Today, while getting out of Starbucks there was a homeless guy....

By coffee - 22/8/2010 04:27 - United States

Today, while getting out of Starbucks there was a homeless guy. I bought him a coffee and he was so happy he gave me a hug. Guess whose wallet is missing? FML

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Money

Season finale

DINOSAURS!!

Higher standards

By GrinningCynic - 14/5/2012 17:55 - United States - Englewood

Today, I was told I need two root canals. This is because my previous dentist did such a bad job on one of my teeth that the decay went through and transferred to its neighbor. FML

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By dxplq876 - 17/3/2009 03:13 - United States

Today, I was walking out of the grocery store and out of no where, a car backing up pretty fast speeds downs the parking lot and hits me, causing me to fall down and drop all of the groceries. The woman jumped out of her car, not to help me, but to carefully check her bumper for scratches. FML

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By why me - 29/6/2016 04:41 - United States - Milford

Today, I bought a brand new Wii U. My cat must have thought the wires looked tasty because he chewed through each of them, which will now cost me another $100. FML

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By Good morning to you all - 20/6/2018 20:30

Today, since my dad decided he's tired of not being completely comfortable in his own home, he now wears only a knee-length robe without underwear so he can "really enjoy the breeze". I've seen more balls in a few days than a pro baseball player does his entire career. FML

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By Mrs. W. - 11/8/2015 00:32 - United States - Las Vegas

Today, a kid on a bike passed me and commented on my "big fat butt." Recognizing him from the neighborhood, I told my husband to go speak to his parents about the inappropriate comment. It turns out his father is the man who yesterday commented on my "big bouncing tits." FML

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By Anonymous - 14/8/2011 20:21 - United Kingdom

Today, my religious parents were hosting a family dinner. Not only did we have to wait over an hour for my grandma to finally show up, but when she did, she had her 30 year old boytoy in tow. Apparently, "Granny has needs too you know, hahaha!" Goodbye peaceful family. FML

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By Anonymous - 28/5/2009 05:04 - United States

Today, I was dealing with a psychiatric patient with a colonostomy bag. She got agitated and ripped the bag from her abdomen and threw it at my face. I got a bag filled with poop thrown at my face. FML

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By Anonymous - 15/1/2011 15:33 - United States

Today, I went to dinner with friends for my birthday. During the whole thing they insisted that we get whatever we wanted and celebrate, but when the check came, they all looked at me expectantly. I just bought my friends $150 of food for my birthday present. FML

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By someone euthanize me - 16/1/2016 08:17

Today, I tested out my new paintball gun by firing a few rounds into some thick bushes. Nothing could've prepared me for the angry swarm of hornets whose nest I'd apparently shot. I'm in so much pain. FML

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By Anonymous - 6/9/2019 14:00

Priorities, dude

Today, my friend told me I was a terrible person and didn't care about our friendship. Why? Because I broke our Snapchat streak by working and sleeping, instead of being on my phone. FML

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By Tuffgunsmoke - 4/2/2010 07:22 - France

Today, I was at the gym and saw an old friend. I have put on a lot of muscle in the past few months, and she said to me "Wow, you've really gotten big." Just by habit I said "You too." Turns out she's gained 45 lbs since I'd last seen her. Oops. FML

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By MoRuined - 9/10/2014 10:27 - South Africa - Johannesburg

Today, I found my first grey hair. How? My boyfriend stopped in the middle of sex to point it out. FML

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By I'm stupid - 25/11/2012 15:08 - United States - Naperville

Today, I took a pregnancy test. When I saw that the result was positive, I started crying and showed my mom. She burst out laughing and told me that I had taken an ovulation test. FML

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By Tyler_Padgett - 24/5/2009 23:52 - United States

Today, I was lighting fireworks for my cousin's birthday in my Grandmother's yard. When it came time to light the "Grand Finale", I read on the outside of the box,"Face this side toward crowd for best result". After I lit it, I realized that it was on it's side. I shot 100 fireworks at my family. FML

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By Anon - 5/12/2015 23:15 - United States - Fayetteville

Today, I learned that while most people drunk text, I drunk clean. And by drunk clean I mean put my things away where I won't be able to find them, like my car keys. FML

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By Loopy - 7/5/2019 06:00 - Belgium

Today, I had to buy more supplies for the cat my friend asked me to pet sit for 2 weeks. Her 2-week vacation ended over 3 years ago. FML

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By Anonymous - 21/6/2012 14:52 - United States - Medway

Today, when I told my family I was a vegetarian, I expected them to make fun of me because that's just my family. But what I wasn't expecting was my dad to use raw meat as a puppet and make it say, "Eat me! Eat me!" then throw it at my face. FML

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By :x - 3/2/2016 15:40 - United States - Richmond

Today, I tried to be sexy by pulling down my girlfriend's panties with my teeth. I didn't expect to be faced with the mother of all shit stains and start gagging so bad I nearly puked. FML

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By not even - 21/7/2016 11:20 - United States - Troy

