Today, I cleaned up my dog's crap after my wife asked me. 5 minutes...

By Username - 13/2/2011 02:17 - United States

Today, I cleaned up my dog's crap after my wife asked me. 5 minutes later she yelled at me for being lazy as she slammed the door leaving for work. My dog shit in the exact same spot apparently to make me look stupid. FML

I agree, your life sucks

38559

You deserved it

3679

Favorite

Animals

Proactive

Drinking is bad for you, most of the time

British Broadcasting Corporation

By lobotomy pls - 11/9/2015 18:40 - United States - Tappahannock

Today, I walked in on my mom, legs spread and changing her tampon, all while she was carrying on a conversation on the phone. FML

I agree, your life sucks

28215

You deserved it

4462

Favorite

By Muffinhater - 24/12/2009 03:21 - United States

Today, I awoke at 5am to the smell of smoke and the sound of sirens. It seems the whole Santa Monica Fire Department had made it outside our apartment complex. We had to wake up every single person on our floor. What for? An old lady burned a muffin. FML

I agree, your life sucks

28227

You deserved it

2419

Favorite

By storksleuth - 4/10/2011 08:57 - United States

Today, I saw a girl wearing a Nirvana shirt. Since Nirvana has been my favorite band for a long time, I tried striking up a conversation with her. Turns out she doesn't even listen to them, and only bought the shirt because she "liked the smiley face." FML

I agree, your life sucks

34786

You deserved it

5544

Favorite

By Anonymous - 16/5/2012 20:34 - Netherlands - Kerkrade

Today, I called my boyfriend during his lunch break. He started to place his order at a fast food joint, and trying to be funny, I started moaning sexily after each part of his order. I eventually realised I was on speaker when I heard snickering in the background. FML

I agree, your life sucks

7710

You deserved it

32095

Favorite

By mikesok988 - 7/5/2009 07:40 - United States

Today, there was a potluck at my girlfriend's house. I had a sour stomach, so I went to the bathroom to relieve myself. When I flushed, nothing happened. They had to call a plumber to fix the toilet filled with my crap. The whole family watched, noses plugged and faces cringed, looking at me. FML

I agree, your life sucks

57251

You deserved it

4776

Favorite

By zombieguyswife - 28/6/2012 23:44 - United States - Branson

Today, I found out that the only way I can convince my husband to start working out is by convincing him that we are training for when the "zombie outbreak" happens. FML

I agree, your life sucks

24976

You deserved it

3958

Favorite

By Anonymous - 6/3/2017 04:00

Today, our cat died. My husband and I had a touching bonding moment together. Our relationship has been strained for months, and I thought this could bring us closer. He decided to bring up politics. FML

I agree, your life sucks

5857

You deserved it

570

Favorite

By billiams15 - 6/5/2012 21:57 - United States - Katy

Today, I got my colonoscopy results back. I had hoped they'd show what's been causing my stomach pains for the last few weeks, but instead it turns out that my colon is healthy and normal. I basically got cornholed for no goddamn reason. FML

I agree, your life sucks

23308

You deserved it

4291

Favorite

By fabz - 27/11/2015 12:39 - South Africa - Cape Town

Today, my boss confirmed he is a micro-managing asshole. We walked into the office together and I turned on the lights. He switched them off and switched them on again, just to make sure that I did it right. FML

I agree, your life sucks

24921

You deserved it

1609

Favorite

By theblackrose23 - 6/9/2013 12:10 - United States - Lansing

Today, I found out my grandfather died via Facebook, because apparently both my father and my aunt think posting a status about it immediately rather than calling family is the thing to do. FML

I agree, your life sucks

47972

You deserved it

2822

Favorite

By 092492 - 5/3/2011 21:53 - United States

Today, I was finally able to get up and take a shit after being bedridden due to my knee surgery. I had diarrhea and because I can't properly bend my knee, I can't wipe my butt. FML

I agree, your life sucks

35414

You deserved it

3968

Favorite

By anonymous - 2/9/2012 22:31 - United States - Anaheim

Today, I met a really cute girl at a club. At first, she told me I was cute. Then, she slurred that I look like "a spork on legs." Then she sprayed the inside of my mouth with vomit as she kissed me. FML

