Animals: Today, I cleaned up my dog's crap after my wife asked me. 5 minutes...

By Username - United States

Today, I cleaned up my dog's crap after my wife asked me. 5 minutes later she yelled at me for being lazy as she slammed the door leaving for work. My dog shit in the exact same spot apparently to make me look stupid. FML

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By carr - France

Today, my mother noticed that I hadn't taken the trash out in a few weeks and angry, piled various full trash bags on my bed. I've been away on holiday for the past three weeks, I guess she didn't notice that part. FML

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By Cano951 - United States

Today, I was bitched out by a pizza delivery man. I didn't have the cash to pay him for a pizza I didn't even order. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was at the movies with my boyfriend when I really had to pee. I tried to get out of the aisle in a hurry so I wouldn't disturb anyone when I tripped, landing on the people in the row in front of me. FML

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By theydidsmellitthough - Israel - Netanya

Today, I was playing Slender, when I caught a glimpse of the Slenderman. I jumped in my chair, letting rip a huge fart in the process. Nobody heard it, but only because my shrieks of terror drowned out the sound. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I found my vibrator that I didn't know was missing... underneath my dad's mattress. FML

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By anonymous - United States - Waxhaw

Today, my son became convinced that his father cheated and we put the fertilized egg inside me to cover the whole thing up. He won't stop calling me "host mother". FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, I attended my extended family's Christmas dinner. All throughout, my grandmother kept complaining about how the food tasted like crap, and making sexual remarks such as how "the stuffings were far better in my day, if you know what I mean." FML

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By Julie - United States - East Brunswick

Today, I woke up to find our Christmas tree knocked over, unwrapped presents scattered everywhere, and my mom passed out on the sofa with a bottle of booze. Merry Christmas. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I spent almost $200 on a planetarium show with my boyfriend, who loves astronomy. He said his favorite thing about it was that he could pick his nose without anyone noticing. FML

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By CorinnenotaplanB

Today, my date for this weekend called and asked if he could bring his possible new girlfriend on our weekend getaway as well. FML

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By Anonymous - Japan - Tokyo

Today, I managed to bruise my nipple by closing an umbrella on it. The stupidity of the whole thing hurts almost as much as the injury. FML

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By wastedlove - United States

Today, I had sex with this guy who I like very much. As he went to leave I decided to give him one last thrill. So I reached down his pants and started to rub and stroke him. He abruptly pulled my hand out, when I asked why, he points behind me, my mom watched the whole thing. FML

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By daddyslittlegirl250 - United States

Today, we watched a movie in French class. I went on a French exchange last year, so I wanted to sound all impressive and cultured for my crush who is in the same class. I said that it was my favorite movie and I couldn't wait to watch it with everyone. The movie turned out to be about incest. FML

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By shinee - Singapore

Today, to be nice, I baked cookies for my step-mom as a birthday present. I burnt my hand while putting them in the oven, but I'd hoped it would be worth it. When she got home, I gave one for her to try. She took a bite, spit it out, and threw it on the floor, asking if it was a joke or if I was really trying to poison her. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, instead of spending New Year's Eve having a romantic night out with my fiancé as we'd planned, I'm spending it sitting beside him in the hospital because his friends convinced him to go off-road ghost-riding in the dead of night. FML

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By rachel - Germany - K?ln

Today, my little brother told me to give him my phone so he could play a game on it. I said no, because I was taking a call from a friend at the time. He then walked over to the wall, headbutted it, burst into tears, then told my parents that I punched him. They believed him. FML

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By hannieannie

Psychopath's joke

Today, I’m still recovering from last night. I fell asleep before my boyfriend. He thought it would be funny to stand at the bottom of the bed with a knife and wake me up. I screamed so much that I wet myself and had a panic attack. He recorded the whole thing. FML

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By Anon.

Today, my dog died. We planned to get her cremated and keep the ashes. My sister put forward the idea of putting the ashes in our food so our dog can be "inside of us, always." She's completely serious. I'm scared to eat food from her now. FML

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By noquiero - United Kingdom - Peterlee

Today, someone rang my doorbell. The moment I opened the door, a smell not unlike a cascading torrent of rotting flesh and urine hit my nostrils. I stood there for an eternity as a homeless man leaned on my door and desperately tried to convince me to buy an array of scrap metal from him. FML

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By lonelyguy321 - United Kingdom

Today, I went to bed with three hot, half-naked girls beneath me. I was in the bunk above. Alone. FML

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By rmo1776 - United States

Today, I went to a very nice reception at a hotel. I glanced inside the ballroom and saw that no one else was in there and, not wanting to be the first one there, I walked past and into the stairway. Turns out, I had walked into the emergency exit stairs and had to set off the alarm to get out. FML

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By DaveAlmighty - United States

Today, my son told me he needed a haircut. I was thrilled that he actually requested it, since he normally throws a fit over getting them. He described the cut he wants. It's a mullet. FML

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By MIA

Today, on Maury…

Today, my husband of four years finally told me he has an eight-year-old son. FML

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By shit - United States - Colonial Heights

Today, I went to the dentist; no one was in the waiting room so I danced around and mouthed songs that were on the radio. It wasn't till after I went to the counter and saw the receptionists laughing like a pack of hyenas that I realized there was a camera. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, my boyfriend and I were in bed making out. He then tried to unhook my bra. After a full minute of trying unsuccessfully, he shouted "Fuck you, bra!" before hiding his face in the pillows. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - San Francisco

Today, I happily announced to my parents that I'm pregnant. My dad later handed me a printout containing a list of nearby abortion clinics. FML

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By A - Canada

Today, I received a phone call at work about an emergency and I had to come home immediately. I arrived to find that no one had been hurt and the house hadn't burned down. The "emergency" was my mom ran out of milk and cigarettes. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Hudson Falls

