Today, while I was going down on my girlfriend, she fell asleep.... - FML

By Anonymous - 3/10/2010 01:34 - United States

Today, while I was going down on my girlfriend, she fell asleep. She said she was too tired to fake it. FML

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Don't give up

Fairytale ending

Not a cheating!

By fungettingdressed - 12/10/2010 12:57 - United States

Today, while having sex with my boyfriend, my fingers got stuck between the wall and headboard. Screaming, he thought I was enjoying the sex and kept going even harder. I have 3 broken fingers. FML

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By sirenmario - 20/1/2011 00:52

Today, a patient at the hospital I work at had a tracheal tube and couldn't speak. I'm unable to read lips, but I'm pretty sure he was mouthing the words 'stupid bitch' every time I tried to stop him from pulling out his IV. FML

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By wtf did I do - 2/3/2012 21:15 - United States

Today, I went to help a friend move into her new apartment. We were half-way through when it started to rain, and in my anger I yelled that it's like these things happen just to annoy me. Then we heard the tornado sirens. FML

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By Annebelle - 14/5/2009 18:09 - United States

Today, I ordered a graduation cake from a woman at the grocery store. She asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I said "Congratulations Annie". Then she asked me who was ordering and I said "Annie". I had to order my own cake. The woman was silent. FML

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By stupid_airbag - 13/8/2012 08:06 - Australia

Today, the air bag system in my car somehow malfunctioned, and the air bag inflated while I was driving, causing me to lose control and crash into a street light. I ended up with a badly bruised face because the air bag had already deflated by then. FML

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By Anonymous - 15/2/2013 04:30 - United States

Today, I had to explain to my white girlfriend that dating me doesn't give her the right to call my mother the n-word. FML

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By someone72 - 22/3/2010 23:20 - United States

Today, I got excited when my phone vibrated cause I thought someone actually wanted to talk to me. When I grabbed my phone I realized my mind played a trick on me and I only thought it vibrated. I'm so lonely I subconsciously trick myself into thinking I have friends. FML

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By moreliketurdmart - 3/6/2013 16:48 - United States - Lynnwood

Today, at the supermarket, a guy started yelling at me for staring at his "woman." She frankly looked like someone had carved Mick Jagger's face into a turd. When I told him I have better things to do than ogle random women, he started harassing me for being "a queer." FML

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By ... - 20/1/2019 02:00

Today, I yelled, "Fuck me, oh shit!" instinctively after accidentally spilling boiling hot coffee all over myself. My 3-year-old niece found this hilarious, and won't stop saying "Fuck my shit." Her parents are due to pick her up any moment. FML

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By raaquel - 25/1/2011 06:10 - United States

Today, I found out my boyfriend of 5 years has been cheating on me with a Realtor. The same Realtor who helped me sell my condo so I could move in with my boyfriend. FML

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By lonelyinlondon - 21/8/2009 02:06 - Canada

Today, my boyfriend threw me a going-away party. During the party, I caught him in my bedroom hooking up with my friend because "you're leaving soon anyway so it doesn't matter." I'll only be gone for 6 weeks. FML

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By Daniel - 27/6/2010 07:43 - United States

Today, while going to lunch with my boss, he asked me to check and see if the other lane was clear. When I did, he swerved hard, making me smack my head into the door window. This is apparently his new favorite thing to do. FML

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By JoannaG25 - 17/8/2010 11:43 - Netherlands

Today, I was told that in order to be considered for more jobs, I should remove my college degree from my resume. FML

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By Stressed Mother - 18/3/2015 21:26 - United States - Piscataway

Today, after months of job hunting, I finally got a phone call. They were impressed with me. That's when my son decided to throw a tantrum asking for food. After some silence, the caller told me they were looking for someone who wasn't juggling little kids at home and hung up. My son is 20. FML

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By Anon - 30/3/2012 05:10 - New Zealand

Today, I was so excited to hear my phone get a message that I jumped out of my seat. It was the TV, advertising texting plans. FML

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By Anonymous - 2/6/2009 23:13 - United States

Today, I was working my job as a waitress near my college. I handed a customer her check, and she noticed that I had added her bill wrong. I apologized, and she pointed to my "student" labeled nametag, asking what I was studying. I said English. I'm a math major. FML

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By Anonymous - 1/5/2011 16:11 - United States

Today, my brother thought it would be hilarious to take a pair of scissors to all my bras. My mom can't take me shopping for another three days and I have no one to borrow a bra from. I have school. FML

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By gabxoxo03 - 10/6/2011 19:06 - United States

Today, I snuck up on my girlfriend to give her a kiss. Only after I planted a big one did I realize it was not my girlfriend, or even a girl for that matter. FML

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By mytoehurts - 26/6/2015 13:09 - Canada - Ayr

Today, I was at my lifeguarding exam. Everything was going well until I went to 'save' someone and slipped and bellyflopped into the pool. I broke my toe, and the person I was supposed to save ended up saving me instead. FML

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By Curly - 9/1/2013 00:26 - United States - Ashburn