I agree, your life sucks

31333

You deserved it

7321

Favorite

By Snufflopagus - 1/1/2014 13:26 - United States - Lynnwood

Today, my boyfriend told me that sometimes my nipples taste like onions. FML

I agree, your life sucks

52236

You deserved it

10522

Favorite

By Anonymous - 10/3/2013 07:52 - United States

Today, I tried to pick up a girl by asking her what the time was as a conversation starter. She responded by telling me it was time to pick a girl more in my league. FML

I agree, your life sucks

35949

You deserved it

9170

Favorite

By J - 11/2/2009 07:14 - United States

Today, at lunch I ordered a coke. The waiter replied "diet coke?" and I corrected him saying, "No, regular coke." He shook his head and said again, "diet coke." FML

I agree, your life sucks

54056

You deserved it

8796

Favorite

By Anonymous - 30/9/2011 12:52 - Australia

Today, my younger brother brought home his new bagpipes. My older brother plays the drums. I'm currently preparing to sit the most important exams of my schooling life. FML

I agree, your life sucks

27393

You deserved it

2388

Favorite

By mummer11 - 15/11/2013 17:49 - Ireland

Today, my mum staggered home, piss drunk. When I tried to walk her to her room, she shoved me away and cursed at me for being a "goody two-shoes". She then slurred "I fucked your mum", and informed me that my mum is a skank. That's good to know, mum. FML

I agree, your life sucks

45884

You deserved it

3113

Favorite

By Anonymous - 6/6/2011 13:13 - United Kingdom

Today, I discovered my mother went into the local pub where I work part time, got very drunk, and flashed her boobs at everyone. I found out when a picture was posted on Facebook. FML

I agree, your life sucks

38840

You deserved it

3215

Favorite

By Anonymous - 4/12/2013 21:15 - Sweden - Uppsala

Today, I just about managed to convince the judge to overlook my client's emotional outbursts in the courtroom, promising that he'd be on his best behavior from now on. An hour later, he screamed "FUCK YOU!" at the judge for telling him to quiet down. I hate my job. FML

I agree, your life sucks

46397

You deserved it

4215

Favorite

By Somekindofcaleb - 11/9/2017 01:30

Today, my car died after I got off work at 1am. All of my coworkers had already left and nobody could come out to jump my car. I had to walk the 3 miles home in a torrential downpour. FML

I agree, your life sucks

3800

You deserved it

258

Favorite

By FoxyManicLiar - 27/9/2010 21:06 - France

Today, I got a bad cut on my dominant hand while at work. My boss decided to order me to juice lemons... all 300 of them. FML

I agree, your life sucks

35275

You deserved it

3164

Favorite

By JPPUDLY - 11/12/2012 23:03 - United States - Los Gatos

Today, I had to create a perfect society in English class; the best society has their grade go up a full letter. After tons of preparation and thinking, I lost to an island made only of cheese. FML

I agree, your life sucks

26152

You deserved it

2345

Favorite

By AverageDeskJoe - 3/5/2016 20:43 - United States - Baton Rouge

Today, I met with my boss hoping to hear about a possible raise that had been promised many months ago. He then told me that the only way I would get a raise was if I found a better paying job and took it, and that the company was in no position to offer anyone a raise. FML

I agree, your life sucks

12299

You deserved it

1184

Favorite

By justmeagain - 11/12/2018 12:00

Today, my girlfriend left me. The reason? She sent me a link to a story online about a woman who abused her dog to the point of death and I didn’t vomit while reading it. According to her, that makes me a “heartless monster.” FML

I agree, your life sucks

2553

You deserved it

200

Favorite

By anonymous - 28/8/2015 17:18 - United States - Huffman

Today, I decided to give my dog a bath. Instead, my dog gave me a bath. FML

I agree, your life sucks

19898

You deserved it

3808

Favorite

By SpiderMan - 12/3/2009 00:23 - United States

Today, I was masturbating into a sock when I felt something on my cock. I quickly ripped the sock off and threw it on the floor... and watched a huge spider come scurrying out. I just inadvertently fucked a spider. FML