Today, my pregnant wife suggested we have fun tonight since we haven't had sex in 3 months. She also said we'll be having waffles and sausage. I'm actually more excited about the food than the sex. FML

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By Anonymous - 24/12/2012 05:33 - United States

Today, my boyfriend and I were in bed and I asked him why he was with me. His answer was, "Well, the last girl I dated was really smart and she always made me feel dumb, so I decided to switch things up a bit. You make me feel like a genius babe." FML

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By bobbies - 15/4/2009 02:15 - United States

Today, I was telling my sister about how I am horribly depressed and how I can't function and she responded with, "Oh, shit! I've got to go Jeopardy is on!" FML

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By bummed out step monster - 24/6/2015 04:02 - United States - San Francisco

Today, I overheard my soon to be step-daughter telling her friend on the phone that she hopes that me and her father's wedding is just a big joke and that he isn't really going to go through with it. I just dropped five grand on a dress and venue. She's in for a surprise. FML

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By Tiny - 29/7/2014 08:27 - United States - Las Vegas

Today, I had to sit through yet another one of my mom's, "You need to grow and gain some weight!" rants. I'm 22 and she doesn't believe me when I tell her I'm done growing. I'm pretty sure I'm not getting past 5'2". FML

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By MID12 - 23/3/2009 17:22 - United States

Today, I was having sex with my girlfriend of nine months when she gets a phone call and decides to answer it. It was her fiancé that I knew nothing about. She told me she was engaged while I was still inside of her. FML

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By Tony - 18/10/2011 15:10 - United States

Today, I woke up to people in the parking lot screaming "everybody wake up". They've been doing this at 7 every morning since I moved in 3 months ago. FML

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By I did them anyway - 20/7/2015 22:01 - New Zealand

Today, my flatmate asked me to wash the large pile of dishes on the bench, and if I would start on cleaning the house which was a total mess. This would have been fine if I hadn't just walked in after being away for a week. FML

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By :$ - 6/7/2012 21:30 - United States

Today, my boyfriend came to a family barbecue. I guess my dad heard him talking about the "fun" we'd be having later, because over the next two hours, he tripped my boyfriend up on concrete, threw a beer can at him, and sprayed him full-force with a water hose. All "accidentally" of course. FML

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By Anonymous - 9/11/2015 00:18 - Netherlands

Today, after months of Tinder-ing, first dates and being rejected, I finally was able to hook up with a girl. We met, we kissed, we danced and I took her back to my place. She then promptly tried to make out with my roommate. FML

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By thedancingtit - 7/6/2016 05:11 - United States - Eagle River

Today, I let my brother babysit my 6-year-old daughter. She learned 2 new words from him. One of them was "Hail" and the other one was "Satan". FML

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By Mr.Viola - 20/6/2010 06:42 - United States

Today, my future father-in-law, a respectable New England gentleman, bought me an $8,000 viola and bow for our engagement. I was so surprised that I spit a glass of wine from a 60 year old bottle all over his custom-tailored suit. He was not happy. FML

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By Mimi - 29/11/2012 05:29 - United States

Today, I was shopping when I overheard a woman telling an employee that she was buying an iPad for her 5-year-old son. Annoyed, I turned around and ranted about how he should have more age appropriate toys. Then she explained that her son is autistic and will be using the iPad to communicate. FML

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By Janitoro - 23/11/2012 01:19 - United States

Double-edged sword

Today, I was blessed with a girlfriend who loves giving blowjobs. And cursed with a girlfriend who is also somehow really bad at them. FML

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By Username - 8/10/2010 21:30 - France

Today, I learned the hard way that leaving eye drops in your car all day makes them scorching hot. FML

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By JillianJuneBug - 17/8/2019 18:00

Mexican Standoff

Today, I had no choice but to use a public bathroom. I have issues going when there are others in the stalls, and apparently another person did as well. We both sat there in silence, waiting stubbornly for the other to give up and leave so we could go. It’s been 20 minutes. FML

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By Anonymous - 19/5/2019 22:05

Today, I got hit on. By a high school kid. Who looks exactly like Napoleon Dynamite. That was the only time anyone has ever hit on me. FML

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By mer - 8/2/2009 23:34 - United States

Today, I told my best friend of 10 years that somewhere along the way I fell in love with him and I think we should be together. His response: "I appreciate the sentiment." FML

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By Anonymous - 8/4/2014 16:07 - Italy - Vigodarzere

Today, after months of being on anti-depression medication and feeling very little emotionally, I finally felt some joy. Sadly it was from completely crushing my husband in an argument he started, where he claimed ketchup is a vegetable. FML

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By Dave - 19/12/2018 18:00

Today, I said to a girl that I recently started dating, ‘I like you so far’. My phone had other plans and decide to autocorrect far to fat as I hit send. FML.

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By Elizabeth Ann - 12/7/2020 08:01

Boom!