Today, my wife has the flu, while I have strep throat. We have a two-year-old toddler and have no clue as to who's more contagious and who should take care of her as to not get her sick. Yay for the entire day of surgical masks and Sesame Street. FML

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By petty petty petty - 8/9/2017 16:00

Today, my mom yelled at me for fighting with my younger brother. Not because she wanted us to stop, but because my brother couldn't find a good comeback to my argument. FML

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By Anonymous - 5/12/2012 10:52 - Australia - Brisbane

Today, my pregnant girlfriend gave me back the ring I'd used to propose with a week ago. Her reason? She only said yes because she was worried the real father of the baby wasn't going to stick around. FML

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By Dannylover - 17/2/2009 20:53 - Netherlands

Today, I finally hooked up with a boy I really liked. We were lying in bed and my panties were already off when he asked me : "Would you also have sex with me if you weren't drunk?". I responded "Yes!" and asked him the same question, at which he responded : "No, probably not." FML

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By Epiphany - 19/7/2012 09:01 - United States

Today, I finally realized how depressed I am when I found bubble wrap and didn't feel like popping it. FML

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By ishyboo - 27/2/2016 22:59 - United States - Baraboo

Today, I let my estranged husband move back in with my son and me. Later, his pregnant and underage girlfriend knocked on my door, crying about how her mom kicked her out. I'm such a pushover, they're in my bed and I'm on the couch. FML

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By - 18/4/2019 00:00

Today, my bird learned how to mimic the fire alarm after my dad has been testing them for the last few months. He now enjoys sounding like a fire alarm anytime I turn the lights off with the other bird joining in. They live in my room. FML

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By Bobsaget00 - 4/8/2011 10:19 - United States

Today, I realized burying my dog underneath our swing-set was a bad idea. My two sons are now scarred for life. FML

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By nzkristy - 3/1/2010 10:59 - New Zealand

Today, I got sent home from work for appearing stoned/under the influence of drugs. I suffer from severe hay fever, which no antihistamine has fixed yet, hence the red and glassy eyes. FML

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By Skidmark Sally - 7/10/2012 21:41 - United States - Las Cruces

Today, while working at the daycare, I had to clean the entire place. During the next four hours, I scooped up three human teeth, a rotten log of shit, a tire iron, a condom wrapper, and a yogurt that expired in 2003. I only cleaned the place a week ago. FML

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By stargate25 - 24/7/2015 02:33 - United States - Denver

Today, my wife sent me a Google Calendar reminder for "sex". FML

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By navyma - 17/9/2009 05:10 - Korea Republic of

Today, I went to the orthodontist to have my braces worked on. I accidentally swallowed some of the cleaning solution she used. She told me it would probably give me an upset stomach. Apparently, an upset stomach and crapping your pants means the same thing to an orthodontist. FML

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By Anonymous - 11/7/2015 01:23 - Canada - Surrey

Today, my wife was in seemingly never-ending labor. It got so bad, I overheard a nurse in the doorway mutter to a coworker that she hoped my baby would just die or something, so she could finally go take a smoke break. FML

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By single once again - 29/12/2012 23:54 - United Kingdom - Romford

Today, I jokingly asked my boyfriend if he was cheating on me. He replied, "Nah, all the chicks in this town are fuck-ugly." and stared at me until I left the room. Good to know that's his only reason for staying faithful. FML

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By nearly20yetasfearfulasatoddlerhavingnightmares - 19/3/2013 06:32 - United States - Allen

Today, it's my third night of finally living on my own in a house. I can't count the number of times I have run to my knife and pepper spray after hearing "suspicious" sounds. Maybe I'm not ready to be an adult after all. FML

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By Mightytall - 11/9/2019 00:01

It's the Final Countdown

Today, I had a very long wait at the doctor's. The three plastic plants in the waiting area have 163 leaves each, the patient information poster on the wall has 127 words, the longest word has 19 letters. FML

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By ididntevendrinkthatnight - 7/6/2013 05:14 - United States - Brooklyn

Today, I got mugged on the way to my 21st birthday party at a bar. I begged the thug to at least throw me my ID, only to have him laugh and run away singing "happy birthday". FML

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By Max - 30/1/2017 12:00 - United States - Bluffton

Today, I tried to grab a coffee at the McDonald's drive-thru on my way home from work, but as I drove away from the restaurant a kid darted across the parking lot right in front of me. I had to slam hard on my brakes to avoid hitting him, in the process spilling my hot coffee all over my jeans. FML

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By Anonymous - 18/6/2013 22:48 - United States - South Salem

Today, my sister came to stay with me in my apartment for the last few weeks of her difficult pregnancy. However she didn't tell me she was bringing her two dogs, her jackass of a husband, my bratty nephew and an inflatable kiddie pool so she could have a natural water birth in my living room. FML

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By Sean - 1/5/2013 04:44 - Canada - L'assomption

Today, from the balcony of my apartment, I watched helplessly as a teen came along and peed through my car's open window. FML

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By Anonymous - 7/2/2020 12:00 - Canada - Edmonton

New one

Today, I closed my eyes while my boyfriend was fingering me, and I felt a cold liquid inside me. I opened my eyes, and he was pouring yogurt into me. He said “I wanted to try something new.” FML

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Top comments

By mrahhhhh | 19

#1490813 - Sunday 3 October 2010 10:00

Next time she gives you a long boring conversation, fall asleep.