I agree, your life sucks

57285

You deserved it

106300

Favorite

By imustbegay - 9/5/2010 14:20 - United States

Today, I was buying condoms for my girlfriend and myself. While at the checkout counter, my guy friend sees me, runs to me, puts his arm around me, kisses me on the cheek, then yells "Thank you baby!" There were about twenty people behind me, they all gave me dirty looks. FML

I agree, your life sucks

42196

You deserved it

10341

Favorite

By Anonymous - 24/4/2011 20:55 - United States

Today, it is both my birthday and Easter. My whole family came into town and my mom made a big dinner with all of my favorite foods. After church, I took a nap. When I woke up, all the food, including my cake, was gone. No one thought to wake me up. FML

I agree, your life sucks

40302

You deserved it

6831

Favorite

By -__-" - 29/9/2013 05:45 - United States - Vancouver

Today, a stranger pulled me out of the path of a speeding taxicab. He then took one look at my face, said, "I should've left you there", and walked away. FML

I agree, your life sucks

48431

You deserved it

4532

Favorite

By Kitcat034 - 22/1/2018 15:00

Today, I told my roommate that I was an atheist and she laughed. I left and returned to find her and her prayer group praying for my soul. She told me to accept Jesus Christ as my lord and savior. I said no. Then she told me to find somewhere else to live. FML

I agree, your life sucks

4690

You deserved it

1000

Favorite

By OuttaNowhere81 - 15/5/2009 04:05 - United States

Today, I was smoking a cigarette in my backyard while my parents were out, because I'm not allowed to smoke. While smoking, my parents came home unexpectedly. In a rush, I flicked it over the fence, and it landed in my neighbor's hair. It was still lit. FML

I agree, your life sucks

10548

You deserved it

73347

Favorite

By coltsfoot - 23/5/2010 09:08 - Norway

Today, while having sex with the guy I have seen for about 3 years, he answered the phone. I found out that he had a girlfriend while he was inside me. FML

I agree, your life sucks

47173

You deserved it

7054

Favorite

By megaladon - 28/6/2010 08:12 - United States

Today, my boyfriend and I were messing around. When he slipped his hand down my pants, he scratched my pubic hair and said "scruffy, scruffy, scruffy." FML

I agree, your life sucks

34711

You deserved it

37299

Favorite

By chuchie - 12/6/2009 02:39 - United States

Today, I was babysitting my 5 month old nephew who hasn't pooped in 2 days according to his mom. Well, he pooped. I accidentally stuck my finger in it. While I was wiping my finger off, he rolls over and pees on my new carpet. I roll him over to clean the pee and he opened fire and pooped again. FML

I agree, your life sucks

56403

You deserved it

6625

Favorite

By Anonymous - 18/3/2020 08:09

Caring

Today, I was rummaging about in the pantry. When I turned to walk away, the heavy pantry door fell off, struck me in the back of the head, and the wood surrounding the doorknob cracked. When my mom came home, she accused me of "property damage." FML

I agree, your life sucks

1384

You deserved it

Favorite

By porkieworkie - 21/4/2009 12:44 - United States

Today, just after getting off the phone with a girl I am interested in, I parked on campus and decided to eat my lunch in the car. As I was sitting there, she appeared out of nowhere and walked to her car. I was parked directly behind her car, sitting there like a creepy ass. FML

I agree, your life sucks

58581

You deserved it

9227

Favorite

By BustedEgo - 23/3/2014 05:31 - United States - Norway

Today, my boyfriend told me he doesn't know what it's like to be turned on. Apparently, I've been doing something wrong for the past two years. FML

I agree, your life sucks

52628

You deserved it

7285

Favorite

By NotChadKrouger - 11/5/2011 15:19

Today, I was auditioning for a talent show. I asked my girlfriend if I could sing to her before I went. She said sure. Thirty seconds in, she got up and mumbled, "You're only going to embarrass yourself." FML