Today, my science class found out that I have OCD and that one of my rituals is to cough when others cough. This is going to be a long year. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Akron

Today, my mom got drunk and started crying, ranting about all the things she could have done in life if I hadn't been born. FML

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By StellaSanguina - United States

Today, a buttmunch customer brought in $7 worth of pennies I had to count and roll. As I was putting them in the deposite box at the end of my shift, I fumbled and dropped the rolls. All but one broke, spilling their contents on the floor. FML

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By Emptyspace - United States

Today, I found my long lost diary and curiously read it. What's worse than finding out that your mother read your diary? Finding out that your mother wrote comments in it. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I saw my boyfriend of a year kissing another girl. When I walked up to confront him about it, he tried to convince the other girl he didn't know who I was. FML

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By daddy's girl - United States - Springfield

Today, I had to drag my grandmother out of a store because she went up to a black family and started apologizing for slavery. FML

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By anonymous-canada

Today, I was working a midnight shift when a guy came in drunk and was trying to get me to come home with him. I said I had a boyfriend. As I said this, my manager, who has no teeth and B.O, said he was my boyfriend. I will never live this down with my co-workers. FML

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By YoshiSqu4d

Today, someone tripped the fire alarm at the hotel I'm currently staying at while I was taking a shit. FML

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By Cantunsee

Today, I found out just how close my boyfriend has been getting to our new neighbour's teenage son. I came home from work to find them on my bed and my "straight" boyfriend head down ass up. FML

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By Lovejunkie - United States

Today, after finalizing my divorce, I decided to go out with a guy I had been ogling for months, after much anticipation and a few rounds of drinks at the bar, I was ready to roll. Much to my disappointment, his penis was so small the condom wouldn't stay on. FML

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By jarrettsorko - Canada

Today, someone broke into my house. They stole my TV, DVD player and a few DVDs. However they only took about 2 out of 100 DVDs. Apparently that's how bad my taste is in movies. FML

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By DisappointedDaughter

Today, I’m counting the things my mother has broken or ruined since I let her move in with me a year ago. So far, the list contains a Christmas tree, my power drill, a toaster oven, inherited kitchen knives, an expensive bath towel set, multiple kitchen gadgets, a flatbed scanner and a laser printer. FML

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By Shameful - United States

Today, my school's 6'2, 270-pound, 375-pound bench-pressing football superstar knocked me unconscious in one hit. With a dodgeball. FML

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Top comments

By Miss_gord | 0

#2077019 - Sunday 13 February 2011 10:10

"stupid dog you make me look bad":)

By forthepainx3 | 0

#2077053 - Sunday 13 February 2011 10:20

maybe it was your wife and she was blaming the dog? :o

COMMENTS

By Ishki | 0

#2077016 - Sunday 13 February 2011 10:09

Clean it up, lazy.

LordXavier | 0

#2077120 - Sunday 13 February 2011 10:46

you have a door on your kitchen? Because that's the only place the bitch should
be going!

thehun927 | 0

#2080864 - Monday 14 February 2011 4:23

Win!

By Miss_gord | 0

#2077019 - Sunday 13 February 2011 10:10

"stupid dog you make me look bad":)

Kadaj7412 | 0

#2077136 - Sunday 13 February 2011 10:52

"Now it's time for Courage the Cowardly Dog show."

MLuckyCapoeirist | 6

#2077145 - Sunday 13 February 2011 10:54

In the middle of nowhere! God that show was a bit scary wasn't it? Especially when we were kids...

Kadaj7412 | 0

#2077165 - Sunday 13 February 2011 11:02

Nah, the show was funny. Sailing across nowhere to find a sandwhale and take its accordion.

InnocentLies | 0

#2077171 - Sunday 13 February 2011 11:06

I esp like the art in that show.
:)

derpherp | 0

#2077228 - Sunday 13 February 2011 11:27

I'd like to buy a vowel. O. Is it, Boom?

rhartwick | 0

#2077423 - Sunday 13 February 2011 12:46

I hated that showit gave me nightmares as a kid

ArmedcrackerR6 | 8

#2077779 - Sunday 13 February 2011 14:29

Sounds like it's time to put down Old Yeller if you know what I mean.

Mr_Darkside | 5

#2080442 - Monday 14 February 2011 2:02

that was a great show. the episode Last Of The Star Makers was depressing... :( anyway.... dude u have a smart ass dog

sinnikle | 5

#2089737 - Wednesday 16 February 2011 16:36

It's Doc Gerbil's world, It's Doc Gerbil's world

EvilCupcake8361 | 9

#3292464 - Thursday 15 September 2011 6:12

that show creeped me out as a kid O.o

iBiteRoses | 22

#3777991 - Friday 23 December 2011 21:55

Me too... OMG I had such bad nightmares about that show... Weird muttations of the characters would chase me around with lethal-looking weapons and kitchen utensils. LOL

By eternalsugarhigh | 0

#2077022 - Sunday 13 February 2011 10:10

Wow, your dog must be quite the marksman.

subiedude08 | 17

#5662508 - Saturday 7 September 2013 4:35

Dogs trolling him

By nateb1tch | 1

#2077024 - Sunday 13 February 2011 10:10

Or you just blamed the dog..

forthepainx3 | 0

#2077087 - Sunday 13 February 2011 10:36

or the dog pulled out a gun and forced him to pull the crap out of it's ass and put it on the floor in THE EXACT SAME SPOT

fthku | 13

#2077528 - Sunday 13 February 2011 13:17

13 That was just beyond not funny.

If you don't teach your dog not to poop in the house, he'll do it. Dogs also like to return to the same spots for these sort of things.
Guess you are stupid.