Today, I was laying with my cat when someone set off a firework next to my window. Now I have stitches and a bed covered in blood. FML

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By - 26/2/2020 01:00

Nothing

Today, I realized that I'm on the top of not having my drivers license/ state ID (I was submitting my taxes and needed it) I also threw away my brand new passport because I thought it was trash in my boyfriends car. FML

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Top comments

By BluPenguin | 3

#1283819 - Sunday 22 August 2010 12:32

you jacked a homeless guy's wallet???

By bodoquito89 | 0

#1283788 - Sunday 22 August 2010 12:20

how ungrateful :-(

COMMENTS

By bodoquito89 | 0

#1283788 - Sunday 22 August 2010 12:20

how ungrateful :-(

the_flirtt | 0

#1283798 - Sunday 22 August 2010 12:22

hah I'm guessing the hobos ?

bodoquito89 | 0

#1283801 - Sunday 22 August 2010 12:23

lol yeah

Shookitup | 0

#1283817 - Sunday 22 August 2010 12:31

See that's why you can never be too sure about people :/
Don't worry though, good things will come your way ^.^

the_flirtt | 0

#1283824 - Sunday 22 August 2010 12:33

no the hobo cursed him

andruha1123 | 5

#1283840 - Sunday 22 August 2010 12:36

why do we have to guess.. would have been a lot easier if you just told us..... sigh

Chrisskiies | 0

#1283843 - Sunday 22 August 2010 12:36

ignore the hobos hanging out in front of starbucks. It isn't hard.

Trupe | 3

#1283946 - Sunday 22 August 2010 13:07

Why would you hug a random hobo?

DocBastard | 38

#1283963 - Sunday 22 August 2010 13:19

Congratulations OP, you're an all day sucker. That's the oldest trick in the hobo book.

Ali_Br_fml | 33

#1283990 - Sunday 22 August 2010 13:29

ikr! I give hobos a 6-inch sandwich every time I go 2 subway by my job. A different 1 every time, and they never did that to me. Maybe the hobo was hungry...

azn_pridee69 | 0

#1284165 - Sunday 22 August 2010 15:17

haha ;D .

123OLALO | 0

#1284254 - Sunday 22 August 2010 16:02

i hate how ppl take advantage of you after you do something nice to them. ungrateful bitches...

ThereIsNoFork | 0

#1285095 - Sunday 22 August 2010 16:28

Haha 38- what good does nice do you when a hobo just stole all your cookies? (metaphorically speaking)

zoolu6879 | 0

#1285264 - Sunday 22 August 2010 16:58

No good deed goes unpunished.

Brittney_E | 0

#1285707 - Sunday 22 August 2010 18:52

karma on him!(:

Josk95 | 0

#1285931 - Sunday 22 August 2010 19:56

OP, don't you know that you never should hug a homeless?

TaylorTotsYumm | 10

#1286113 - Sunday 22 August 2010 20:16

He want to hug me wooo
he wants to love me wooo
he'll snag your wallet wooo woo oo oo
don't hug a ho-bo
never hug a ho-bo
won't hug cos that ho-bo steals thingys

hockeyplayer82 | 0

#1286702 - Sunday 22 August 2010 22:36

I'm going to guess the hobos wallet us gone?

AbsoluteTurtle | 0

#1286714 - Sunday 22 August 2010 22:44

it could be worse, the hobo could have taken YOU and left the wallet.

kal915 | 0

#1286728 - Sunday 22 August 2010 22:56

why would be nice to a hobo? they are too lazy to get a job that's why they're homeless.

mshoes12346 | 3

#1287630 - Monday 23 August 2010 2:57

good for u to bein nice to hobos but ydi for huggin him...

Ali_Br_fml | 33

#1287982 - Monday 23 August 2010 4:51

79 "Don't trust me" reference ftw!!!
Rotflmbo!

starile | 19

#1288210 - Monday 23 August 2010 6:04

kal... your world is very small. I almost feel bad for you.

starile | 19

#1288232 - Monday 23 August 2010 6:11

BTW OP Sucks that your wallet got stolen.

Mehness | 0

#1292430 - Tuesday 24 August 2010 2:32

You bitch! How could you steal a poor homeless man's wallet like that!?!?!

pwincessa23 | 1

#1349659 - Saturday 4 September 2010 10:46

lol 85 made me laugh!!!

ballinbri123 | 0

#1394438 - Sunday 12 September 2010 19:47

Ha! Ah~greed :D

By Link_Asriel | 0

#1283790 - Sunday 22 August 2010 12:20

last!!! did i win?
Edit: damn so close. see you on page ten....

By JamieLeeLV | 0

#1283814 - Sunday 22 August 2010 12:31

who hugs a homeless guy?

misfit471 | 0

#1284009 - Sunday 22 August 2010 13:38

Are you in Metallica Myliferocks24..? :P

foreverspellman | 0

#1285293 - Sunday 22 August 2010 17:04

exactly what I was going to say. should have done another nice thing... called the cops and had him arrested. free place to stay and at least a meal or two, even if it's jail.