_fucked - 24/10/2009 21:23 - Zimbabwe

Spicy

Today, I realized that I'm the only person in my house not getting any. My sister is sleeping with my ex. My roommate is sleeping with my brother. And my mom texted me asking me to make it look like she slept in her bed so that she didn't have to do the "walk of shame" in the morning. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 164

You deserved it 2 865

Many such cases!

By Anonymous - 18/03/2021 02:00

Today, I found out that I can’t get my COVID vaccine due to my chance of going into anaphylactic shock. FML

I agree, your life sucks 875

You deserved it 90

By NotABeatenWoman - 09/11/2015 00:36 - United States - Charleston

Today, I found out everyone in my neighborhood thinks that I'm a beaten woman due to the reoccurring ambulances in front of my house at night. My kid just chokes on everything, and they don't believe me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 130

You deserved it 2 349

By praise the prenup - 03/10/2012 00:04 - United States - Delaware

Spicy

Today, I found out that the landscaper my wife hired on my behalf wasn't kidding when he said he was going to trim my wife's bush. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 748

You deserved it 3 018

By baconman86 - 03/10/2010 22:24 - United States

Today, I put my good shoes out the window and on the roof to dry out because they were sopping wet. When I went to check them later on, they were still wet. And soaked in bird poop. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 125

You deserved it 26 982

By Anonymous - 20/04/2009 01:40 - United States

Today, it was pouring rain outside, I had 2 textbooks in my hands. I took a shortcut, and instead of running around the small pole that directed the line at the cafe, I decided to jump over it. In front of a group of guys, my foot got caught and I face planted with my books flying everywhere. FML

I agree, your life sucks 16 346

You deserved it 47 781

By "PineappleOfMyEye" - 13/12/2018 12:30

I went to check my grade that was posted for an essay for my comp 1 class. I got a zero. I was devastated only to find out I never actually clicked the submit document button. My grade dropped 20 points.

I agree, your life sucks 1 934

You deserved it 2 427

By Teenagemum - 13/07/2019 20:30

Today, my father calculated that the only way we can afford to keep the house was if I get pregnant and claim child benefits. My family now won't speak to me because I refuse to do it. I'm 15 years old. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 037

You deserved it 95

By Demotivation - 23/08/2013 14:12 - Germany

Today, I learned that when a heavily-pregnant friend asks about my progress with the baby socks I promised to knit, it's rather unwise to tell her, "Not to worry, we're set even if it comes out with a few feet too many." She's still crying. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 910

You deserved it 12 610

OCD

By Anonymous - 23/01/2021 02:01 - Germany - Ebersbach

Today, the room I am renting from an old lady is stuffed with porcelain figures, etc. I carefully put them into the drawers to create some space for the books I need for college. While I was gone, she used her key and put all the porcelain figures back on the shelves. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 106

You deserved it 100

By ouch - 09/02/2011 18:02 - United States

Today, I was in class when all of a sudden I was hit in the head by a metal pencil case. My teacher threw it at me to get my attention. FML

I agree, your life sucks 19 690

You deserved it 35 428

By Badhairday - 11/06/2015 23:14 - Canada - Whitby

Today, I arrived at the salon to get my hair done for prom. The lady at the front desk insisted I didn't have an appointment. After looking back on my recent calls, it turned out I called the wrong number and whatever asshole was on the other line played along. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 694

You deserved it 4 105

Wrap it

By Anonymous - 09/07/2020 20:02

Spicy

Today, my boyfriend, who I have been seeing for a year, decided to tell me that he has herpes and has not taken any precautions to stop it from passing on. We have had unprotected sex quite a lot over the last year, so now I most likely have herpes too. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 145

You deserved it 475

By OnlyMe - 08/10/2009 15:29 - United States

Spicy

Today, I realized that I broke up with a man that loved me and was great in bed but was afraid of commitment, to be with a man that loves me, that is great in bed, and wants to be with me forever. So what's the problem? Now that we are committed, he won't get it on with me anymore. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 603

You deserved it 23 312

By CARAPPY LUCK - 27/09/2017 16:04

Today, the transmission on my brand new car went out. I bought it last month when the transmission on my old car went out. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 758

You deserved it 315

By Anonymous - 29/01/2012 19:10 - United States

Today, my girlfriend started a month-long period of not talking to me. One of her male friends, who is a self-styled astrologist, told her there are "bad omens" in our relationship for the coming weeks. I don't know if I should dump her for being gullible or just plain stupid. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 347

You deserved it 3 745

By tinydancer - 10/05/2012 18:10 - United States - Richmond

Today, I went to a party dressed as a zombie. Everyone admired my hilarious "zombie dancing". Those were my regular dance moves. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 161

