Today, as I was pulling out of my apartment complex, I was rear-ended.... - FML

By Anonymous - 6/5/2017 02:20

Today, as I was pulling out of my apartment complex, I was rear-ended. When I got out of my car to see how bad the damage was, I wondered why the other guy wasn't getting out of his. As it turns out, he was busy pleasing himself. I found out when I approached his car. FML

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Nice neighborhood

The student becomes the master

Peaky Bladders

By anonymous - 25/10/2010 21:02 - United States

Today, my boyfriend suggested we imagine each other as someone else when we had sex. I imagined he was Tom Cruise. He imagined I was my best friend. FML

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By kafreen - 30/8/2016 19:35 - United States - Tucson

Today, I arrived at work early. I noticed the plants on the side of my classroom could use some water so I went out to do so. On the way, I found a beer can. Not wanting the kids to see it, I picked it up but some spilled on my dress. I quickly noticed a familiar smell. No, not beer. Urine. FML

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By noname - 4/12/2008 05:55 - France

Today, after having waited three long months, my shy girlfriend finally gave me a blowjob. Everything was going really well until I said, "Wow, you're really talented. Anyone would think you've been practicing your whole life." FML

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By GirlfriendsAreBadForYourBack - 6/8/2013 16:01 - United States - Lynbrook

Today, I was feeling down because I always think that I'm overweight. My boyfriend tried to prove me wrong by lifting me up. I threw his back out. FML

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By Anonymous - 18/7/2019 18:00

Today, I asked my wife who she would choose, me or the dog. She chose the dog. No hesitation. FML

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By L - 1/6/2011 20:40

Today, the sewers in my town became overloaded. My basement is now filled with other people's poo. FML

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By mal - 8/5/2012 20:46 - United Kingdom - Chelmsford

Today, I brought my girlfriend home while my parents were at work, and things got a little heated. We lost track of time, because the next thing we knew, my dad burst into the living room. He doubled over laughing and asked how much I paid her. FML

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By Username - 4/2/2011 08:11

Today, I scraped the ice off my boss's car windows and thought it'd be funny to scrape a swastika in the ice on his roof. I didn't realize until it thawed off that it scratched it into the paint. He didn't find much humor in it and is making me pay for the damage. FML

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By Nice - 1/5/2012 13:58 - Canada - Hamilton

Today, I was talking to my co-workers about how I've sadly been an orphan since an early age. One of them exclaimed, "Hey, just like Batman!" FML

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By Anonymous - 9/5/2009 15:50 - United States

Today, I had to mow the lawn with a weedwacker because it rained a lot the past week and the push mower was broken. I started "mowing", and forgetting that I am mowing where the dogs go to the restroom, I absent-mindedly weedwack over dog poop. Which got flung into my face. FML

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By Wellthissucks - 6/11/2017 15:26

Today, I found out that my long-distance boyfriend just got married because his "real" girlfriend is pregnant. FML

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By Anonymous - 12/4/2009 19:46 - United States

Today, the girl I have had a crush on for the last 4 months asked me on AIM how to block someone. 30 seconds after I finished explaining how to block someone on iChat, she went offline and I haven't seen her on AIM since. FML

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By godhatesme - 10/12/2011 08:45 - United States

Today, while pulling into my driveway, I slightly bumped into something. My wife. I'll be sleeping on the couch for a while. FML

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By sunil - 13/6/2014 22:53 - Canada - Calgary

Today, my 8-year-old son microwaved his pet hamster. FML

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By Cathy - 17/1/2012 00:33 - United States

Today, I found out why I find damp spots on my favorite jacket. I appears that my dog often becomes very intimate with it. FML

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By Uncomfortable - 17/5/2013 07:21

Today, I tried on a new perfume. When my boyfriend hugged me, he commented that I smelled like his mom. I don't know who was more surprised by the simultaneous bulge in his pants. FML

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By no low five - 30/11/2011 11:17 - United States