I agree, your life sucks

26288

You deserved it

14890

Favorite

By Anonymous - 10/7/2015 19:54 - Canada - Sudbury

Today, my phone kept beeping, so I put it on silent and went back to sleep. When I woke up later, I found the guy I went on a date with last night had sent dozens of messages. The first was "Good morning! :)" and the last was "Answer me u fuckin cunt!!!!" I think I'm staying single. FML

I agree, your life sucks

30973

You deserved it

3144

Favorite

By lifesuck - 19/9/2010 14:11 - United States

Today, while at a local river, I had been pulled underwater by a very fast and strong current. While fighting for my life, I had let go of my sandals so I could pull myself up. After explaining to my mom what had happened to me, her response was "YOU LOST YOUR SANDALS!?" FML

I agree, your life sucks

33426

You deserved it

3741

Favorite

Add a comment

You must be logged in to be able to post comments!

Create my account Sign in

Top comments

By Miss_gord | 0

#2077019 - Sunday 13 February 2011 10:10

"stupid dog you make me look bad":)

By forthepainx3 | 0

#2077053 - Sunday 13 February 2011 10:20

maybe it was your wife and she was blaming the dog? :o

COMMENTS

By Ishki | 0

#2077016 - Sunday 13 February 2011 10:09

Clean it up, lazy.

LordXavier | 0

#2077120 - Sunday 13 February 2011 10:46

you have a door on your kitchen? Because that's the only place the bitch should
be going!

thehun927 | 0

#2080864 - Monday 14 February 2011 4:23

Win!

By Miss_gord | 0

#2077019 - Sunday 13 February 2011 10:10

"stupid dog you make me look bad":)

Kadaj7412 | 0

#2077136 - Sunday 13 February 2011 10:52

"Now it's time for Courage the Cowardly Dog show."

MLuckyCapoeirist | 6

#2077145 - Sunday 13 February 2011 10:54

In the middle of nowhere! God that show was a bit scary wasn't it? Especially when we were kids...

Kadaj7412 | 0

#2077165 - Sunday 13 February 2011 11:02

Nah, the show was funny. Sailing across nowhere to find a sandwhale and take its accordion.

InnocentLies | 0

#2077171 - Sunday 13 February 2011 11:06

I esp like the art in that show.
:)

derpherp | 0

#2077228 - Sunday 13 February 2011 11:27

I'd like to buy a vowel. O. Is it, Boom?

rhartwick | 0

#2077423 - Sunday 13 February 2011 12:46

I hated that showit gave me nightmares as a kid

ArmedcrackerR6 | 8

#2077779 - Sunday 13 February 2011 14:29

Sounds like it's time to put down Old Yeller if you know what I mean.

Mr_Darkside | 5

#2080442 - Monday 14 February 2011 2:02

that was a great show. the episode Last Of The Star Makers was depressing... :( anyway.... dude u have a smart ass dog

sinnikle | 5

#2089737 - Wednesday 16 February 2011 16:36

It's Doc Gerbil's world, It's Doc Gerbil's world

EvilCupcake8361 | 9

#3292464 - Thursday 15 September 2011 6:12

that show creeped me out as a kid O.o

iBiteRoses | 22

#3777991 - Friday 23 December 2011 21:55

Me too... OMG I had such bad nightmares about that show... Weird muttations of the characters would chase me around with lethal-looking weapons and kitchen utensils. LOL

By eternalsugarhigh | 0

#2077022 - Sunday 13 February 2011 10:10

Wow, your dog must be quite the marksman.

subiedude08 | 17

#5662508 - Saturday 7 September 2013 4:35

Dogs trolling him

By nateb1tch | 1

#2077024 - Sunday 13 February 2011 10:10

Or you just blamed the dog..

forthepainx3 | 0

#2077087 - Sunday 13 February 2011 10:36

or the dog pulled out a gun and forced him to pull the crap out of it's ass and put it on the floor in THE EXACT SAME SPOT

fthku | 13

#2077528 - Sunday 13 February 2011 13:17

13 That was just beyond not funny.

If you don't teach your dog not to poop in the house, he'll do it. Dogs also like to return to the same spots for these sort of things.
Guess you are stupid.