You deserved it 5 207

By lollipopgreen - 01/10/2011 12:33 - United States

Today, I walked into a gas station to get a bag of chips. Upon moving towards the counter to pay, I noticed the cashier had what looked like a golf ball stuffed in his cheek. I said to him in a joking manner, "That's a huge pinch of dip!" His reply, "It's mouth cancer." FML

I agree, your life sucks 16 594

You deserved it 51 611

By askprussia - 27/11/2015 02:32 - United States - Pompano Beach

Today, my brother was playing one of those old street fighter games. He suddenly asked me what "K.O." meant. I told him it meant "Knocked Out," but he started getting mad at me because "'knocked' isn't spelled with a 'k'". He's 17. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 116

You deserved it 1 500

By Anonymous - 22/01/2010 05:02 - United States

Spicy

Today, I found my boyfriend making out with my mom. FML

I agree, your life sucks 73 749

You deserved it 4 778

By unsatisfied - 09/02/2010 03:33 - France

Spicy

Today, I lost my virginity. It took all of 30 seconds. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 350

You deserved it 5 327

By Anonymous - 10/07/2014 05:24 - United States - Stockton

Today, I found out the record label I was talking to was actually just my friends who have way too much time on their hands. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 028

You deserved it 5 666

By Brilliant... - 25/05/2011 17:44 - United Kingdom

Today, it was my birthday. Some 17 year olds will receive cars as presents from their parents. Mine, however, booked me a plot in the local graveyard. FML

I agree, your life sucks 50 491

You deserved it 5 295

By Anonymous - 14/08/2013 19:47 - United States

Today, a guest of the private beach club I work at asked if I could do something about the water temperature in the ocean. I laughed, thinking it was a joke. She was serious and complained to my boss, saying I was absolutely no help. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 614

You deserved it 2 973

By Brunette, small breasts - 24/07/2016 18:51 - Romania - Campina

Today, I decided to finally talk to my crush. I said "hello" to which he replied "first, dye your hair blonde and grow some boobs, then we can talk business." FML

I agree, your life sucks 18 958

You deserved it 1 394

By LOTRfail - 27/07/2012 02:13 - United States - Malden

Spicy

Today, my husband and I were watching Lord of the Rings. My husband told me he sees the eye of Sauron every time he goes down on me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 210

You deserved it 4 039

Family ties

By Milly - 29/03/2021 22:01 - United Kingdom

Today, I disconnected and hid the WiFi router and told my kids and husband I wanted an hour together doing family stuff. I failed miserably. Rather than spend an hour together, they spent nearly 2 hours separately tearing the house apart for the router. Now the house is a mess and I’m still lonely. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 147

You deserved it 501

Another great day to be alive

By Anonymous - 26/07/2021 21:59 - Germany

Today, I didn’t get much done because I woke up late and therefore didn’t have much time. No wait, that was yesterday. Today I didn’t get much done because I woke up EARLY and was miserably tired and good for nothing all day. FML

I agree, your life sucks 704

You deserved it 347

By Anonymous - 15/09/2010 23:34 - United States

Today, my girlfriend and I broke up. When I got home from work, I came home to glitter. EVERYWHERE. Guess who forgot to get the key to his apartment back from his ex-girlfriend. The guy who's having his family over for dinner tonight. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 391

You deserved it 13 036

Grown-ass man

By Anonymous - 22/11/2020 23:01 - United States - Southfield

Today, my mom got angry that I moved stuff in the freezer, and banned me from even opening it in future. I’m in my 30s, I fought in Iraq and Afghanistan, and now I've lost freezer privileges. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 079

You deserved it 174

By norestforthewicked - 19/04/2011 04:30

Today, my family and I discovered that my sleepwalking has escalated into sleep-raiding-the-fridge, after I woke up on my kitchen floor in a puddle of melted ice cream, surrounded by my parents, brother, and dogs. Apparently my recent dieting plans aren't going over too well with my subconscious. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 041

You deserved it 4 312

By secenteenmagazine. - 22/02/2009 06:34 - Canada

Today, I was happy because my exact shirt and sweater were in seventeen magazine. They were in the "what not to wear" category. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 157

You deserved it 13 392

By emix - 17/06/2009 22:08 - United States

Today, I was dropping my new boyfriend off at his house. I had never been there before, so he was giving me directions as I drove. We passed a small trailer home on the right. I commented without thinking, "I'm so glad I don't live in a house like that." My boyfriend told me to turn right. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 132

You deserved it 66 943

By notfunny - 09/04/2011 01:39 - United States

Today, I finally confessed my feelings to my long time crush. He was the only one I've been able to muster up the courage to open up to. He replied "lmao" and hasn't texted back since. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 753

You deserved it 6 692

By Anonymous - 30/04/2012 21:34 - United States

Today, I shot a paintball gun at a bees' nest. The bees flew through my neighbors' windows and, for lack of a better word, slaughtered them. An ambulance was called, and I feel like a total dick. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 487

You deserved it 62 675

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Sunday 3 October 2010 10:00

Next time she gives you a long boring conversation, fall asleep. When she wakes you up, say you're too tired to fake being interested. Then ask for a sammich.