Today, my fiancé insists that instead of kissing at the crucial moment of our wedding ceremony, we should give each other a high five. FML

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By lynn_27 - 2/5/2020 08:00

Hammertime

Today, my boyfriend stopped in the middle of sex to tell me he couldn't take it anymore because my legs were too hairy. I shaved yesterday. FML

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By sick of this shit - 12/3/2016 13:33 - United States - West Grove

Today, my dad opened my fridge, let rip a horrible fart into it, then closed it and said "There ya go, a little somethin' for supper." FML

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By Username - 16/9/2010 23:27 - France

Today, I decided to dye my hair to freshen up my appearance. I asked my husband for his opinion, expecting him to recommend a color. He then asked me why going on a diet wasn't my first option. FML

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By Lisa - 19/8/2018 23:30

Forever Alone

Today, at my younger sister's wedding, my hospitalised grandmother called to ask if I have a boyfriend yet, both my parents wondered if I'll ever get married, and when the 13-year-old next to me caught the bouquet, his father yelled from the back to give it to me instead. FML

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By Dante178 - 8/12/2011 20:41 - United States

Today, I went to court to file a small claim and found myself at the end of a huge line. The moment I got to the front of the line, the fire alarm went off and we all had to leave the building. The moment I got outside, the alarm stopped and everybody rushed back in. I'm at the back of the line. FML

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By BALEIGHLOVE17 - 20/5/2011 05:46

Today, my boyfriend of 2 years broke up with me. Ten minutes after, he called me asking how to change his relationship status on facebook. FML

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By Anon - 1/4/2015 06:06 - United States - San Francisco

Today, my brother mentioned my dad's birthday party. I said, "What party?" He said, "Shit, forgot I wasn't supposed to tell you." My own father doesn't want me at his party. FML

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By Damnit - 25/12/2018 13:00 - United Kingdom

Today I noticed a large crack in my windscreen. 2 weeks after getting it replaced. The warranty doesn't cover cracks. Several attempts were needed to replace it last time for reasons like losing the new windscreen and telling me they can't make it that day and turning up any way after going out. FML

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By Anonymous - 26/3/2012 10:53 - United States - Los Angeles

Today, a man on the subway serenaded me. That's not the issue. He was cross-eyed, making it hard for me not to laugh in his face. FML

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By why - 28/7/2014 01:55 - United States

Today, I listened to my best friend describe having sex with her boyfriend in explicit detail. This would have been fine, but her boyfriend is my little brother. FML

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By Anonymous - 3/11/2012 18:02 - Australia - Wembley

Today, my boyfriend and I got intimate with each other for the first time. He shoved his hand down my pants, touched about an inch away from my clitoris, and whispered "cummm" in my ear. I doubt I'll have an orgasm ever again. FML

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By ouch - 7/4/2015 01:51 - United States - Union City

Today, I stopped to replace a stuffed bear that had fallen from a small memorial for a girl killed nearby. Her mom happened to walk by and thought I was stealing it. She hit me with her purse. FML

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By smellymcgee - 25/6/2016 17:21 - United States - Farmington

Today, I came home to the vilest stench I've ever smelled. I had to open a floor vent and scoop up the turd that was inside. Funnily enough, today was the day my scumbag roommate moved out, but I'm sure he had absolutely nothing to do with it. FML

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By Anonymous - 12/1/2011 05:09 - United States

Today, at the job I've had for eight years, I finally got the raise I was supposed to get a year ago. One hour later I found out the store was closing and we were all out of a job in two weeks. FML

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By Anonymous - 22/6/2016 02:45 - United States - Chillicothe

Today, my neighbor's 4-year-old daughter came up to me and asked if she could have my dog. When I said no, she started crying so much that her mom came out 5 minutes later and demanded that I give her daughter the dog. FML

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By ForeverAGirlfriend - 13/6/2016 04:40 - United States - Aliquippa

Today, while vacationing with my boyfriend of 9 years, he started writing "Wi" in the sand. I instantly hoped he was going to propose by writing, "Will you marry me" on the beach. He spelled out "wiener" instead. FML