When she wakes you up, say you're too tired to fake being interested.

Then ask for a sammich.

By RiiOT09 | 9

#1490679 - Sunday 3 October 2010 9:29

at least she was honest, but that's messed up

Comments

By RiiOT09 | 9

#1490679 - Sunday 3 October 2010 9:29

at least she was honest, but that's messed up

Reply

sammehsaurus | 0

#1490700 - Sunday 3 October 2010 9:33

Seriously haha. That's so brutally honest.

Reply

Stupified | 0

#1490722 - Sunday 3 October 2010 9:39

Ydi. My cat could do a better job than you. I couldn't, but my cat eats his blanket out for 2 hours every day, I bet that experience could come in handy... 

Reply

Toiga | 0

#1491079 - Sunday 3 October 2010 11:46

I agree 12 your distgusting. No wonder cats run when they see people, it's because of weirds freaks like you.

OP you shoulda did the shocker it woulda kept her awake ;) lol

Reply

EffinAhole | 0

#1491343 - Sunday 3 October 2010 13:21

12 win! Where is annoying little Missgrinch when u need her!

Reply

aaaahh | 0

#1492555 - Sunday 3 October 2010 19:21

wtf

Reply

starile | 19

#1497599 - Monday 4 October 2010 17:42

This became a sick little beastiality thread...

Reply

CrazyDutch | 0

#2430044 - Friday 29 April 2011 19:27

she wasn't honest before.. she's a stupid bitch

By chicanangelgirl | 0

#1490681 - Sunday 3 October 2010 9:29

oh wow.... sorry op....

Reply

TheAICore | 0

#1490821 - Sunday 3 October 2010 10:02

Well at least he respected his girlfriends tiredness and didn't continue. :). right?

By angelo8320 | 0

#1490688 - Sunday 3 October 2010 9:31

small tongue?

Reply

bailes_o_hay | 0

#1490740 - Sunday 3 October 2010 9:41

I don't think it's the size that matters when it comes to tongues haha

Reply

xgetxbentx | 13

#1491241 - Sunday 3 October 2010 12:32

tongue size really doesn't matter....at all.

Reply

byakkobayliss | 2

#1494523 - Monday 4 October 2010 3:27

if you're using it in a way where size would matter, you're using it wrong

Reply

idkwhat2sayfyl | 4

#3380617 - Monday 3 October 2011 5:23

Please explain this to me

By angelo8320 | 0

#1490690 - Sunday 3 October 2010 9:31

small tongue?

Reply

PizzaGuy11 | 0

#1495485 - Monday 4 October 2010 8:20

the tounge twister...
dont forget it...

Reply

AceArctic | 4

#1821368 - Friday 10 December 2010 2:23

American Pie FTW.

By 04VWR32 | 6

#1490692 - Sunday 3 October 2010 9:32

maybe try an ice cube next time?

Reply

hahaalolz | 0

#1491564 - Sunday 3 October 2010 14:52

that would, er... tickle...

Reply

sawkiol | 0

#2750513 - Friday 24 June 2011 17:57

No, no, no. What you do is you keep a marble in your mouth. Then u slip it in

By HighStakes | 0

#1490696 - Sunday 3 October 2010 9:33

6th!!!

Reply

FirstBornUnicorn | 0

#1490731 - Sunday 3 October 2010 9:40

High Five

Reply

HighStakes | 0

#1490745 - Sunday 3 October 2010 9:43

High Six

Reply

FirstBornUnicorn | 0

#1490831 - Sunday 3 October 2010 10:07

O dang. That's hardcore.

Reply

TheIrishJaneDoe | 8

#1492859 - Sunday 3 October 2010 20:34

6: Your pic makes me mentally add "Hee-yahh!" at the end of each of your comments.

Reply

PizzaGuy11 | 0

#1495490 - Monday 4 October 2010 8:23

SUCCESS!!!

By Storm121693 | 0

#1490711 - Sunday 3 October 2010 9:38

i feel kinda sorry for you.

By Storm121693 | 0

#1490712 - Sunday 3 October 2010 9:38

i feel kinda sorry for you.

By Storm121693 | 0

#1490714 - Sunday 3 October 2010 9:38

i feel kinda sorry for you.

Reply

brennboo | 3

#1490756 - Sunday 3 October 2010 9:45

what's up with all the repeated comments?

Reply

Arsonnist | 3

#1490769 - Sunday 3 October 2010 9:47

That's embarrassing.

Reply

EffinAhole | 0

#1491349 - Sunday 3 October 2010 13:22

Storm! WE GET IT!

Reply

HighStakes | 0

#1494334 - Monday 4 October 2010 2:55

Ignorance, Shutthefuckup. Please.

By christian50 | 0

#1490716 - Sunday 3 October 2010 9:38

hmm... try drawing the alphabet with your toungue?

Reply

04VWR32 | 6

#1490771 - Sunday 3 October 2010 9:47

find the clit