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Sunday 3 October 2010 9:29

at least she was honest, but that's messed up

Comments

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Sunday 3 October 2010 9:29

at least she was honest, but that's messed up

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Sunday 3 October 2010 9:33

Seriously haha. That's so brutally honest.

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Sunday 3 October 2010 9:39

Ydi. My cat could do a better job than you. I couldn't, but my cat eats his blanket out for 2 hours every day, I bet that experience could come in handy... 

Toiga 0

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Sunday 3 October 2010 11:46

I agree 12 your distgusting. No wonder cats run when they see people, it's because of weirds freaks like you. OP you shoulda did the shocker it woulda kept her awake ;) lol

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Sunday 3 October 2010 13:21

12 win! Where is annoying little Missgrinch when u need her!

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Sunday 3 October 2010 19:21

wtf

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Monday 4 October 2010 17:42

This became a sick little beastiality thread...

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Friday 29 April 2011 19:27

she wasn't honest before.. she's a stupid bitch

chicanangelgirl 0

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Sunday 3 October 2010 9:29

oh wow.... sorry op....

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Sunday 3 October 2010 10:02

Well at least he respected his girlfriends tiredness and didn't continue. :). right?

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Sunday 3 October 2010 9:31

small tongue?

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Sunday 3 October 2010 9:41

I don't think it's the size that matters when it comes to tongues haha

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Sunday 3 October 2010 12:32

tongue size really doesn't matter....at all.

byakkobayliss 2

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Monday 4 October 2010 3:27

if you're using it in a way where size would matter, you're using it wrong

idkwhat2sayfyl 4

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Monday 3 October 2011 5:23

Please explain this to me

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Sunday 3 October 2010 9:31

small tongue?

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Monday 4 October 2010 8:20

the tounge twister... dont forget it...

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Friday 10 December 2010 2:23

American Pie FTW.

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Sunday 3 October 2010 9:32

maybe try an ice cube next time?

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Sunday 3 October 2010 14:52

that would, er... tickle...

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Friday 24 June 2011 17:57

No, no, no. What you do is you keep a marble in your mouth. Then u slip it in

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Sunday 3 October 2010 9:33

6th!!!

FirstBornUnicorn 0

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Sunday 3 October 2010 9:40

High Five

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Sunday 3 October 2010 9:43

High Six

FirstBornUnicorn 0

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Sunday 3 October 2010 10:07

O dang. That's hardcore.

TheIrishJaneDoe 8

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Sunday 3 October 2010 20:34

6: Your pic makes me mentally add "Hee-yahh!" at the end of each of your comments.

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Monday 4 October 2010 8:23

SUCCESS!!!

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Sunday 3 October 2010 9:38

i feel kinda sorry for you.

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Sunday 3 October 2010 9:38

i feel kinda sorry for you.

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Sunday 3 October 2010 9:38

i feel kinda sorry for you.

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Sunday 3 October 2010 9:45

what's up with all the repeated comments?

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Sunday 3 October 2010 9:47

That's embarrassing.

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Sunday 3 October 2010 13:22

Storm! WE GET IT!

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Monday 4 October 2010 2:55

Ignorance, Shutthefuckup. Please.

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Sunday 3 October 2010 9:38

hmm... try drawing the alphabet with your toungue?

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Sunday 3 October 2010 9:47

find the clit

Nearly

Today, I feel like I'm going crazy as I'm in a 2-year relationship with a guy who's 17 years older than me (I'm 23). He's a wonderful partner and I'm totally in love, but the age gap causes monthly, sometimes daily, shifts between wanting to have it all with him, and wanting to leave him. FML

I agree, your life sucks 7

You deserved it 47

Today, it has been 7 years of me submitting FML’s. I don’t know what worse, that I’ve submitted so many of that none have never been featured. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48

You deserved it 26

Spicy

Spicy

Today, I found out on Facebook that my mom and step-dad have an open marriage. To make matters worse, my step-dad shamed me for not being more sex positive. FML

I agree, your life sucks 486

You deserved it 128

Today, I found out why my husband faked being sick on Thanksgiving. He was invited to Thanksgiving dinner by to the coworker he’s seeing. She was planning to introduce him to her family. He never told her he was married, so knowing I would tag along if he came, he faked having a “fever” so he couldn’t go out. FML

I agree, your life sucks 814

You deserved it 44