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By FailedSalesman - 17/12/2016 17:39 - United States - Lewisville

Today, I was working at our garage sale with my dad. I sat outside for 2 hours, talked to three people, and sold nothing. My dad came outside and got angry at me, so I told him to give it a shot. He sold 3 things to the first guy who walked in. FML

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By Conspiratea - 1/7/2018 19:00

Today, I'm in the hospital for a broken hip and cerebral hemorrhage, bedridden with a continuous headache. My roommate has dementia and shouts and cries all day about a hospital conspiracy where everybody is drinking tea all the time except her. This will be a long month. FML

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By Anonymous - 3/5/2013 16:38 - United States - Hyattsville

Today, I gave a big presentation to my class. It included PowerPoint slides and video clips of the country I'd been researching. Another student did a presentation on the same country, except he just read from its Wikipedia page. He practically got a standing ovation. I got a single clap. FML

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By Speedy - 20/7/2010 13:33 - United Kingdom

Today, I took my driving test for the first time. The instructor stopped it after less than ten minutes, and insisted she drive back to the test centre "in the interest of public safety." FML

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By Jason - 14/2/2018 15:00

Today, I bought my crush a bouquet of roses plus one fake. The line was going to be, "I'll stop loving you when the last rose dies." I told my best friend and he thought it was such an amazing idea that he stole the fake rose and gave it to her himself. Guess who got the girl. FML

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By iet_Wyrda - 4/10/2013 23:00 - France - Verneuil-sur-seine

Today, my dog tore up a single book from the dozens within his reach. That book was titled "How to Train Your Dog". FML

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By headache - 23/2/2015 01:41 - United States

Today, I hit my head on the steering wheel when I sneezed. I managed to honk the horn and the guy next to me couldn't stop laughing. FML

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Top comments

By seasonedtoast | 19

#7449884 - Saturday 6 May 2017 4:41

Got to watch out for those car jackers!

By Regulate | 21

#7449846 - Saturday 6 May 2017 2:30

I do not understand this world and the people that inhabit it....and I'm one of them ffs.

COMMENTS

By RichardPencil | 28

#7449844 - Saturday 6 May 2017 2:26

And they say texting while driving is dangerous!!!

By Regulate | 21

#7449846 - Saturday 6 May 2017 2:30

I do not understand this world and the people that inhabit it....and I'm one of them ffs.

By Lillysar91 | 19

#7449851 - Saturday 6 May 2017 2:42

What the...f?how? What? Why? Huh? I heard of texting and driving but he took it to a whole new level! The world is a loony bin!

By seasonedtoast | 19

#7449884 - Saturday 6 May 2017 4:41

Got to watch out for those car jackers!

Reply

RichardPencil | 28

#7449923 - Saturday 6 May 2017 6:53

Good one!!!

By cakefete2 | 30

#7449891 - Saturday 6 May 2017 5:01

I hope you didn't let him get off without getting his insurance and identification information.

Reply

Elizabeth Burley | 21

#7449893 - Saturday 6 May 2017 5:02

that was clever haha

By RichardPencil | 28

#7449896 - Saturday 6 May 2017 5:16

Maybe you should be happy he just rear-ended you with his car, if you know what I mean.;)

By Glowworm56 | 25

#7450076 - Saturday 6 May 2017 14:31

Sounds like you got rear-ended in more ways than one.

By kasuke06 | 5

#7450113 - Saturday 6 May 2017 16:17

well... that's a new fetish.

By Cyberpope | 3

#7450372 - Sunday 7 May 2017 1:38

4 people is a foursome, 3 people is a threesome; apparently this gross pig was handsome! Poor you.

By Ray_of_midnight | 22

#7450383 - Sunday 7 May 2017 2:02

I hope you're filing a complaint for "public indecency" or "open and gross lewdness" or whatever criminal charge covers pleasuring yourself in public in your state.